Mar 21, 2018
maybe i won't ever get over you, not completely. because i know for myself, that you will always have a part of me that belongs to you and only you.
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maybe i won't ever get over you, not completely. because i know for myself, that you will always have a part of me that belongs to you and only you.
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HEY, LOOK! ANOTHER SYNLING SATURDAY ENTRY FROM OLDER SISTER!
widdle shadow !!!!
The LORD bless you!!!!
Acts 1:8
✝️🖤❤️🦔
Entry 57, February 27th 2020
I still don't know how to look at my life without seeing an inescapable absence of you. It's an immeasurable tragedy Gran; I will love you for the rest of my life, and you will not be here for any of it.
Becoming Better
I am the girl who used to say profanities.
I am the girl who didn't care about anything.
I'm the girl whom your parents warned you about.
I'm the girl who enjoyed nothing but the pleasure of world.
But when I met you, everything shifted. My whole world tilted to a new perspective. I realized that I should change now or it'll be too late.
You are a religious person. An imperfect creation made by the perfect Allah azza wa jal. You obey the Lord of the Worlds with so much love even if coming to classes an hour after it started. You worry about your qiraat that you want to keep on reciting to reach perfection. Mashaa Allah! Your qiraat is endearing and enough for my heart to beat fast.
Sometimes, standing next to you and befriending you would make me feel inferior because of how big your Iman is compared to mine. Mine is a work in progress. That is the turning point in my life, I choose the right path. I leave my past self behind and face a better light. Change is a slow process. Learn. Grow. Become a better Muslimah.
You know what I dream besides becoming an RPh, travelling the world, and serving my parents? I want to stand behind you when praying. I want you to teach me all the things you learn about our deen. I want to hear your beautiful, imperfect qiraat. But how? When I can't even be next to you because of extreme shame. I feel less and this feeling isn't that bad, it makes you want to be a best amatullah. Best in imaan.
I've heard a lot about "Instead of finding the right man, be the right woman" and I couldn't agree more. I find my heart starting to grow in fonder in Allah (SWT). My mind at peace each time I listen to a beautiful Qur'an recitation. My lips moist with endless dhikr and recitation of the Qur'anul Kareem. My hands raised above to the Creator as I give my duaa. I do these things fiy sabeelillaah. For myself. In attaining Paradise.
And for you.
This change may be slow but I won't stop. I want to become an upright woman. I want to be better in front of the Almighty and infront of you too because at this present moment, I'm still crooked. Still filling myself with goodness which was consumed by voidness in the past.
Inshaa Allah, slowly but surely, I will become a better Muslimah and be a good student at the same time.
You may not know all these things and will never be, I pray to Allah azza wa jal to protect you, ease your pain and may He continue to strengthen your faith in Him. These will be the only things I could do for you. In silence. Without you knowing.
Nevertheless, I'm not asking you from Him. I'm asking for a man with all the qualities you have. And if one day, He'll grant me you. I hope I will be the best version of myself today so you could say, "I was never wrong about you being my ideal woman." Successful in terms of deen and career.
And another thing, please focus and give time to your studies too. Lets be RPh together. Bi'idnillah!
The worst feeling wasn't realizing that throughout our relationship that he was a monster, but that there were some points where he truly did love me (and yes he was bad to me) but I brought some of the evil out of him. There were times where he had given me everything I wanted and I had my soulmate at my side, and I took pieces of our souls intertwined and crushed those pieces in my hands. I had become a succubus, lost in our love. And there was no getting back what I had destroyed. All we could do now was look forward with the pain and hate each other for what we had done. The abused had become the abuser, and our hearts will be bruised for some time. But I hope you learned the lessons I had, because it is the only thing that made our end all worth while.
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Just Stop Right There.
“Try not to fall,” one of my friends said. Yes, I know it’s not impossible but can I help it? No. It’s hard to do so but there’s always a solution called ‘abstinence’. I’ve been doing it for almost two years now and so far, it never failed me.
I know this is just a crush and it’s part of growing up so it doesn’t really matter that much. But I can never lose the habit of caring too much for someone whom I like. It’s something I’ve been used to and been doing for a long time. I used to be a straightforward kind of person who confesses right away but then I realized that some things are just better to be kept unsaid.
So I’d stop right there. I’d stop when I get to the boundary and end of the line.
XX
C.C, 8th of September 2012
Smile!
I had my braces today!
My wish is to spare the details and end with this one bold sentence, yet I never wanted to waste barren thoughts unwritten. The words from my younger neighbor took the lines right out of me as he says : "This has been my long time dream -- to get braced". His voice echoed through my ear that afternoon and by his simple honesty, I was dumbstruck to him. I guess I have underestimated his naive perspective. Then again, who are we to judge?
For us, who are chained by claims of a bad, unhealthy teeth: Braces would exactly be the light in our pursuit. As we/I catch the same niche that every ad aired on television; perfect teeth. So here I am, the proud sexy-gap mademoiselle has finally raised a white flag drawn by the media, has braced her teeth to lose the gaps. A part of me wishes that the central gaps would not need to be compromised but the package forbids it, it will only cost much confusion not only base from the payment, as well as, to the dentist itself. I am just hoping things go out well for my braces. My mom costs a lot for this one and I had to give back what she expects back from me.
OHH MY GOD
Dear journal,
I went to Lizzy's house to spend to the night. It was fun! I also found out Lizzy likes Ben my brother ben!! Yuck! I'm running for sudent cousil and Haley Kelli stole my saying! I said "be a sweetie vote 4 katie and hers says "e a sweetie vote 4 Haley Kelli! I hate her I wish that when I went to the bathroom I had a camera and to pictures of her private and butt and show them to everyone! No one would vote 4 her!
October 10, 2005
10 1/2
oh my god