#almostboyfriend

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I've always loved people. I use "love" meaning that I love being around people, I love listening to and talking with them, and my favorite times have always been when I'm surrounded by the ones I care about the most: my friends and family. But I also love in the sense that I truly love people. My family, my friends, I love them with all my heart, and I would do anything for them.

I don't know if that's why when I fall, I fall hard, but I do. Even when I know nothing will come of it, even when I know that the person I love doesn't feel the same way about me, I can't help myself.

I read an article on Elite Daily recently, and it might seem silly, but it was the most heartbreakingly honest article I've read in quite a while, which might be because it pertains to my situation. So I've decided to write a letter to this guy who is constantly messing with my head... even though I know he doesn't necessarily mean to. And I'm going to do it here.

Side Note: I should have done this a long time ago, and if I'm being honest with myself, it's probably the main reason that I started this blog, to get my feelings out in the open. Even if no one ever comes across this, just knowing it's out there in cyber space. Well, I'm hoping it helps.

You,

I always think about writing this letter, but usually it's because I'm mad at you, so it never feels like the right time. Whether I'm mad at you because you came in wearing the same shirt you were wearing the day before, or you said we would do something or go somewhere and we still haven't, or just because I'm frustrated with myself, frustrated because I can't stop wondering what we are, but I'm too afraid to ask.

Our... whatever you call it... can make me go through emotions like no other aspect of my life. When we have a great conversation, or when you say something cute that hints towards the future, I get giddy. Then you turn around and start texting and I get confused and angry. Not necessarily at you, sometimes I'm just mad at myself. Mad because I don't have the guts to lose the friendship that we do have, so I don't ask questions or say things when I should. Mad because I know I shouldn't care about you as much as I do, because I know you don't think about me as much as I think about you, but I can't seem to stop myself.

You're in my head. All. The time. and there's nothing I can do about it. Do you realize how frustrating that is? Dreading Friday afternoon and constantly spending my weekends waiting for Monday, just so I can see you again? It's pathetic. I know that. But it is what it is.

I know you don't care the way I do, I know I'm not your "boo," no matter how naturally it sounds when you call me that when you're asking how my weekend was. I know I'm not because you're not a part of my weekend, or rather, I'm not a part of yours.

It's hard to sit back and wonder why I'm doing this to myself, and I can lie to my girl friends all I want and say, "I have nothing else going on, why not have fun while it lasts." But let's be honest, you got to me. Somewhere between the coffees and the lunches, the winks and the kisses, the casual talks about weekend trips and the moments when I let you see me be vulnerable when I try not to let anyone else, you got to me.

You're like a Taylor Swift song (i know you don't like country, but she's pop now so it's okay), messing with my emotions and you don't even know it. We might as well call you Drew, because if I had a guitar the teardrops would definitely be because of you.

You may never know how I feel. It's also quite possible that you do since I have no poker face whatsoever, but either way, I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay because I love people. And even when you break my heart, which is inevitable, I'll find someone new to love. In the meantime, I just have to hope that the next person loves me to.

It’s hard to be in a place where you’re hanging by a thread with someone. It feels like you’re always one step forward and two steps back with him. You don’t know if you need to keep chasing him or it’s better to just let him go.

In your heart you know you want to keep holding on. Stick it out. Maybe this time things will finally be different. And he will finally see you in a way you hope him too. But as days turn to weeks turn to months, you know you’re only holding on by a thin, thin thread. Hope is frail and in your mind you know you should let go already. But also somehow, you still can’t totally make up your mind to actually do it.

Which is why you need to pray. To ask Him to remove the person from your life, to ask that your feelings for him be gone. To ask Him for strength to actually stop waiting around for him. Because even when you don’t want to admit it, you know you and him being together is a lost cause. And you are better off single than always waiting around for a guy that will never make up his mind about you.

All my feelings for you were real. ~

Margarita A. Contreras

What we had wasn’t out of convenience.

I received so much shit from people telling me that I was fooling myself, that I was only looking for a temporary source of happiness, and that ultimately, I was courting heartbreak while we were seeing each other. But let me tell you this: it wasn’t out of convenience at all. You weren't my "in-the-mean-time" boy, I believed you were the boy, but it just wasn't the right time. We wanted different things and had different dreams.

I had to make a choice.

The whole point of being in a relationship is to help each other grow as people. But what we had was doing the exact opposite. It was difficult being stuck in the grey area. I never knew exactly who or what I was in your life. Ang labo na masyado. What I needed was assurance—that you were just as invested in us as I was—and that was something you couldn’t give me. It was a difficult choice, but I had to make one—and I decided to be selfish and choose myself and my happiness.

It was hard to move on, but look at us now.

I'm not going to sugarcoat this—it was hell trying to move on from you, because I never got the closure that I believe I deserved. You see, because we were never official, I was never sure if I had the right to demand for closure. But look at us now, we’re both leading completely different lives, when at one point, I thought it was impossible to live mine without you. Maybe I will never get that closure I wanted so badly, because maybe, it would be better that way. Or maybe we'll see each other unexpectedly one day and things will be different.

Everything I felt—from the day I met you to my final heartbreak—was real.

We may have a had a pseudo-relationship, but my feelings for you were real. Whether or not yours were, I will never know. But know that mine were—completely.

I don't regret anything.