That's right, fuckbags: I'm jumping on the crypto wave RIGHT at its peak. Once I secure funding from Tesla and figure out how much of the Rick and Morty art style I can rip off without getting my ass beaten to smithereens (I could totally take Dan Harmon and Scott Marder at the same time, but in a FIGHT? No way), $EGG is going to be the next Bitcoin.

Here's what you clowns WON'T be enjoying because you're too dumb to invest in Eggcoin while it's hot... 🔥

$EGG Roadmap

Quarter 1: $EGG makes its grand debut on X and quickly rockets to the top of the charts. All the male geniuses invest in $EGG, and I get the coveted Elon Musk endorsement by sundown. Elon Musk DMs me to ask how he can make $EGG even bigger. I say something smart and quick-witted, like "Let's discuss this over martinis, science man! 😏" The two of us get drunk at Texas Roadhouse.

Quarter 2: $EGG becomes the fastest-growing crypto in history and beats out Bitcoin, leading the creator of Bitcoin to reveal his identity for the first time so he can personally congratulate me. He shows up at my apartment wearing a hood and takes off the hood to reveal that he was Elon Musk the whole time, which I already suspected, leading me to say something smart and quick-witted like "Can't get enough of the Eggman, can you, E? 😏" The two of us get drunk at Texas Roadhouse.

Quarter 3: By this point, 100,000 $EGG has flooded the market. In a strikingly bold and genius business decision, I announce that I'm burning 10% of $EGG to keep the value high. A frantic buying war ensues as crypto bros fight to get their hands on that sweet, sweet Eggcoin. Meanwhile, Dan Harmon drives to my apartment to high-five me in person. We go to Texas Roadhouse and split a bloomin' onion.

Quarter 4: $EGG becomes a global currency that's accepted by millions of retailers, including Tesla, SpaceX, Rue 21, most head shops, those booths at Midwest craft fairs that sell shirts with pictures of Rick and Morty getting blasted with Bender from Futurama, straight pride events, Adult Swim offices and Harmontown. I perform a sly Google search for "best tax loopholes for rich people in 2026."

Quarter 5: I announce on X that Rick Sanchez will be giving the voiceovers for all Eggcoin advertisements going forward. Ian Cardoni and Justin Roiland agree to fight each other to death for the privilege, but Ian wins by default because Justin can't find someone to cover his shift at Raising Cane's. Me and every crypto bro within a 20-mile radius all get drunk at Texas Roadhouse.

Quarter 6: $EGG is now the greatest cryptocurrency of all time. Dan Harmon attends the celebration that Adult Swim and Elon Musk host in my honor. He acts like he's just stopping by to grab his coat, but I know why he's really there. I say something smart and quick-witted, like "That must be Dan Harmon, because he's harmin' all the stupid people with his genius brain waves! 😏" What happens after that, you ask? Well, let's just say that we go back to my place...after a brief stop at Texas Roadhouse.

By now, you toerags are probably wondering "But what can I buy with Eggcoin, anyway?" I'll tell you what you CAN'T buy: woke shit like Birdrick commissions or matcha yoga mats. Instead, Eggcoin is the exclusive currency for the next phase that's about to rock the Internet--a curated selection of specialized, exclusive NFTs.

EggNFTs

Laugh all you want, puke brains, but $EGG is about to revolutionize the NFT industry and make those monkey pictures look like three turds absorbing a grape. Just to rub it in your faces, here's a sneak peek of the profile pictures you're about to see everywhere:

You Tumblrites might think you've got it all figured out, but it takes a real alpha male to grab the crypto industry by the beanbags and fondle it into submission. Those fucks in the Elon Musk Discord are going to regret banning me. "Everything you say is super gay," they kept saying. They want gay? I'll show them gay. And by gay, I mean my secret acronym: Get All Y'all's retirement funds.

my oc sheet Oliver and a cool guy I saw on Pinterest :3

Keep an eye out on daily things, you never know the beauty you may encounter…