#aroaceisreal

I went today to the Vegan market where my friends, an activist gay couple are on the campaign trail. On the outside they seem to have it all in the bag, both work, both seem to be well matched, both have a very good time together and seem happy and I know that they have been together almost fifteen years. 

But for me some strange shift begins inside, whenever I hang out with couples of any description. My boundaries begin to blur and there is this little sliver of pain that slips in and it’s just...like someone is quietly drowning far far away from shore.

I see myself like this, like I’m taking one last gulp of air before disappearing underneath the surface of a vast lake. I’m not sure why this happens and I’m never aware until I get myself alone--

My AroAce orientation is invisible. No-one can point and say--there is a happy AroAce person like they can at my gay friends and say ‘Gay’. The outside markers of the Aro-Ace are difficult to mark. 

Which means that it is also difficult to find solidarity, visibility and community. The cornerstones of PRIDE. 

It’s easy to forget who you are, to feel absent, invisible and erased because there is no ideal marker of external happiness for others to see.

I think that AroAce folks with dual identifications stand to lose out the most, and this blog is just a tiny corner of the internet. I hang on to it with both hands, and allow myself this tiny little space to breath. A snippet of self, with boundaries and strength...

I come here. I lay it down. I open up--I take back what has been stolen. I make new lines, and strengthen the boundaries.

It is your eyes that make this happen.

I’ve written about this before--and it’s been a little while since I’ve posted. But as Christmas flew past and 2019 looms I find myself alone in my studio thinking about a friend of mine who has recently just got into a new relationship. The more I’ m thinking--the more pissed I get. 

Two years ago we shared an apartment together in NYC, we road tripped together with another friend of ours and it was just us TransKids and the world. This guy Jack talked about being a serial monogamist and joked about ‘running out of decades’ between boyfriends and how he needed his freedom is now running out of time to experiment. He even entered the kink scene briefly where he played at being my pup. Well, I should have known that our friendship was short-lived and he hooks up with this very strange woman. 

She talked about being open and how he could hang out with anyone and have sex with anyone slowly saw a dramatic change of behaviour in my friend. He stopped calling so much, whenever he and I hang out, this woman comes along. I think in the last two years there is such a change in Jack and I see him go to India with her and now she’s moving in and it keeps going all over Facebook. 

I realised today, that this person that I had shared adventures with has put our relationship on the back burner. 

He has officially abandoned me. 

Why today though? I mean why now that the issue of loyalty suddenly finds me tripping? 

It’s because I feel alone, these two guys I opened my heart and home to, have in fact gone on to be in fulltime relationships. Jed got married, Jack is practically married. 

And my Aro-Ace self is left sitting here--invalidated. In the cold. Again. 

I find it hard to trust folks at the best of times, and many times I’ve been told that my heart is less than open. This may be true, and sometimes I am emotionally unavailable but I’m always ALWAYS loyal to my friends--and maybe that’s a failing on my behalf. 

Maybe it’s too much to expect loyalty from my friendships, but really its to blame a culture that de-values friendship altogether. I could do that, but then I’m railing at the walls angry as all hell and well...here I am again blogging about it. Not that I think that this is an inferior way to speak about what troubles me, or that you have wasted your time reading these words should you actually stumble across this text in the big bad internet.

But I have come back to my blog. Because here on this page, I can really be myself--I can say what I feel and for a few minutes while I’m writing my anger is valid.

Can I just say that it’s just not fair--I am still a valid person by being a friend too. 

I can’t switch my loyalty on or off like a light switch. 

If I could say something today, (that I haven't already said) all over this blog.

        👉🏽👉🏽👉🏽👉🏽💕FRIENDSHIPS ARE REAL SHIPS 💕👈🏽👈🏽👈🏽👈🏽

Don’t forget that. I’m beginning to think that ARoACe folks should just be loyal to other AroAces.

Maybe I need friends that are actually like me--and dgaf about a pretty boy or girl making moves on them or takes them overseas. But right now I’m just sitting here feeling betrayed and hurt.