I expected her to be there, but I had been silently praying I wouldn’t see her. When the Arctic Monkeys won the award for best video, the camera moved to her in a split-second, her gorgeous face lighting the giant screens by the side of the stage.
She looked happy, which I both liked and hated. I loved how strong she was, the fact she had found a warmth and strength within herself to be that brave and put herself in the public eye again after everything that happened, was something I couldn’t even begin to comprehend.
It’s hard to fall out of love with a girl like that.
Of course I had watched the video.
I had watched the video over and over again and then played it over and over again in my mind. It felt like that was my only link to her, that was the only way I could see her. There were nights where I couldn’t sleep so I would just play the video on my phone, the light from the screen the only thing lighting my miserable face, and I would just watch her. It never made me feel any better, it always just tended to give me a headache but I couldn’t help myself.
It annoyed me how much the video spoke to me. I would see the men all desperate to touch her, trying to clamber onto the stage to grab her, but she was out of reach. That fucking spoke to me, that rang so much truth it burnt my eardrums and made my throat clench and I couldn’t stand it.
I sipped despondently on my drink, rolling my eyes at the loud noises of the room. I really was not in the mood to be there, but I knew out of politeness it was best for me to stay. Not that I was being polite or enjoyable company in any way, I was just sat staring into nothing as it all went on around me.
But I was pulled from that trance when I saw Zayn and Niall awkwardly talking to each other, whispering into each other’s ears and glancing over my shoulder, looking slightly worried as they did. I knew automatically it would be Anna, she would be sat behind me and they would be trying to avoid me turning to see her, which of course, meant I did, straight away.
I then I realised exactly why they were being so awkward about it.
Who the fuck is that boy touching her?
Who the fuck is he?
Is he going to kiss her?
What the fuck?
She has a boyfriend?
Fuck.
I’ll fucking kill him.
Why is he touching her like that?
Nobody gets to touch her like that.
Move in any fucking closer and I swear to god...
I quickly turned my head back around as I knew his lips met hers, completely unable to stand the sight of someone else touching her in the way that I once had the honour of doing. My heart was shuddering in my chest, and even though I had turned around to avoid seeing the kiss, it was all I could see. In my mind it was there, this firm image of her lips pressed against his.
My fists were clenched, my nostrils flared, I could feel my head pulsing.
Niall and Zayn looked so disheartened, they looked like they were absolutely gutted on my behalf, giving me annoying little head tilts and crooked smiles.
I hated it.
I threw some chewing gum into my mouth and rolled my shoulders.
“I need a drink.” I grunted.
The chair scraped the floor as I stood myself up, angrily storming over to the bar and trying my best not to rise to my dark feelings, wanting to control myself so I didn’t pounce towards the boy claiming her lips and knock him cold.
I need to calm the fuck down.
I reached the bar and swiftly ordered a strong one, but it didn’t take long until I found I was watching her. I just stood in the corner of the bar and watched her. The group of them all raised their glasses to the centre and shouted cheers, and she seemed so fucking happy.
Selfishly, I hated that she seemed to be doing so well without me.
She’s moving on.
He moved his arm around her waist and kissed her cheek, and the anger I had been trying to get rid of just doubled in size. I had never felt anything like it, just watching him touch her and the fact she wasn’t flinching away from him. I had only ever seen her flinch from boys, she would always back away from their touches, like she did with that boy when we were in Paris.
Why isn’t she moving away from him?
It was like I could hear my own heart shattering as I watched them; it started in my chest and crackled up to my ear like glass splitting before it finally just broke and crashed into a thousand pieces on the floor around me.
I began to question how she could have felt when she first saw a picture of me and Grace, the girl I had been set up with by management. Nice enough girl, but I had only given her the time of day in an attempt find a way of dealing with my own sadness, convincing myself I could move on and feel something for someone else.
It was when I accidently called her Kate that I realised she wasn’t the change I needed. I was turning back into a boy I hated, a boy who was trapped within the black walls of his own fear but I just couldn’t fight it. I had no idea how else I could manage my own emotions.
He was whispering to her skin, their lips dangerously close, my heart stammering in my chest.
I wondered if she enjoyed the feeling of his breath hitting her in the same way she used to enjoy mine, and I hoped that somewhere in the back of her mind she was wishing it was me who was that close to her. I hoped that his breath wasn’t quite as warm, I hoped it bounced off her skin rather the melted into it. I just didn’t want him to affect her body at all.
She kissed him then.
I expected my blood to run hot, but the opposite occurred. I became cold, watching them embrace one another left me feeling so incredibly empty, I had nothing to give. I was suddenly this cold-hearted person, and I couldn’t fucking stand it. I watched her brush her tongue to his, and my mouth ran dry. I heard Alex woo from beside them, and hated the fact that they were obviously friends and Alex was happy about her new relationship. I wondered how Rachel felt about the boy. I knew my friends still wanted me to be with her, how did her friends feel about me?
I breathed a sigh of relief as she pulled away from the kiss, I felt so grateful that I just didn’t have to witness that anymore. She spoke close to his lips, and I realised it wasn’t just the kiss that I couldn’t stand to watch, it was everything!
I turned myself back around and swigged at my drink, cringing at the taste as it travelled down my throat. I slammed the glass back down to the bar and ran my hand through my hair, a cruel madness tracing me as I tried to forget everything I had just witnessed.
A part of me hated her for it all.
Then I was plunged deeper into my anger and loathing, when I heard her voice.
“Can I have a whiskey and lemonade please? Thank you.”
Don’t say anything to her Harry.
You’ll fucking regret it.
Walk away, just walk away.
“So you haven’t changed.”
I couldn’t resist, I think a part of my mind was just wanting to make her feel as low as I did, because once again I had found myself being incredibly selfish about the matter.
I saw her face drop, looking down to the bar as she tried to control her breathing.
I enjoyed that I still got a reaction from her.
I tried to keep myself from yelling by chewing on my gum, looking her up and down as she slowly neared me. I could feel how awkward she was from the very beginning, and I knew that I was so fucking angry and heartbroken I wasn’t going to help the matter.
“Hi.” She whispered.
Her voice was beautifully fragile, and the fact I was remembering that I was attracted to each aspect of her was beginning to grind on me and anger me even more. I hated how negative I felt, how much just being around her was suddenly digging into me and making sick to the stomach.
I hate myself.
I hate her.
I hate this.
“How are you?” She asked me.
“What do you care?”
What does she care?
She’s with someone else.
Why am I snapping at her?
Jealousy.
“Wh-what?”
I was hurting her, I could tell I was, and my heart was begging me to stop, it was calling up to me and telling me that I should hold her. Maybe it would be the best I could get, just to wrap my arms around her for a split second and feel some kind of closeness with her again, as much as I possibly could. But instead my anger was speaking for itself, and I was acting like a total prick.
The man who had poured her drink passed it to her across the bar, clearly eyeing her up in the process which added flames to my rage even more so. She was eager to get away from me, she practically threw her money across the bar, telling him to keep his change as she attempted to escape my company, but I needed her to know in some way that I still cared for her, that I didn’t want to see her with anybody else.
I had no idea what was going on in my head.
She tried to walk away, but I had to bring her back to me.
Any time in her company was better than having nothing from her again.
“Say hi to your boyfriend.” I said unenthusiastically.
She stopped dead in her tracks, and I couldn’t help but question what the fuck was coming over me. I had always been ridiculously protective of her, and I knew that was going to remain even when we weren’t together, and that was one of the reasons I was having such a difficult time coming to terms with the fact she was no longer mine, she was someone else’s to hold.
But why did I feel the need to be so fucking awful to her?
She turned around and stormed up to me, that powerful girl I loved so much fighting me and my actions, which kind of spurred me on, because I loved seeing the fiery girl who had captured me when every other girl failed to.
“Excuse me?” She scowled.
I pushed from the bar and looked down to her, trying my best to act as though I didn’t care at all when really it was taking all my might not to force my lips to hers.
I love you.
I whispered the three words in my mind over and over again as the angry girl stood looking up to me like I was the foulest creature on earth.
But at least she was looking at me.
“Is that why you’re acting like a cunt?” Her voice raised.
“Nah. He seems like a nice guy. Just send my love to him.” I spat sarcasm.
“What the fuck is your problem? You have a girlfriend!”
I actually found it quite amusing that she had completely looked past everything she knew about me and our management and she genuinely thought I had feelings for Grace. I just started laughing in her face, kind of shocked she really did think I had feelings for someone other than her.
“Y’know what, Harry, I actually thought you were going to be decent. Nice to see you’ve turned into a total arse-hole since the last time I saw you.”
“Nice to see my current girlfriend is a lot better than my ex.”
What the fuck did I just say?
She turned and stormed away from me. Before she could see my face drop and tears fill my eyes, she was long gone, moving away from everyone and going to a section of the building I hadn’t explored.
I stood there with my heart in the pit of my stomach, so full of hatred for myself.
I think that was the moment I realised it was exactly like my days with Kate, I was so scared and alone that it was changing me, it was affecting me, and I was becoming the worst possible version of myself. This was a side of me even my closest friends despised, and he was back.
I could feel something tear at my chest as I began to run in the opposite direction Anna had, pushing past people and going to the closest door I could find, pushing myself inside and slamming it shut behind me. I found myself in a small closet type room, my back pressed against the shelves and my heart on my chest as I panted, the first tear slipping from my eye as I took in what had just happened, what I had said to the girl I was once helped fix, now I was breaking her.
Just seconds after I turned the lock on the door, I heard someone try to get in, a man outside telling me I shouldn’t be in there. But I didn’t know what to do with myself, I was just a shivering mess as my back slipped down and I ended up on the floor, knees tucked up to my chest and body aching as I sobbed to myself, the man outside banging on the door as trying to force himself inside.
And I just sat there and cried to myself.
Because I missed her.
Because I still loved her.
Because I had hurt her.
And because I was no longer myself.
