#aro!roman

Roman laughed tearfully. "Kind of actually, but it's not because I'm sick."  

"Then what's wrong?"

"Promise you'll listen? You can get mad, just...listen. Please."  

"Of course. I'll listen, I promise."  

Roman took a deep breath, that sounded almost like a gasp for the emotions building in his chest. "I don't love you," he croaked. "I want to. I want to so bad, but I don't. And I've tried. I've read what it's supposed to be like and what it's supposed to feel like and I've tried because you're my best friend and that's what it's supposed to be you're supposed to find your best friend and fall in love and get married, but I can't and I don't know why and I'm sorry-"  

"Roman-"  

"I wasn't trying to lead you on by still doing this. I still want to spend time with you. I still want to be friends, but I had to be honest, because it hurts to hold it in and-"

"Roman-"  

"And it's okay if you're mad at me, I'll understand if you wanna stop this or if-

"Roman,"  Logan said a little more firmly.

"No, you said- you said you would listen and- and I need to get this out so- so you just stop and listen-"

"You're not broken," Logan said instead and squeezed Roman's hand.

"What?" Roman asked through his tears.

Logan's heart clenched in his chest and wrapped both arms around Roman as best he could. "I don't know what it was you were looking up, but your research left out something very important." He kissed Roman's head. "Roman, I want you to take a moment and think. Have you ever experienced having a crush on someone? A kid at school when you were younger, a popular celebrity, anything?"

Roman shook his head after a moment. "I thought it was just something kids made up to sound more like adults. It was just a thing people said because of movies and stuff."

Logan squeezed him tighter. "Some people do, other people genuinely experience those feelings."  

"But..." Roman shook his head and sat up out of Logan's arms and turned to face him so he was sitting almost sideways on the couch. Logan's heart ached seeing the look of open confusion and worry on Roman's face. "I didn't. I- Is it because I’m autistic?"  

"No!" Logan said firmly. "No, Roman-"

"Then what's wrong with me? What am I missing?!"  

"Nothing! Roman-" Logan took his face in both hands and thumbed away the tears running from his amber eyes. "I promise, you're not missing anything, there's nothing wrong with you, and you're not broken, I promise. What you're describing sounds like aromanticism, a lack of romantic attraction-"

"So I am missing something!"

"No, you're not,” Logan shook his head. “I mean, yes, if you want to get technical, you are, but so am I. And so are so many other people that they band together can built a whole community around the word. And if we're only looking at romantic love, then I don't love you either. I am not...attracted to you at all in the way that many people would deem necessary for a relationship, to be completely honest. But we don't have to check boxes on anyone else's list to be happy or to love each other, Roman. We can just exist as we are."  

Roman launched himself at Logan, flinging his arms over his shoulders, nearly knocking them off the couch. Logan laughed as he caught him, and hugging him tightly. "I love you," Roman murmured.  

"I love you too," Logan replied into his neck. "Let's lie down, okay?"  

Roman sat back and Logan pushed himself upright and the two stood together. "I feel like an idiot. A relieved idiot, but an idiot."  

Logan slung an arm around his shoulders as they moved to his room. "You're not an idiot. There are still many people who don't believe aromanticism is real. It’s okay that you didn’t know.  And even if you were an idiot, it would be okay because you would be my relieved idiot," he teased.  

Roman scowled and pushed Logan away with no real force. "Should make you sleep on the couch," he muttered. He stopped in the doorway as if it had just clicked in his brain where he'd been walking to.  

Logan seemed to pick up on Roman's sudden tension.  

"We've fallen asleep on the couch together before. This isn't really any different, but if you are uncomfortable I'd be happy to walk you to your own room or I really can sleep on the couch."

"It just feels weird. Because we had the whole confessing our feelings moment and now we're going to bed and that only ever goes one way in movies."  

"Well, for starters this isn't a movie. But also there is another word that I have found to be applicable to me. I'm asexual. I don't experience sexual attraction. And while there are some asexual people who can and do enjoy that type of relationship for a variety of reasons, I have no desire for one. But I'm not going to judge you for being uncomfortable by the idea of bedsharing. A lot of media sexualizes the idea to the point where bedsharing has come to be viewed as inherently sexual. It's not. But it's okay if you don't want to. I don't want you to think I'm trying to convince you that you have to, but I really don't see it as different than us falling asleep on the couch. Except that this is better for our necks because we won't be sitting up."  

Roman laughed and slumped against Logan. "I'm exhausted. I think I'm okay staying here."  

"I'll get you some pajamas then." Logan moved to his dresser and pulled out a loose pair of black and white plaid sweatpants and a black tee shirt and handed them to Roman, who accepted them with murmured thanks. It took just a few minutes to change then they settled down next to one another.

"You're right this does feel better on my neck," Roman mumbled, his eyes already closed.  

Logan snorted and just touched his forehead to Roman's. "You're ridiculous."  

"'M your ridiculous."  

"Yes, you are," Logan agreed. "And I love you in a very non-romantic and weird way."  

Roman smiled, already falling asleep. "Luff you too in same weird way."  

Logan shook his head with a soft smile. "Go to sleep, Princey. And sleep well."  

"Mhm. 'Night, Lo."  

It really doesn’t seem like there’s anyone for me

But dear hmm-hmm, I hope you like your name

I’m hoping that someday I can meet you on this earth.

But shit I gotta meet your mom first.

Roman hummed along to his own version of the song, not bothering to pay attention to the actual lyrics right now. He had always planned on raising a kid, going on little imaginary adventures, helping them become an amazing person, watching them grow into themselves and helping them through their trials. He sighed. However, once he realized he couldn’t seem to be attracted to anyone, he figured that dream was done for. Sure, maybe he’d just find the right girl, or even boy or person, but that didn’t seem to be happening any time soon. He knew that adoption was a possibility, but he didn't even know if they would let him do that without a spouse.

Too bad Roman was never one to let his dreams die, so as he got into his car, he smiled and sang his own lyrics to the song on the radio. 

Virgil smiled at the kid jumping up and down with his new family. That was Patton, a sweet kid who had been there for a few years. He deserved to find his family, he'd been the stand-in parent for everyone for a while. After several waves goodbye, Patton left and there was a hushed silence before it was interrupted by the usual sniffles and tears from everyone left.

Virgil didn't need a family, or parents. He couldn't. He did fine by himself. And he just had to repeat that to himself, over and over. He wouldn't miss or need anyone. He was okay.

He wasn't really okay. He just didn't want to look like a cry baby. But in all reality, he wanted to cry, he wanted a family. He wanted someone to want him. Like the song.

Dear Virgil, I hope you like this song.

And even when you're thirteen

And you scream at me for parenting you wrong

Virgil would never scream at someone, not if they tried. No one ever really tried.

I hope it's still a badass song.

It was. And he clung to his lyrics, they brought him such hope. That someone would actually be there for him, and not worry about how much he spoke or played with the other kids.

One of the staff members, Virgil didn't think to learn their names, walked into the the main room. He didn't want to try to handle that right now, so he grabbed a nearby blanket and curled up into a ball underneath it. He didn't want to hear about another kid getting adopted, or put here, or even worse, more foster home garbage. So he hid.

That is, until someone tapped him on approximately his shoulder. Oh no. He popped his head out from under the safety of his little blanket shelter, fearing for the worst like a rabbit that had been called out by a predator. 

"Virgil?"

He nodded hesitantly, his words caught in his throat once again. 

"There's someone here who I think would like to meet you."

Roman waited, anxious. His dreams of parenthood seemed so close to reality. He had been accepted! He was honestly surprised. Apparently his ‘agent,’ Natalie, had found a suitable kid for him to meet today. He was worried though. What if this kid hated him? That sounded likely. He just wanted this to go well, if not for himself, for the poor kid. This whole system sucked, and meeting random strangers must be terrible. So Roman really wanted to make a good impression. 

After a couple of minutes, Natalie came back with a small child. He looked like he was desperately trying to hide in his clothes to get away. 

“Virgil, this is Roman Sanders. He’s an interested parent, and I think you’d like him,” she told the child with a smile. “Roman, this is Virgil.”

Virgil? He had always liked that name.

Roman smiled and said, “Hi, Virgil! It’s good to meet you.” He waited a moment, but he got no response. Natalie frowned at Virgil, but he didn’t seem to care. He was adamant about being quiet.

Natalie sighed, “I’m sorry, he’s a bit shy, I don’t--”

“Oh, no it’s fine! I totally understand. You’re probably pretty tired of all of this, huh? You don’t have to say anything, but I hope you don’t mind if I talk your ear off, do you?” Virgil looked confused for a moment, then shrugged.

This guy was weird and… different from what he was used to. During their first meeting, Virgil wasn’t forced to talk at all, and that was nice. He didn’t really know what to say anyways, so having the option to not was helpful. He didn’t want to say something rude accidentally or mess things up. 

Over the next couple of weeks, they kept getting little sessions to talk, and they weren’t bad at all from what Virgil could tell. They moved away from the little room in the house and started introducing virgil to Roman’s apartment. Pretty soon Virgil could even talk to him. Which, that wasn’t very difficult, considering most of the time he could carry on a conversation just fine with little to no responses. Roman could probably have a conversation with a statue. 

Virgil was visiting Roman again today, he wasn't sure exactly what they were doing. Probably movies or video games. But he was still excited. He had really started having fun with him lately, Roman was nice. He let Virgil be who he wanted, didn't get mad when he was quiet or scared. He appreciated that.

“Hey Virgil!”

“Hi Ro."

Today, Roman was beaming. Virgil was confused, something felt different about today. What was going on?

Natalie, Virgil finally learned her name, smiled and showed virgil a pile of papers in her hand, and the letters bolded on top of one of them read out, “Report Of Adoption.”

“What? Is this…”

“Yup!” Natalie said cheerfully. “Now, this isn’t technically required, but Roman insisted that I ask for your consent here. Are you okay with this?”

Virgil paused, looking past Natalie at Roman. He looked hopeful. And Virgil smiled.

"That… that sounds nice. You really wanna...?"

Roman kneeled down with a sympathetic expression. "Of course I do. You're a great kid, Virgil. I want you to be happy, okay?"

Everything shared between him and his love… felt meaningless. Every kiss seemed empty, all the gifts he gave seemed to take a piece of him to, the words ‘I love you’ seemed to have no charge seemed to hold no power.

He knew something was wrong with him… though it was unclear as to what was wrong.

Roman looked up and smiled at his girlfriend who was waiting for him down the hall by her locker, probably for him….

Then he saw some guy go over to her and wrap his arms around her.

Roman watched as they shared a kiss, he watched seeing the passion they shared for each other. He knew she was his girlfriend, Roman did feel hurt… but only because he could never seem to express that same love to her.

Roman approached them and looked, “hello….”

“Oh…. Roman.” The girlfriend smiled and pushed the other guy away, “I… wanted to tell you I’m breaking up with you.” She smirked then flipped her hair taking her new presumably boyfriend’s hand as she walked away.

Roman stood there…. though only sad… he didn’t feel heart broken as he should. Roman sighed running a hand through his hair, was he broken? He knew life wasn’t like a Disney movie but he couldn’t help to feel disappointed that it wasn’t.

Roman had always seen himself as a prince, the perfect prince. But yet he could never seem to get his princess, to have true love like all true princes did.

Roman closed his eyes leaning back against his ex’s locker just relaxing for a moment.

Foot steps passed him in the hall, voices carrying out the doors. People leaving, the school day ending.

A pair of footsteps stopped next to Roman, a hand tugging on his sleeve.

Roman opened his eyes looking to the side seeing Patton, one of his best friends, “hey Patton.” Roman smiled.

“Hello! What’s got you down?”

“Relationship troubles.” Roman mumbled pushing himself off the locker and proceeding to walk down the hall with Patton.

Patton nodded rubbing Roman’s shoulder, “she break up with you?”

“Yeah… third one this month it seems.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry Ro.”

“It’s not your fault that I can’t seem to love correctly.” Roman replied giving Patton a smile.

“Now don’t be like that!”

“Be like what, telling the truth? I’m broken.”

“No you’re not… how about you come over my house? We could do some baking? My brother should be home too so we could have him bake with us too!”

Roman grinned thinking about it, “sure, I’d love to.”

“We could watch Cinderella too! I know how much you love that movie.”

Roman nodded walking out of the school with Patton and out into the cold, though it wasn’t too cold it was just chilly enough to cause one to want to shiver a bit.

Roman walked close to Patton as they went to Patton’s house in silence.

When they got there Patton walked in first unlocking the door, “Janus! I’m home!”

“I would’ve never known! Do you think I don’t have eyes or a window?!” A sarcastic voice called back.

Patton laughed softly, shaking his head.

Roman walked in behind him and dropped his stuff by the door with Patton’s.

“Ok! Let’s get baking, you find Cinderella while I grab ingredients.” Patton said before dashing off to the kitchen.

Roman nodded following then going to the living room attached to the kitchen. He found the movie and turned on the tv pressing play. Roman walked back over to Patton helping him start making the cookies.

It didn’t take them too long to put the cookies together and put them in the oven, they sat on the couch together after just in time for the ballroom scene.

Roman stared at the screen as the Prince Charming and Cinderella danced, wishing he could have a relationship like that, a perfect relationship like all the Disney movies have. He hadn’t even realized as tears slid down his cheeks.

Patton looked over at his friend seeing him crying and lightly put his hand on Roman’s cheek turning his head towards him, “Ro? What’s wrong.”

“I… I’m broken.” Roman whispered looking at Patton with pure sincerity.

Patton felt his heart shatter, he shook his head softly, “no you’re not.”

“I am...I keep driving everyone I date away… am I not perfect enough?”

“Roman, just because if you’re not society’s definition of perfect doesn’t mean you’re still not perfect. You’re perfect at being yourself.”

Roman looked down then looked at Patton before kissing him almost with desperation.

Patton let roman kiss him and just hugged him.

Roman pulled back crying more, ”I… what’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing is princey.”

“But… I liked those girls I dated well kinda… but I felt nothing with them when we dated. And I know I like you, maybe more than them… but I felt nothing when I kissed you. Something’s wrong with me.”

“Maybe you didn’t feel a romantic attraction for them.”

“But I liked them!”

“Roman, that doesn’t mean you had to have a romantic attraction for them…” Patton sighed softly, pulling Roman close, hugging him.

Roman buried his head against Patton’s shoulder closing his eyes.

“Roman, maybe you just liked them, cared for them.”

“But what about you? I… I know I care for you.”

“Roman have you considered platonic attraction, friend attraction. Maybe you just wanted to be friends with them.”

Roman nodded softly in understanding.

“Roman… have you ever considered being Aromantic?”

“I can’t be Patton, don’t you understand? I just said I have feelings for people. I’m not some emotionless drone!”

“Roman… that’s not what it means. Having a lack of romantic attraction doesn’t make you any less human or any less emotional.”

“Oh really?”

“Yes really! You have attraction to friends, but that’s platonic not romantic, you could still feel platonic attractions.”

Roman sighed softly.

“Roman it’s ok.”

“No it’s not.”

“Why?”

“Because… then I’m not perfect… because then I’ll never have my true love. I…”

“Roman you don’t need a true love, you could have a friend who is like a true love… I love you platonically Roman, maybe romantically too but that’s ok.”

“I… I love you platonically too… you’re my best friend.”

“Roman, would you like to try something new?”

“What’s that?”

“How about a platonic relationship? It’s like a friendship.”

“Um… ok… I just don’t want to mess it up.”

“You won’t. You’re amazing and I know you’re not going to mess up anything.” He said softly, hugging him closely.

Roman nodded, closing his eyes, cuddling him.

Patton sighed softly petting Roman’s hair.

The oven started going off, indicating the cookies were done. It kept beeping but Patton didn’t want to move, he stayed cuddling Roman. Occasionally whispering to him some reassurances, he had been friends with Roman for awhile he knew Roman wasn't the most self confident person. He may act like it but he was a good actor. He wanted his friend to know, it was all ok.