[Recording begins.]

Hello. If you’ve found this recording, it’s likely you’ve already seen my blog and clicked on the name.

As you know, my name is Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist at The Magnus Institute.

This blog is purely for the sake of you all. There’s been a new Fear running around called The Parasite. I believe it has not been leaked to the public yet—but it has become apparent enough to bring to your attention. So, this blog is open to all questions, queries, or concerns. Just don’t tell Elias. He doesn’t know. I think.

And for the love of god, stay away from the beach. Grainy material. Bugs. Anything that could assimilate into a being far beyond your comprehension.

Aside from that, I am also open to answering other questions too, and I will be using this blog like it is any other. It doesn’t need to be finding this blog with its host.

Just—don’t be weird. I’m not entertaining creeps.

And—and stop calling me “Jarchivist?” I’ve noticed this trend ever since getting social media—I—why? Stop it.

…End Recording.

[Tape clicks.]

Notes (please read!)

so i was doing weed with two friends (avatars of the vast and spiral respectively) (not including their names but they will be V and S) with S chaperoning (S does not drink, smoke, do weed, drink tea or coffee for reasons i have never asked. we keep her around as a ward against bad trips. she thinks this is hilarious.) and then i spotted blood on the floorboards and was mildly curious about that. turns out V had dropped a kitchen knife on their foot 20 minutes ago and hadn't noticed. bc weed. V also zones out to the intergalactic when theyre high. S and I giggled for a while about it (it just went right through? how do you even fuck up that bad). but even so it was up to me, who was slowly coming down, and S to take them to a hospital.

Fun context about S. This is a woman (?) who saw the line between genius and crazy and thought "yeah i can trace that." She cannot. The line is weird and squiggly and randomly pauses for fun doodles and the odd formula, courtesy of her quantum mechanics degree. This also a woman with sensory issues that make it difficult to focus on streetlights and the like. I suggested that we drive for a while and then intentionally crash the car, since we might reach the hospital faster that way. it's not like any of us can die. S considered this for a moment before V mumbled some existential crisis inducing shit about the Milky Way being like tiny gossamer silk in the wind and we both instantly decided we did not want to be in an enclosed space with a tripped out Vast avatar. so S grabbed her walking stick and went "fuck it any time is a good time to learn how to drive". before we left we gave V an extra edible in case they come down and in their pain bring down the wrath of the falling titan upon us. and so we set off.

i cannot put into words how bad of an idea it was to let K drive. she got onto the roads (relatively empty since it was 2 am) and instantly accelerated to 120 kmph. it was a transcendant experience, for me and my stomach's contents. i just knew the seatbelt would be the only thing that would save my nose when we stopped. i got a bit bored after a while so i opened chess.com and started playing 2800 elo chess, hoping that the mental stimulation and the wind would drown out V's mumbling. i won about 4 games before a cop spotted us and S slammed the brakes. the seatbelt saved my nose. V, tall mf, was not afforded the same grace.

The cop sprinted up to S, harried and terrified and clearly inexperienced at the god forsaken psychopath that is S. Before he could say anything S went "whoa you look awful, are you doing ok?" and i guess her spiral abilities make people more emotionally vulnerable and willing to talk about their issues bc the cop actually answered. it started from "yeah work sucks" but somehow reached the cop's childhood trauma? and how his relationships are ghost- governed by his controlling mother? At some point his girlfriend Jessica came up and S was like "yeah shes supportive but your need to seek validation from your mother for every decision you make is negatively impacting her too." and then "maybe your mother thinks you're weak because you listen to her every word. family is complicated but from her perspective she likely thinks you cant even stand up to your mother, how will you face the Real World?" and "some people will cling to the version of you they have the most control over, and you don't have to remain that way." And i know S was Spiral Avatar-ing the fuck out of that poor man because she was doing NormieSpeak. generally she sounds like if a ransom note could glitch out. it was impressive tho. some real klingon-therapist speech shit. the cop left afterwards, too emotionally exhausted to remember to give her a ticket. and S sped back up to 120 kmph instantly. later i asked her how she knew Jessica and she said "yeah i gave him an imaginary gf. seemed like he needed one". which. yeah.

anyway we reached the hospital (i won 8 more games ) and had to get V wheelchaired into the waiting room. id completely forgotten about his nose so. double tap ig. we were there for 2 minutes when S started texting someone and after a while went ahead to talk to a receptionist. i dont know what they said but we got moved to the vip room and soon after people came to take V in. i did not ask at the time because i was occupied by these fancy cookies they had in the vip room. but soon after this red haired woman in scrubs stormed in and started yelling at S, which is a relateable sentiment. she was very, very obviously Flesh aligned, a surgeon (cardiothoracic i think?), and also S's girlfriend situationship ex wife ex-wife romantic partner of some sort. those two were being so sickeningly sweet i almost considered pausing my live game to install a dating app. thank goodness i didn't. acid trip nonwithstanding, i could not allow chesselo_gamelo_67 to ever think themself worthy of elo 2809.

at some point they both left, to calm down from their argument or to snog, i dont know. but then i saw it was 6 am and figured i might as well go look at the early morning sun for the first time in about 6 years. S was out there looking at something on the ground. it was a dead bird. asked me what kind of bird i thought it was, it could be a common babbler, or perhaps a thrush. i told her it was very obvious that it was a Dead Bird, Birdus deadus .Me. S did not appreciate this. S hit me with her walking stick. repeatedly. it hurt.

in hindsight, maybe the reason S drove so fast was not "deep and tender concern for our beloved friend V" and more "S really wanted to see her girlfriend situationship ex wife ex-wife romantic partner of some sort and figured vehicular manslaughter was worth it" . In further hindsight, according to F, under no circumstances is weed a reasonable approach to first-aid.

Further context, apparently S and F are not and have never been romantically entangled. they are just Like That, and have been for 2 years now. Quizzing them on this caused F to change the subject with suprising finesse and S to temporarily glitch out of reality after turning turning her shadow bright magenta and causing ferns to sprout from places ferns should not sprout from, realistically or ethically. Send help.

- Sincerely, E, avatar of the End.

@arscynic

This was... a pretty funny story, honestly. Refreshing from all of the horror statements about flesh and screams and the sorts. Thank you.

I'm glad your friends are okay. I suppose weed can sometimes be medicinal, but... not if you cause them to see the eye of god.

I have coffee. And it’s 9:55 where I am.

This is going to be an eventful research night. Statement coming soon.