#ambastards

Jack: Next Wednesday hasn’t happened yet. We don’t have any evidence that it’s going to happen, or that we’ll be around to see it. So next Wednesday is imaginary.

David: Have you been smoking Medda’s cigarettes?

Jack: If I told you to meet me next Wednesday, you’re not going to argue with me about whether next Wednesday really exists.

David: Because we can be reasonably certain, based on past experience and realistic expectations, that we will be around next Wednesday. But have you ever heard of anyone getting three wishes, Jack?

Jack: I want to say no, but there’s one detail that makes me wonder. One detail that’s consistent in almost every story you hear about somebody getting three wishes. And when a bunch of different people say exactly the same thing, you have to suspect that there’s a grain of truth to what they’re talking about.

David: That’s not what I suspect.

Jack: Which is weird, because you’re usually suspicious about everything, Dave. So explain to me how, whenever anybody gets three wishes, he’s never allowed to wish for more wishes? What does that make you suspect?

David: That wishing for more wishes does not make for a very interesting story, since there’s absolutely nothing at stake.

Jack: Or, you know, a lot of people get three wishes. And they all have that same restriction. But most people aren’t smart about it.

David: And the alliance is an attempt to intelligently distribute imaginary resources.

Jack: Don’t insult the alliance, Dave. It’s a way to make sure that you and all your friends get the most out of your three wishes.

David: I wasn’t insulting the alliance.

Jack: Well, good. Don’t. Because it’s much easier to get invited out than voted in, and I don’t have that much influence.

David: You’ve yet to explain the alliance, Jack.

Jack: Like I said, I need a quorum. But I can tell you one thing.

David: I hope everybody’s sitting down.

Jack: And you can steal this idea to form your own alliances.

David: Because everyone who reads your blog is kind, well-intentioned, and willing to sacrifice for collective good.

Jack: Well, yeah - that describes each and every one of them. Have you met them all, Dave? Because it’s like you’ve met them all.

David: I’m sure the vast majority of them lovely and patient human beings who are willing to put up with your rambling on -

Jack: You say “human beings,” Dave, but I like to think at least one of them is a dog.

David: A dog.

Jack: Yeah, a dog that reads. I like to think that if he exists, he’s reading what I write.

David: So you’re writing for an audience of the most wonderful people on earth, and one literate dog.

Jack: If he exists.

David: Right.

Jack: And has an interest in reading stories.

David: Why wouldn’t he?

Jack: That’s what I ask myself. Have I offended him somehow?

David: If he exists, and he reads your blog, I’m sure you have offended him somehow.

Jack: Sorry, Digby.

David: He has a name?

Jack: It’s what I like to call him, until we get introduced.

David: I’m sure you’ve not only offended Digby, but every other reader of this blog.

Jack: Sorry, ambastards.

David: It’s what you like to call them?

Jack: It’s what they like to be called.

David: I’m sure that’s the case, Jack. Just be careful about how many people find out about this alliance idea, because you don’t want it to end up in the wrong hands.

Jack: Like, somebody reading this might wish that Chicago pizza is permanently declared better than New York pizza, ending the debate once and for all?

David: Just like that.

Jack: Nobody do that. And that means you too, Digby. You’re not even from Chicago.

David: Well, then, where is … do I even really want to know?

Jack: He’s from St. Louis.

David: You know what, Jack? Get together a quorum and talk about the alliance. I never want to hear another word about Digby.

Jack: He’s from St. Louis, he can read, and maybe he exists.

David: Or maybe not.

Jack: Maybe we’ll meet him next Wednesday.

David: ASSEMBLE A QUORUM, JACK!