#also personal

Hi, yes. I did delete it, along with most of my other fics (non-Naruto included).

Apparently, I've been losing my mind, confidence, patience, sanity, and my will to live rapidly for the last couple of months, and this time for a few days, it was terrible, which made me take this decision. Not on impulse or anything, but still.

Since I said it's a confidence issue as well, I'm apprehensive about putting anything out there right now. It maybe a temporary phase and maybe it's not. But for now, I think I'm done with writing for them.

OKAY I ACTUALLY HAVE AN UPDATE ON THIS LISTEN UP EVERYONE (AKA. THE THREE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO KNOW):

ALTA has been a liiiiittle bit of a saga (would you believe me if I said I finished it in APRIL 😭🔪 ) but there have been major, major changes made to it since (I had to swap two characters and add more scenes and do a whole lot of clarifying shit and fill plot holes and I feel like I'm writing an actual book at this point).

That being said, I've scheduled a drop dead date on it for in October 2023, so...whatever state it is in on that date, chapter 1 is going out 💀

Thank you so much for the ask. I feel like I had to commit to a date, and now I have.

To be honest, I have become so disillusioned with this fic over time because of my fluctuating feelings towards writing and fandom and the mental health roller-coaster I've been on pretty much all year (I have been UNWELL I'm just gonna say it, and there have been some changes to the therapy I'm receiving that have impacted my creativity, but I think I'm coming out of my deep dark hole finally!!) also I've sort of carved out some really amazing group chats and one on one convos with other people that have sustained me. I've really enjoyed getting to know people better, and I don't even think they necessarily know how important they are to me and my happiness, but they are 💜

anyway, that was a question about alta, and I made it into a love letter to my people, but you know... the people get me through!

I could cry at what kind of a gift this is from him to the entire gaming community - and especially those who play video games with a heart to make their own.

I truly, truly mean it when I believe the future of entertainment will not come from big institutions or corporate conglomerates, but from everyday artists like you - yes, YOU! Truth be told, it always has been that way - we've just forgotten that.

Now, a man who has directly helped pioneer and shape the modern industry by the sweat of his own brow wants to show you some things he learned completely free of charge because he wants you to make something amazing.

This is something that's been on my mind for a while. I'm going to talk about this based on my own experiences and personal thoughts. This may or may not be the case for others, so take it and use it as simply my advice that may or may not be different from others.

My opinion: it is not only impractical, but also impossible, to perform witchcraft with a calm, still, blank, neutral, or peaceful state of mind every time and at all times. In fact, I think it is downright counterproductive and even hindering.

My magic works, because I pour so much of myself into it, and my emotions and feelings and states of mind are all parts of the package. My spells work, because every one of them carries a bit of me in it, and that includes me mentally and emotionally.

I'm going to give you an example dear to my heart here. One year ago, a very close friend of mine suddenly lost someone whom she'd known her whole life. A dear friend of hers died very unexpectedly and tragically in a car crash, and when the shock wore off, she was a puddle on the floor. She sought my help, because she desperately wanted to cope and to move on. So I brought her into my sacred room, cast a circle around the two of us, and the first thing I did was to give her a safe space to cry and let it all out. And I shedded my own tears with hers, because seeing my friend whom I love so much in such grief broke my heart. Then I performed my part of the ritual, and left her with instructions to perform her part. Later, after everything was complete, she came to me and told me that she was "back", that she had let him go, and that although she would continue taking her time to grieve for him, she was able to go on with her life and move forward from there.

Mental health professionals everywhere have their bits to say about human emotions. They will tell us that suppressing and refusing to acknowledge emptions is not healthy and not beneficial to anything. Humans are emotional beings. Emotions make us human. Our emotions make us who we are and give us our powers. Emotions are natural. Repressing emotions is the unnatural thing to do. Being as empathetic as I am, being able to feel so much and so deeply may sometimes feel like a curse. But over the years, I have learned to channel this ability and use it to help others.

There are witches out there with chronic illnesses and mental illnesses, for whom moments of complete and total tranquility are few and far in between. Negative feelings and emotions aren't all "bad". All positive all the time is simply not realistic. There's always going to be a balance, a contrast, a yin and a yang. As we mature, we learn how to process and moderate our negativities. For me, with the help of medications and therapy, I'm able to keep my negative feelings and emotions from consuming me and taking over my life. As a witch, with time and experience, I've even learned how to use them to my advantage.

Yes, there are times when I do need to "clear" my mind. There are times, when self control is a necessity on my part. Divination is the main case here. But this is a skill that's taken many, many years for me to hone and master. Mental clarity is not always without effort and control. When impartiality is called for, I am able to compartmentalize and put everything in my mind on the back burner. For my readings and interpretations to be accurate, objectivity is a priority. And if that means momentarily "emptying" my mind out and letting myself be in the state of a shell, well, it works for me. It's how I know that divination is my niche.

Allowing myself to naturally feel and emote is what fuels my magic. The fire in me is what makes me the artist that I am, and the witch that I am. If I were totally chill without an ounce of madness in me, I doubt I'd be successful at being either.