#ask aurora

Y/N stares at her phone with a beaming smile, leaning her back against the wall of the restaurant she just arrived at. People are walking past her, talking and laughing with each other while they wait for their table to be set up or to pay for the meal they just had. Even though the restaurant is packed, she can’t wait to slip between there and sit down at a table with him.

She has been waiting for this date for so long and now that she’s there, a bit earlier than she was supposed to because of her nerves, Y/N doesn’t know what to do or what to say. She hasn’t been on many dates before, especially not dates with a man she really likes and that has caught her attention in the blink of an eye at her work, but still. She had to give him a chance because he looked so fucking perfect for her – sure, they were friends before he asked her out but still. Y/N desperately wanted to give him a chance because she had this feeling that their friendship wasn’t enough for her – and it appeared it wasn’t enough for him as well, that’s why he asked her out.

The last time she went on a date, in her last year of College, Y/N ended up calling a cab from the restaurant and sneaking out from the back so the guy wouldn’t notice she was gone. It was horrible and she felt even worse but that guy was just a fucking mess – a misogynistic, slut-shamer, disgusting prick she never wanted to hang out again with. All he talked about was how his ex girlfriend treated him – “she had the audacity to hang out with her friends when I told her she couldn’t”, “she wore that dress because she wanted guys to hit on her at the club” – and Y/N had enough.

It was rough, but luckily she got out of the restaurant without any problem – and she blocked this guy from every social media they had in common, not wanting to even apologize to him. At the end of the day, she paid for their meal and rushed home. She didn’t need that kind of personality around.

But the man she’s going to hang out tonight is completely different. He’s the perfect man, he’s everything she has wished to find in a man. And even though it felt a little too good to be true, she pushed those thoughts out of her mind. She knows Spencer, she has gone out with him many times to have lunch or simply to take a walk around somewhere.

Spencer Reid is a genius, as everybody always says, but he’s also absolutely brilliant and even though sometimes he can be awkward around people, he’s the sweetest human being that Y/N has ever met in her life. He has this pair of big doe eyes that always seem to study her soul, undress it and push all of her walls off with just one stare. And his smile... It could be one of the Seven Wonders of the Modern World with those two cute dimples popping on his cheeks each time she makes him laugh. Y/N feels so blessed in his presence, because apparently fate had brought them together. They had so many horrible memories they both wanted to push in the back of their heads – they agreed they couldn’t forget their past because at the end of the day it shaped them both as people, as they are today – they had something in common: the need of moving on, of meeting other people, of pushing their boundaries, of going beyond their limits to see what’s there to do.

Maybe that’s why Y/N developed this intense crush for him at the exact moment their eyes met after a night out with the team: he had the same determination in his eyes, the same fire burning deep behind them as he spoke about how much his life has changed and how excited he is to finally start this new chapter of his life. Spencer told her all about how he found a therapist to go to, how he developed this morning routine that didn’t consist in having too much coffee in ten minutes with a lot of sugar but involved a morning run – “a little job behind my house” – and a very cold shower to actually wake up from a deep sleep. It wasn’t much, in Spencer’s opinion, but Y/N could see how good he felt when he started doing it and it became a habit.

Y/N loved seeing how happy he was.

And she loved it even more when Spencer told her that she was one of the reasons that pushed him out of his comfort zone, showing him that getting help is not for the weak and it could’ve actually turned him into a better person. And it had, because he told her how good he felt after only one session with his therapist and a whole week of doing something different than reading, reading and reading all alone in his apartment. That same conversation lead to Spencer getting completely out of his comfort zone and asking her out for a lunch – that then turned into a dinner because “night dates are more romantic and I know how romantic you are, Y/N, so I’m going to see you at night” – which made her heart flutter in her chest.

Y/N has never developed such a big crush for someone in so little time. When she started working at the BAU, she knew she was going to meet Doctor Spencer Reid; she knew him probably better than anyone at her old job. She has read every article he has published, every research he has done on human behaviour. She has seen all of his pictures, all of the articles related to him and his arrest back in 2017, the big arrest of Everett Lynch with the whole team... She knew all about him but she wasn’t expecting him to be so perfect. But he was the most amazing guy she has ever met.

And even though they’ve been working together for less than two hours – eleven months, fifteen weeks and two days to be exact – Y/N knows she’s already too invested in him. She hesitated to agree to go out with him on that date because of that reason: she was terrified that if it didn’t go well, it would’ve messed up their professional relationship but that didn’t stop him from convincing her to go out with him because he really wanted it. He didn’t pressure her, of course; he was very respectful and allowed her to take a few days to think about his offer, which then led to Y/N saying yes and Penelope Garcia forcing her to hang out for a shopping spree. Y/N said yes to Spencer because she wanted to find out more about him than his work; she wanted to know more about his personality outside of the BAU, she wanted to know what kind of cocktails he likes to drink before eating a meal; she wanted to know what kind of ties he uses when he has to go out with someone; she wanted to know what kind of men he is when there are no profilers around – well, she is one but.

Y/N glances at her phone: it’s 9:05 pm. She furrowed her eyebrows because he’s late; even though it’s only five minutes, Y/N feels like there’s something wrong. Maybe he’s stuck in traffic, maybe his car broke down along the way or maybe he had to do something that forced him to leave his place a little bit late. She tries her best to hold back the horrible thoughts running in her head as she starts to pace in front of the entrance, making sure she glances at the parking lot to see if his car is parked somewhere and he’s inside.

It wouldn’t be the first time someone waits inside of a car to calm down before stepping out and move on with their night, she has done it so many times. Her anxiety has never left her body for one single day in her life so when she felt overwhelmed by everything, but she had to go out with someone anyway, she would usually park her car in front of the building she has to meet them in and would take deep breaths or done something that helped her out somehow.

Maybe he’s doing the same, maybe he’s nervous.

Spencer has told her many times that he hasn’t been on many dates and the few ones he had were kind of weird and didn’t end up well, so Y/N wouldn’t be surprised if he took some minutes to gather his thoughts and calm down. She’s not going to hold it against him, she completely understands.

So, all she needs to do is wait and see how it goes. She’s sure he’ll be there soon, he was looking forward to their night together. There is no reason for her to think he’s standing up, right? He likes her, he said it himself and she believes him – why would he lie to her? There’s no point in that, especially if he knew she shared the same thoughts as him.

But now it’s 9:15 pm.

Spencer Reid is fifteen minutes late and he hasn’t called her or texted her yet. Y/N wants to dial his number but she doesn’t want to bother him, because what if he’s driving? What if he answers and something happens to him? Y/N shakes those thoughts out of her head, quickly dialling Penelope’s number as she paces back and forth again on the sidewalk. Maybe Penelope knows where he is, maybe he called her before he called Y/N. It could be, right?

It’s only fifteen minutes, though.

Y/N stops herself from calling Penelope, there’s no point in asking her. How in the world she might know where Spencer is? It’s not like Penelope is keeping tabs on where each member of the BAU is at her home, so why would she know where he is right now? And something tells Y/N that if she calls Penelope and tells her Spencer is not with her yet, she would get really mad at him for making Y/N wait.

So, the young woman waits.

It’s autumn in Quantico, so the weather is not exactly the best right now. Y/N is wearing a dress that barely covers her knee so her legs are completely out – and the cold air of the night is starting to make her really uncomfortable, but what if she walks inside the restaurant and he doesn’t see her out? What if he thinks she has stood him up and he goes home, upset?

Y/N decides to walk, to move so she doesn’t feel as cold.

The window blows, ruffling her hair. She chose the wrong day to wear a dress, she shouldn’t have followed Penelope’s advice and wore her usual trousers with a nice blouse and a pair of heels. Instead, she’s freezing out to death because that stupid new dress is purple, Spencer’s favourite “right now” colour.

Did she really buy that dress because Spencer said it’d fit her? Yes, she did. She just wanted to be pretty for him, she wants to hear him call her “pretty”. Y/N has never asked for any male validation but right now she needs it, because she wants to be perfect for Spencer the way he is perfect for him. Or maybe it’s all because she never felt perfect for anyone, never felt enough for anyone which led to her being single pretty much ever since High School.

Ah, her second ex boyfriend really did a number on her. She has a list of things he has done to her and caused so much damage to her personality, in her way of thinking about herself, in her sex life. From standing her up for their dates to forcing her to change clothes, from throwing the food she cooked him on her head to kick her out of his house when his friends would come over to get high, from yelling at her she’s a slut for wearing a set of lingerie for him to pulling her hair when she wouldn’t want to look at him in the eyes, from begging and pressuring her to have sex with him to not talking to her for days when she would do something he didn’t approve of.

He was manipulative, sexist, disgusting, harsh, aggressive, violent and a fucking narcissist. At the end of her last year of High School Y/N took control of her own life and decided to humiliate him in front of the wholes school – not giving a single fuck if she overshared and exaggerated. She yelled at him that he’s a piece of shit, he doesn’t deserve her in any way, he needs to be alone because he fucks people up both mentally and physically, she’s too good for him and he’s not even good at sex because he comes too fast and has never made her come. Even though she might have sounded a bit harsh, he deserved everything.

He has made her feel like shit, as if she didn’t deserve love from anyone because of the way she is, as if she’s not worth it of anything and anyone because she’s stubborn – when in reality she wasn’t stubborn at all, she just didn’t want to be treated like nothing. All of his words, all of his actions towards her changed her perspective on life for a couple of years; she thought she didn’t deserve any type of love, she thought she could only be used for one thing – sex – and nothing else because no one would ever like her for her mind, her thoughts, her personality which fucked up her possibilities of meeting someone in the first years of College. It was hard to come to the realisation she couldn’t go on like this, but she made it and she found a way to move on from her past. Y/N had to go to therapy for so long to get rid of all the scars he has left on her mind and her body, but she managed to get better and finally understand he didn’t mean anything to her. He was just a big bump in her road, a bump that should have ruined her the way it did. In the end, those scars made her the woman she is today – and she couldn’t be prouder of herself. She has her dream job, her dream apartment, her dream man, and her dream team – with the best people she could’ve ever met.

It’s 9:35 pm.

Y/N feels a tug on her heart as she glances at her phone, not finding any text or call from him. Why hasn’t he told her he would be late? Why is he so late when he told her he couldn’t wait to see her and spend the night with her? Why did he lie?

She knows she’s not perfect – she has never claimed to be, she has so many different flaws – but she has never felt this way for anyone before in her life, not even her first boyfriend. She was really excited to go out with Spencer, she couldn’t do anything for the whole day because she kept thinking about what kind of thing she’d have to wear for him and what kind of makeup would’ve fit her face better for their first date, what kind of heels she’d have to wear to match his height. She second-guessed everything she has picked out for the night, needing everything to be perfect just for Spencer Reid.

But where is he?

Y/N types his number on the screen, bringing the phone to her ear. No answer.

“Hey Spencie, it’s me. I’m waiting for you outside. Are you okay? Give me a call, please.”

Maybe he forgot his phone at home and he’s driving, or maybe he has simply gone to another restaurant instead of that one. What if he thinks she has stood him up? Y/N quickly checks his text, wanting to be sure she’s in the exact place he has chosen for their night and yes, she’s exactly where she is supposed to be. But why isn’t he there? Did something happen at work? Do they have a new case she doesn’t know about because Emily forgot to call her or something? Did Spencer get hurt and couldn’t call her because he’s at the Hospital? Y/N tries to think of the worst scenarios instead of the one possibility: he has stood her up, maybe because he realises he doesn’t like her the way she does. But why hasn’t he called her back? He could’ve simply told her that he’s not really interested in dating anyone right now.

Her thoughts turn dark instantly.

Of course he has stood her up, why in the world would he like her? How can a man like him possibly be interested in someone as insignificant and stupid as her? How can Spencer Reid feel something for a newbie, an idiot like her? She’s no one, she’s just a newbie, she doesn’t mean anything.

A single tear escapes her eyes as she sniffles, quickly dialling her favourite pizzeria. One of the first pieces of advice Penelope gave her when Y/N started working at the BAU was: “if a man stands you up and you were supposed to have dinner with them, order yourself something you love so when you go home, there’s something delicious waiting for you!” – and it’s not bad advice, which is why Y/N orders herself a delicious pizza margherita and a piece of chocolate cake.

Spencer Reid stood her up.

She was waiting for him in the cold and he didn’t show up.

“Miss?”

Y/N turns around, brushing the back of her hand on her cheek; she can’t let anybody see she was crying while calling the pizza guy over a  person that fucking stood her up for their first date. She notices one of the waitresses staring at her from the entrance of the restaurant, waving her hand at her.

“Yes?”

“I saw you waiting here for the past forty five minutes, I wanted to know if you needed anything. – says the waitress, nothing but sweetness in her voice – It’s kind of cold here, do you want to come inside?”

Y/N shakes her head, feeling warmer because of the gentle gesture. “No, thank you. I’m okay, I’m just going to go now. Thank you for asking, I really appreciate it.”

The young waitress gives her a little nod before going back inside. Y/N feels bad for rejecting her offer. Her pizza is going to be there in at least an hour – Saturday night is always busy for that pizzeria, she’s not really surprised it’s going to take so long for her dinner – so she has some time to kill before going home and enjoying her dinner all alone without Spencer.

Dammit, Spencer Reid, what the fuck?

Y/N decides to step inside of the restaurant, heading to the bar where the same waitress is putting down her trails over the counter. When she turns around and notices that Y/N is right there, looking around and probably waiting, she approaches her.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t... I swear, I wasn’t outside waiting to kill someone. – says Y/N, her words slipping out of her mouth quickly – I got stood up, I was waiting for him outside.”

The waitress gives her a reassuring smile. “I understand, I’m very sorry he stood you up. Do you want something to drink?”

The other girl nods, sitting on one of the high chairs at the bar. “Something not alcoholic, I have to drive back home and I can’t if I’m drunk.”

Y/N pulls out her phone again, checking if she has any message or call from Spencer but her phone is completely empty besides the last text he sent her: “Can’t wait to see you, Y/N.”

He was so excited to see her to the point where he stood her up because he couldn’t contain his fucking excitement for their date, right? He stood her up because other scars can make her stronger, right? He didn’t show up to their date because he has this concept of “hurting and mending” in his mind?

No, Spencer is not like her ex boyfriend.

But what if he is?

Her ex showered her with love via texts and then he would stand her up for their dates, showering her with love again the day after – acting as if nothing happened, as if he didn’t break her heart just the night before. What if Spencer is doing this again? What if she just found herself in the same exact position as she was back in High School?

No, Spencer is not like that guy.

Y/N lets out a sigh, staring at her phone before calling Penelope. She was supposed to call her best friend at the end of their date but this is already the end – well, the date hasn’t even started so it’s not like Spencer is going to get mad at her for using her phone. Right?

“Why in the world are you using your phone on a date?!”

Y/N takes a sip of her fruity drink. “What date?”

Penelope gasps on the other side of the phone. “Please, tell me you didn’t forget you had to go out with your Lover Boy tonight! Oh my God, Y/N! He has been waiting for this for so long!”

Y/N wants to laugh and cry at the same time because Penelope sounds more excited about that date than Spencer – well, he didn’t show up at all so of course he wasn’t as excited and thrilled as he said about their date tonight.

“I would call this a date if Spencer is here in front of me but he isn’t. – says Y/N, her eyes fixed on the wooden counter of the bar – I’m sorry I called you, I just feel so fucking pathetic now. I even wore the dress he liked, I wanted to be pretty for him.”

Her voice breaks after her last words, she was so excited to be with him. She felt like a princess when she showed up at the restaurant, waiting for her prince, but right now all she feels is “fucking stupid” for believing anyone could be slightly interested in her. For believing Spencer Reid would be interested.

“Darling, no. I’m so sorry, don’t cry. – says Penelope, her voice filled with worry – You are pretty every single day, he just didn’t see it tonight. Are you at home right now?”

Y/N takes another sip of her drink. “I’m still at the restaurant but I’m going to head home in a couple of minutes, I don’t even know what to do right now. I called him but he hasn’t answered.”

“Oh believe me, he’s going to answer me or I’ll show up to his place and beat his cute little boney ass I promised to never hurt. – exclaims Penelope, forcing a smile on Y/N’s lips – I’m very sorry he did this to you, Y/N. You don’t deserve this.”

Ah, if only it was that easy to understand.

“It’s not your fault you got stood up, Y/N, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. I promise you, there isn’t. You are an amazing woman and an amazing friend, anybody would be lucky to be with someone like you. – mutters her friend, as Y/N shakes her head and drinks her juice – You are fabulous, okay? Please, always remember that.”

Lying has never felt so easy for her.

“Thank you, Pen.”

“Don’t feel insulted or unworthy of love because his behaviour is a reflection on him, not you. – says again her friend, making sure Y/N understands what she’s saying – Don’t let this ruin your whole week, my love. Forgive and move on, there are better guys out there anyway.”

But what if Spencer is the guy she wants? It’s not going to be easy to let this go, forget it has happened and move on – but she has to do it, her job can’t risk anything. She’s never going to make this difficult for herself at work because she doesn’t want to lose her dream job, but she’s definitely going to hold back from talking to him outside of the BAU.

After hanging up the call with Penelope, Y/N pays for her drink and leaves the restaurant to go back home and enjoy her pizza. The music in her car is helping her relax, forcing her to not do anything stupid like showing up at his place unannounced and making a scene. As much as she loves dramatic gestures, she can’t really drive to his apartment and yell at him from the parking lot – mainly because something in her gut is telling her she’d end up seeing something she doesn’t want to see. And now that she thinks about it, Spencer has been talking a lot about a girl he met at the park while jogging in the morning – Y/N doesn’t know her name and she doesn’t even want to know it for all she cares. Could he be with her even though he was supposed to go out with Y/N? Spencer told her it was a date – “a romantic date, a date with a man and a woman interested in each other who want to be partners and lovers” he said – so Y/N didn’t confuse that date with a “friendly date night” or something.

Y/N simply wonders what kind of excuse he’s going to give her once she confronts him.

She will confront him! How can she not? After all she has been through, after waiting for forty-five minutes in the cold for him, it’s the bare minimum. She’s not going to budge until he gives her a decent answer – and after that, she’ll never speak to him ever again if it’s not anything work-related.

But what if he had a panic attack? What if he didn’t feel good?

No, her gut is telling her something else. And if there’s something she has learned the hard way, is to always trust her gut because unfortunately it’s always right. When she first started to go out with her ex boyfriend, she could feel there was something wrong with him but she brushed those thoughts out of her mind and she ended up being hurt. A lot. And now her gut is telling her to leave Spencer Reid before it’s too late.

So, as hard as it may be, she has to do it.

Once she’s back in her apartment and her pizza is waiting for her on the glass table now filled with beer bottles in front of her TV, Y/N strips off from all of her clothes and sits down on the floor. Her phone is long forgotten in her little purse, her mind focused on her pizza, the chocolate cake inside the little cartoon box, and those four delicious beers excitedly waiting for her. Even though she’s feeling small, like the most insignificant thing in the whole world, she tries not to show it even though the tears are streaming down her face as she pretends everything is okay.

Nothing is okay, though; nothing is okay right now because she should’ve been with him right now, maybe choosing which dessert to get and to share with him. Instead she’s all alone in her apartment, completely naked in front of the TV while eating a pizza that could’ve been shared with Spencer Reid if only he didn’t stand her up. But he did.

Y/N pushes those thoughts out of her head, wanting to feel good for a couple of hours.

All she cares about right now is forgetting what happened for a while and enjoying something good to eat.

And if she spends the whole night crying herself to sleep, well... No one needs to know.

 Tag list: @s1utformgg, @getyoutmoon @bookishspencer, @allexthakatt, @calm-and-doctor, @reidswhoree @nazifa94 @srhxpci​ @eevee0722​

Let me know if you want to be added to my permanent tag list. :)

Also, another big thank you to my lovely @pinkcoatz for always editing my stuff. I love you so much!