Jun 17, 2017
I just ran a 5k obstacle mud run and Snapchat filters and a haircut are my only saving grace
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I just ran a 5k obstacle mud run and Snapchat filters and a haircut are my only saving grace
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I can feel the weight
Whatever is bothering me or going to bother me I can feel the weight of it on my chest. I prefer for the feeling to like not... It just makes me wanna not get out of bed. Facing life is hard. But I'm doing it.
Hmmm
After careful consideration, I've come to the conclusion that a more suitable name is out there for me. Although Andrew treated me well for the two or so years that I had it, I believe it's time to choose a more fitting name. Since starting college I've lost and found my way again which has brought me here today. So, if you have a name that you think would fit me, shoot me an ask and tell me why. Or if you feel like Andrew fits me do the same. Thanks lovely followers. I love you all.
Blah blah blah.
Here we go again. Here we go the fuck again. I can feel myself slipping back into my old ways. The depression, the disphoria, the ex. Jesus I thought I was at least past her. But the longer I'm alone and away from her the more I regret not being with her. I know no matter what we'll never be the same but A small part of me wants to try. As for everything else, I knew it was coming. Always does right after the anniversary of mom's death. I'll keep the razors away for now. Happy Whatever the fuck you celebrate.
I hate Christmas.
All I want is cigarettes, weed, alcohol, and to be far away from my collection of razors and my overbearing family. This year sucks and money is so tight. My phone is off and I got $40 bucks. Im grateful for getting anything at all but Jesus this is stupid. This is why I hate Christmas. Fuck being home. I can't wait to leave.
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Oh, okay.
Since no one will actually read this, I'm going to say things that my brain is thinking at the moment. Only because I'm angry and sad and frustrated and I need to get some things off my chest.
I'm hungry. I missed dinner. I missed you a little while ago, then I remembered that you left me and missing you is illogical. But, I still miss you. I miss the way we used to lay in your bed just cuddling and making out. I miss our cute days where we'd just do things as a couple. I miss saying "babe". Then it hits me. I don't have to miss you. I could take you back right now and everything will be better. Nah, it won't be better. It would be putting a tiny bandage on a huge fucking hole. I can't do that. I can't handle the thought of that. I can't handle anything at the moment.
I guess this is the part in my life where I'm at my low again. I'll be here for a wee bit and then I'm right back to normal. I guess what I'm wondering is when that will stop happening. It's either going to stop because I'm just happy all the time or I'm going to break my sanity in half and be a mess all the time... Wait... I'm a mess all the time now. Maybe I broke already.
Ugh. I hate being alone this time of year. I sink into my head and my thoughts drown me. This is around the time where I realize that my mom's dead, my dad's clueless which makes him an asshole, my family is falling apart, and I have no control over any of it. I have no one to distract me or lean on for the support I need. The support of someone more than a friend. Someone that I've connected with on a deeper level. Someone who only wants me to be happy and make sure I achieve that. Someone to love me.
Sorry about bitching so much.