#as usual...

I see my friends and moots and cool people with their projects and I see them with their voice acting calls and I want to audition SO BAD but my voice is too feminine for a boy role and I don't want to be cast as a girl (I could maybe do a less feminine girl or maybe nonbinary; my voice isn't *that* feminine, but it definitely doesn't sound like a guy).

Maybe if they waited a few years, but I mean YEARS. (Time for the trans stuff now because I try not to talk about it TOO much but it is a major part of my life and who I am :/)

I want to go on testosterone and I'm so excited and I'm praying that my voice drops but usually that takes a year or so from what I've seen, and I won't even be able to *start* for at least another two years. It feels like my whole life is waiting and I'm so fucking sick of it. Waiting. Always waiting. There's no end. And it's not a guarantee, either. Starting T, legally changing my name, top surgery- it's all complicated and expensive and I'm not prepared. I don't have money. I'm not ready. I still have college to worry about and that's expensive, too. It feels like the whole world is fucking me over. I'm not giving up hope because screw that, but all I can do right now is try to save up some money, maybe start therapy/talking to a professional (a lot of medical stuff require a professional's diagnosis of gender dysphoria or whatever). I'm not ready for anything and it's all coming so fast, but at the same time I just want it to be HERE already.

It sucks, feeling like my life hasn't started. Feeling like it won't for another two years. There's too much waiting, too much time between me and what I want. I'm sick of waiting. And I don't want to make people wait on me. Everything's so difficult because I'm in this purgatory of "it will get better" but all I can do is WAIT.