And finally, the start of my Lady DĂŹs works! This is merely the prologue; there's an accompanying first section posted with it on Ao3.
Much more to come!! Enjoy!
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Prologue
Betrayal is an awful thing.Â
      The act itself is terrible; to love, and to trust, and then to have it ripped away from you like leaves from a tree too soon gone. But it's not enough to be terrible; it's sickening. It feels as if someone has taken part of you away unjustly, and you were powerless to stop it. It feels like death, and the two are in fact much the same.
     Death was common among the dwarves of the third age of middle earth. They had fought many wars and lost many kin. It was not uncommon to see a dwarrow mourn for her husband, or her father, or her sons, or her brothers. One such mourned now, a lone dwarven lady in a plain stone room of the kingdom of Erebor. This however, was not any mere dwarrow- this was lady DĂŹs, daughter of Thrain, son of Thror. She was the lady of Erebor, the eldest child and only daughter of the king. She was a proud and intelligent dwarrow, strikingly beautiful, with bold raven locks and earthen skin, eyes brighter and bluer and sharper than cut sapphires. She had a silver tongue, and many said that she could enchant any who heard her words. She served many years as the chief diplomat of her people, bringing them peace and lessening their burdens.Â
     But that was in the days of her youth. Now, her eyes sat in hollows. Her breath was torn. Her body was weakened and frail, a shadow of her once bold self. Her hair had greyed nearly overnight, and the dwarven kingdoms agreed (in private gossip, of course) that Lady DĂŹs had died along with her kin, and was cursed to have her body remain on earth to mourn. Betrayal and death are awful, terrible things.They wound as deeply as swords. And similar to sword-cuts, some never heal.Â
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 Grace slept for much of Sunday morning but still woke feeling drained.  She was due to collect Hannah at 3 from Faith but instead called her sister.
 âHeyâ
 âGrace, is that you, you sound awful, are you OK?â
 âNo, no, Iâm âŚâŚ ill. I think Iâve got food poising or something. Listen can you come and get Hannahâs school things and have her a couple more days?â
âNo worries â Iâll see you soon.â
When Faith arrived, she knew straight way that Grace was lying about being ill. Her eyes were still swollen from crying.
 âWanna talk?â
Grace shook her head ânoâ miserably then slumped down on the bottom of her stairs and started to cry again.
âHe wants to have a baby with me!â she sniffed.
âAnd this is a bad thing, why?â
Grace rolled her eyes at her sister as if she were simply the dumbest person on the planet.
âSo youâve conveniently forgotten what Jim and I went through to have Hannah then!â she said accusingly.
âNo, of course not. But why assume the worst? They never found a reason for the miscarriages did they? And you fell for Hannah naturally in the end right?â
âThatâs what he said!â
âWell, itâs true isnât it?â
âI just donât know if I can go there again, you know each month waiting to see if itâs worked or not, the crushing disappointment if Iâm not pregnant, his disappointmentâŚ..â she heaved a shaky breath. âin meâ
âCome on Grace, heâs a grown man, he must know there are no guarantees. Even if he married some young bimbo, she might not be able to give him a child. And it takes two to tango honey, itâs not all down to you, you know?â
Faith sat down next to Grace and hugged her.
âSo am I to assume that you two fought about this yesterday?â
 âNot exactly â he didnât fight. He just let me rant and rave and say unspeakable things to him and then he just went to bed. I didnât mean to hurt him, I just donât know if I can handle it again.â
 âTalk to him, I mean if you simply canât face it, you could adoptâŚ.. youâd do that wouldnât you?â
 âYesâŚ. I just donât know if that would be enough for him.  He lost a baby too you know.â
 âYeah I remember that, and is ex girlfriend died tooâŚâŚâŚ between you, youâve been through the mill huh?â
 Grace nodded and the tears started again.
 âCome on, itâll be OK, just talk to him. Youâll be OK. You love him right?â Grace shook her head  yes âAnd he loves you?â
 âI think so, at least he said he did yesterdayâ
 âSo get him over here and talkâ
 âI canâtâ
 âWhy not?â
 âHeâs flying to Vancouver for re-shootsâ she looked at her watch âAbout nowâŚ. for two weeksâ
 âWell call him, text him, e mail him, use modern technology for heavenâs sake. Donât stew for two weeks. Iâll keep Hannah til Tuesday OK and then youâre just going to have to pull yourself together for her sakeâ
Grace did try to pull herself together and resolved that evening to call him in the morning but thatâs when his note arrived - it didnât exactly seem to her to shout âI still love youâ or âcall meâ.  She sank into further despondency.  His note hadnât finished it but it might as well have from where she stood. His cold tone was obviously preparing the way for him to bow out gracefully before finding himself stuck with her. She was spiralling down rapidly into self pity. One moment she would find herself raging against the fate of her losses and infertility which had left her so scarred and fearful of trying to have more children. The next she was wishing sheâd listened to the warning voices all those weeks ago in Stamford that had said âin any future, heâll want babies and youâre too scared to go there again so back off now while you canâ.  But she hadnât been able to fight the feelings he stirred in her. Feelings and passions sheâd not felt in so long.  It had been so good to be loved, truly loved again and to love him back. Â
Tuesday dawned and she knew she needed to get herself together for Hannah when she collected her from school. Â She called Sandy, hoping that she was in LA and could help her gain some perspective before she lost the plot entirely. Happily Sandy was home and invited Grace over for lunch.
âSo whatâs been going on with you? I havenât heard from either of you in weeks and then Jesseâs daughter told me Keanu has a new girlfriend and showed me your picture in âPeopleâ. So you guys went for it huh?â
âYes - but now I wish Iâd just left well alone. Itâs all turned sourâ Grace began, face betraying the hurt she was feeling. Â She began to explain everything to Sandy.
Like Faith, Sandy tended to think Grace was being overly negative about trying for a baby both in terms of her own low expectations and her assumption that Keanu wouldnât go into it with his eyes open about the risks. But she also said that if it was all too terrifying for her to embark upon again, she was sure he would come to understand and they might explore alternative parenting options. In telling Sandy how the discussion had gone, Grace could see that all sheâd really done was let off steam about her fears without ever really letting Keanu speak to put across his point of view. Â Her stomach turned over as she described the remark about Hannah being a real child as opposed to a dream, recalling the pain in his eyes. It was small wonder heâd not left her an affectionate note! By the time she left to collect Hannah, Grace felt so much more positive and resolved to call Keanu and apologise that evening, hoping heâd at least accept her apology and be willing to talk more when he returned home.
But when she called, the phone was switched off. Â She left a brief message on the voicemail apologising and asking him to call. She realised she didnât know where he was staying so her only other option was e mail of which she knew Keanu was not a fan. He reluctantly used it sometimes but she didnât even know if heâd taken his laptop with him and he wasnât the type to go to an internet cafĂŠ, thatâs for sure. She sent him the briefest of notes and crossed her fingers that he would be in touch before too long.
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So⌠School. It is probably the biggest source of my problems and why Iâm not enjoying life. Donât get me wrong, I love to learn and I love most of my teachers but I hate how the education system thinks learning should be.Â
We should have some required classes that have to be taken before graduation just to make sure we all have about the same rounded knowledge, but it should never keep us from doing the things weâre interested in. High School is the time for students to learn about what the real world is like and do the things we love to do. If you expect us to go to college already knowing what we would like to major in without letting us explore then fine, but donât expect anything good to come out of it.
Itâs kind of a universal thing that our schools want us to have a full class schedule, take as many honors/AP classes as possible, maybe even concurrent enrollment at a nearby college, play on a school sports team, have extracurricular activities, be in clubs, go home after 10 hours of school to do more school, eat a full meal, have a job, sleep for 8 hours, hang out with friends and start the day again. Itâs not possible and we all know that. School should be a time to learn about the things that you want to learn about, build a love for learning, exploring new things about the world and others, and it should be fun.Â
Never in my life did I think that school would be the source of my problems. That I would dread going to school because I didnât have time to study for a test, or that I didnât finish all of my homework, or that people will make fun of me. Never did I think that I would fight with my parents everyday because school was stressing me out so much. That I would cry myself to sleep every night but put on a brave the next morning. That I would have anxiety attacks or emotional breakdowns every day because I canât handle the stress. That I would have physical joint stress that has taken me to the doctor a numerous amount of time because of how bad my stress or anxiety can be. Never in my life did I imagine that I would no longer care about school and that I would hate it.
It makes me feel unworthy, stupid, and so many negative things about myself, and I know itâs wrong but what can I do. Iâm just a kid in their eyes, well, at least until I graduate in May.Â
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This is my last cigarette. I'll clean tomorrow. I'll remember that. No more procrastinating. No more carbs. No more sugar. No more trans fats. I've set goals for myself before and they've all worked out about as well as an addict in an abandoned pharmacy. But I've found that, for me at least, with spontaneity, comes success. If I don't plan it too much and don't say it just to console myself with the sound of saying it then it'll happen. I truly want to go to college. Because it actually does affect the" down the road" that I like to avoid. And I sincerely don't want to be that way anymore. I'm going to community college, not as a choice, but because my past ones have made it a necessity. That may not be the ideal way to go but it's how it is. This is not a goal. This is acknowledging that I'm going to throw myself into it and see what happens. No bad ever came from trying, I suppose. And I can try.
