#aroexperience

Hey.

This ask speaks to me. A lot.

Take it from someone who’s been there – you have a lot of time. I’m gray-aro ace, and 21, and I’ve been in a great relationship with somebody I love for the past two years. For me, that took the form of a more traditional girlfriends relationship, but for two other people it could have been different. And you know what? It is a little bit confusing – I got into the relationship by accident, self-identifying as aroace, and it took me over a year to feel like I could say “I love you” truthfully, so I definitely understand what you mean when you say you can’t feel that way towards people. Heck, I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about love and romance, but my girlfriend has been right there supporting me through it the whole time, even though I’m essentially trying to figure out if I’m romantically attracted to her the same way she is to me. And the thing is, I know we’re gonna stick with each other no matter what. She’s more than someone I’m dating – she’s a partner.

I absolutely promise that there are multiple people out there that you could click with relationship-wise, even if it’s platonically or queerplatonically, and it’s just a matter of finding them – which, with the internet, is easier than ever. I strongly caution you against attempting to date online as a minor, because there are all sorts of creeps out there, but once you’re an adult (which is definitely less than a forever from now), just reaching out to ace and aro groups and saying “this is who I am and this is what I want” may be able to help you find people who want the same things as you (assuming you can’t find them in person, which is also a possibility!). Bonus: that gives you a few years to figure out more about what you want out of a relationship!

I’ve been where you are, and I know it sucks, but I promise you won’t be alone forever, and that, even if it takes some trial and error, you will figure out what you’re looking for in a relationship. I won’t lie, it may take some failed ones to get you there, but happiness in love is not out of reach, even for people like you and me. There are people out there willing to love us and be patient with us as we navigate our non-traditional approaches to love.

I’m sorry I let this sit in my inbox for so long, but the truth of the matter is that I don’t know how to answer this question. I’m barely an adult myself, and I’m definitely not an expert on psychology. I can say that I convinced myself of some pretty detrimental stuff during high school, but once I left I gained a healthier, more nuanced view of my own sexuality and romantic orientation via experience and that I feel a lot better for being honest with myself about who i am, even if it’s causing some complications in my relationships. Hypothetically I would say that learning to accept yourself will always be healthier, but I don’t know your situation and I haven’t walked in your shoes.

I’m really sorry, I don’t have a good answer for this one. Followers?