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You are not loved, therefore you wish to be feared. So you trample me underfoot, hoping that dread shall make you sublime in mine eyes. You see not that I have been emptied of such feelings. I shall never give you what you desire.
Tell me, my liege, how does it feel to know that your most loyal knight loathes you?
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I had a dream this night. In it, I took my sword and wandered the halls of the castle, seeking blood. My lord I slayed in the throne room, along with some of his friends and knights. A few ran out, only to be felled at the corridors. I chased them down to the last. Then I left. I'd never felt so free. And I laughed and laughed as I rode through the fields, warmed by their blood, my heart so full of joy.
I took up brigandry to hunt down the ones that were not in the castle. I stalked them like prey, ambushed them, then left their bodies impaled by the side of the roads. And when there were no longer any to punish? I hunted down their friends, their relatives, their relatives' friends, ever following the endless chain of revenge. Ever warmed by their flowing blood.
Gods forgive me, I haven't slept so well in years.
Duty is not a choice. It is a burden placed upon one's neck. The beast breaks the yoke, the crops fail, all begin to starve. The worthless beast is slaughtered for its flesh.
I do not love nor admire my liege. I do not believe them to be kind, just or wise. I find their actions repulsive and their soul corrupt.
But I have paid homage and thus will obey.
"You should not have the audacity to look at me like that."
"Poor little orphan son of a disgraced foreigner. No one would have even noticed if you disappeared over night. We could have given you over to a commoner family. Instead my father picked you up from the muck, so you would serve and be grateful."
"Do you understand that? Can it get through your thick skull? All your life, you were prepared to serve me. You were made for it. You are not a knight, Aris. You are a mindless thing they trained and then gave to me when you were old enough."
"Do you think you have a right to be angry at me? I will dispose of what is mine however I wish. You should be happy I haven't discarded you, even if you refuse to give me what I want. I keep you even though you are a failure and you dare to look at me like that?"
"I should have gouged your eyes out for not groveling at my feet. Tore out your tongue for talking back at me. Maybe one day you will reach the end of my patience and I will do just that."
"Despite everything, I am still good to you. I am merciful. You could have no other life. You'd become an animal. That is why I will hunt you down and drag you back if you ever try to run away. A stupid thing like you couldn't hide from me. So do not waste both of our times. Trust me, things between us can still get so much worse."
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To extract blood is trivial. Something even a scared animal can do. To extract the right words is an art. Humans love to speak, but mostly banal, uninteresting things. One had to play around, nudge them in the right direction to get them the good words, the important words.
The being with arms too long and teeth too sharp clutched its prize with clawed fingers. Its eyes shone, but the woods around it remained dark.
Oh, nothing like the feeling of holding a new name in its grasp.
----
A continuation of this and this
I was young then, bright-eyed and hopeful. When the tip of the sword touched each of my shoulders, if thought there could be no greater happiness. A life of noble service with stalwart companions. I wonder if you had already everything planned out then. A nod of approval, a quiet chuckle. It was such a short time, but it didn't need to be longer for me to fall for it. And fall I did. When you turned on me and all semblance of kindness disappeared, I kept chasing that fleeting moment. Sometimes I wonder, did it ever happen? Did I invent it to justify my pursuit?
I don't quite know when I realized I'd been chasing shadows. It came after giving up hope that I could fix anything, that I remember. Then I started noticing how that made you change. Because, I later learned, I had ruined your clever little game. The game where you ruined me.
Would it that I could ruin your entire life in the same manner.
