#asexuality rant

Okay, can we talk for just a sec?

I love seeing Pride stuff. Its like having merch for the fandom you’re in, which it kind of is if you think about it. Target has a FANTASTIC selection both in their “dollar spot” thing and more in the clothing departments. I snagged some snazzy shoe laces (FOR A DOLLAR) and shades. Will totally be sporting them all year long, not just in June.

But you know what?

They didn’t have ANYTHING in the asexual colors.

I’m not saying they needed to have everything have an asexual variant (tho there was at least one of everything for both bi and trans), but a couple things would have been nice. Its not like we don’t have a flag. We do. Its even aesthetically pleasing. (insert pun about being ACEthetically pleasing here)

Here it is, in case you’re unaware.

I have zero problems with all the rainbow pride stuff. I feel included. There’s my purple right there.

My problem is when they expand it, but not all the way.

Pride is having/celebrating the freedom to have sex in the way that you prefer, right?

This is my preference. Its not a choice made out of a religious belief or because of trauma inflicted upon me, this is who I am. This is who I’ve always been.

So, hey... if you’re gonna fly all the flags, you gotta fly more than three.

REALLY THOUGH...I have an aroace character who's sex repulsed. He will NEVER try it. And I'm so scared to actually draw him and share him with anyone because if they fucking ship him I'm going to lose my goddamn MIND.

If you wouldn't take a canonically gay character and put them in a straight ship because you find it disrespectful then WHY is it okay to do that with aro/ace characters? "They can still enjoy sex--" not all do. And you're not portraying them in a way that feels the same as how asexuals who enjoy sex tend to be. You're making them allo.

My grandmother is that woman who is always constantly belittling everything I do and say and telling me all the reasons why what I’m doing with my life is wrong. 

I just got off the phone with her and she asked me what I was doing in school. I told her I was still studying Japanese and Linguistics, and had to explain to her what linguistics was. She thought the study was completely pointless and I wouldn’t get a job in that field, of which I tried to correct her but she didn’t care. She then asked me what I was doing after graduation. I told her I was doing my Master of Research then going on to do my PhD, she proceeded to then gasp in utter shock and inform me that I would never find a job because I would be 25 by the time I finished my schooling. 

25 isn’t fucking old nan, 25 is pretty fucking young to be having a PhD, I still have literally the rest of my fucking life to get a job and work. I can work at the same time as studying, and I can also work for a bit then return to my studies so just shut up and take a fucking seat.

Then she proceeded to insist that after I turned 25 I’d fall in love and get pregnant and that after that my life was pretty much fucked and over totally. I said no nan that will never happen, I’m asexual I don’t want anyone to touch me so I won’t get pregnant through sex.

She then laughed. 

A lot. Loudly.

Told me “That might change one day”

Ahahaha no. Fucking no. Just no. 

I’ve always been this way, and I will always be this way. That won’t ever fucking change no matter what guy I might meet. 

I told her asexuality doesn’t just disappear it’s there forever. She kept laughing and told me how silly I was being and that it would all change “when I met the right boy”. I decided not to add girl on that list because god knows her reaction to that. She said, and I quote, “oh the silly stuff you teenagers make up these days”.

Look, I don’t mind the other stuff. I can handle be ridiculed by her and belittled in my every life decision, I can even handle her telling me wanting to get my PhD is a waste of time, even though that is something extremely important to me and I’d like her to at least pretend to be proud of me.

Feeling relieved to be ace? Yeah, to an extent. I now know why I had a panic attack the last two times I’ve been with a partner. But honestly? It can be pretty crap. There are still times when I think ‘what if I was abused, I mean this one vague memory-’ and it leads to thinking ‘what if I’m not ace, what if it’s a reaction to trauma?’ Which is a worry I’ve heard from other ace peeps too. The point here is no, I was never abused but the lack of attention asexuality receives means it seems more likely, or natural than ‘just like being bi/pan, trans or gay; babe, you were born this way.’ So that’s not easy or pleasant. 

Secondly is the relationship aspect. More an asexual than aromantic thing, I guess but still! I do like being in a relationship. I enjoy replicating date type activities with my friends because I can enjoy myself, feel closer to them and when it comes time to part I don’t have to hurriedly exclaim, ‘I don’t want the D, or the V! Or a kiss. Or a hug.’ The reaction that gets from dates (obviously it’s slightly more eloquent IRL) have a nice range to them;

- (laughs) I can make you want it

- (laughs) next time then, no need to be so shy!

- Wait, so you don’t like me? 

- Yeah...this is gonna be a problem.

The first one? Creepy AF. Instant cutoff and deleted from phone. Two and Three receive an explanation and four is a parting of ways. I get it. No sex can be a dealbreaker and that’s fine. But not all people are polite about it. Or don’t believe it’s real, or ask if I was abused, or just laugh it off. Now I don’t like dating people because I don’t come with a disclaimer upon first date. A bit TMI really and what’s really the point in trying if there’s a strong likelihood that you’ll get hurt, emotionally or even physically. (Incidentally this is the reason Izaya is my fave DRRR man. It’s not completely the same but I understand the motivation). 

I’ve been told I’m confused.  I’m wrong.  That I’m just trying to get attention and that I’m just straight/gay/bisexual.  There’s a person who’s constantly sent me porn in order to try to get me to “admit” that I’m not asexual.  Someone I had a crush on told people about it and that anything that isn’t “gay straight or bi is just faking it.”

Are we beaten to death for being asexual?  Not that I’ve heard of, but then again, I haven’t heard anything in the media.  We don’t get reports of asexuality regardless of attraction to whichever gender. 

Speaking of which, is a lack of media representation not a form of oppression?  Please don’t tell me it’s only oppression if it’s violent. Please tell me no one actually believes that.

Now, as for rape when it comes to asexuals.  It’s terrible rape happens to anyone anywhere for any reason.  But when it comes to asexuality in particular, having sex at all with anyone for any reason somehow makes us not asexual to the people who believe we exist and to other asexuals for some, strange, reason.  Rape is bad, and people who’ve been raped are constantly under fire for “lying” and “asking for it.”  When asexuals come under this kind of fire, they not only get attacks on their personal being, but also their sexuality.

Same sex attraction is not the only foundation for oppression, and people can be oppressed for asexuality as well.  I’ve already listed my experiences with it, but I’d imagine many more asexuals would be willing to tell you how their families deny their sexuality and just constantly tell them they’ll “find the right person” or “they’re not ready yet and that’s fine” or “you have to have sex with your spouse.”   Oh.  And Hetero-romantic aces are often targeted too, women being seen as stuck up bitch prudes who provide a “challenge” and men who are “broken” and are just saying that to “get into someone’s pants” because “that’s all that men want.”

The idea that asexuals don’t experience the feelings that many other members of the LGBT community have is farfetched.  I don’t know how many times I’ve felt broken, and just wished I was interested in sex just so I knew I’d be able to find someone for myself one day.  Someone I wouldn’t be holding back from being happy because I wasn’t sexually interested in anyone.  Lesbians, Gays and Bisexuals have to deal with being attracted to the same gender who may not be interested in their own gender, while asexuals will have to find someone who, in addition to not being interested in same sex potentially, is willing to have little to no sex life. (This is not taking into account the different kinds of asexuality mind you, Demisexuality and Gray aces are different when it comes to sex.)

That’s my last point.  Sex.  It’s everywhere.  “Sex sells” people say.  Sex for whatever reason is considered the only way to show your partner how much you really care.  Asexuals are constantly reminded they’re broken regardless of where they look and turn their heads.  Life?  It’s almost cliche how “important” having children is to parents and other adults who have them.  TV?  The amount of sex is ridiculous.  Don’t even get me started on how much of a “laugh” Sheldon Cooper’s relationship is supposed to be 85% of the time.  We’re surrounded by a society that shuns us for not wanting to engage in sexual activity.  One that constantly tries to remind us that we need to be fixed and is allowed to get away with it because we’re not being murdered for being asexual.