#anonsecrets

A long coat? To cover my ripped jeans? Heh. That’s how I make off with your flannel... tied around my waste. 😉

Poor guy is completely flustered. Honestly, so am I. I distract myself by flipping open and closed a beautiful butterfly. I realize it’s suddenly quiet and look up to see you both watching me. He clears his throat and walks away. I don’t think I could tear away from the look in yours eyes if the store was crashing down on us.

You asked for secrets. Here’s one of my biggest :: I want to be in a poly relationship with two bi men.

Hmmm - that was supposed to be -waist-. And yes, I have plans for my new blade and you. I’ll be nice to the flannel though.

We’re mutuals, Trojan. So yes, consent was given. But big heart eyes to you for putting it in the hashtags and double-checking. And that, boys, is how it’s done.

The snick of the knife, the growl in your voice, even the snip of fabric cutting through one of my favorite bras - it’s all auditory stimulation straight to my... The attendant clears his throat. We both turn to find him beet red and searching for words. He eventually prompts us to make our selections. I go to check out. “Two guesses what he’s going to be doing on his next break,” you whisper in my ear as you press yourself against my ass. I nearly choke. But manage to hand over my cash.

I’ve secretly fantasized about going shopping for knives with you. And what we might get up to after making our purchases...

When we met I was so excited because I thought I'd found my forever friend and as the weeks went by, I started to let my guard down and love you so openly. I connected with you after your first munch to give you guidance and acceptance, help educate you, found you places to find further information, supported you in every way with no judgement or entitlement. Things were great, we were there for each other through thick and thin and even knocked each other back down a peg or two when we were getting too lost in relationships. We even called each other sisters because we felt so close and we new the real person behind the fake smiles and brave fronts we had to display in a lot of our lives. You see, I've struggled greatly with all of my friendships because I love so openly and I do probably come across as intense. I want to understand them, love them for their faults and strengths, and to support in ways that they have never been supported. I am a listener, and what comes with the territory is that most people take advantage of that and the friendship becomes all about them. I have often felt that I get washed away and never really knew how to be my own advocate and speak up for myself. Even now it is still difficult to speak my concerns because of the fear of hurting others. I felt that I would never have that with you because you matched me and I can not begin to describe how exciting and liberating it was initially. As the months went on, you started to slip away. A broken marriage, an affair with a polyamorous man and you struggled with your jealousy, you became very popular on fetlife as a writer. While yes, we would still see each other in person, it began to feel like you were getting free mini therapy sessions from me and then I wouldn't hear from you until the next time you needed that quick session. I tried not to personalize it but it really started to sting and hurt. I hit an emotional wall one day and I was triggered. I read an anonymoussecret about a woman who gives and gives and in times that she needs it back, it never is reciprocated. I also read a writing you had written about a topic I educated you in in the beginning of your kink journey and you came across like you knew it all and were hot shit. Several weeks later, you added two new relationships on your fetlife page. Two new sisters that were your writing buddies. I felt like a hole was punched threw my heart and like I was experiencing a horrible break up where I found out about an affair with two other people. I felt used and like I no longer mattered to you. I began to struggle with a sense of entitlement about our friendship which I know was wrong but I was caught up in the emotions of the moment. I found you and made you and then you pushed me over the edge when bigger and better things came along. I clearly wasn't enough but I know the real you. All those popular people on fetlife that you connect with through your writings don't know the real you. The pain of your failing marriage and constant guilt trips from him to come back to that dysfunction with the promise of him being so much better, dishonesty from your new Dom and the heart ache you felt when after so many attempts of trying to make it work, you knew it couldn't but that didn't make the pain any less. The struggles of raising your children in what feels like you're doing it all by yourself and making daily sacrifices for your family but no one else acknowledges your hard work. Your fear of having to give up kink for the sake of your fucked up living situation with your husband because of his insecurities and how difficult it is to find "the one" who worships and adores you for you and that brings monogamy and structure to your life. They don't know you like I do but they are your sisters and best friends and you can connect with them daily through mutual writings and they fucking give you meaning in your shit situations. I now have to determine if I want to go to the munch and social this week and see you all by myself. It is my group and now I feel like I have to give it up because I don't know how to talk to you about this because I've already lost you. I can cry, pout, scream, hope, dream, pray, fall in a heap and sob it all out but it doesn't mean a damn thing because you're gone. I lost my heart friend, my soul mate friend, my sub sister. I love you so much and don't know what to do. I miss you terribly and wish it could go back to the way it was. I am struggling that my vision of what friendship is isn't out there. I cannot let my walls down ever again. I can't continue to go through this level of heartbreak and feeling used and abused that happens eventually in all my relationships/friendships. It just hurts too damn much.