#archivethis

Declan does not want to talk about Mary Lennox.

It didn’t come up till Phoebe asked a few weeks ago, but it’s true. In fact, he has a strong preference on the issue, which is rare for him.

He knows it will get summed up as, “so you like her,” and it’s about so much more than just liking her. His feelings about Mary are tied up in a huge messy knot of other things, none of which he was comfortable bringing up in the family newsletter.

There’s everything she’s going through in school - college applications, being the new kid, graduating, etc.

On top of that, her parents’ death.

On top of that, her distant uncle, her explosive relationship with Medlock, the whole thing with Callie...

The way every barb Mary throws at him hurts his feelings, but never makes him angry anymore. 

The fact that he’s skipping days at the job he loves, the job he needs just to keep his family afloat, for her.

The fact that even Phoebe thinks he shouldn’t put up with her.

The way she closes up whenever they need to actually talk about something.

The secret they’re keeping (he doesn’t like secrets).

And they’re making so many exciting new plans, and this thing they have seems so fragile and important, and he’s trying not to push too far...

Right now, he doesn’t need (or want) to think about how she becomes his focal point whenever she’s there, or just why he’s been happier in general these past few weeks, in spite of all his extra worries.

Before you accuse me / take a look at yourself. 

The songs Sarah Medlock can't help singing along to on the radio. Mostly classic rock. 

A Sarah Medlock appreciation fanmix for MisselArch. Listen on 8tracks. Tracklist below the cut. 

When Mary was young, the only way to get a reaction was by acting out. Everyone from her parent’s artificial, claustrophobic world acted in; experts on suppressing feelings, feigning laughter, surprise, confusion. To Mary that looked like an elaborate excuse to fake life. So she did things. And she swiftly learnt that this was a consistent way to be noticed.

Her mother would cancel her nail appointment to come and have a discussion with her school principle; her father would collect her from her from a party at midnight after the cops were called.

As time went on, more extravagant rule-breaking was required to get her parents to do react in response rather than brushing her off with a sigh and slight exasperation.

So Mary started smoking and stopped studying. She looked forward to the lectures on responsibility, the awkward and silent car rides as the only time she could count on her parent’s undivided attention.

She still worried that at heart she was an-actor-inner, she never talked about her feelings or thoughts with anyone. Her parents never heard her when she spoke (unless she screamed and shouted and tore her hair out, only to be accused of being over-dramatic), she didn't have any close friends to confide in and would never be one of those people comfortable with sharing details about themselves to strangers on the internet. Sometimes Mary felt like she never said anything out loud that meant anything; she was entirely made up of snarky comments and avoidance techniques.

It was one reason she actually took up Dr Burnett’s idea of video diaries, just the act of telling someone what she’s feeling is therapeutic. It’s like proving to herself that she is more than she seems, even if it is only talking about her new life and the weirdness that is Misselthwaite.

Acting out seemed to be ingrained into her habits although she had no parents to impress, but people in Misselthwaite didn't seem as bothered by her. Medlock confiscated her cigarettes without much of fuss and Phoebe seemed immune to all of Mary’s antics.

And maybe Mary was trying not to act out anymore. Or act in. Maybe Mary was trying to just act from now on. To stop focussing on other people and focus a little more on herself. To talk to people even if it is all sarcasm at the beginning. She’s trying she wants to tell them.