The Ram and the Hare

Chapter 1: In Which John Egbert Needs a Girlfriend    

The new Nic Cage movie, Con Air 2: Rise of the Parazombies, had just come out, so obviously John had to go and watch it.  Normally he’d have dragged every single one of his best friends to the event, but over the years they had become wise to his tricks;  Dave had designed an app that predicted the release dates of terrible movies, and distributed it to John’s closest circle of friends, so they could all make plans well in advance.  He didn’t terribly mind, the euphoria of watching his favorite actor in another stunning display of thespianism was enough to satisfy him. However, John was not alone. He’d made plenty of new friends since coming to college, and, while she did not share his passion for the Cageman, Aradia Megido loved her some zombie movies.  Almost a little too much.

She stood next to him, near the back of the line, biting her lip (painted a dangerous shade of red) in anticipation.

“We should have cut class to wait in line,” she sighed, twisting a length of hair around her finger.  “The suspense is killing me.”

“Next time,” John promised, slamming his fist into his palm.  “I am going to skip anything I need to skip, even if it’s my own funeral,”  he poked her in the arm,  “Even if it’s your funeral!”

Aradia gasped in an exaggerated manner.  “Wow John, you’d skip my corpse party just for Nic Cage?  The bumpingest corpse party ever?!  I’d have gone through so much trouble to make sure everyone had a great time and you’d just be out here waiting to see Nic Cage in some movie that probably doesn’t involve zombies.  I don’t think my ghost would appreciate that!”

The two of them laughed a little, before standing in silence. This time, like most times, Aradia broke it.

“On the subject of my death, what happens if I die before the next upcoming Nic Cage movie? You’d be all on your own! You need a girlfriend,”  she winked,  “Or is it a boyfriend you want?”  With that she started poking him in the rib with her elbow, perhaps a bit more zealously than she should have.

“Ow,” he said, jumping a few feet out of line, “stop that!  I thought you would appreciate the corpse party.  And no I am not a homosexual; I like girls...”  An odd thought struck his mind at his own comment: they’d only known each other for a few months but he enjoyed hanging out with Aradia, crazy though she might be at times.  What’s more, it was not hard to see that she was very pretty.  

The hispanic girl had smooth, coffee-and-cream skin, and her long brown hair flowed wavy and untamed down most of her back, except where it was pulled into two big side-buns that looked a bit like roses, or ram horns.  She had a big toothy smile, with just a hint of menace to it.

He was almost tempted to ask if she was offering, jokingly of course.  Aradia had only ever talked about having dated girls, and as far as he could tell she was a lesbian.  He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. Regardless, just then, something divided his attention.

Unknown to him, a girl had been watching his friendly squabble with Aradia.  As soon as he had jumped aside, the girl, tall and athletic, wearing glasses, had jumped right into the vacated space, with a languid “can I cut you guys?  Thanks, you’re such a cute couple, and so generous too.  I’m jealous.”

Aradia was about to speak up, but John pushed right back into line with a rushed little, “oh no, it’s not any trouble!”

Aradia snicked and whispered into John’s ear, her breath tickling his hair follicles; “You just let her walk all over us because you’re not getting any.”

John scoffed and turned to face her, his face only a few inches from hers in the tight space of the line.  “You have no clue,” he hissed.  “I am what is traditionally called a gentleman, you silly broad.”

Aradia stuck her tongue out at him.  “Whatever, you just think that being nice will help you get into that chick’s pants.”  She winked.

John blustered and whispered back, just as the line started to move.   “That’s a really shitty thing to say!  I’m not some internet Nice Guy bemoaning the fact that women don’t like me; if I wanted to go out with a girl then I would just ask her!”

By now their whispers had grown loud enough that people, if they cared to listen, might be able to hear the gist of what they were talking about.  Most were too busy thinking about the movie, however.

 Except, that is, for one.  The girl who had cut in line,Vriska Serket, was bored and needed something to occupy her time.  Her phone had just died, so she’d taken to eavesdropping, and the couple that had let her cut seemed to be having a lover’s quarrel, and it seemed to be about her.  

“Stop talking about my dangle,” the boy hissed.  Oh, that was adorable.

“She is really pretty,” the girl said.  “You should ask her out actually!”

She grinned, showing her unnaturally sharp teeth.  She loved being beautiful.  She’d never been a homewrecker before, but it might be fun to give it a shot.

“No, we just met her, that’s kind of weird, we don’t even know her name!” the boy argued.  

Oh?  That was new.  Were these guys...swingers????????  Now Vriska was even more intrigued.

“Well John,” the girl said, cracking her knuckles loudly, tone going flirtatious, “If you don’t then I will!”

Vriska’s eyes went wide.  Hellllllll yessssssss, she thought, they’re polyamorous and looking for a new partner.  She’d gotten a good look at them; the girl had crazy curves, and the boy’s dorky exterior hid a fine physique.  Plus she loved light skin and glasses on boys.  She pivoted on her heel, and shot the pair an evil grin; they seemed startled.  “Here’s my number,” she said, giving them each a card.  “Call me after the movie, I’m plenty game if you’re still interested.”  Her wink was phenomenally dirty.

  *********

  The movie was great, at least in both of their opinions.  Afterwards, they went to eat at a little burger joint across the street from the theater.  It was now late in the evening; the sun had already set, but a smear of pink was visible over the rooftops, and only the brightest of stars were visible.  

“I’ll have the triple lamburger, medium rare, with extra bacon,” said Aradia, scanning the menu quickly, “and the biggest serving of fries?  Double it, and give me one of those.  Ooh, and one of those little cherry pies too!” She turned to John enthusiastically.  “What about you?  I’ll pay!”

“Umm, I will just have whatever falls off your plate,” he snickered.  

She blew a loud raspberry at him.  “There isn’t going to be anything left,” she warned.  John saw the look in her eyes; she was dead serious.

“Fish and chips,” he said with a sigh.

John watched Aradia eat; she was done faster than he was, and leaned back in her chair contentedly.  

“I was really sick when I was thirteen,” she explained, “It shriveled my sense of taste and almost killed me.  When I finally got better and could actually taste food, again I realized it was a precious gift.”  

Before John could really process that, Aradia pointed at him with a toothpick in accusation.

“You want to call that girl from the line earlier?” she asked.

“Um, not really,” he said.  “I’m pretty sure she thought we wanted a threesome.”

“Not a bad idea,” Aradia said, wiggling her eyebrows so they looked like little caterpillars at a rave, dancing their tiny hearts out.  

“Whatever,” John scoffed, smiling deviously, “Mostly she wanted me though, obviously.  You were just incidental to the threesome.”

Aradia rolled her eyes at him.  “You couldn’t be more wrong!  Vriska wanted me more!”

“I’m way hotter than you are!” John retorted.

“No, I am!”

“My butt alone is way hotter than you are!”

“Prove it!”

John stood up, looked her dead in the eye, and began fumbling with his belt-buckle.  Aradia threw napkins at him until he sat back down again, giggling.

“I have a better idea,” Aradia said after a short while.  “Let’s make a bet!”

“What kind of bet?”

“I bet that I can get more phone numbers than you can in 24 hours, starting tomorrow at sunrise,” Aradia grinned as she spoke, eyes taking on a manic gleam.

“What does the loser have to do?” John asked with a smirk.

“The loser will forever be known as the ugly, undatable friend,” Aradia said with grim finality, “and will have to refer to the winner as either senpai or her imperial sexiness.”

“Deal,” John said, extending his hand, “and just for the record, it will be his imperial sexiness."

They shook hands.  The game had begun.  Somewhere in the world, Dave Strider felt the need to pose like a team with himself, because shit just got real.

Chapter 2: The Scarlet AA         

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)          

It was a widely known fact that Aradia was competitive and that she planned to win, and she planned to have fun whilst doing it too.

Her alarm was set at 7am and an extra half an hour was put into making sure she looked her absolute best, although in the end she didn’t look much different than was usual.  Her outfit consisted of a burgundy t-shirt that shamelessly showed off her cleavage and a long grey skirt that hugged her hips enticingly.  More importantly there was just a tiny hint of something done with her makeup, a little touch here and there that subtly indicated a small amount of effort had gone into her normally effortless good looks.  A bit of smokiness around the eyes, a slight teasing to her curls, and voila, she was ready to win hearts.

As soon as she was done, she packed a bag of things necessary for her day and made her way to the nearest cafeteria for a Sunday breakfast. It wasn’t something she did often, but today she had to get as many numbers as possible, and that meant she’d have to get out and get her social on.

When she got there, Aradia went in line and spent a few moments deciding what she’d be having before noticing the guy in front of her.

He was in a wheelchair, which was obviously the first thing she noticed about him, but he looked to be her own age. His skin was but a few shades darker than her own, his hair was a dark mess of a mohawk and from what Aradia could see, he was very, very, cute, like a puppy who thinks it might never be a grown dog.  It warmed her heart.

Well hello, cellphone-number number one.

She tapped him lightly on the shoulder, to which he flinched slightly and turned to face her, and oh was he cute... Hot damn.

His eyes flicked up nervously at her, then away, then back, then away again, and Aradia gave him a large, warm, friendly, if slightly flirtatious, smile to let him know that she meant well.

“Hello!” she greeted, extending her hand so he could shake it. “The name’s Aradia!”

He stared at her, unsure of how to respond, before coming to his senses and replying with a slightly shaky “Uh, hi, I’m Tavros,” and greeting her soft hand with his.

“So,” she asked, the two of them moving forward with the line, “Are you here alone, or were you planning on meeting anyone?”

“Alone,” he answered, “why?”

“You’re cute, and I’m interested,” she put simply, “Are you?”

Tavros’s eyes went wide. “Really?! Uh... I mean, yes! Yeah! Sure...” he stammered.

Aradia gave him her signature wink and the two of them ordered and found a table, making small talk and eating their meals.

After a while, Aradia decided that while cute, he was not her type. Tavros was lacking in real self confidence, seeming painfully aware of even the slightest of his movements, every twitch of his face shouting to the world his concern over his perceived inadequacy. Aradia would like to be this boy’s friend and help him toughen up a bit, but she didn’t think she wanted to date him anytime soon. Nonetheless, walking away without a number would make the entire morning unproductive and time-wasting.

She glanced at her watch and realised she needed to scram as soon as possible if she planned on getting as many numbers as she needed.

“So, Tav,” Aradia purred, leaning across the table and closer into his personal space, “You see, I need to get going, but I’d hate to never see you again. Do you have a number I could have?”

A not-so-faint blush coloured his cheeks; in fact it would be fair to say that his whole upper face turned a sort of chocolatey red. He nodded enthusiastically.

Aradia smiled, taking out a small notepad and pen, and then handed it to Tavros. “Fantastic! Just write your name and number there and I’ll contact you when I can!”

He practically attacked the pad with that pen, slashing his number onto it as if it had wronged him, and Aradia left the cafe without another word.

The next number Aradia planned to get was from someone she barely knew, and didn’t really like, but she knew he already had a massive thing for her, making him an easy target; Equius Zahhak, the sweaty dude who worked at the local gym she went to.

One quick stroll late and, she was there. As hoped, so was he.

“Hey, Equius!” she waved, and he appeared in front of her in record time.

“Aradia! Hello,” he rumbled, slightly out of breath, “What are you doing here?”

Aradia raised an eyebrow in a joking manner. “I planned to do some quick exercise, unless you had a better idea in mind.”

Equius’s mouth gaped open at her flirty comment. “Oh, uh, yes, of course... Exercise...”

Aradia smirked and dropped her stuff on the ground.  “Would you like to help me stretch, or should I get changed into my gym clothes first?”

*********

The next hour or so was spent making Equius sweat, using a few select “lood” positions and comments.  Of course, the boy was already in so deep that he barely needed it; just a touch here and a dirty joke there, and he was putty in her hands; sweaty, sweaty putty.

Aradia left him a bit for a quick shower and to change back from her gym clothes (normally she’d just wear sweats and a tanktop, but today she had a new, silvery-grey sports bra).  As soon as she was done, she went back to Equius who was predictably, blatantly waiting outside the girl’s changing room for her.

“How was your shower?” he breathed. It was actually kinda creepy, but Aradia rolled with it because it was convenient.

“It was great, thanks for asking. It was a pity you couldn’t join, actually...”

His eyes widened behind his cracked shades as he used the already drenched towel around his neck to try and wipe away some fresh sweat from his forehead.

“So, if you could just write your number and name here...” Aradia said, handing him the same notepad but on a different page. He gladly did as such, although he ending up breaking the pen before he could finish, ruining the page with a spurt of ink.  Aradia sighed and fished another pen out of her purse, and when he was done she took back the pen and paper, gave him double pistols, and half skipped out the door.

The next place she decided to visit was a nearby beach and before she knew it she was already hitting up yet another person; this time it was a pretty girl in a black tank top and a colourful skirt with equally colorful jewellery. Her name was Feferi, and she apparently went outside often, judging from her tan.

Things actually moved pretty fast with her and one thing led to another and after barely half an hour of knowing each other, the two girls were making out on the sand. A dirty idea came to Aradia’s mind and as Fef was busy on Aradia’s lips, Aradia swiftly brought out her phone and captured a picture worth a thousand words, and sent it to John with nothing but a “;)”.

For some reason, though, Aradia felt sort of guilty afterwards, but she brushed it off and decided to spend some more time getting to know this Feferi girl.

Chapter 3: The Gloves Come Off and So Does the Shirt        

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)          

“The contents of this text message are highly disturbing,” Rose drawled, a slight smirk twisting her mouth indicating that she did not find them disturbing whatsoever.

“Can you give me the phone back?” John asked, his face reddening just slightly more.

“In a minute,” Rose said, just a bit hastily, trying not to stare.

John, unlike Aradia, was not an early riser.  He’d gotten up out of bed around ten, to meet his childhood friend Rose for brunch, a very WASPy thing that she did only half ironically.  On the way there, he’d received a text from Aradia that chilled him to the core; a selfie of the woolly-haired girl having a very steamy makeout with a curvaceous swimmer down at the beach.

John groaned, removing his glasses and face-palming.  “That girl is her third phone number! I hadn’t even woken up by the time she had three similar encounters.  Can you even imagine it!?  Aradia, making out with three women in the space of a few hours!  And just look at her; Aradia is fucking hot!  Stands to reason that Aradia can just like, pick out any girl she wants and just, fuckin, snap her fingers and suddenly makeouts!  I mean look at that girl in the picture, she’s fine as hell!  Imagine Aradia making out with three of them, it’s maddening!”  He groaned hard enough to make his throat taste salty and slammed his fists down on either side of his waffle stack.

Rose meanwhile had gone from a tiny smirk to a huge smile by the end of John’s spiel, and her pale cheeks had gone a very light pink.  “John I may pass out from the vapors if you keep talking like that, and also I am going to forward this to my own phone.”  John nodded, rolling his eyes, while she tapped a few keys and sent the steamy image off.

“It seems to me John,” she said, straightening her posture, “that the only way to beat her is to fight fire with fire.  Get aggressive.  She showed off her prowess early in the day, now you need to show off yours.”  She gave him a devilish grin.  John squinted at her.

Then she reached across the table, seized him by the lapels, and dragged him over the waffles towards her.  He let out a slight “eep” just before she smashed her black painted lips against his.  They were very soft and he might have enjoyed it if she hadn’t bumped her teeth against his.  She gave his lower lip a little bit of nibbling, and he did enjoy that.  Then the familiar sound of his camera phone snapping a pic snapped him out of it and he broke away.

Rose withdrew, her lipstick smudged, and typed up a quick message.  “The gloves are off Megido,” she narrated, “You don’t intimidate me and I’ll have you know that all things being equal, gentlemen prefer blondes.  Even if you best me in our contest, the only one who will truly have killed me is the even prettier blonde I’ll have betwixt the bedsheets later tonight, and I mean that in the renaissance sense of the word, which is to say orgasm.  Winky face.  Heart. XOXO.  Send.”

John stared, mouth agape.  “That sounds nothing like me,” he finally muttered, wiping the smears of black lipstick off his face.

Rose ignored him.  “Oh that last comment; could you mind going out with my sister tonight?”

John coughed.  “Roxy!?”  He remembered having a crush on the girl growing up, and she still made him nervous.

“The only sister I have,” Rose said, stealing a piece of slightly crushed waffle off his plate.  “It’ll definitely lend your little game some credibility, and if nothing else, you’ll have a pleasant date.”  She winked.  “Time changes people.  You’ve gone from a skinny geek to handsome, muscular geek, and Roxy has been thinking about you differently for a while now.  So what about it?”

John swallowed hard, and nodded.  He was a bit overwhelmed, but more importantly, he was thinking.  Sisters.  Muscular.  Prowess.

“I think I’ll take Roxy on that date tonight,” John said, furrowing his brow, an evil grin on his face.  “But first I’m gonna call Jade!  You’ve shown me the way!”  He pointed at Rose, “and now Jade is going to win me this competition!”

Rose squinted at him for a full minute.  “I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable earlier, now please stop making me uncomfortable,” she said.

John snickered.  “I’m not gonna make out with my sister you dizzy broad!”

Rose let out a sigh of relief.  “Then what’s the plan?”

 *********

 Jade stood on John’s campus in her cutest sundress and a white cloche with a green band around it.  She was gazing up at a tall aspen tree next to the science building, its leaves just starting to turn, despondently holding on to a limp length of cotton string.  Her eyes were watery, her lip quivering.  Amidst the green and gold foliage, a diamond of bloody crimson embossed with the SkaiaNet Labs logo sat entangled in the branches.  She began to cry.  “Wont someone please help me!?” she called, cupping her hands to her mouth.  “Please! Anyone!”

Jade, being adorable, instantly attracted a crowd.  But John cut right through it with a confident stride.  “What’s the problem Miss?” he declaimed in a loud, manly voice, back straight, hands on his hips like Superman.  Dad Egbert’s lessons in manliness were finally paying off.

“My kite!” she said, finally bursting completely into tears.  The word “kite” was extended by about sixteen syllables, half of which were either “boo” or “hoo”, and by the end she was just pointing at the tree.

Jade collapsed against John’s chest and she patted her back, shushing her comfortingly.  “Don’t worry little girl,” he said.  They were almost the same height.  “I’ll get down your kite if it’s the last thing I do!”

John let her go and strode forward, like David may have strode towards Goliath.  He took three steps, and then ripped his shirt.  This was not hyperbole.  He did not merely take it off violently with a ripping motion.  He tore the thing clean in half. And threw the fabric bits to the floor.  The crowd gasped.  To say that, underneath his overly baggy outerwear, John Egbert was some kind of marble statue of a particularly sexy deity would be an understatement.  The boy was fucking beautiful.  He stood upon the line between bara and bishonen, and laughed a hearty, Egbertian laugh, making a nonsense of such classifications.

John charged the mighty aspen like a Viking charging his enemy, then grasped the slender white trunk like a man tenderly grasping his lover, and squirreled up the smooth, branchless bark like a particularly short man ascending his lover.

The tree was just a few feet shy of three stories, and John felt a slight touch of vertigo once he reached the leafy crown.  He realized that he could simply have climbed to the roof of the science building and reached out to snatch the kite.  That would have been much less impressive though.

He took the kite, being very careful not to get the tail entangled in the branches, because he didn’t think he’d be able to untangle it with just one hand.  There was a moment when it seemed to snag on a twig, but then the twig pulled free and tumbled to the ground.  John steeled himself and scurried down the tree as quickly as he’d gone up.

Jade rushed over, face glowing.  Thank you, you kind, handsome gorgeous man!”  She leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek, and whispered, “John you owe me so hard for this shit, I can never go to this school now because they’ll think I’m some insipid blob.”

John laughed a full manly belly laugh.  “No problem kid, I’m just that great a guy!  Now run along home!” Under his breath he muttered, “I know a professor over at Humboldt who owes me a few favors; he can help you get into any school in the country, now give everyone your most winning smile and skip away.”

Jade rolled her eyes, and then in an instant, her face transformed, becoming silly, girlish and vapid, a tiny pink flush just under her eyes.  She skipped off, singing a sparkling “la-la-la~!”

The crowd started to disperse, but John felt that there were a lot of eyes on him.  He felt a hand rub his bicep, and a slight chill traveled up from the touch and into his spine.  “Can I help you?” he asked, turning to face the interloper.

“Hey hot stuff,” said a greasy, slimy voice.  Cronus Ampora stood there, groping John, wiggling his eyebrows crazily, puffing a cigarette.  “Can I get your number?”

“Back off bitchtroll,” said a husky, feminine voice groping John from the other side.  John turned only to get a puff of tobacco smoke in his face.  When the haze cleared, making his eyes sting, he saw a girl who reminded him of Aradia, if Aradia were a crazy-eyed girl in a red sailor fuku.  

“He belongs to me, I claim him.”

John chuckled trying to maintain his composure.  In a loud voice he called out, “both of you please, there’s enough of me for everyone!”

Chapter 4: A Day To Ramember    

Time flies when you’re having fun or, in Aradia’s case, enjoying some one-on-one mouth-tussle with a cute girl you met on the beach.

In her defence, Aradia was having a really neat time, but as the minutes turned into nearly two hours and kisses turn into lengthy one-sided conversations about Feferi’s apparent obsession in all things sea-related (not to mention the challenge at hand), Aradia knew she should reely tell this gill farewhale and probably not make plans to sea her again.

Feferi didn’t seem too let down when Aradia departed (which, to be honest, was a little disappointing), nonetheless, the Megido ventured onwards towards her next goal: one of her close friends, Sollux Captor.

On the way, Aradia passed the campus and noticed there was some sort of a small commotion happening near the science building. There was a girl she recognised, despite only meeting her, like, twice, to be John’s sister, Jade, walking away from the scene with her hands covering her face, a sad-looking kite dangling in front of her like a depressed angler-fish’s...angle. Aradia realized she had spent far too much time with Feferi.

“Hey! Jade,” Aradia called out a few times until heard. The green-eyed girl lowered her hands, let out a visible sigh, and made her way towards her.

“Aradia, is it?”

“Yup! What’s got you looking so glum? From the impression I got, you were always so chipper.”

Jade sighed again, adjusting her big, round glasses, “Sorry, just had to do an embarrassing thing in front of a whole bunch of people and I kinda really want to leave as soon as possible.”

“Oh? Was this something to do with that small crowd of people around that tree? I was just about to ask you about that!”

“John made me act like a complete dunce so he could be the hero to my damsel-in-distress just to impress strangers,” Jade groaned, “I looked like such a fool!”

“That sly dog...” Aradia muttered, “Did it work?”

“Yes! People are over there now, congratulating him, admiring him; some are even hitting on him! All because he, very literally, ripped off his stupid shirt, too! What a tool...”

Aradia’s eyes widened considerably. “I definitely need to see this.”

“Alright, I won’t stop you,” Harley responded, “I guess I’ll be on my wa-”

The cute girl was interrupted by the other cute girl reaching out and touching her arm softly.

“Before you go, might I get your number?”

Jade stared at her for a few seconds before squinting her eyes suspiciously.

“This is a competition of sorts between you and my brother, isn’t it?”

Aradia shrugged, not even considering denying her allegation. “Yes, but this way you can help me pay him back for whatever he made you do...”

There was a glint in her eye as she pulled out a pen and grabbed Aradia’s forearm, hastily writing what looked like her cell-phone number on it, then releasing her arm.

Before Aradia could even say thanks, Jade was already walking away.

Aradia stopped to consider how many numbers she had so far; Tavros, Equius, Feferi, and Jade, not counting Sollux who would be a definite maybe... That was four numbers so far, which was pretty good, but was it good enough? Aradia had to find out.

She walked toward the crowd with a skip, and as she got there, she saw them.

John’s abs.

Sweet fucking Jesus.

 “Like what you see?” said John, eyebrows wiggling crazily when he noticed his opponent.

Aradia bit her lip, thinking before she spoke.

“I’ve seen.... Better…”

John assumed the Superman pose, fists on his hips, glistening gloriously in the sun. “I’m comfortable with my body so it doesn’t faze me.”

Laughing, Aradia replied “So you should be.... So, how many numbers have you gotten so far?”

John chuckled. “Wow you’re really uncomfortable!” He flexed slightly before continuing. “Let’s see, Rose, Damara, Cronus...and I got a date lined up tonight. That’s gotta count for like three, right?”

“Hah,” she scoffed, flicking her hair back in a dramatic manner, internally flailing with joy, “I don’t mean to brag, but… You’re going to need to step up your game if you hope to win against me!”

“Okay fine,” said John. He seemed a little distracted and appeared to be staring at her. “Well, I guess I better whip out the body oil. Want to rub it on me?” he somehow pulled off the rare and coveted double-wink without making it look like a blink.

John, currently lacking the cute innocence he typically had, was making Aradia somewhat flustered, so she gave a small cough and said “Don’t think you can distract me from my goal, John Egbert. There are still more hours on the clock, more numbers to be gained…”

Before John could respond, Aradia decided to bring out the big guns, flashing, very obviously, the green, neatly written number on her arm.

“Recognise the handwriting?” she winked.

John clapped his hands to his face and let out the longest, most drawn out “No!” of his life. “Well, I mean, yes, I recognize it,” he muttered afterwards.

Aradia let out the most maniacal laughter, followed by wiggling her eyebrows. “See you later, John~”

John sagged to the floor as she sashayed away, victorious.

 *********

Moments later and Aradia was outside the computer store she remembered Sollux used to work at. Stepping inside, she unfortunately could not see him anywhere, so she decided to hang around for a bit to see if he would soon show up, but eventually, as she was looking around, she felt a presence come up behind her.

“Well, hello there, gorgeous. You can call me Eridan, or you can call me tonight,” said a pompous voice. At first, Aradia thought it might have been Sollux putting on a ridiculous accent, but it was the lack of a lisp that made her think otherwise.

Turning around, she found herself uncomfortably close to what only could be described as a grade A hipster; probably-un-prescribed thick-rimmed glasses, black and blue striped pants, an expensive looking striped blue scarf, weird blue and purple shoes, and a shit-ton of jewellery.

Aradia forcibly pulled her attention away from the guy’s outfit and to his face. She had had to admit, he was decently attractive, but his whole demeanour screamed fuckboy. Nonetheless, this would definitely be an easy number; so much so that Aradia almost considered this cheating, but hey, she was in it to win.

“Sure thing, but I’m going to need your number first,” she purred, leaning in closer (which was not a good idea on her part as he reeked of Lynx™ Body Spray), handing him her notebook and pen. “I’m Aradia, by the way.”

His mouth gaped wide open as if he were genuinely really surprised that he scored a reciprocated flirt session so easily, but he regained himself and scribbled down his number eagerly on the paper.

Aradia grinned in response, taking the pen and notebook, flipping it closed, and putting them away.

“So, Eridan, I’m looking for someone called Sollux. Would you happen to know where he is?”

Eridan frowned, leaning back against a shelf. “Yeah, he’s here today. I’m wwillin’ to bet he’s in the staff-only room in the back... Wwhy are you lookin’ for him?”

“I can’t say, but it’s really important. Could you please take me to him?”

With her batting her eyes like that and her eyes filled with hope, Eridan couldn’t say no, so he took her to Sollux, who was watching the Bee Movie on his tablet.

“Hey,” Eridan practically barked, “you’re meant to be wworkin’, not wwatchin’ dumb vvideos!”

Sollux shrugged, “Pthh... as if you work any more than I do,” he said, but he paused it anyway and spun his chair around to face Aradia and Eridan. His face lit up and his eyes widened behind the weird blue and red glasses he still seemed to wear when he saw Aradia.

“AA! What bringth you to thith neighbourhood?”

Aradia thought it cruel to just ask for Sollux’s right in front of Eridan right after only just gaining his number, so she turned to Eridan and politely asked “do you think you could give us a minute?”

Eridan huffed, but nodded and left the two of them alone.

Aradia straight away went in for a massive hug, nearly snapping Sollux, who resembled a twig compared to herself.

“I can’t believe you still work here! I mean, I was hoping you were, otherwise I obviously wouldn’t be here and-”

Sollux stopped her by trying to shoosh her but, due to his lisp, it sounded like a cute “thhhh”.

Aradia let out a small giggle and Sollux finally stepped out of her arms.

“So what are you doing here? I haven’t seen you for, what’s it been, a year? Thinth you went to college? I’m thuper thrilled, though, don’t get wrong.”

Aradia felt pretty bad then for only coming to see him after so long for a competition between her and John, so she thought that maybe it was best to say a bit of a white lie.

“I was in the neighbourhood and I was hoping to catch up with you, maybe get your number, and organise a date we could hang out and catch up,” she said, applauding herself for her smooth cover, pulling out her notebook and pen again, giving it to him, and praying to whatever deity might be there that he wouldn’t flip the pages and see all the other numbers. Thankfully, he did not, and he took and he gave it back, before writing his number down.

“Why not right now?” he asked with the cutest, most hopeful smile, “I’ll tell Eridan I’m gonna take the retht of the day off, I don’t give a fuck.”

Aradia frowned slightly. “I’m actually pretty busy today...”

“How about tonight?”

“What are you suggesting?”

Sollux moved in closer and grasped Aradia’s hands, rubbing small circles on them with his thumbs. A small chill went down her spine. This was...nice.

“Dinner-date, maybe?”

Aradia bit her lip, thinking... John did say he was taking someone out on a date tonight, too, so why couldn’t she?

Her mind flooded with guilt as she thought about John while holding hands with Sollux. Did this mean... She was crushing on John? Sure, he was cute, in more ways than one, and pretty funny, and totally her type... But, no. Their whole friendship was founded on silliness and dumb movies; how could that ever evolve into a romance? Besides, Sollux was also her type, and he was just as cute and funny, plus they had history.

Literally. They shared history in their last years of high school together.

“Uh... AA? Hello?”

Aradia snapped back into the present.

“Yeah! Sounds great! Where and when?”

“There’th a neat plathe called Sgrub. I could retherve a thpot and I’ll pick you up at thixth-thirty?”

Aradia nodded and smiled in response before getting out her phone, adding Sollux as a contact, and sending him her address.

“See you then! I should probably get going now... Haha.”

“Aw, alright. Thee you later, AA.”

“See ya later, nerd.”

With that, Aradia left, not looking Eridan in the eye as she did as such. When she left, instead of going out and getting more numbers she found herself catching a bus home and then laying on the couch in silence, regaining the energy that today had taken from her.

When 6:30 came around, Aradia was in a beautiful red and black dress with her hair in a low pony-tail that reached her waist. She hadn’t left her house since she came back from seeing Sollux, nor had she tried to get any more numbers. She wasn’t in the mood and she already had 6 numbers, whereas the last she heard from John he only had 3, and she didn’t really expect him to get many more as he was the kind to invest a lot of time into one person instead of a lot of people anyway. It was a trait that she admired about him, but even if he did surprise her by winning, Aradia found herself not caring anymore.

The game was no longer fun anymore.

Aradia heard two distinct knocks at the door, and that was all she needed to know that Sollux was here to pick her up.

“What’th thhakin’ bacon?” he said, wiggling his eyebrows fiercely.

And thus their date began.

Chapter 5: The Breathalyzer Tests Positive for Ram          

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)          

In his mind, John was spinning around in a circle and screaming.  He was going to fucking lose, and be forever known as the undateable, ugly friend.  To be entirely honest he didn’t really want to date anyone at this point in his life, or more accurately to date someone that he was already close with, knew he had a good rapport with, could just hang out and watch amazing movies and eat hamburgers with.  Too bad Aradia was a lesbian actually, he thought, because she would totally be his ideal datemate.  

Well who knows, he thought, maybe this date with Roxy would turn out to be more than just a one-night deal.

John was back home in his apartment he shared with Dave, huddling under a blanket because his shirtless abs were cold.  He briefly considered asking Dave for his number, but that probably wouldn’t fly; neither for Aradia’s competitive mind nor Dave’s fragile hyper-masculine heterosexual persona.  Besides, he’d been out of town for a couple days.

A thought occurred.  John picked up his cell phone and called Dave.  There was some kind of ruckus in the background when Dave picked up.  “Yo John I’m kind of in the middle of something so if you could just call me back—”

“Yeah, but this is more important!” John shouted.

Dave didn’t snort or laugh but the air sound became kinda staticky, as it often does when Dave laughs internally so hard that it causes psychic disruptions.  “I kinda doubt that actually, I’m literally on a floating continent about to cause a global extinction event.”

John snorted.  “Shut the fuck up you nerd, and by shut the fuck up I mean keep talking but in a way that helps me personally.  See, I need…” he paused dramatically, “dating advice!”

“Shit, that is more important,” said Dave.  “Hold on just gimme like five seconds and I’ll get right back to you.”  There was a loud metallic banging on his end for a few seconds, and a couple of swear words, and then Dave was back.  John told him all about the competition.  Dave listened patiently, only occasionally pausing to continue his metallic banging and swearing.  What the hell was this wannabe coolkid up to, John thought, fixing an old boiler maybe?

“Okay this is easily fixed,” said Dave.  “You won’t even have to do anything except get ready for your date.”  His voice muffled, but John could still hear it, as if Dave were just shouting over his shoulder.  “Yo Callie, upload my little black book onto John’s PDA!”

John blinked.  The PDA screen glowed a bright golden yellow for a few seconds and then the machine vibrated for a full five minutes, as if John had turned it off for a day and turned it back on, receiving every notification he should’ve gotten in the intervening time all at once.

Checking the device, he saw that his Pesterchum app had remotely installed around a hundred girls’ names onto his contacts, each with an accompanying cute selfie.  There were some that he recognized, and some that he did not.  Many of them appeared to be foreign.  He recalled that Dave’s rap career had picked up in Eastern Europe over the summer.  That was truly a wild tale for another time, he thought, grinning at the assorted numbers, and surely the most interesting thing that could ever happen to Dave.

“Now obviously just downloading a database of fine honeys is not gonna fly in this kind of competition since they were literally handed to you on a silver platter and you didn’t have to earn them like what I did,” said Dave.  The mechanical banging was getting louder, and something that sounded like an explosion went off in the distance.  “Shit.”

On the other side of the world, Dave saw city hall get blown up by a ravaging horde of Caliborn’s sentry robots.  “Are you okay Dave?” John asked, concerned.

Dave picked up a submachine gun and started shooting into the mass of screaming metal.  “Yeah sure thing John, just pick a couple girls and text them real quick to see if they’re interested until you get enough numbers to win, then go enjoy your date.”  Dave hung up.

Up above Calliope, the magical grey-skinned android they’d brought to life last night, fired twin beams of red light from the gems in her cheeks, incinerating the robots.  “Avengers!” he said, raising his shield, “ASSEMBLE!”

  *********

John fiddled around on the phone for a little while as he laid out his clothes for the evening.  He picked out a handful of girls he thought were cute and messaged them.  He had a little roleplay with a cute, kittenish girl.

AC: :33< *the curious kitten rubs her head against the intrepid hare’s flank*

EB: *the rabbit decides not to flee, and nuzzles the kitten’s neck* ;P

AC: :33< *pounce de leon the terrible smirks to herself and shatters the rabbit’s back with a mighty blow of her paw, tearing it open with her shiny, glistening teeth to suck his spinal fluid* :33

EB: …

EB: well that was fun.

EB: wanna give me your real phone number so I can give you a call sometime?

AC: :33< *purrs, considering* I really prefer to text!

EB: well yes but maybe I can take you out to the zoo sometime and we can look at the tigers together?

AC: :33< there’s an idea!  I fucking love big cats!

His task accomplished, John moved on.  Some skater chick named Latula convinced him to send her pictures of his abs (in exchange for pictures of her own).

EB: wow those are pretty sick abs.

EB: someone should call the doctor, because that’s how sick they are.

LP: th4nks you’r3 not too b4d yours3lf br4h!  you work out?

EB: a bit yeah but i also used to do some work as a handy man’s assistant, mostly carrying around sledgehammers and lead pipes and shit.

LP: pr3tty sw33t yo.  so wh4t, you dtf?

EB: …

LP: wh4t? th1s 1s on3 of thos3 hook up apps 1nn1t?

EB: how about you buy me dinner first omfg

In a bit of a cold sweat, John managed to pin down the girl’s number. Feeling just slightly unsafe, John changed before trying anything again.  He’d almost gone with a full suit but decided not to be too formal.  Navy slacks, a dark blue button down shirt and black leather shoes were his outfit for tonight.  It had been a while since he wore the shoes, he saw, and they were a bit dusty, so he set about polishing them.  To amuse himself he picked out another girl at random and started texting her too.

EB: hey there.

EB: sorry to bother you my friend put a bunch of contacts on my phone and im bored.

uu: oh dear.

uu: er, sorry love, bUt yoU’re not sUpposed to have this contact on yoUr phone.

EB: thats too bad you seem interesting.

uu: that’s very kind of yoU to say!

EB: im serious, lets exchange selfies.

uu: great scott, are you hUman flirting with me?   i am literally one day old!

EB: ahh, you like role playing too!  what game is this?

uu: the game is called “i’m an android created to be the perfect body of a malevolent ai, bUt i was broUght to life by  magic ring and became sentient before he coUld Upload his vile personality” U_U

EB: wow that sounds really intense!

EB: but what was that about a perfect body? ;P

uu: <blUshes a shade of green i heretofore had no knowledge of being able to turn!>  *sir!* i am frankly a little offended and *more* than a little flUstered!  i-if you knew what i looked like you would doUbtless change your tUne.

EB: how about a selfie then, so I can judge for myself?

He blinked and did a double-take when he received the picture.  The girl was dressed in a green suit that showed off a hint of a curvy figure, but her face was all grey, with sharp teeth protruding over her lower lips, and messy silver hair.  There were green swirls on her cheeks and her scleras were yellow.

EB: that is really fantastic cosplay!

uu: i’m sorry *what*?

EB: you look fantastic!  and i think youre pretty!

uu: <melts into a pUddle of liquid metal goo> yoU are a godless cad john egbert, i swear, the caliborn sentries won’t have to touch me, i’ll have died of the vapors dUe to your shameless flirting ^u^

EB: can I get your cell phone number and call you some time? I bet your voice is as pretty as your face ;)

uu: jUst a moment dear, i don’t have a mobile yet.

uu: excellent, i’ve just acqUired service!  here’s my nUmber:

John chuckled to himself as he saved the number and finished polishing his shoes.  Now this was a good candidate for a girlfriend, weird roleplaying aside.  Although, it did seem kinda duplicitous to be looking in so many directions when he already had a date lined up.  He’d had a crush on Roxy when they were children and in truth it never really left him; the John of only two years ago would’ve been jumping for joy and dancing in the streets.  Now, the closer the actual date seemed, the more fragile it seemed to become, like a bubble blown onto the snow, left until it becomes sheer crystal and shatters.  He hadn’t spoken with her in years; did he like Roxy, or just the idea of Roxy?  Was he really thinking these things, or was he just looking for an excuse not to go, out of fear of finally attaining something he’d held onto for so long?

Almost as if in response to his troubled train of thought, John was struck by a moment of intense nervousness as he looked at himself in the mirror.  He looked great; his appearance had nothing to do with the mild panic.  Instead he just felt incredibly foolish.  He’d only really dated a couple of times in the past and nothing terribly serious.  John really wished someone were here to encourage him.  With the absence of Dave, he’d have preferred Aradia.  She was his best female friend and a source of pure light and warmth.  Damn, he thought, if only he could date her—

Shit.  John slapped himself, blushing into the mirror.  He’d just fallen for a lesbian.

  *********

Vestigial Empire was a fusion restaurant decorated with cyclopean memorabilia from long forgotten civilizations and brass plaques depicting lines of poetry that instilled the reader with knowledge of the fragility of man.  John and Roxy were seated under “all around that colossal wreck, boundless and bare / the lone and level sands stretch far away”.

Roxy, leaning against the table with an appraising look in her catlike eyes, was dressed in a splendid purple dress, tastefully sparkly, with dark elbow-length gloves.  Her hair curled up at the ends so she looked like a very young Marilyn Monroe.  He’d ordered some sparkling wine for the table.  Roxy winked a big pink eye at him.  “I really shouldn’t drink, but since you’re paying, eh?” she said, and downed her glass in one gulp, leaving behind a smudge of dark lipstick.

“Haha, yes,” said John, rubbing the back of his head a bit.  “We’re adults, drinking liquor together.”  He took a sip of his own wine.  It tasted like fruit soda, if fruit soda hated him.  “Delicious,” he croaked, feeling the heat rise in his cheeks.

Roxy giggled.  “Can’t hold your liquor, can you?  Already turning red,” she accused, pouring herself a second glass.

“That’s absolutely it,” said John.  A moment later, as Roxy tried to keep herself from chuckling at him, a gear crunched in his head.  “Is that more embarrassing to admit to than being shy?”

She snorted, arching a perfect eyebrow.  “Yes.  I try not to judge people but yes.”  They both had a little giggle.  John finished his glass and Roxy finished her third.  The next twenty minutes were spent in pleasant banter.  John felt his nerves steadying themselves as he got used to the beautiful girl’s company again.  Clearly all his earlier worry had just been the wimpier aspects of his personality trying to derail him.  It was going fucking fine.

The appetizer arrived; an order of zesty Italian eggrolls.  “Oh shit I love these,” said Roxy, snatching one up and eating half in one bite.  “I could eat like six plates myself,” she said around a mouthful of food, downing it with another glass of wine.

John smiled.  “Yeah they’re pretty great.  I buy the frozen ones and just pig out sometimes.”

“You’re my kinda man!” Roxy declared, her inside voice growing in volume as she did a vast sweeping gesture.  He noticed that her gloves were fingerless; very practical.

Roxy slammed back another glass of wine.  “God I hope the food shows up soon, I don’t wanna be drunk through dinner,” she said, looking around the restaurant with hooded eyes.

John quirked his eyebrow.  “Looking for someone?” he said with a slight smile.

Roxy snorted.  “Hey Johnny, ever fall for a gay kid?”

He blinked two or three times.  That was unexpected.  “Um, yeah,” he admitted with a deep sigh.

“Me fuckin’ too,” she muttered.  “Don’t get me wrong, I like you!” she added with a defensive wave of her hands, “you’re really hot and super nice you’re buying me food, all of which are fantastic qualities, but I gotta be upfront that this date is happening under a level of emotional baggage on my part!”  She poured the last bit of wine from the bottle into her glass and sipped it tenderly.  "Garçon!” she cried sweetly over her shoulder, “mas vino, por favor!”

A new glass of wine appeared, along with the main courses.  John had a rack of boar ribs marinated in honey and Mesopotamian beer, while Roxy had the signature chow mein a la marinara.  “Tomato sauce is some kind of divine elixir,” she said, chowing down.  “I tracked down the original recipe for marinara sauce in Antonio Latini’s cookbook from the fuckin’ 17th century so I could have some authentic Italian and it took me to the fuckin’ moon.  Better than booze.”

Her words were slurring now, though she seemed more or less completely lucid.  John and Roxy talked about cooking throughout their meal; how John learned to bake from his father but couldn’t fry an egg, while Roxy taught herself to cook since her and Rose’s mother was often too busy or too drunk to tend to their foodly needs.   “I can make literally any kind of pasta, but nothing else,” she said, finishing the second bottle of wine.  “Yoohoo, Garçon!  I want some of this rare ancient Greek honey be-er!”

John looked at the menu and found what she was talking about; the King Midas vintage was as expensive as the entire rest of the meal.  “I don’t really think that’ll be a good idea,” said John.

“I’ll share!” Roxy declared, leaning across the table and setting her hand on his shoulder.

“I don’t actually really like alcohol that much,” John whispered, looking around from side to side.

“Aww,” Roxy cooed, stroking his collarbone with the tip of her finger, sending a shiver down John’s spine.  “How about you buy that for me,” she whispered, “and I rock your fuckin’ world tonight, you fuckin’ stud?  ‘Betwixt the shits’ like.”  She giggled to herself.  “Sheets I mean, OMF.”

John was busily trying not to choke.  “I fucking exposed myself to the entire campus earlier I shouldn’t be this nervous,” he muttered.

“What was that?” Roxy asked, sitting back down, the sultry draining out of her like water through a sieve, leaving her safe, jocular normal self behind.

“In the interest of full disclosure I am also still currently crushing on a gay person,” John blurted out.  The entire dining area went quiet at just that moment and stared over at him, as the waiter brought Roxy’s King Midas beer.

Roxy cracked the bottle and chugged half of it in one gulp.  “God damn Egbert, way to cause a fuckin’ scene,” she drawled, a bit too loudly.  From the expression on her face, she looked like she might fall asleep soon.  There would be no worlds rocked betwixt the sheets for her tonight, thought John, even if he’d felt comfortable sleeping with a drunk girl.  Which he absolutely didn’t.

“We’re having a competition,” he said, lowering his voice to a whisper, “we’re racing to see who can collect the most phone numbers in a day.”

Roxy stared at him as if he were insane, and then started cackling.  Pounding her fist on the table to punctuate her laughter, she said, “OMFG John, you won’t fuckin’ believe it but me and my gay crush are having the same competition!  He told me he had a fuckin’ date tonight and it really messed me up.  I think I’m probably gonna lose.”  By the end of this, her mirth had subsided, and her voice became wobbly.  John thought she was going to cry, but she started coughing instead.

“Can I get some water for my date here, garcon?” he asked a passing waiter, just as Roxy emptied the contents of her stomach onto John’s shiny black shoes.  He sighed.

“Real sorry Johnny,” she mumbled, looking like a kicked puppy.

“Let’s get you home,” he suggested.  He told the waiter to get him the bill and a doggy bag instead of water and left a fifty on the table, standing up to help Roxy to her feet.

“Such a gentleman,” she said, leaning heavily against him, and absently, almost automatically groping his chest.  “Wow you’re fuckin’ ripped,” she muttered.  Suddenly, Roxy’s eyes widened.  She had seen something awful across the restaurant, a sight that would haunt her to the end of her days.

There was Jake English, sitting at a booth, with his arms wrapped around their mutual friends Dirk and Jane.  They were clinging to him barnacles and taking turns kissing his lips.  He caught sight of her watching, and gave Roxy the double-pistols and a wink.

“Motherfucker’s bi,” she hissed, raising her middle finger.  “How dare he lead me on like that!?  Guess what Johnny, your world’s getting rocked anyway!  C’mere,” and with that she stood as straight as possible, flipped John to face her straight on, and laid a heavy, sloppy kiss on his mouth.

The first thing that struck him, admittedly, was the taste of alcohol and bile.  John bemoaned the fact that two pretty girls had kissed him today, and both of those kisses had been subpar as far as kisses went.  And here was the girl of his dreams (or who had only left his dreams in the not too distant past) hanging on his lips.  But he couldn’t enjoy their fullness, their softness, or the warmth of Roxy’s body against his, because somehow, unbeknownst to him, Aradia and her date had been sitting within spitting distance this entire time.  She was staring at him, a fork raised to her open mouth, eyes wide in shock.

2ni, mitspeiler    

Summary:

mitspeiler: John and Aradia embark on a deadly wager, a game of pride and cunning ensues and only one will survive... (well not really) 2ni: Aradia and John get competitive as pales but then rED and HAPPINESS occurs

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

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Chapter 1: In Which John Egbert Needs a Girlfriend    

      Chapter Text

The new Nic Cage movie, Con Air 2: Rise of the Parazombies, had just come out, so obviously John had to go and watch it.  Normally he’d have dragged every single one of his best friends to the event, but over the years they had become wise to his tricks;  Dave had designed an app that predicted the release dates of terrible movies, and distributed it to John’s closest circle of friends, so they could all make plans well in advance.  He didn’t terribly mind, the euphoria of watching his favorite actor in another stunning display of thespianism was enough to satisfy him. However, John was not alone. He’d made plenty of new friends since coming to college, and, while she did not share his passion for the Cageman, Aradia Megido loved her some zombie movies.  Almost a little too much.

She stood next to him, near the back of the line, biting her lip (painted a dangerous shade of red) in anticipation.

“We should have cut class to wait in line,” she sighed, twisting a length of hair around her finger.  “The suspense is killing me.”

“Next time,” John promised, slamming his fist into his palm.  “I am going to skip anything I need to skip, even if it’s my own funeral,”  he poked her in the arm,  “Even if it’s your funeral!”

Aradia gasped in an exaggerated manner.  “Wow John, you’d skip my corpse party just for Nic Cage?  The bumpingest corpse party ever?!  I’d have gone through so much trouble to make sure everyone had a great time and you’d just be out here waiting to see Nic Cage in some movie that probably doesn’t involve zombies.  I don’t think my ghost would appreciate that!”

The two of them laughed a little, before standing in silence. This time, like most times, Aradia broke it.

“On the subject of my death, what happens if I die before the next upcoming Nic Cage movie? You’d be all on your own! You need a girlfriend,”  she winked,  “Or is it a boyfriend you want?”  With that she started poking him in the rib with her elbow, perhaps a bit more zealously than she should have.

“Ow,” he said, jumping a few feet out of line, “stop that!  I thought you would appreciate the corpse party.  And no I am not a homosexual; I like girls...”  An odd thought struck his mind at his own comment: they’d only known each other for a few months but he enjoyed hanging out with Aradia, crazy though she might be at times.  What’s more, it was not hard to see that she was very pretty.  

The hispanic girl had smooth, coffee-and-cream skin, and her long brown hair flowed wavy and untamed down most of her back, except where it was pulled into two big side-buns that looked a bit like roses, or ram horns.  She had a big toothy smile, with just a hint of menace to it.

He was almost tempted to ask if she was offering, jokingly of course.  Aradia had only ever talked about having dated girls, and as far as he could tell she was a lesbian.  He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. Regardless, just then, something divided his attention.

Unknown to him, a girl had been watching his friendly squabble with Aradia.  As soon as he had jumped aside, the girl, tall and athletic, wearing glasses, had jumped right into the vacated space, with a languid “can I cut you guys?  Thanks, you’re such a cute couple, and so generous too.  I’m jealous.”

Aradia was about to speak up, but John pushed right back into line with a rushed little, “oh no, it’s not any trouble!”

Aradia snicked and whispered into John’s ear, her breath tickling his hair follicles; “You just let her walk all over us because you’re not getting any.”

John scoffed and turned to face her, his face only a few inches from hers in the tight space of the line.  “You have no clue,” he hissed.  “I am what is traditionally called a gentleman, you silly broad.”

Aradia stuck her tongue out at him.  “Whatever, you just think that being nice will help you get into that chick’s pants.”  She winked.

John blustered and whispered back, just as the line started to move.   “That’s a really shitty thing to say!  I’m not some internet Nice Guy bemoaning the fact that women don’t like me; if I wanted to go out with a girl then I would just ask her!”

By now their whispers had grown loud enough that people, if they cared to listen, might be able to hear the gist of what they were talking about.  Most were too busy thinking about the movie, however.

  Except, that is, for one.  The girl who had cut in line,Vriska Serket, was bored and needed something to occupy her time.  Her phone had just died, so she’d taken to eavesdropping, and the couple that had let her cut seemed to be having a lover’s quarrel, and it seemed to be about her.  

“Stop talking about my dangle,” the boy hissed.  Oh, that was adorable.

“She is really pretty,” the girl said.  “You should ask her out actually!”

She grinned, showing her unnaturally sharp teeth.  She loved being beautiful.  She’d never been a homewrecker before, but it might be fun to give it a shot.

“No, we just met her, that’s kind of weird, we don’t even know her name!” the boy argued.  

Oh?  That was new.  Were these guys...swingers????????  Now Vriska was even more intrigued.

“Well John,” the girl said, cracking her knuckles loudly, tone going flirtatious, “If you don’t then I will!”

Vriska’s eyes went wide.  Hellllllll yessssssss, she thought, they’re polyamorous and looking for a new partner.  She’d gotten a good look at them; the girl had crazy curves, and the boy’s dorky exterior hid a fine physique.  Plus she loved light skin and glasses on boys.  She pivoted on her heel, and shot the pair an evil grin; they seemed startled.  “Here’s my number,” she said, giving them each a card.  “Call me after the movie, I’m plenty game if you’re still interested.”  Her wink was phenomenally dirty.

  *********

  The movie was great, at least in both of their opinions.  Afterwards, they went to eat at a little burger joint across the street from the theater.  It was now late in the evening; the sun had already set, but a smear of pink was visible over the rooftops, and only the brightest of stars were visible.  

“I’ll have the triple lamburger, medium rare, with extra bacon,” said Aradia, scanning the menu quickly, “and the biggest serving of fries?  Double it, and give me one of those.  Ooh, and one of those little cherry pies too!” She turned to John enthusiastically.  “What about you?  I’ll pay!”

“Umm, I will just have whatever falls off your plate,” he snickered.  

She blew a loud raspberry at him.  “There isn’t going to be anything left,” she warned.  John saw the look in her eyes; she was dead serious.

“Fish and chips,” he said with a sigh.

John watched Aradia eat; she was done faster than he was, and leaned back in her chair contentedly.  

“I was really sick when I was thirteen,” she explained, “It shriveled my sense of taste and almost killed me.  When I finally got better and could actually taste food, again I realized it was a precious gift.”  

Before John could really process that, Aradia pointed at him with a toothpick in accusation.

“You want to call that girl from the line earlier?” she asked.

“Um, not really,” he said.  “I’m pretty sure she thought we wanted a threesome.”

“Not a bad idea,” Aradia said, wiggling her eyebrows so they looked like little caterpillars at a rave, dancing their tiny hearts out.  

“Whatever,” John scoffed, smiling deviously, “Mostly she wanted me though, obviously.  You were just incidental to the threesome.”

Aradia rolled her eyes at him.  “You couldn’t be more wrong!  Vriska wanted me more!”

“I’m way hotter than you are!” John retorted.

“No, I am!”

“My butt alone is way hotter than you are!”

“Prove it!”

John stood up, looked her dead in the eye, and began fumbling with his belt-buckle.  Aradia threw napkins at him until he sat back down again, giggling.

“I have a better idea,” Aradia said after a short while.  “Let’s make a bet!”

“What kind of bet?”

“I bet that I can get more phone numbers than you can in 24 hours, starting tomorrow at sunrise,” Aradia grinned as she spoke, eyes taking on a manic gleam.

“What does the loser have to do?” John asked with a smirk.

“The loser will forever be known as the ugly, undatable friend,” Aradia said with grim finality, “and will have to refer to the winner as either senpai or her imperial sexiness.”

“Deal,” John said, extending his hand, “and just for the record, it will be his imperial sexiness."

They shook hands.  The game had begun.  Somewhere in the world, Dave Strider felt the need to pose like a team with himself, because shit just got real.

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Chapter 2: The Scarlet AA    

       Notes:

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   Chapter Text

It was a widely known fact that Aradia was competitive and that she planned to win, and she planned to have fun whilst doing it too.

Her alarm was set at 7am and an extra half an hour was put into making sure she looked her absolute best, although in the end she didn’t look much different than was usual.  Her outfit consisted of a burgundy t-shirt that shamelessly showed off her cleavage and a long grey skirt that hugged her hips enticingly.  More importantly there was just a tiny hint of something done with her makeup, a little touch here and there that subtly indicated a small amount of effort had gone into her normally effortless good looks.  A bit of smokiness around the eyes, a slight teasing to her curls, and voila, she was ready to win hearts.

As soon as she was done, she packed a bag of things necessary for her day and made her way to the nearest cafeteria for a Sunday breakfast. It wasn’t something she did often, but today she had to get as many numbers as possible, and that meant she’d have to get out and get her social on.

When she got there, Aradia went in line and spent a few moments deciding what she’d be having before noticing the guy in front of her.

He was in a wheelchair, which was obviously the first thing she noticed about him, but he looked to be her own age. His skin was but a few shades darker than her own, his hair was a dark mess of a mohawk and from what Aradia could see, he was very, very, cute, like a puppy who thinks it might never be a grown dog.  It warmed her heart.

Well hello, cellphone-number number one.

She tapped him lightly on the shoulder, to which he flinched slightly and turned to face her, and oh was he cute... Hot damn.

His eyes flicked up nervously at her, then away, then back, then away again, and Aradia gave him a large, warm, friendly, if slightly flirtatious, smile to let him know that she meant well.

“Hello!” she greeted, extending her hand so he could shake it. “The name’s Aradia!”

He stared at her, unsure of how to respond, before coming to his senses and replying with a slightly shaky “Uh, hi, I’m Tavros,” and greeting her soft hand with his.

“So,” she asked, the two of them moving forward with the line, “Are you here alone, or were you planning on meeting anyone?”

“Alone,” he answered, “why?”

“You’re cute, and I’m interested,” she put simply, “Are you?”

Tavros’s eyes went wide. “Really?! Uh... I mean, yes! Yeah! Sure...” he stammered.

Aradia gave him her signature wink and the two of them ordered and found a table, making small talk and eating their meals.

After a while, Aradia decided that while cute, he was not her type. Tavros was lacking in real self confidence, seeming painfully aware of even the slightest of his movements, every twitch of his face shouting to the world his concern over his perceived inadequacy. Aradia would like to be this boy’s friend and help him toughen up a bit, but she didn’t think she wanted to date him anytime soon. Nonetheless, walking away without a number would make the entire morning unproductive and time-wasting.

She glanced at her watch and realised she needed to scram as soon as possible if she planned on getting as many numbers as she needed.

“So, Tav,” Aradia purred, leaning across the table and closer into his personal space, “You see, I need to get going, but I’d hate to never see you again. Do you have a number I could have?”

A not-so-faint blush coloured his cheeks; in fact it would be fair to say that his whole upper face turned a sort of chocolatey red. He nodded enthusiastically.

Aradia smiled, taking out a small notepad and pen, and then handed it to Tavros. “Fantastic! Just write your name and number there and I’ll contact you when I can!”

He practically attacked the pad with that pen, slashing his number onto it as if it had wronged him, and Aradia left the cafe without another word.

The next number Aradia planned to get was from someone she barely knew, and didn’t really like, but she knew he already had a massive thing for her, making him an easy target; Equius Zahhak, the sweaty dude who worked at the local gym she went to.

One quick stroll late and, she was there. As hoped, so was he.

“Hey, Equius!” she waved, and he appeared in front of her in record time.

“Aradia! Hello,” he rumbled, slightly out of breath, “What are you doing here?”

Aradia raised an eyebrow in a joking manner. “I planned to do some quick exercise, unless you had a better idea in mind.”

Equius’s mouth gaped open at her flirty comment. “Oh, uh, yes, of course... Exercise...”

Aradia smirked and dropped her stuff on the ground.  “Would you like to help me stretch, or should I get changed into my gym clothes first?”

*********

The next hour or so was spent making Equius sweat, using a few select “lood” positions and comments.  Of course, the boy was already in so deep that he barely needed it; just a touch here and a dirty joke there, and he was putty in her hands; sweaty, sweaty putty.

Aradia left him a bit for a quick shower and to change back from her gym clothes (normally she’d just wear sweats and a tanktop, but today she had a new, silvery-grey sports bra).  As soon as she was done, she went back to Equius who was predictably, blatantly waiting outside the girl’s changing room for her.

“How was your shower?” he breathed. It was actually kinda creepy, but Aradia rolled with it because it was convenient.

“It was great, thanks for asking. It was a pity you couldn’t join, actually...”

His eyes widened behind his cracked shades as he used the already drenched towel around his neck to try and wipe away some fresh sweat from his forehead.

“So, if you could just write your number and name here...” Aradia said, handing him the same notepad but on a different page. He gladly did as such, although he ending up breaking the pen before he could finish, ruining the page with a spurt of ink.  Aradia sighed and fished another pen out of her purse, and when he was done she took back the pen and paper, gave him double pistols, and half skipped out the door.

The next place she decided to visit was a nearby beach and before she knew it she was already hitting up yet another person; this time it was a pretty girl in a black tank top and a colourful skirt with equally colorful jewellery. Her name was Feferi, and she apparently went outside often, judging from her tan.

Things actually moved pretty fast with her and one thing led to another and after barely half an hour of knowing each other, the two girls were making out on the sand. A dirty idea came to Aradia’s mind and as Fef was busy on Aradia’s lips, Aradia swiftly brought out her phone and captured a picture worth a thousand words, and sent it to John with nothing but a “;)”.

For some reason, though, Aradia felt sort of guilty afterwards, but she brushed it off and decided to spend some more time getting to know this Feferi girl.

     Notes:

2ni: *psst* arafef is amazing it’s such a shame I was so brief with her bit

mittens: Aradia being a pimp, nuff said. (Actually we had no idea what to actually do with Arafef except as a vehicle to move the plot along like the cold unthinking shippers that we are) glad to see 2ni and I have a reasonably similar writing style and headcanons, or this would be hard and impossible!

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Chapter 3: The Gloves Come Off and So Does the Shirt    

       Notes:

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   Chapter Text

“The contents of this text message are highly disturbing,” Rose drawled, a slight smirk twisting her mouth indicating that she did not find them disturbing whatsoever.

“Can you give me the phone back?” John asked, his face reddening just slightly more.

“In a minute,” Rose said, just a bit hastily, trying not to stare.

John, unlike Aradia, was not an early riser.  He’d gotten up out of bed around ten, to meet his childhood friend Rose for brunch, a very WASPy thing that she did only half ironically.  On the way there, he’d received a text from Aradia that chilled him to the core; a selfie of the woolly-haired girl having a very steamy makeout with a curvaceous swimmer down at the beach.

John groaned, removing his glasses and face-palming.  “That girl is her third phone number! I hadn’t even woken up by the time she had three similar encounters.  Can you even imagine it!?  Aradia, making out with three women in the space of a few hours!  And just look at her; Aradia is fucking hot!  Stands to reason that Aradia can just like, pick out any girl she wants and just, fuckin, snap her fingers and suddenly makeouts!  I mean look at that girl in the picture, she’s fine as hell!  Imagine Aradia making out with three of them, it’s maddening!”  He groaned hard enough to make his throat taste salty and slammed his fists down on either side of his waffle stack.

Rose meanwhile had gone from a tiny smirk to a huge smile by the end of John’s spiel, and her pale cheeks had gone a very light pink.  “John I may pass out from the vapors if you keep talking like that, and also I am going to forward this to my own phone.”  John nodded, rolling his eyes, while she tapped a few keys and sent the steamy image off.

“It seems to me John,” she said, straightening her posture, “that the only way to beat her is to fight fire with fire.  Get aggressive.  She showed off her prowess early in the day, now you need to show off yours.”  She gave him a devilish grin.  John squinted at her.

Then she reached across the table, seized him by the lapels, and dragged him over the waffles towards her.  He let out a slight “eep” just before she smashed her black painted lips against his.  They were very soft and he might have enjoyed it if she hadn’t bumped her teeth against his.  She gave his lower lip a little bit of nibbling, and he did enjoy that.  Then the familiar sound of his camera phone snapping a pic snapped him out of it and he broke away.

Rose withdrew, her lipstick smudged, and typed up a quick message.  “The gloves are off Megido,” she narrated, “You don’t intimidate me and I’ll have you know that all things being equal, gentlemen prefer blondes.  Even if you best me in our contest, the only one who will truly have killed me is the even prettier blonde I’ll have betwixt the bedsheets later tonight, and I mean that in the renaissance sense of the word, which is to say orgasm.  Winky face.  Heart. XOXO.  Send.”

John stared, mouth agape.  “That sounds nothing like me,” he finally muttered, wiping the smears of black lipstick off his face.

Rose ignored him.  “Oh that last comment; could you mind going out with my sister tonight?”

John coughed.  “Roxy!?”  He remembered having a crush on the girl growing up, and she still made him nervous.

“The only sister I have,” Rose said, stealing a piece of slightly crushed waffle off his plate.  “It’ll definitely lend your little game some credibility, and if nothing else, you’ll have a pleasant date.”  She winked.  “Time changes people.  You’ve gone from a skinny geek to handsome, muscular geek, and Roxy has been thinking about you differently for a while now.  So what about it?”

John swallowed hard, and nodded.  He was a bit overwhelmed, but more importantly, he was thinking.  Sisters.  Muscular.  Prowess.

“I think I’ll take Roxy on that date tonight,” John said, furrowing his brow, an evil grin on his face.  “But first I’m gonna call Jade!  You’ve shown me the way!”  He pointed at Rose, “and now Jade is going to win me this competition!”

Rose squinted at him for a full minute.  “I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable earlier, now please stop making me uncomfortable,” she said.

John snickered.  “I’m not gonna make out with my sister you dizzy broad!”

Rose let out a sigh of relief.  “Then what’s the plan?”

  *********

  Jade stood on John’s campus in her cutest sundress and a white cloche with a green band around it.  She was gazing up at a tall aspen tree next to the science building, its leaves just starting to turn, despondently holding on to a limp length of cotton string.  Her eyes were watery, her lip quivering.  Amidst the green and gold foliage, a diamond of bloody crimson embossed with the SkaiaNet Labs logo sat entangled in the branches.  She began to cry.  “Wont someone please help me!?” she called, cupping her hands to her mouth.  “Please! Anyone!”

Jade, being adorable, instantly attracted a crowd.  But John cut right through it with a confident stride.  “What’s the problem Miss?” he declaimed in a loud, manly voice, back straight, hands on his hips like Superman.  Dad Egbert’s lessons in manliness were finally paying off.

“My kite!” she said, finally bursting completely into tears.  The word “kite” was extended by about sixteen syllables, half of which were either “boo” or “hoo”, and by the end she was just pointing at the tree.

Jade collapsed against John’s chest and she patted her back, shushing her comfortingly.  “Don’t worry little girl,” he said.  They were almost the same height.  “I’ll get down your kite if it’s the last thing I do!”

John let her go and strode forward, like David may have strode towards Goliath.  He took three steps, and then ripped his shirt.  This was not hyperbole.  He did not merely take it off violently with a ripping motion.  He tore the thing clean in half. And threw the fabric bits to the floor.  The crowd gasped.  To say that, underneath his overly baggy outerwear, John Egbert was some kind of marble statue of a particularly sexy deity would be an understatement.  The boy was fucking beautiful.  He stood upon the line between bara and bishonen, and laughed a hearty, Egbertian laugh, making a nonsense of such classifications.

John charged the mighty aspen like a Viking charging his enemy, then grasped the slender white trunk like a man tenderly grasping his lover, and squirreled up the smooth, branchless bark like a particularly short man ascending his lover.

The tree was just a few feet shy of three stories, and John felt a slight touch of vertigo once he reached the leafy crown.  He realized that he could simply have climbed to the roof of the science building and reached out to snatch the kite.  That would have been much less impressive though.

He took the kite, being very careful not to get the tail entangled in the branches, because he didn’t think he’d be able to untangle it with just one hand.  There was a moment when it seemed to snag on a twig, but then the twig pulled free and tumbled to the ground.  John steeled himself and scurried down the tree as quickly as he’d gone up.

Jade rushed over, face glowing.  Thank you, you kind, handsome gorgeous man!”  She leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek, and whispered, “John you owe me so hard for this shit, I can never go to this school now because they’ll think I’m some insipid blob.”

John laughed a full manly belly laugh.  “No problem kid, I’m just that great a guy!  Now run along home!” Under his breath he muttered, “I know a professor over at Humboldt who owes me a few favors; he can help you get into any school in the country, now give everyone your most winning smile and skip away.”

Jade rolled her eyes, and then in an instant, her face transformed, becoming silly, girlish and vapid, a tiny pink flush just under her eyes.  She skipped off, singing a sparkling “la-la-la~!”

The crowd started to disperse, but John felt that there were a lot of eyes on him.  He felt a hand rub his bicep, and a slight chill traveled up from the touch and into his spine.  “Can I help you?” he asked, turning to face the interloper.

“Hey hot stuff,” said a greasy, slimy voice.  Cronus Ampora stood there, groping John, wiggling his eyebrows crazily, puffing a cigarette.  “Can I get your number?”

“Back off bitchtroll,” said a husky, feminine voice groping John from the other side.  John turned only to get a puff of tobacco smoke in his face.  When the haze cleared, making his eyes sting, he saw a girl who reminded him of Aradia, if Aradia were a crazy-eyed girl in a red sailor fuku.  

“He belongs to me, I claim him.”

John chuckled trying to maintain his composure.  In a loud voice he called out, “both of you please, there’s enough of me for everyone!”

       Notes:

mittens: now you can argue that the difference between this chapter and the previous one is largely in our two different narrative styles, but in actual fact I am the one who wrote the entire outline for this fic!  I just thought to myself, John is not smooth.  He can be romantic, and he is certainly not a complete goddamn idiot to the opposite sex, but he isn’t smooth.  Dad Egbert probably taught him, but John ignored his lessons, just like every other valuable, manly lesson the man taught him. Oh, and when it comes to families; John and Jade are siblings.  Their dad is Dad Egbert, and their grandpa is Grandpa Harley.  They probably have spouses of some kind. Damara is Aradia’s long lost half sister by a Japanese mother.  She is in the states looking for her biological dad so she can kill him in revenge for abandoning her. The Strilondes are a huge, aristocratic, extended family from The Old Country who are a bit inbred a few generations back, leading to the prevalence of albinism and other mutations in their line.  Mutations like flash-stepping, psychic powers, and being able to hear the elder gods whispering behind the walls of the world.  Rose, Roxy, and Dave were raised together as sibling despite being cousins, by a staff of martial arts masters and musicians led by Dirk (including Squarewave and Sawtooth).  Dave lost his parents at the same time as his twin brother Dave 2...or did he?! Bluh headcanonspolsion.

2ni: I would most certainly be lying if I said that wasn’t the most beautiful thing I had ever read :’)

                   Notes:

2ni:   1) This ship needs so many more shippers oh my god 2) I’m sorry I haven’t upd9ed my last fanfiction; I wrote a chapter on my phone but it got deleted so now i am in tears 3) Pls comment. 4) Tumblr is either Christmaseridan or homestfuck (*wonk*) 9) :o)