#andy.

tcoaal patch! spent a few days on this but just finished it.

closeups under the cut

vodka cranberry by conan gray.

i was so excited for this. i've been waiting to talk about this song for about three weeks, so this is the perfect excuse. i was in the bus listening to this song when i went "wait, let me hear it again because i just realized something..." so here is the something i realized.

first of all, i love andy's playlist because he is such a cry baby and he loves all the sweet melodramatic songs you imagine a gay boy like himself listens to. he hears the same ones again and again, he cries to them, he puts them on the radio of his car (yes, he learned how to drive) and he also loves to be a fanboy. it's his job but also his personality, so obviously he enjoys songs such as this but let's dive into it.

You say we're fine, but your brown eyes Are green this time, so you've been crying It's in the way you say my name So quick, so straight, it sounds the same

i think it's safe to say this song talks about a period in time before andy knew he needed to break up with pilkyu. and it seemed like such an abrupt decision, nobody could understand his reasons specially not pilkyu because he viewed the relationship as something happy. well, pilkyu was happy, he had someone doting, admiring, loving to every single one of his needs. to a point that he expected it. he expected andy to keep doing that for god knows how long, i imagine that pilkyu must even see himself actually committing to andy forever during that period and although that it's what andy wanted, it did not felt right. because it wasn't for the noble reasons of what love is suppose to be. there was some affection, some version of love and appreciation but it was mostly for what he was provided. and i give kudos for andy for realizing he deserved to felt loved and cherished too. so when he hears him say his name, when he feels his touch, when he knows he needs it, it's like a cut to his self-being and it's adding up to his soul crushed spirit. was having andy in his life like a chore he had to perform in order to have what he wanted? maybe.

As the time we took a break February fourth through the sixteenth of May So strange to be back at your place Pretending like nothing has changed

now this ties a little bit of their story through time because they've known each other since children, but they didn't grew up together. they had been a lot of time apart where they became who they are. then they met again, got to know each other, got too attached real quick, broke things off really bad when pilkyu got andy sick. andy knew they weren't exclusive and they kept going back and forth during that time and part of him is responsable for everything too. but it felt like a punch in the gut when he got dragged through the mud, had to watch his career die because of it while all pilkyu got was a month in bed and a slap on the wrist. it's different industries facing the same circunstancies and andy doesn't blame that on anybody other than the bad homophobic man that manage and watch sports. however it's a bittersweet feeling that adds up to their complicated past and to his own feelings. he doesn't wanna feel guilty, he doesn't wanna hang that around their heads but he can't pretend it didn't happen like pilkyu so easily does. he keeps coming back and it's like pilkyu always expects him to but in order to be together he has to pretend nothing changed when it did, he did.

i'm also reminded of that short i wrote about when andy got drunk at an event part and pilkyu was there and took him back to his place where they lived together. i think about the long feelings and memories andy had as he woke up, the details that he noticed that remained or that pilkyu completely wiped away in order to remove andy from himself as he did it. like the couch from ikea, the magnets in the fridge or even the way pilkyu pretended or not that he didn't knew how andy liked his coffee. all the things that felt so strange and so distant but at the same time so distasteful to know. and the fact that andy had to keep a straight face, fight to the feeling of wanting to ask him to yell at him, to shove him, to leave him pass out drunk on the street because then at least he would've known a real feeling of pilkyu even if it was anger and hatred. caring him on his arm to their old apartment just to know how he was still living and teasing him in the morning like they were old pals was just worse, it was pretending all over again.

Speak up, I know you hate me Looked at your picture and cried like a baby Speak up, don't leave me waiting Got way too drunk off a vodka cranberry Called you up in the middle of the night Wailing like an imbecile If you won't end things, then I will

and that's exactly what i mean. i feel like all andy ever wanted was to know how pilkyu truly felt. if he wanted him to stay, perhaps got on his knees asked him way, called him, wrote him an angry text, sued him for using his name on a video, left him on the street to be mugged while passed out drunk or maybe just meant the fact that he loved him, that he missed him if he did at all. it's strange because all though he wanted some strong reaction, he also felt terrible for knowing that maybe he didn't love pilkyu right too if he so waited for something he knew he was not. that might have been the worst feeling ever too. if he wanted pilkyu to be someone else, to act differently than that probably wouldn't be the pilkyu he knew to love. it wouldn't feel right, genuine, sincere or even fair to ask that of him. and that's coming from a place of insecurity which is why he cries like a baby, why he looks up at every show pilkyu does every night and follows every fansite and has a chest full of his merch which he could never get himself to throw it all (it was way too expansive too).

the element of the vodka cranberry being something andy added into his routine, i also think it's crazy if you over analyze this as: yes, andy was growing as a person, becoming more recognized and doing different things but he was also inserting himself in the same scene as pilkyu, being extravagant, dressing himself better, going out, drinking... doing all of this things he never did because he wanted to but also because it got him closer to be the kind of person that pilkyu might see and love. and yes, that's insane to catch on. i don't think andy thought it like that and maybe he never will, i do though. i think part of andy was expecting pilkyu to see him, to be jealous and to act on it. and he did eventually which is why they got back together again. making himself more like pilkyu (which is the person pilkyu loves the most in the world) did make him get some kind of reaction even though it was never going to be what he might deserve as a person.

also the last phrase it's pretty self-explanatory, i wanted to point out too how truly brave andy was to admit he needed to end that relationship, we keep saying that but i want to explain why. beyond not being treated right, being pilkyu's housemaid-lover, he was also not where he wanted to be and who he knew he could be. and yes that meant being different and that meant getting drunk on vodka cranberry but it also meant taking a risk which turned out to be what he needed to make something meaningful with his life. despite that unconsciously being what pilkyu would've seen like i said, it was also something closer to who andy truly should be. and that person is more than a caring loving partner to someone, that is someone charismatic, upbeat, surprising, quick-witted, clever, cheerful, hilarious, quirky and so much than what a basketball court could have shown him to be.

Now I look dumb and you look mean You casually steal back your T-shirt And your Polo cap, yeah, I noticed that Yeah, I notice everything you do

took a break, had dinner, felt tired and now i'm determined to finish this writing from my phone laying in my bed. remembered we mentioned little things about their break up like i did on the short i wrote? among those things i mentioned how andy probably stole a few items of clothing from pilkyu's closet and he probably left some behind too, and it's a different kind of hurt for them to notice they are wearing each others clothes or just to find them still amongst their things. i coult totally make up a metaphor about how this is very much like their own selves, that are so tangled with one another that they barely know where one start and the other beings. i also recall just know how i mentioned that andy took some of pilkyu's traits to be noticed by him, which is funny because in reality that only brought him closer to himself. deciding to live life, to discover thing and so on and so forth made him so brave and so unforgiving. two things i think pilkyu saw too and admire more than he did before. it's odd, but unusually soothing.

worth mentioning too the i noticed everything you do phrase, because again i remind of the short and how everything about pilkyu is so engrave in his brain. all his traits, habits, choices, details... he is proud to be the person that knows him best and it's also cursed because it's by knowing him so well that he knows what he sees or doesn't, even if that's him, andy. which is very ironic, because you like i have too much hope for pilkyu as person and i like to think that's the andy in me who just hopes for the better even though he is content with the way he is. does he wish he would react more for him? yes, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love him for who he is and for what he already does, he just wishes for more and to have that he had to be better and maybe even pilkyu had to be too.

Since the time we took a break Everybody knows you don't love me the same So cruel to be lying to my face 'Cause I know what you're too scared to say, oh-oh-oh

poor andy just wanted a sign from pilkyu, i imagined he probably waited for weeks for something that told him he should've stayed. he would watch his phone for hours hoping for a call and the time he decided to call instead od waiting, pilkyu was sleepy on the other line and he felt worse for interrupting him from his sleep. it's also very sad to think he was so insecure in this relationship, dating the hottest idol right now (i mean who even was he) that he felt like an impostor, undeserving and out of place. was he someone pilkyu loved or settled to have? would pilkyu dump him eventually? could what they have be called love? could they even be friends if they didn't fuck? would they matured as people and develop a relationship based on trust and respect? maybe instead of asking all of those things he could have just say no and accept it.

but i love to know they didn't. because that wouldn't be andy and pilkyu at all. they are not anything if not two stubborn men who will always inevitably fight their way towards each other.

Man

Lavernius.

Frank.

Dick.

THIS WAS IN REFERENCE TO SHIDOU. . . . . . .