Hi Iva! First of all I would like to say - thank you for loving Bellamy so much, it means so much to me to read your posts and feel the same love I have for him. The way I wholheartedly with your every word... about his tragic life, his immense love, everything. On the other hand, you must hurt a lot judging by myself - I honestly cannot stop crying multiple times a day. I do not know how to make the pain stop. I dont know how much more I can handle, its not getting better but actually worse p1
P2 when I think about in details about his life like you did ā his life had no happy beginning, or middle, and certainly not the end. Maybe only as a baby boy before O was born. I donāt know how to deal with the fact the character that I genuinely believe had it the worst ended up with the worst possible ending as a reward for honestly trying to do better. Like if he at least experienced love and understanding from O or SOMETHINGā¦ but she never got to tell him sorry for beating him up,
P3 that now she understands what he did for herā¦ I am gonna go crazy over this, honestly. I wanna stop crying and enjoy fanfiction with much better ending for him. Where should I find solace? Was his death at least quick, maybe he did not have time to think about what happened? Is there an afterlife where Aurora waited for him? Was that what I can hope for when Aurora was NEVER explained, she was not an alien so what was she? But he also sow Cadogan in the same scene and he was alive then?
P4 Should I watch 5x13 on loop to get in my head this was the ending? Should I teach myself to edit and do some manip for the ending? My only way of coping is seeing other people, blogs like yours that love him just as much. But I keep crying and feeling utterly miserable ā¹I am 27 I never spend so much time loving any character (fun fact, It must be around 3 500 hours for me reading ff, watching the show and fan edits and tumblr posts). I know Bellamy will always and forever be the one beloved
P5 one beloved character of mine and no one will ever come close. Bellarke, the same ā they were my OTP. The only one. I need to do something about this cause I am loosing my damn mindā¦ I could handle almost anything, I would cry, yes, but I was absolutely sure of one thing - no matter their ending, sad or happy, in some sense they would do it togetherā¦ and we got THAT. Does anything help you? I am so sorry for dumping this on you but reading your posts - its like hearing my soul.
First of all thank you for the kind words and for enjoying my blog so much.Ā
I really do love Bellamy Blake a whole damn LOT. Like a damn LOT hah. I think thatās pretty obvious by the posts I make even if theyāre not as many lately because Iām mentally not doing well right now. But that same love you feel, I feel it too and Iām glad Iām not alone in this.
I also get angry too and I cry a lot still about the way things ended. I also have not spent that much time in my life invested in a fictional character before so this is a lot for me as well and I get how you feel.
You asked me if something helps and for me it helps a lot to write you know? Be it meta or fanfiction, I indulge myself a lot in writing.Ā
Itās funny that even when I write fics I donāt write happy fics, youād think that Iād make him absolutely happy in what I write but I donāt. But indulging yourself in a world of your creation with this character helps a lot. And itās fun too, to do this, to build a world for him, a different one-be it with Clarke or with a family of his own or Idk just with anyone. Giving him love that he never had and joy he never felt. I think that helps me a lot and it helps me forget how he died and how much it hurts (I wanna say that even typing this makes me cry hah, so...).
I also like to rewatch some episodes that were more about him as a character and then meta in my head. That usually gets me sad too but itās also exciting to think about some of the stuff that happened and dive in the psychologity of his character (which I do a lot) LOL. But thatās mostly painful. I donāt get many asks about him and meta stuff so I mostly do it in my head on my own and dive into the world of direction and how things were done and love making sense of them.Ā
Headcanons are something I love doing too though I havenāt written (or posted) much lately. In fact I havenāt posted anything lately because Idk...Iām not sure that sharing everything you create is good these days. people got so judgemental over time, the way actors and cast are threated is horrible but it extends to the entire fandom and its participants so itās ugly and dark and horrible and I think stops a lot of people from posting gifs or fics or anything at all. But thatās another subject.
So yes writing helps me a lot. Reading fics helps me a lot. Iām not sure what the recipe is here because honestly I am in the same boat as you. I love this character more than anything and any other that Iāve loved and been in a fandom before so...this is hard for me too. And itās fucked up.Ā
I also love making gifs for him though I donāt make anything good or special. Gifs I think can be lots of fun but also pain too-fun cause when you go to gif a moment you can rewatch half the episode (at least I do) and sad cause it can bring you some pain but at the end giffing is really Idk..rewarding. Except when people donāt reblog shit so thatās discouraging too hah.
Iām sorry I donāt mean to be a debbie downer.
To tell you the truth after years of being on here and in fandoms I realized this-I can create to soothe my soul from the pain, like from losing Bellamy but I donāt have to seek validation from people and post it. I can do it just to heal myself and not share it. When you share it what? You just get disappointed. Thatās why I have 230 drafts. Half of them are unpublished headcanons. some of them are published fics with few readers or readers who yelled at me for writing sad stuff. the other half is stories iāll never post. So I guess my advice is-
find something to get your hands on, to create, be it editing, giffing, writing, something to let the grief out, to soothe the wound inside you. and then you can decide if you want to share it or not. and even if you donāt it was inspired by the best character ever.Ā
He was loved, he deserved more, he did. But you can create worlds where he has more.
He can be held by his mom as a baby, he can be tucked in, he can be climbing up her leg and reaching for her arms, he can be cranky when he had his first tooth, or sad when he had to go to day care, he can be scared before his first exam and anxious as he grew up. He can be having nightmares and not sleeping when O was born, he can be terrified and feeling alone. He can have friends and be hugged and loved and have a first kiss, he can live in a house by the ocean with clarke with two beautiful kids and a dog and a cat for her cause she loves cats. Or he can be alone curled up in his bed just crying his grief away.
He can be anything that you wished for him, anywhere you wished for.Ā
