For anyone unfamiliar with the term, an aphant is someone who has aphantasia, or someone with a blind mind’s eye.

What the eff does that even mean, you ask? Well, let me explain:

If you ask a person with aphantasia to close their eyes and picture an apple…they see…NOTHING. That’s right…nothing…just darkness. Not even a faint outline of an apple. Just a blank screen.

When I realized I had aphantasia, I was shocked, bewildered, and quite upset. As someone who always considered themselves one with a rich imagination and the ability to daydream the day away, it was quite Earth-shattering to realize that my daydreams are NOT the same as 96%-99% of others on Earth?!?

I felt completely ripped off!

Aphantasia affects 1%-4% of the WORLD’s population! That’s it! (Though I think it is probably higher, because if people are like me, they aren’t aware of it…)

You see, when most people “count sheep” to try and sleep…they actually close their eyes and see SHEEP! …or…at least some version of sheep. Sometimes the scene is very faint, just vague shapes, others see black and white, or just outlines…yet still others, (like my husband…the lucky SOB) see a technicolor movie of sheep jumping fences that he can manipulate, adding a saddle with a monkey on the back of one, if he wanted to.

Me…I. See. Nothing. Darkness. An infinite void…no matter how hard I try.

As an aphant, I don’t have the ability to visualize. Instead , when I had to “visualize” in an exercise at school, or during meditation, I didn’t see anything…I conceptualized…I just, sort of, knew it.

Some aphants describe it like a computer with all the information and memory, but no screen to show it. I guess that is accurate…though it feels cold. I can daydream for hours without seeing a single picture in my head. Though most of my daydreams are more about the feelings and inner thoughts of the stars of the daydream.

Which makes sense to me, because when I write, the scenery and exterior atmosphere is second to the emotional noises going on in the hero, heroine, villain, or villainess’ heads…I connect with the character not the environment. I always have to go back and fill that part in later.

Any other aphants relate? Or have your own experience?

The firat painting I ever did was a Venice waterway (black and white with a red gondola) and it wasn’t great, but it wasn’t awul. It was hope that maybe I had some kind talent. Over the years I’ve expanded and tried all kinds of mediums. Last year I was introduced to digital art and got my first Apple pencil.

I fell in love.

Digital art has all mediums at your fingertips.

I know it isn’t the same…but…

There is no clean up or running out of supplies.(my ADHD brain and fibro pain thank me) I can experiment and try new things without fear of ruining hours of work. As an aphant, I need that. I can’t visualize, so if I have an idea, I have to go for it and the result isn’t always what I want. With digital art I can separate the layers, experiment until my heart’s content, and delete what doesn’t work.

It’s great to combat the frustration and depression that life likes to dole out.