The plane is empty, and it feels foreign. He’s so used to flying with the team. It’s fitting though, the plane being empty considering how empty he feels. His sunglasses lowered over his eyes, they sting a little, his throat tight. Buckling up and nodding quietly through the pilots words, it’s not long before they’re speeding down the runway, and then up in the air. He sits back in his seat, trying hard to keep the tears at bay. What had he done? How the hell had that just happened? Hours previous they’d been snuggling in bed before he wen to meet Karen and then he’d just ended it. Sadness, regret, and anger consume him. How could Jack have done that to him?
He waits until it’s clear to use electronics, uses the time to compose himself. He can’t let this have been for nothing. His head had to be in this to save Morgan. Setting up his iPad, he calls into Garcia, forcing his head in the game.
Six hours in the air, seven hours since he’d seen Jack, and eight hours after he’d gotten the call, he was walking into Quantico. He holds his ID up to the scanner, walking in, and he’s greeted by a familiar feeling. Home. The receptionist as the desk does a double take, smiling. “Agent Hill! Welcome home.”
He thanks her but doesn’t stop to talk, getting on the elevator to go up to the floor they were based on. They open, and he’s greeted by the wall, the wall of lost agents and her face is there. He steps over to it, reaching out, gently pressing his fingers against the metal letters of her name and title.
Supervisory Special Agent Stephanie Danvers.
Lost in service.
He swallows, mind going to Jack, shutting his eyes and blinking back tears. Morgan. Morgan. Gotta save Morgan.
“Spencer!” He turns to see Penelope running toward him as best she can wearing the high heels she wears (surprisingly well). “Hey, Pen,” He says, giving a sad smile, wrapping his arms around her. The anxiety is rolling off of her, he can feel the tension when they hug. She holds on tight for a moment, face buried against him, before letting go and looking up at him. “We have to find him, you-you guys have to find him,” She whispers, voice cracking.
“Hey,” He says softly, hands steadying her. “We will. We’re going to.” She nods, composing herself. “Yes. Yes, ok, come on,” She says, grabbing his hand and leading the way into the bull pen. He drops his bag on JJ’s desk, proceeding with Penelope to the conference room.
“--now been sixteen hours, Savannah is begging for answers. What if we’re running out of time?” Emily is saying softly.
“None of that,” Spencer calls as they step in, everyone looking over. Hotch looked relieved, Spencer knew he always liked having the whole team together. Now they were one man down instead of two. Reid is first to come over and hug him, then everyone else, ending with JJ.
“What’s wrong?” She asks, eyes searching his. Downsides to working with a bunch of profilers.
“Morgan’s missing,” Spencer finally says. “That’s what’s wrong. Now let’s find him.”
Derek Morgan is missing for 48 hours and 43 minutes before they find him, their fevered investigation leading them to a remote cabin in the Virginia countryside. He and Emily lead them in front, the others going around the back. Using all the force he can, he throws his body against the door busting it open, and they burst in. He leads the way in with his gun, clearing the corners, clearing each room until they get to the main living room.
“We’ve got him!” Emily calls out over the radio as the others finish clearing the house. “I’ll cover you, go,” She gasps to Spencer, and he holsters his gun, dropping to his knees at Derek’s side.
“Morgan,” He gasps out, eyes taking in the room. The device used to hold him up, knives, matches. He can smell burning flesh, and when he gently turns Derek over, he knows why. The angry burned skin is oozing, infected, and just looking at him Spencer can tell he’s got a few broken ribs. “Derek, Derek can you hear me?” Spencer asks, lifting his eyelids to get a look at his pupils. They’re both clear and reactive when he uses the flashlight feature on his iPhone to shine light in them. Morgan groans a little, body shifting, and Spencer tries to hold his head steady. “H-iil,” He groans, and Spencer lets out a shuddery laugh, nodding.
“Yes, yea, we’re here, Derek, we’re all here. We’ve got you,” He promises. “Stay still, ok? Don’t move, the ambulance will be here and we’ll get you to the hospital.”
There’s yelling in the distant parts of the house, and they hear gunshots ring out, Morgan’s eyes opening wide, Spencer locking eyes with Emily. “Go,” He tells her, pulling his gun out. She’s about to, but then Hotch gets there, JJ hot on his heels, and Rossi and Reid follow soon after.
“We’re clear,” Hotch says, Emily asking “Who...?”
“One of the bastards,” Rossi mutters. “JJ got him. Two others, one was dead, one was knocked out already.”
They all look at each other for a moment, and then Spencer holsters his weapon again, kneeling at Derek’s side again, fingers pressing against his neck in search of a pulse. It’s there, not as strong as it should be, but it’s there. And he keeps his fingers there, until the ambulance shows up and he can put the collar around his neck, help the paramedics get him on the gurney. “I’m a doctor, I’ll ride with you,” He calls to the paramedics, hurrying to climb into the rig. The team is gathered together, watching as they drive away. He slips into doctor mode, doing more assessment while the EMTs start an IV, and he tells them to go to Georgetown, calling ahead for them to be ready.
Twenty minutes after they arrive at the hospital Savannah and Penelope arrive. Both of them are pale and shaken, looking to him for answers, and he’d grateful tactually have some. Savannah hugs him tightly, in tears, and he holds on until she lets go before hugging Penelope. The team shows up an hour or two later, while they’re still waiting to hear.
A few people he used to work with stop by, hearing he’s there, and it takes a lot to put on a face when he feels like he’s dying inside, and just wanting to hear about Derek’s status.
Finally, a trauma surgeon Spencer knows comes out, shaking his hand and greeting him warmly. “We did surgery to repair some fractures and a punctured lung, he’s all patched up now. Made it through strong and stable, he’s recovering.”
They all see him, he’s barely awake, but he’s there. He’s alive. After several hours of Derek being in and out, Hotch announces they should all go home. “Get some sleep, we can meet back here in the morning.”
He hasn’t slept in three days, and the mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion have started to sink in. They go back to Quanitco, and then separate into their own vehicles. Without anything said he walks with JJ to her car, getting in the passenger side. She starts driving, and once they’re on the highway she glances at him. “What’s wrong.” She says softly, a demand mores than a question.
“I think it’s over. I...it’s over,” He murmurs, the ache in his chest that he’d been able to somewhat ignore since he’d walked out of their house becoming all too apparent now that the danger was over and he was saying it out loud. “With Jack, it-it’s over. He said if I walked out the door it...it was over,” Spencer whispers, throat tight. “And I had to leave, Jayje, I had to come, for Morgan,” He defends.
“It wasn’t fair, for him to do that, to say that, it-it wasn’t fair, I don’t get why he had to be like that,” Spencer says as she pulls into her and Will’s driveway. The lights are on in the living room, he can see the curtain fall back in place.
“It’s scary for them, Spence. Even Will, and he’s a detective,” JJ says softly.
“But Will doesn’t give you ultimatums!” Spencer snaps, his fist slamming against JJ’s dashboard. “He was in the army, Jayje, he-he should get it! But he-he just left me,” Spencer gasps, his voice breaking. He knows he is the one who actually left, but he didn’t have a choice. He’d been stuck, and now he’d lost someone else he loved. “He just left me, everyone just leaves,” Spencer sobs, hunching over, burying his face in his hands. “Steph died, I-I can’t blame her for that, she didn’t have a choice, but he-he just found a way out, and he took it because he knew I’d go, I had to go!”
JJ gets out of the car, going around to the passenger side, and pulls the door opened. “Spencer,” She says softly, putting a hand on his shoulder, and he leans over against her, crying.
“Why does everyone leave me, JJ?” He sobs. “My mom died, my dad never gave a damn, Gavin cheated on me, Stephy died! And now this, now Jack. I-I moved into his house, I moved in with him, we-we were happy, I don’t know why, why does everyone leave me? Why am I not good enough? I love him,” Spencer sobs. “I love him so why can’t I be good enough, why do I just push everyone away?”
Arms around him tight, JJ sighs, hand rubbing his back. She rests her head on top of his and just holds him for a while. “You are good enough, Spence,” She says softly. “You are. Sometimes relationships have hiccups, you know that,” JJ says. “This might not be it. You could go back to Seattle and fix this, he was just scared, Spencer, you got shot during the last experience he had with you going away. Maybe he’s as good as you at talking about his feelings.”
He says nothing, and JJ doesn’t force it, just holds on to him until he calms a little bit. “C’mon, lets go inside, get some sleep. In the morning, I know of an awesome kid that will be extraordinarily happy to see his Uncle Spencer, and a cute baby that will smile and clap at all the excitement. We’ll sleep and then have breakfast with Will and the kids, and go to the hospital. And then you’ll go back, and it will be ok,” She murmurs.
Spencer nods, taking a moment, and then gets out of the car. He grabs both of their bags from the back of JJ’s car, and they head inside. Will is sitting in the kitchen waiting, and he gets up and comes over. “Hey, darlin’,” He murmurs to JJ in his Louisiana accent, kissing her head and hugging her as Spencer puts the bags down. “Spencer, it’s good to see ya,” He says, Spencer taking his hand before they do the stereotypical man hug.
“You too, Will,” Spencer says.
“Are you going to be ok?” JJ asks. “Do you want me to stay with you?”
“No, no, you guys go, go to bed,” Spencer says. “I just need to crash, I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Ok,” JJ says, reaching out and hugging him. “You know where everything is, whatever you need.”
Spencer thanks her, they say goodnight, and he heads upstairs. Once in the guest room, he goes into the bathroom, stripping down and taking a quick shower. Minutes later, under the covers, he stares at his phone, the text conversation with Jack open. The last messages they’d exchanged were Spencer asking what he should pick up for them to cook last night and then I love yous. He types out a few different messages, but sends none of them, before finally tossing it to the side, eventually falling into an exhausted sleep.
The next morning, he’s woken up by Henry running into the room, pouncing onto the bed. “Uncle Spencer, Uncle Spencer, you’re here!” He laughs, rolling over and wrapping Henry up in his arms. “I’m here, I’m here!” He exclaims, picking Henry up upside down and heading out to the kitchen.
“Mom was home when I woke up and she said you were here! You can come to my soccer game this morning!”
“Of course I can!” Spencer exclaims, flipping Henry right side up, JJ and Will laughing. “I wouldn’t dream of missing it!” Putting him down, Henry runs over to the table, where plates of eggs and pancakes are sitting, and Spencer moves in on Michael, in Will’s arms.
“There’s my other nephew,” Spencer coos, lifting the baby into his own arms. “Hi bud, look at you, you’re already so big, huh?”
“He is, already six months old,” JJ sighs. “Coffee?”
“Always,” Spencer nods. “Thanks,” He murmurs when she hands him a mug of the dark liquid. “Uncle Spencer, come sit!”
Smiling, Spencer goes over to sit by Henry, where he usually sat. JJ and Will both come over, and Henry starts talking to Will about soccer. “I miss this,” Spencer murmurs to JJ, holding Michael on his lap, smiling down at him. It was a normal occurrence when he’d lived here. He and Steph would be over all the time, and he had come over even more after Steph had died. “Maybe I should move back.” JJ sighs, looking at him, reaching out to give Michael a little piece of a pancake.
“Spencer, you can’t just do that. You can’t just get scared and run away because Jack did,” She says softly. “Even if it is over with him, you moved there for a reason. I mean, of course I’d love it if you moved back, came back to the team full time, we all would be, but...I don’t think you would be, Spence.”
Spencer’s quiet for a minute, sipping his coffee. “What time is the game?”
“Two,” JJ says. “I’m going to the hospital first, then I’ll meet them there.”
“Ok,” Spencer murmurs, standing, handing Michael to her. “I’ll meet you at the hospital, and then we’ll go to the game together. I gotta do something first,” He tells JJ. “I’ll see you at your game, ok Bud?”
Henry nods, and Spencer heads upstairs, getting dressed. He requests an Uber on his phone, and by the time he gets downstairs it’s waiting.
Twenty minutes later, after a stop by the florist, he gets out at the cemetery. He takes a deep breath, walking the path he has committed to memory, until he sees the dark marble stone.
He lets out a shaky breath, eyes taking in the etched letters on the stone.
Stephanie Daisy Danvers
Beloved daughter, sister & friend
SJH & SDD
It had been her parents’ idea. They’d seen the ring he’d placed on her finger when he’d gone to the morgue, and said at least in stone they could be forever. Stephy would have loved it, Marie had said. It’s what she’d want.
Spencer sinks down to the frozen grass, and gently places the roses on the grass. “H-hey Stephy,” He finally says softly. “I...I miss you. I miss you every day and I...think I always will. But...I’ve met someone. Jack,” Spencer says, sniffing a little. “He’s...amazing. He’s funny and awkward and strong and smart and he doesn’t think I’m annoying or weird. Well, he does, probably, but it’s not a deal breaker,” He laughs a little through tears. “I love him. I really, really love him and I think I struggle a little bit with that because if I can feel this and do this with him so fast, why did it take so long with you?” Spencer asks no one. “And I know, I mean I’m the shrink. I know that it doesn’t lessen anything that you and I had. You...you made this possible. And I know you’re not even really there, I don’t know if you can even hear me, but I know what you would say,” Spencer says, wiping at the tears rolling down his face.
“I should go back. Keep fighting. You told me so many times, over and over that I was worth it, and...I will. I know I should go back.” He swallows, reaching out to rest his hand against the cold stone. “I try to make you proud every day. I know I’d want you to be happy if it had been me, and you must feel the same. I love you, Stephanie,” He says. Bringing his hand to his mouth, he presses a kiss, and then moved it back to the stone, saying softly, “Rest easy, babe.”
“I hear you comin’ here caused some problems with lover boy?”
“No secrets around here,” Spencer remarks, leaning back in his seat next to Morgan’s bed.
“Well I know it was at a personal cost, but I’m glad you came to help. I’m getting married, Hill and...Savannah’s pregnant. I’m gonna be a dad.”
Grinning, Spencer gently pat’s his shoulder, leaning in for a hug. “Congratulations, man,” He says. “That’s amazing. And you know I’ll always be here when you guys need me.”
They talk a while longer, and then the rest of the team comes in for a while, before he and JJ have to head out. “I’m taking a 8 PM flight back to Seattle, so this is goodbye for now,” Spencer says, and there’s a round of goodbyes. It’s always hard leaving, but he has fun with Will, JJ, and Michael, watching Henry’s game. They stop for dinner before they drop him off at the airport, and before he knows it he’s up in he air, heading home, a little unsure if he should be.
