#arospectips

Hello, dear anon! Thank you for the ask!

There’s a good chance you could be aro. The reason I say this is because you say you haven’t had a crush on anyone in years. Sure, yeah, okay, some alloromantics can go long periods of time without getting a crush, but if you haven’t had one for years, that sounds a lot more like aro to me.

I know that as an arospec myself, I like the idea of dating, but I’m not sure I’d actually like it. This is common among arospecs (I’m pretty sure), that wanting a relationship but not actually enjoying it once you’re in it.

I think one thing that might help you out a little bit more is to research aromanticism a little bit and talk to people who identify as aro to see if you share any experiences with them. I know a couple good sites to research that have proven to be helpful to me, I’ll link them at the bottom.

I would really consider looking into the aromantic community and check out all sorts of terms there, because if you find that just aromantic doesn’t fit you well, there could be another label on the spectrum that does fit you well.

Good luck, and thank you so much for the ask!

-Will (she/they)

~~~

LINKS TO RESEARCH AROMANTICISM

https://lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Aromantic (just a super helpful site in general, this wikia has definitions for loads of labels, it’s been a big help)

https://www.them.us/story/facts-you-should-know-about-aromantic-people (has some short little facts about being aromantic, just sort of clearing up misconceptions, always some good things to hear)

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Aromantic (just a solid explanation of the term and whatnot)

https://www.arocalypse.com/ (a way to hear about lots of personal experiences from other aros/arospecs. I’ve never used the site myself, but I’ve got an account and I’ve heard it’s great)

https://lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Aromantic_Spectrum (another wikia site, but this one has a bunch of links to the definitions of a lot of arospec terms, can be very helpful)

https://www.aromanticism.org/en/all-terms (similar to the previous, but no links. It’s got a very long list of alphabetically sorted arospec labels, can prove to be helpful if you’re looking for a microlabel)

I had an identity crisis over the last few weeks because I'm aro and I thought I was demi towards one of my (online) closest online friends for a few days only to realize it is probably queerplatonic. And this was mostly because I have no clue what the definition of romantic attraction is. And when anyone tries to explain it to me some of the stuff yes I see as romantic, but others I see as platonic so it's a mess.

Hello, dear anon! Thank you for the ask! Sorry for taking so long to answer it, I was trying to figure out the best way to word it. And I had a bunch of classwork,  but that’s a whole other story.

A big part of the difference between romantic attraction and queer platonic attraction is different for each person. I know I keep telling everyone in the asks that it’s always different, but that is a lot of what it is.

Romantic attraction most often includes a desire or urge to do romantic activities with someone, which may or may not include dating, kissing, and whatever else is commonly considered to be romantic because I’m blanking.

Queerplatonic attraction is when you have a desire or urge to do things with someone that aren’t romantic, but that aren’t platonic, either. It’s sort of somewhere in the middle. For some people, queerplatonic attraction is when you want to do some but not all romantic things with someone, and some but not all platonic things with someone. In a queerplatonic relationship, someone may enjoy having a “cuddle buddy,” they could want to spend the rest of their lives with them, they could like going out on the occasional date, some of them might like kissing, others not, some may engage in sexual activities, some may not. Queerplatonic relationships cover a vast group of differences, some with more platonic things than others and some with more romantic things than others. Some queerplatonic couples get married, others might not want to. The great and confusing thing about queerplatonic attraction is that it includes a bunch of different experiences, but it’s also kinda vague, so sometimes it takes a lot of effort to figure out if that’s what you experience.

I know that I, personally, enjoy the idea of a queerplatonic relationship. I want the “cuddle buddy,” I like physical closeness (sensual attraction, not sexual), I still think it would be fun to have the occasional “date” and even the occasional kiss, but I also don’t really need to be chatting or texting with them all the time. The funny thing about this is that other people may not find this fulfilling in the slightest. They might see this as a way too relaxed queerplatonic relationship.It really just all depends on what you feel comfortable with and what you would want.

I hope I was able to help!

Hello anon! Thank you for the ask!

I’ve been dealing with exactly what you’re describing for about a year. I’ve struggled with misconceptions about asexuality and internalised arophobia, and it’s made it difficult to get places. In an amatonormative society, it can be very difficult to break away, but once you do, you’ll feel so much better.

One of the things I’ve seen people recommend is talking to other aspecs. Talk to people who identify similarly to how you identify (or at least how you think you might), and they’ll be able to explain how they came to grow of acceptance with themselves and how they’ve come to where they are today.

Another thing I’d say might be helpful would be to immerse yourself in the “culture” for an amount of time every day. Maybe you’ve only got five minutes, maybe you’ve got five hours, but whatever the case, researching, looking at memes, talking on forums, doing creative projects associated with your identity, or seriously anything related to the aspec community can help. I find that looking through aspec meme pages on instagram is extremely helpful, and there’s generally at least one or two memes you can relate to, even if it’s an aro page and you’re only arospec.

The last thing I can think that may or may not help could be a sort of short… isolation. Nothing big scale, but maybe for the hour or so before you fall asleep, don’t touch or interact with anything that has to do with amatonormativity (so like no romance books, movies, media, that sort of thing). Instead, look for literally anything else. Maybe you just took up a new hobby and want to get a bit more into it. Great! Go do that hobby. Maybe you’ve found an amazing new book series that has essentially 0 romance. Amazing! Go read it. Just do anything you can that doesn’t have you interacting with amatonormativity. Try not to think about it, either. If this is really too difficult, try doing shorter periods of time, but if that doesn’t work, then this might not work for you, and that’s totally okay. There’s all sorts of other resources out there that could be of more service.

If anyone else has other ideas, feel free to add on with a reblog or add them in the comments! I know there’s probably a ton I missed, and your assistance could help someone out :)

I hope this helps!

Hello, dear anon! Thank you for the ask!

Before going into whatever I’m going to say, I just have one small but very important announcement:

THIS IS A POLYAMOROUS SAFE BLOG. Any and all polyamorous people are welcome on this blog, I support you :)

While I’m not sure I would consider myself polyamorous, I do completely understand where you’re coming from and think you’ve got a very valid point. And it does sound very nice, actually. Just a close group of some aros all in a happy poly relationship, sometimes going out for night strolls or sometimes making breakfast for the other(s) in the morning. I know I would enjoy having all the cuddle buddies.

It definitely can be a little unsettling at times wondering whether they might be doing romancey stuff with each other, but that definitely hits a big, important part of poly relationships: trust. Without trust, they won’t work. So I’d say that as long as they’re trustworthy people and they’re not really doing anything sketchy, you’re probably good, and they’re probably lovely people.

It definitely seems very nice to live with a good group of close friends, all in a poly relationship.

I’ve got to say, anon, I was expecting to end up writing some long-winded response for whatever questions anons asked looking for advice, but was pleasantly shocked when I found this. My day has been a bit rough, so thank you for this lovely image you’ve now put into my head.

Thank you so much for the ask!

Hello anon! Thank you for the ask!

If you don’t like the aroflux flag, you don’t at all have to use it. If you like the like the aromantic flag, you can definitely use that! It wouldn’t be wrong at all, you can do whatever you want. I’d say as long as you’re comfortable using the aro flag, you’re good. Aroflux is an identity under the aromantic umbrella, and anyone under the aro umbrella can use the aromantic flag and/or label if they want.

I hope this was helpful!

Hello dear anon! Thank you for the first ever ask on either of these accounts!

Although I don’t often experience very many of them, I have researched and seen enough about this that I will likely be able to give you a reasonable answer. I do strongly identify with the arospec community, so although I won’t be able to give you a great alloromantic response, I think I know enough about this to give a sufficient one.

I know that one common sort of “feeling” associated with romance (not really a feeling, but still relevant) is not being able to stop thinking about them. sometimes that could mean staying up late at night because you can’t get them out of your head, other times it could be getting distracted and being unable to focus on much else when they’re around. With my experience as someone on the aro spectrum, I don’t often experience this, but do still find myself thinking about them more than the average friend.

The “butterflies” you mentioned I’ve heard a lot about, although I have never experienced them. I think this directly stems out of nervousness. Ever had to give a big presentation to a group of people that made you anxious? Ever been put in the spotlight while performing with a group in front of a bunch of people? I think it’s very similar to that anxious feeling you get in your stomach during those sorts of things, with the minor difference that when it’s butterflies and not one of the things above is that butterflies aren’t so intolerable. Though, I do completely agree with you, anon, it does sound rather painful. Every time I think of butterflies in my stomach, I remember the time when I thought I would have to out myself as not-cis to my classmates and I felt pure pain spread all throughout my torso. I sincerely hope that that’s not what actual butterflies feel like, because that was torture, and I don’t think that would be an effective way of communicating romantic attraction to your brain.

Sometimes, also, people might have sweaty hands, shaky legs, or things like that (also not feelings, but things experienced). Those don’t need too much of an explanation, they kind of just are.

Also, just in general, when you’re around the person you’re romantically attracted to, you just feel relaxed and happy. It’s a very calming feeling, it just feels like they’re home. This one I definitely have experienced, so I finally know what I’m talking about. When you’re around the person, there’s a sort of inexplicable feeling of pleasure that just makes you feel really good. I’m pretty sure I remember reading that when you’re around a person you’re romantically attracted to, dopamine (the feel-good chemical, as I like to call it) gets released, which definitely helps with that feeling of pleasure I was just talking about.

I hope this helps! Feel free to reblog and add on with anything I’ve missed, I’m sure there’s a bit of it!

I'm demigenderfluid and use they/them. 

I'm a gray/demi/quasi/bi/pan/romantic ace. Usually I just say graypanromantic. I'm also polyamorous. Though I do have some select things that can set off repulsion, I generally consider myself romance favorable. I've been in several romantic relationships, some where I was actually in love, others not so much.