#amition

That… Is very difficult to explain. 

Um… So first off. Thomas has a side name Virgil who represents his Anxiety. It effects his day to day life and was originally one of his ‘darker’ traits until Thomas learned to accept him. 

I don’t suffer from anxiety (outside of social situations). So when I stopped to consider what trait would potentially fill Virgil’s slot I discovered that it was Ambition. (there is a lot more to it than that but I’m trying to keep it pretty simple).

But Ambition doesn’t seem like it would be a dark side does it? Well… to much of a good thing and all that. Basically I was at a point in my life that I hated myself. 

Honestly, the issue sounds obvious when I talk about it but when you’re so goal orientated you tend to wear blinders. I was in denial. A woman my age with a child is not ‘supposed’ to prioritize anything over her family. I am ‘supposed’ to define myself by my children and husband and nothing else. If I don’t than I am a horrible human being and should be ashamed of myself… and I was. I was working a job and an unpaid internship, taking double classes, doing charity work, trying to run a household and raising my son. I was exhausting myself.

My marriage was becoming strained because I was trying to be everything I was ‘supposed’ to be and more and my husband felt like he was being forgotten and in a way… he was. I loathed myself so much for not being strong enough… Because I knew how I was ‘supposed’ to feel but didn’t. You see, the truth was; though I love my family unconditionally and would do anything for them… I couldn’t find it in myself to put them before my career… my education… My Ambition…  and I thought that made me the worst kind of person.

Thomas though… Thomas’ work helped me realized that it doesn’t matter what society says I’m ‘supposed’ to feel. I feel what I feel and that is that. I shouldn’t be ashamed that I’m not the family obsessed society norm Mother who wants nothing but to stay at home and raise children (which there is nothing wrong with. It is a difficult and thankless job and I applaud anyone who is capable of it (man/woman/other)). It is okay for me to want more. Its alright for me to feel the way I do and want to make a life for myself. To define myself as more than just a mom. I don’t have to hate myself for wanting to be the best version of myself. 

Sanders Sides helped me realize that and when I did. I sat down with my husband, fully expecting him to leave me as I explained to him that my career and education would come first. And… he didn’t. In fact, he seemed relieved. He asked if I could slow down a bit instead of going full sprint towards my goals. He said that he wasn’t career orientated and was only going to school because his priority was family (which he was struggling with as well because as the ‘man’ in the relationship society said it wasn’t supposed to be). That he understood and would help me where ever I need it just as he expected me to do the same for him as he was family oriented and that was his priority. 

This is not to say I neglect my family now, I don’t. It is simply that my priorities have shifted and thus has become less stressful and toxic allowing for a more healthy environment for all of us. My husband and I are better than ever. We have regular family nights so as not to overwhelm or neglect anyone… 

And honestly, I’m more happy than ever. Ambition has ruled over me for so long, forcing me into this constant cycle of overwork and self loathing until I accepted it… I accepted it thanks to Thomas’ work making me see that its alright to just be who I am. So, I owe a lot to Sanders Sides. 

I might not have a Virgil but I do quite like the idea of Ambition being a side that may have been dark previously… But I hope I answered your question and didn’t ramble on too much <3