#anakinskywalkerkin

I just want to come back to her. There's something completely innocent about the freedom that comes with being together, when I can heavily ignore the Order and it's teachings to focus on those forbidden attachments and base instinct.

Because there's nothing better than her, the way she teases a me to stop growling out of lust and how I know she reacts or when she digs her hands into my hair - or the way she curls up against me and nuzzles into my neck with a soft giggle amid so many other things.

I designed my room to replicate it as closely as I could without being too obvious or loud. It’s comfortably warm, yellow lighting and walls and.. the sandiest looking rug I could find. Because after everything, I even miss the goddamn sand.

-sadly, Anakin Skywalker

And after half a year of space from it, and scrapping together new fandoms and interests to keep me occupied, I’m back.

The worst part is telling people who I kin- because yes, I’m Anakin, and it was awful. I grieved for so long during my shift- I think most of my shift was grief.

No one takes me seriously, of course because I kin ANAKIN, but the anger I felt for something that didn’t happen to me in this life was so intense I had to distance myself from the media I was in just to relax.

I’m going to rewatch the entirety of Clone Wars again, make sure I ease myself into any shifts this time.

My timeline wasn’t perfect to canon, but I miss my friends- Padme is so blurry to me, she shouldn’t be, she should be the main point of focus for me but I just can’t remember what happened. I’m aroace, but I don’t remember what I was as Anakin… I was queer in some way, which makes my relationship with Padme harder to define or comprehend.

I miss Rex. The 501st. I mourned them more than I mourned the Jedi.

I miss my mom, I couldn’t save her either. Every time people bring it up so lightly in fandom talk, I need to live through what happened to her.

I just wish I was back- as awful and terrible as everything was, as hard as it was to lose everything and everyone I loved by my own hands- I want it back. I don’t belong here like this. It doesn’t feel right.

-sadly, Anakin Skywalker

And I feel it from time to time. I remember what it was like and expect it to just be there.

And it’s not like reaching out to move something and realizing “awe man, can’t move it” it’s reaching through an entire building to sense the amount of people in it or trying to push my emotions out into the space around me to clear my mind and just not being able to

I remember learning to control it, struggling with the intensity of it. It was overwhelming and overstimulating at times. But after learning to work around that, to use it to my advantage, to warp it around my problems instead of letting it become one- I had mastered it.

And then cut to me, now, trying to sense the emotions clearly displayed on a close friend’s face and coming up short

In all of my dreams, I’m able to use the force again. Every single one (that I can remember), I can feel it’s there and use it- sounds crazy, but I miss it

#NonCanonSkyGuy (MPC, if this tag is a problem on your end, let me know. When I checked, it wasn’t a username- totally fine if it doesn’t work though, #Anakin is always easy to track here! Also ily you’re very cool)