the thing about cassiemichael is that he was her first friend. and cassie admitting that to him is presented as being just as important and raw and deeply vulnerable as michael expressing his romantic feelings for her and asking her to choose him. it arguably felt more vulnerable, to me. she is giving him her heart the way he gave his to hers once before, and they both know it. they both know that this is it. cassie is cracking open her ribcage before him and saying i can't choose you the way you wanted me to. i choose you like this. i offer you this. you're important to me like this. is this enough? can you choose me in this way? can this be enough? am i still important to you? is our friendship valuable to you? because it is valuable to me. is it still worth it even if it can't be what you wanted? am i? and michael can read all of this because it's what he does. and michael's answer is yes because he loves her more than he wants her, because he wanted to change for her and he did and it was in fact still worth it because she was his friend and they were family. and being her friend wasn't something to settle for but rather something important and intimate and true and special in its own way. that's the thing.
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Idk if anyone else has brought this up but am I the only one who thought Pomni was going to shoot herself at the beginning of her confrontation with Jax? Like when she turned away from him with the gun still in her hands?
Let me start by saying that she heavily considered it.
Now let's dive into this with the moments just before this scene occurred. Not only did he hit her below the belt regarding something she was already insecure about: the "you're a cartoon clown, how can I take you seriously?" was just the tip of the iceberg before everything started snowballing. Then not once, but TWICE, did Jax hit an insecurity of hers. And what's that second insecurity, you might be asking? Falling to abstraction and being forgotten.
It was showcased to us in Episode 2 during her nightmare sequence; how scared she was at being replaceable, being forgotten about with no one to help her as she's abstracting; that nobody cared about her and the only people she thought that might had abandoned her, mocking her. Jax going as far as to say, with a smile on his face, "I don't even remember her name, honestly". These were her perceptions on how they viewed her.
So when Pomni finally asked him, directly, if she were to abstract tomorrow, what would he do? That really set the nail in the coffin for her to mentally start teetering. "I'd move on. And probably forget all about you." He confirmed that silent insecurity, all while smiling at her. So, in her head, as if it became all too real and hard to even LOOK at him anymore after he stabbed her verbally where it hurt, probably unknowingly. She defeatedly said "okay, okay, I .. understand".
So why didn't she shoot Jax in anger? Why didn't she shoot herself to make a point?
Let's touch on these points together. Why didn't Pomni shoot herself? Because everyone thought she was going to - even Jax. He watched her every movement. From her reaction to what he had to say down to her turning around and looking at the gun, mildly lifting it. His eyes looked at her, and then the gun. That's why he doubled down and rectified that she "couldn't just take a joke" because he didn't want her to shoot herself; especially over a guy like him.
But it wasn't a joke to Pomni. That was fucked up and it hurt. It's subtle; you can see the moment that hurt turned into anger instead.
So why didn't she shoot Jax or herself? She had every justification under her belt to do it, to react in anger and show him his just comeuppance. So, why didn't she?
I'll tell you why. Because the guns weren't meant for that. They were meant to be used to have fun and let loose. Even Jax preached that to her, himself; because she didn't want to shoot and hurt her friends. But none of this is real, right? She was under the impression that him helping her grow more confidence was for them to have fun together, essentially LARP and play characters together. He can be the "funny" archetype and she can be the "evil" archetype. All for the sake of having fun.
But she didn't realize that Jax BELIEVED that that's all he was. That he wasn't a human like them, just some cartoon character. She initially thought he was playing a role for the sake of having fun together; that's why him saying he's "the funny one" stuck so heavily with her throughout the episode. Because she got to see for herself that he WASN'T - he wasn't just some hollow shell with no substance underneath. She saw him, for him; firsthand, she got to see through his charade and she wasn't going to believe it or allow him to believe it either. She learned a lot about him that adventure and he never once denied it, just brushed it off.
If she was going to shoot him, it was supposed to be on mutual terms to have fun as friends. NOT based on his own agenda to confirm his own insecurities to himself that he was some irredeemable monster inside that everyone hated. Just some throwaway character that nobody cared about. And this is also when she realizes that shooting herself wouldn't have had any lasting impression on him, to get him to realize. It would only prove his own point. So, she needed to drive home a point that would stick with him.
Anger was a good enough motivator; because she cared about him, she saw him as her friend and even though he hurt her, she KNEW he didn't mean it. He was deflecting, pushing her away, saying anything to make her see him in a negative light. And it frustrated the hell out of her. Because he's NOT THE FUNNY ONE. He's not just some archetype to slap on himself and wear it proud like a badge. He was a human, he was a person before whatever got him to this point. And what better than to get him to come to terms with that other than beating his ass about it?
She never once said she was doing this for anything. She wanted to prove a point. That point was: that he still, through everything, had humanity under the mask he had so held up tight to his face. And that point at the end of the day was for him to come to terms with that and realize that he's real. That's he's human just like she is. It takes a human with emotions to care. Pomni half expected him to fight back - come on, you're the funny one, after all! Wouldn't it be funny to fight her back? But he didn't. He didn't and he realized that. And her point was proven without her having to say a word. His whole ruse was shattered. This "cartoon villain" he wanted to be so badly.
And that's why he had to double down verbally and mention "you think I didn't fight you back was because I secretly CARE about you?" Exactly that. She didn't say that. You did. Because you do. She just needed to knock some sense into you for you to get it through your head.
He has feelings, he has emotions, he cares. And she saw that. Whether he wanted her to or not. And that's why shooting herself or shooting Jax in the end wouldn't have made any lasting impression or sense for their development to get this point and realization driven into his head.
i’m ngl some cinephiles r annoying as fuck bc they criticize horror through the same lens they would a drama. babygirl they’ve got bleeding orifices and possessed teenagers i don’t think you can criticize it the way you would the brutalist. why don’t you sit down and watch longlegs without the pretentious fuckery? look, nic cage being a laughably terrifying serial killer, okay?
wanted to point out here the similarities and differences between dutch and arthurs journals and how it reflects the set hierarchy between the two characters.
mayhaps I'm looking into this too much, this could EASILY be the case of preference... but I find the small details ;)
the two share the handwriting style: cursive. it's expected as cursive was a common handwriting technique in the 19th century.
cursive was used because it was a faster method and speed was prioritized over legibility. private conversations were more efficient if the words were harder to decipher, and so on so forth.
I've left a link to a reddit post with different letters, so feel free to check those out!
but in the context of rdr2?
the gang all write under the name "tacitus kilgore" to the post office and to make it harder to track the fake alias down, it wouldn't surprise me if dutch and hosea taught arthur and john to write similarly. (I'd assume that's the case because mary's letters are picked up by other members of the gang and a dialogue I vaguely remember in the new south(?) about the name... uhh)
arthurs penmanship is bigger than dutch's with a slight slant to it too. he spends his solitude in solace with a journal, and it's likely that the bigger handwriting just means he's not as interested in writing than he is drawing. the penmanship is perfect for captioning his sketches too, frankly enough...
but dutch's? a different case. his journal has lines, indexing them much like his own makeshift book (like the philosophy books he has, such can be found and read in horseshoe overlook) he's crafted. he's had the time to individualise those entries, order them out and make sure those words of his are strong.
he has the time to breathe and think it through. LITERALLY.
annoyingly enough I cannot for the life of me decipher the text... if anyone HAS, FEEL FREE TO MESSAGE!
arthurs more creative, yet runs on wasted time. similar to his position in the gang and how he operates.
dutch is more conforming, caved in by the walls he creates. again, it's similar to how he leads and the demise of his fate.
quite often does loki feel the phantom hold of thanos' hands gripping their neck, the slow loss of their breathing, the impending crack-snap-pop and the life draining from them. it catches them off guard every time, they quite literally have to pause to make sure that they're still alive otherwise a panic attack will soon follow. it's a constant occurence that they have to deal with but often hide as much as possible from others, but especially thor. they have not, will most likely not and feel as if they cannot tell anyone about it. suffering in silence is what they do best, of course.
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okay, so honestly, there's a lot! but there's a difference between what loki fears and loki is afraid of.
to fear is to constantly, intensely and persistently be worried / aprehensive / dreading something for a prolonged period of time. to be afraid is the immediate physical reponse to something that can be perceived as a threat or danger.
i'll start this out with things that loki is afraid of. note that this is in no particular order and simply just a list as i write them down. those that are underlined are a bit more severe emotionally however.
insects & arachnids. not so much a phobia of insects, but definitely one of arachnids. they don't like the way bugs look, or sound. buzzing bothers them and they tend to flinch when insects fly towards them. they don't like butterflies or moths, or anything big and round. arachnids on the other hand are terrifying simply because they have too many legs, too many eyes, can be bigger than the size of someone's fist. it's gross and freaky and loki HATES them. is not the kind of being you go to, to take care of a bug or something of that nature. you're on your own.
rejection. this is something they struggle with heavily. their RSD ( rejection sensitive dysphoria ) is very easily triggered because of their emotional instability and inability to properly view things objectively. things that may not seem so big to others are amplified to loki. for example, offhandedly someone might say something like “it was good.” to something that loki might've done for them ( maybe a trick with their magic, or the rare look into loki's poetry ) and it could offset their entire mood, swinging downward because if it SOUNDS like there is no interest, no enthusiasm, then that person does not care. most importantly, flat out rejection is taken harder than it should be, along with disappointing others. ( i.e when loki poured their heart out to odin and odin went into odinsleep, or when loki looked for any semblance of care in odin's face while they were about to fall into the bifrost and was only met with blank disappointment before they let go and fell. )
the sound of silence. this may not make sense, but loki doesn't like silence at all. contrary to popular belief, they cannot sit in silence reading a book. music or some form of noise must always be there to cushion the quiet. if left in silence for too long, there is a physical reaction within loki where it feels as though their ears will pop, they get irritated and their veins feel hot. it's not something i can quite explain in detail WHY it happens, it just does. it's something that makes them feel ill immediately.
large bodies of water. this one is a bit more irrational and isn't really triggered unless they're being forced to go out to sea or a lake for whatever reason. they don't like when they can't see the bottom of things, but especially open water. so much could be lurking beneath, it's freaky and they don't like it at all.
strangulation. this teeters more into fear territory at times but not completely. obviously, this is due to the fact that they nearly died at the hands of thanos. it's a trauma response, one that haunts them just as the thought of being controlled mentally again does. they will get very nervous and antsy when touched near their neck or throat, do not do it unless you are bucky. this isn't a privilege they allow anyone, at all. only bucky is allowed to touch their neck/throat in anyway. they reflexively touch their neck often, especially during times of panic or stress. they have attacks at times due to the phantom feeling of hands wrapped around their throat, or the inability to breathe properly from their throat closing up in a similar fashion to being choked. it's something they try to have in private and will hide if it happens in public. this isn't something they can control, but it can be SORT OF held off for a minute or two at most. this only goes for some of their verses however! some ( i.e tvd ) verses for loki don’t have this situation.
now we get into her genuine fears. the ones that are always at the back of her mind. once again, in no particular order because these are all important.
space. loki will never set foot within space ever again, doesn’t like hearing about it or talking about it. they rarely glance up at the night sky, and if they do, it’s only to stare at the moon. they don’t like stars, or other planets. space has been completely ruined for them, the only feeling they get when the topic is brought up is a sense of dread, like it isn’t over, like what happened will happen again. there are few exceptions to this verse wise.
thanos & purple as a color. loki will always be looking over their shoulder, always flinch at shadows that tower over them, freeze at the sight of any shade of purple. the constant worry that thanos is in fact still alive, or able to come back in some way is something that plagues their thoughts always. it’s gotten a little bit better in recent years, they force themselves not to panic over purple hues, but never will they be rid of the fear struck into their heart at the mere mention of thanos’ name. thanos’ title. thanos in general.
the dark, what lurks within & anything to do with the mind. spending an entire year in the void being mentally, physically and emotionally tortured by the other and thanos has left loki terrified of darkness and the unknown. i won’t get too into it because it’s not a topic i want to ever really breach ( not something i genuinely want to explore because it affects my loki muse heavily ) but. every bump in the night has them clutching at their heart, any creak or howl of the wind. they don’t feel comfortable in the dark anymore. they don’t sleep in the dark anymore, they don’t sit in it. always, a light will be on in some way. because if they can’t see something coming first, they’re in danger. they NEED to be aware of what’s around them at all times. if it’s dark and loki is exposed to that, they will react negatively. being in complete and total darkness somewhere they can’t escape from unless they give up control is a very real fear for them. because it’s what they had to do to survive. they are hesitant and cautious around telepaths or anyone that is able to manipulate / enter minds. their resistance to mind control / penetration is extremely high, however that doesn’t mean they can’t be broken down to a point where resistance is futile. it’s happened before, and it’s something they’re anxious will happen once more.
there’s probably more that i’m forgetting right now but these are the ones i could remember for my portrayal! thank you so much for asking ily mara.
i am nothing. but still in that, i wanted to be loved. becoming light, erica jong / before sunset, dir. richard linklater / love poem, anne sexton / bag of bones, stephen king / my mother dwindles, margaret atwood / the archer, taylor swift / fleabag, dir. harry bradbeer / sugar apple, yves olade / the dialogue of desire and guilt, j.d. mcclatchy; birthright, george abraham / waiting room, phoebe bridgers / letters to benvenuta, rainer maria rilke / butch is a noun, s. bear bergman / work song, hozier / black bear, dir. lawrence michael levine / mothers, daughter / two, sleeping at last / georgia, phoebe bridgers / please, please, please, let me get what i want, the smiths / i want to look out a window, jenny slate / untitled, teenbeachmovie3 / did you know that there's a tunnel under ocean blvd, lana del rey / all about love: new visions, bell hooks / a lover's discourse: fragments, roland barthes / the long and short of it, richard siken / body of water, florence welch / untitled, rbhvleo / untitled, giovanni gasparro; sunlight, hozier / litany in which certain things are crossed out, richard siken / untitled, silas denver melvin; wolf hall, hilary mantel / phantom pain, caitlin conlon.
