#anotherbreakup

I’ve been seeing Graphic Designer for a little over two months now, a month in I agreed to be his girlfriend and now I seriously regret it. About a week ago, I kind of lost interest in the relationship. My internship is ramping up in intensity and I don’t have the emotional energy to invest in the relationship and also take care of myself. I’m snapping a lot, crying a lot, and just feeling very self-conscious.

 I’m home visiting for a week and I don’t want to talk to him, I’m annoyed when he texts. I feel bad because he didn’t do anything wrong. I just don’t feel it anymore. Part of it is becoming more aware of certain things that divide us and make us different, some of it is recognizing things I didn’t think were deal breakers and I’m finding they are. 

I think that when I first came out of my last relationship I wasn’t ready to be alone and I think, at least for now, I am. I just want to focus on getting through this year, learning as much as i can and getting back home. 

So this is what comes down to it. I’m sitting here again, alone and sad and stoned. 

But mad. Like really fucking mad. Funny mad AND just straight up no good emotional attachment. No good correlation what so ever. 

I didn’t get the text in the morning. You can all see where this is going. Now my mind is spinning at mach speeds and I am seriously panicking a little bit inside. I’m trying to play it cool with everyone at work, like nothing’s wrong. I don’t know man. I just feel like I know these situations a little too well. You might think I’m trippin’. I mean, I might be? I don’t want to give away the obvious spoiler. 

Forreal brah? You gon’ just do that? How can you be so sweet and then just disappear? Either you really do have a dark side or you’re intentionally ignoring me. Or did your brother say something to you? He did, didn’t he? Fucking Christ. 

And what bothers me the most is that I’m THIS MAD about it! Actually no, I haven’t even really gotten to the main part. I can’t even focus right now but I feel like I need to get this off my chest. I just let things get to me too easily? I just...really thought he was something special. I know most women like “manly men” or whatever, but it really is an experience to be with someone that was THAT romantic. Someone that was that into you for everything but sex. Even though I know he would’ve wanted to fairly quickly. Ha I mean, I don’t think I would’ve said no but if he tried to the first night then helllll yeahhhhhhh!

Anyways, ha, pretty stoned, listening to like badass Mexican metal acoustic guitar shit. It always sneaks up on me man. 0-100 in the blink of an eye and wowwwww I’m THAT lifted off the ground. Jeez.

I sit through traffic, constantly checking my phone for a text from him. Nothing. Nothing at all. Now at this point, I’m pretty sad. We had just talked about how rude it was to not text people back after a certain amount of time. 

I fucking eat dinner with my family, right? Dinner that I didn’t even want to eat. I was just so stuck on it. Why hasn’t he said anything? Did I do something? Say something? Was it because I texted him a goodnight video of me just saying goodnight and I can’t wait to see him tomorrow? Did his parents say something to him? I’m almost sure his brother said something. I fucking hate him even more. 

And here comes 8:14PM. ‘Ding’ 

“Hey sorry I’ve been kind of busy today. Tomorrow my family’s having some hockey thing at our house so I gotta hang with them for the evening.” “It’s okay.”

Oh really?! You were really THAT busy that you didn’t have time to fucking check your phone once? I fucking hate when people say some shit like that to me. At this point, I’m like “Oooooohhhh I wish you were saying that to my face right now.” I’m just fucking mad I’m actually crying. 

And here comes 9:12PM. ‘Ding’

“I’m sorry but I just sorta came to some realizations that affect more than the two of us. Honestly? I get a little weird when I sense that the girl I’m interested in is a needy individual. I can’t be with someone that needs me like that. I’m just not ready for that and I’m not going to make the same mistake twice. And also I’m sorry because I don’t think I will ever get over the fact that you were with my brother. It sucks but it’s how I feel and I can’t really help it.” “Okay sorry.”

I just sink my head into my hands and start crying. It really was sad knowing I wouldn’t get those Kalan kisses again. He was SO fucking sweet. And he was funny! I actually appreciated his company. I know you’re not supposed to “fall so fast” but sometimes, it just happens. I don’t know, that sounds like an excuse and I’m not trying to make one for myself. I just wish I had a simulator to accurately describe this because I don’t think I’m doing a very good job at the moment. But yeah, I’m just completely devastated. Like a high school boyfriend broke up with me before first block. So the whole day my face looks like shit, in addition to feeling like shit. 

So what do I do? Well first, let’s do what I know makes it easier. Immature or whatever you want to call it but I just unfollow him and his brother and delete both their numbers from my phone. 

If I really don’t ever hear back from him, ugh. I don’t know man. i almost can’t even bear to think about it anymore. I kind of just want to lay down and try to tone it down a little. It’s exhausting being this uncertain, angry, sad, and foolish. Ha, I need to get better at avoiding the traps I make for myself. 

But fuck it, I guess right? In theory, I don’t have to be lonely if I don’t want to be. 

So, let me be a total hypocrite and go through my inbox and see who last texted me and who did/didn’t get a reply. Oh, hey Jonah. 

“Ayy” was the last thing said to me, about 2 weeks ago. Eh, I kind of have to. He has so many of my nudes. 

“Hey you.”  “How you been?” “Eh, getting by. How about you?” “I’m doing good. Work’s chill and still at the house jammin’ around.” “That’s awesome man.” “Yeah. Random question but ha, I’m pretty sure I saw you a few times in a car. Had to do some work over in the west.” “Oh. You sure?” “I mean I don’t know haha I just 1, didn’t know if that was you and 2, if that was you, then I just didn’t know you did that stuff.”  “Yeah...it’s good in the worst way, you know?” “I get it. You okay now?” “Kind of? I get my shit done.” “He got you into it, didn’t he? The dude with the glasses in the driver’s seat?” “OMG that was me :[ I’m kind of embarrassed I’m sorry if this isn’t cool.”

I’m like, fucking trembling. Like, legit trembling. My hands are shaking so hard right now. I’m having to have this awkward conversation while still thinking about Kalan “dumping me.” 

“Haha it’s alright you don’t gotta explain yourself to me. Just be safe and responsible, you know?”  “Ugh, yeah. I mean, I have no choice right now you know? I actually don’t have anymore and don’t really feel that comfortable going up there by myself.” “I wouldn’t either. But I would like to see you soon ;]” “Yeah man. That’d be pretttyyy dope. What are you doing this weekend?” “I’m actually off at 2 on Saturday. I don’t think I have anything going on that night. I need to get a hotel room though because I’m trying to smack the shit out of you.”

*Heart eyes emoji* x10

“I’ll check to make sure the band doesn’t have any shows this weekend and let you know. Look stuff up maybe in the suburbs. It’ll be cheaper and parking won’t be an issue.” “Alright yeah just let me know. I’ll look stuff up tomorrow while I’m at work.”

Let’s address it now. To whoever and to myself. 

Reading this back makes sense but it’s easier later to see the madness. THEN it makes much more sense. Easy to see the fool. I always say I’ll learn from this one or that one. It’s becoming more apparent that I’m not learning as much as I thought I was learning. Well, maybe I am? But I’m not acting right. I think that’s it. 

But I mean, I guess to Kalan I can say thanks for the kisses and the honesty. 

...and the thrill. 

Emotionally draining man. Seriously. Sometimes I think it was easier when I was taking Seroquel. I had no emotion. It was easier to endure everything when everything and everyone were equal. Ha, how you like that alliteration? #educated

There’s a grey area in dating many people get hung up on — a grey area where feelings are ambiguous or one person has stronger…

I've seen this posted a few times now, and I felt the need to share it. Honestly, I just ended a relationship. Yesterday, though it actually was probably already over in reality. I just didn't get the memo.  The one that explained that my now ex-beloved wasn't really willing to do **** for me. That he'd happily accept all my sacrifices and compromises, but wouldn't lift a god damned finger for me. He'd watch me bend and damn near break, but never make a move to ease my burden.  At the end of the day, I didn't mean enough to him for him to alter his behaviour. In any way whatsoever.

That's just not good enough for me. It's every person's right to choose how to conduct themselves, and how to live their life.  It's my choice to say that is insufficient. That saying you love me isn't enough, when you barely ever show it. 

I'm coping. I'm surviving the pain of it, but I'm not myself at the moment. I hope it doesn't take me very long to get back to myself. I hope I'm not as emotionally bruised as I have been before. In some ways, I'm the best off I've ever been after a break up. It was entirely mutual. It was civil. I cried a ton, but most of those tears didn't make it down my cheeks, but rather existed on the precipice; ready to fall, but unable to make the leap into existence. I guess I'm hoping that I'll be that way again: ready to fall. Whole enough to let myself hope once more that someone will love me the way I'm capable of loving them.