#allkindsofpassion

Having Kanda’s soft hot lips on his was reassuring. However much he worried during the past year or so, it looked strongly like he hasn’t fucked it up as much as he thought he did. His stomach tightened pleasantly, to the point he almost felt weak. He grabbed Kanda’s arms tightly, groaning into their joined mouth when the man just pressed them flush together, then threading his hand through Allen’s white hair.

He felt so impossibly aroused. After freeing the inky black strands from its hair tie, his hands slid up Kanda’s shirt and he was glad to find the man appreciated it when he scratched his back with his blunt nails not all that lightly. In response, Kanda cupped his erection through his pants, rubbing forcefully, and Allen felt a shock run up his spine with surprising intensity. Surprising because it was so obviously just teasing. They both had loose clothes on, the man could easily slip his hand under the layers if he wanted.

“Kanda, fuck… I’m not really in a state when I can take this, you know,” he breathed against the other’s lips, gasping when the man didn’t even pause what he was doing. “Try” was the only answer he got.

Kanda took off both their shirts and Allen caught him on immediately checking on his wound. Even if he tried to do it discreetly. But left it at that, seeing as the man seemed satisfied. The bandages he wore before were gone after all, angry-red marks with stitches the only thing left.

Kanda’s hands traced his chest and stomach as they kissed, hips grinding against each other. But soon the man detached himself from him, tugging at the band of his pants, seemingly deep in thought. And Allen couldn’t place it, but his expression looked unsure.

“What?,” he breathed, half-expecting not to get an answer. He was playing with the long hair now; like he has always wanted to. It was really beautiful, but he had to wonder – why have Kanda never cut it? It was probably getting in his way more often than not after all. Though he couldn’t say he was complaining, it suited the man. To an absurd extent, actually.

“Nothing, shut up,” Kanda mumbled after a while. And before Allen could even think of any reply, he swiftly went down on his knees.

“Oh, fuck… Kanda, no, I really―,” he tried to stop him hastily, but Kanda pulled his pants and boxers down, purposefully ignoring him. No. Allen couldn’t take this. He was just going to embarrass himself by coming in seconds, probably. Just thinking that Kanda was about to suck him off was almost enough.

But Kanda didn’t really know what he was doing. Though he wasn’t about to show it. Not that he was ashamed he never sucked anyone off, no. He just really, really wanted to make bean sprout feel good and―

He glanced up at the albino who was watching him with a helpless look on his face, but quickly shifted his gaze back down. He placed his hand around the hard cock before him, moving rhythmically and just observing until Allen moaned, making his own erection twitch impatiently. Regretting he didn’t take off his pants before kneeling, he rolled them down his thighs, much like he did with the bean’s and then just― stuck out his tongue, licking the head of Allen’s cock before he could change his mind.

The taste wasn’t the best in the world, though still not exactly unpleasant and the musk was making blood rush to his head with every inhale. So he did it again, this time applying more pressure. A short groan he earned for that encouraged him and he took the tip into his mouth experimentally, swirling his tongue. That wasn’t bad wither. He tried bobbing his head then, attempting to take the cock deeper in each time, all the while watching not to use his teeth.

When he finally tried sucking, Allen twisted his hands in his hair with a loud, very satisfying moan. So he continued, the slurping sounds not bothering him as much as he thought they would. Not with the arousal that was flaring through him insistently. Curious, he tried looking up and what he saw were unbelievably hazy eyes observing him unblinkingly, frequent pants escaping the albino’s lips. He actually groaned at the back of his throat at the sight, surprised as the vibrations of his voice very clearly excited Allen. He realised he forgot about moving his hand at some point and quickly resumed it, massaging the part of the shaft he couldn’t fit into his mouth.

Finding himself unable to break the eye contact by now, he sped up his ministrations. His free hand moved to his own cock, tugging harshly and his jaw was actually starting to hurt a little, but he was – surprisingly – too into it to just stop. Even as the albino tightened up visibly, on the verge of climax.

“Kanda, please… move away, I’m―” Allen tried to pull him away by tugging at his hair, but failed. In fact, it only made the man moan. It was all it took before the albino was coming into the wet heat engulfing him. Kanda tried to swallow as best he could and more or less succeeded, fighting the need to back away, inhaling deeply through his nose.

“Fu-fuck,” Allen managed, banging his head against the wall as he closed his eyes shut. Because Kanda wasn’t stopping. Though he wasn’t as rash anymore, aware that Allen was probably over-sensitive now. He only backed away when the cock in his mouth went flaccid, the body before him uselessly sliding down the wall until both men were on the same level.

One stared at the other for a moment, both flushed and breathing raggedly. But then Allen made himself move, taking his clothes off all the way past his feet before he crawled across the floor. He clung to Kanda, kissing him lazily, the fact that he could taste his own cum only making him pull the man closer as he dazedly touched his face.

“Just― just let me get close to you. Please,” he mumbled mindlessly into the man’s mouth, staring him right in the eye hopelessly and then felt Kanda stiffen at his words. He almost regretted speaking up that instant, but the next moment the man grabbed his thighs, making their legs press together as tightly as the rest of their bodies in their not exactly comfortable kneeling position.

“How much closer can people get, idiot,” he answered in a voice that instantly reminded Allen they weren’t done yet. As if the impossibly hard erection digging into his abdomen wasn’t enough for him to realise that.

But sex wasn’t what he was talking about.

“I didn’t mean only like that, Kanda.”

“I know.”

And then they were just a messy heap on the floor, awkwardly dealing with the pants Kanda still partially had on.

“Fuck,” Allen groaned, his hand on Kanda’s cock. But the position he was in and the hard floor making him painfully aware of all his bones were so uncomfortable that he knew they couldn’t go on like this.

Kanda seemed to notice the problem, thankfully. “Bed,” he said in an almost commanding voice, Allen only murmuring a “yeah” before they scrambled to get up. He wasn’t even sure how they managed, really. Especially since they haven’t even detached from each other.

Clumsily walking backwards as Kanda steered them in the right direction, he unintentionally bit the man’s lip quite harshly and lapped at it with his tongue when he tasted blood. His victim didn’t really seem to care though and then Allen was pushed backwards before he even noticed they stopped.

The instant he landed on the bed, he brought Kanda back to him by pulling his neck, rejoining their lips. They kissed hungrily; Allen wasn’t satisfied yet, he decided. His weariness was quickly dissipating as he felt arousal slowly building again. Amidst chaotic caressing and grinding as they tried to touch each other everywhere all at once, a thought run through his head while Kanda was biting his neck.

“Lube...,” he groaned; long fingers squeezed his cock, fondling it insistently. Since Kanda didn’t seem eager to reply, he repeated. “We forgot about the―” It became clear the man ignored him more than didn’t hear the first time, because he interrupted him with obvious discomfort.

“Shut up,” he growled and quickly fished a bottle from under his pillow just above Allen’s head, shoving it into his face irritably. It rolled down to the mattress right next to his shoulder since the albino didn’t seem interested in catching it. He seemed to care much more about something else, in fact. Like the curious place where Kanda kept his lube or the fact it was half-empty.

“Using it much?,” he asked, laughing breathlessly when Kanda just scowled at him. He has had a feeling it wasn’t like the man had night guests over very often even before and especially now, so―

He pulled Kanda flush against himself by hooking his legs over his hips.

“Do you think about me when you―,” he murmured boldly with his face inches from Kanda’s, a self satisfied smile appearing when the man cut him off abruptly once again.

“No.” He tried to glare at Allen, a smallest hint of embarrassment on his face, but the albino’s expression didn’t falter. He just dragged his nails down his back, mumbling an amused “liar” before he ground their hips together aggressively.

He could just feel how much Kanda wanted him and it was, dare he say it, not really only physical. Allen haven’t been so at peace with himself in a very long time.

He blindly reached for the bottle that was abandoned right next to him and uncapped it, coating Kanda’s fingers thoroughly as he reached for his hand. The man didn’t really need any more instructions, but―

“Move your legs,” he grunted, biting his lips when Allen only moved his hips again. Fuck. He really needed to stop doing that, Kanda was trying hard enough to stop himself from tending to his own needs already, even without the bean’s help.

Meanwhile the albino had troubles processing why should he do something as stupid as that, but he understood as soon as Kanda tried to reach to his ass, but ended up― well, not really failing, but neither of them were comfortable with the angle. So Allen untangled his legs, just resting feet on the mattress and soon he felt two fingers enter him, groaning appreciatively. God, he really wanted that.

Kanda moved a bit to the side to be able to operate more freely and his erection was pressing against Allen’s hip now. He tried to just stay still like that, but it honestly hurt how aroused he was, so he indulged himself a bit, rubbing against the hot body under him.

Allen moaned loudly when fingers brushed against his prostate. Who were they trying to fool, really. They weren’t going to make it like that. He was already fully hard again and Kanda was just― beyond the point of being able to hold back. He felt it the way he moved against him and his eyebrows brought together in a deep v only further proved it.

“Kanda. Let’s skip that. Just fuck me,” he managed out hoarsely, sitting up abruptly before the man could even say anything.

He grabbed the bottle again and generously spilled the lube on his own hand in record speed. The swordsman watched him closely with eyes so darkened with lust they were almost navy now, unblinking. His tightly pressed lips parted silently when Allen messily slickened up his cock and Kanda inched them both forward, so that the albino’s head landed right on the pillow when they both fell back down on the mattress.

“C’mon,” Allen hurried him, his breath hitching when he felt arms curling around his thighs as Kanda positioned himself, his slickened cock pressing against him. They watched each other in silence, only breathing with lips almost touching and Kanda reached to himself to finally start inching inside.

“Fuck,” Allen groaned brokenly, his eyes shut tight.

The sensation of being stretched wide, the searing hot erection completely inside him, was driving him crazy. He moaned as Kanda bucked his hips only a little, experimentally. He couldn’t say it didn’t hurt, but fuck, pain never felt so good before.

“Move.”

“Why do you― talk so much.” Kanda tried very hard to sound irritated, but he failed terribly, barely biting down a groan as he did what the albino told him to.

His thrusts started off slow and shallow. The tightness and heat were making him feel overwhelmed, the pressure so intense it was almost too much. But, hell, beneath him Allen was moving so impatiently that he couldn’t possibly continue like that for long.

Digging his fingers harshly into the muscled thighs, he bent down, his face burying into the bean’s neck. Panting against the soft skin, he attempted to match the pace Allen tried to set.

“Yes,” the albino moaned, fisting Kanda’s hair as that amazing spot inside him was hit head-on. He had to admit it was even better than he thought it would be. He wanted― no, he needed to feel it harder. “Kanda, please.” He was begging, he knew that. He just couldn’t bring himself to care.

They sped up, finally reaching that perfect rhythm when Allen pushed against Kanda every time he was sliding inside. Shameless sounds were spilling from the albino’s mouth in an endless string, to the point Kanda had to silence him with his lips, but then he was just moaning around the man’s tongue and he would lie if he said it wasn’t turning him on.

Allen clung to him impossibly close, with his legs and arms wrapped tightly around his body, his cock digging into Kanda’s stomach. And the thrusts turned so forceful and deep that he could feel it even in his fucking toes. He sucked and bit the swordsman’s tongue, their kiss turning so messy it was probably a mistake to even call it that by now. Dangerously short on breath, Kanda finally had to withdraw a little and then they were just touching, mouth open, Allen’s moans melting against his lips.

“So loud―,” Kanda groaned, long since unable to form a complete sentence. And then Allen just twisted himself impossibly to reach with his hands to the man’s ass, groping it as if to make his cock reach even deeper into him. “Fuck” was probably the last word Kanda still knew how to properly spell as he scooped the demanding albino up into his arms, driving into him aggressively without a pause. The mismatched hands clawed at his back before abruptly moving to tangle into his hair, messing it up impossibly, Allen attempting to engage them into a kiss again.

Being pressed as tight as they were, Kanda wasn’t even sure how they still managed to move, but they just kind of― rolled together, the albino so into it that he actually started quivering. His voice became high-pitched before he lost it completely, just gasping against the swordsman’s mouth shakily.

Allen felt like he lost his mind, but made himself open his eyes with awful difficulty, just in time to see Kanda’s face twist in ecstasy, flush dark against his pale skin. A deep groan spilled from his lips as he gripped the albino’s hips with bruising force, spasming as he was coming while buried deep inside him.

“Kanda,” Allen moaned, his breath hitching as he bucked his hips as best as he could, wanting to prolong the man’s pleasure, all the while kissing a messy trail up his jaw.

“Sh-shit,” Kanda managed, his voice trembling as he exhaled. He still moved inside Allen clumsily, knowing he wasn’t finished yet. But he realised it was no good like that. So he detangled from the albino just enough to reach to his cock trapped in between them, sliding his hand jerkily as he tightly wrapped it around.

He kept that up when he couldn’t thrust anymore, Allen all the while staring at him with unfocused eyes, his pants hot against Kanda’s lips. And then the albino stilled suddenly, not even breathing as he reached his climax, spilling over his own stomach and Kanda’s fist before his body slumped, all the tension disappearing from his muscles in seconds.

They didn’t even budge for a very long moment after the swordsman slid out of him carefully, breaths impossibly uneven, eyes droopy but unblinking. Deep silence stretched lazily as both of them were slowly regaining senses.

And, suddenly, Allen laughed; his arms hanging loosely around Kanda’s neck.

“Are you broken?,” Kanda snorted.

“Sort of,” he replied, kissing him languidly for a while before continuing , their foreheads almost pressed together. “I guess I wanted to try bottoming more than I thought I did.”

Try? Good. Kanda wasn’t the only one first-timing here. He found that strangely satisfying.

“You were a complete slut.” He tried to scowl, but Allen only threw him a sickly sweet smile at that. Not exactly fake since he was in too good of a mood for that, but it was still enough to make Kanda’s eyebrow twitch irritably.

“Why, thank you. If you’re trying you convince me you didn’t like it, you can stop now, because I won’t believe that.”

“I see you act like yourself again.” Kanda clicked his tongue. Aggravating was what he meant, but he couldn’t deny having Allen’s bratty self back pleased him in the most complicated kind of way.

“Oh, you missed me. That’s so sweet, Kanda,” the albino said mockingly and to that the swordsman pushed him harshly back on the mattress. Though Allen’s embrace kind of ruined it for the man and they both fell on the sheets, tangled.

“You can get out of here now,” Kanda mumbled against his lips almost rolling his eyes, though it had no real bite to it.

The bean’s uniform was in a really bad shape so he didn’t hesitate to fully open it by force. The shirt hidden under was soaked with blood, but he tore it all away, separating the clean upper half when he was done. He wrapped it around the wounded abdomen. It should help at least a little bit.

The albino’s breathing was getting worse rapidly and Kanda knew the situation called for a quick decision. They had to contact Head Quarters right away and, without Timcanpy, a phone was needed to do that. That already said, the only choices were the two stations they were stuck in between. Kanda guessed the distance to each was fairly similar, so he concluded it would be stupid to turn back and chose going ahead to their stop instead. It sounded all nice and simple, but―

“God fucking dammit,” Kanda growled internally.

He squatted over Allen’s hips, his front facing the legs. Trying not to think how he was kind of shoving his ass into the bean’s face, he reached with his hands to Allen’s arms. Then managed to pull at them in such a way that the albino’s chest rested on his back, white-haired head lolling uselessly over on his shoulder.

“Fuck,” he cursed once more, this time loudly, and carefully stood up. He had to remain bent down as he did so not to let Allen slide back to the ground.

Sure enough of his balance, he risked letting go of Allen’s arms and instead grabbed the underside of his knees. A small, relieved breath escaped him when nothing bad happened and he tentatively straightened his back. Not all the way though, the bean couldn’t really hold his neck after all.

He could insult and belittle Allen all he wanted, but he didn’t have a single thought on leaving him behind. And he did things like that in the past – with Finders, mostly. This was different though. Kanda couldn’t even fathom the idea of going ahead alone. Even if just to get help. Though the only help he could count on was probably the Order, there wasn’t even any village on the way to the station that he knew of. That’s why his goal was ultimately the station. And he knew he still could go there alone, but he just had to be sure. Had to have bean sprout under his watch.

Even hurting all over, he would go as far as to say getting the brat under professional care was the only focus he had that moment. And the feeling was strong enough that, even having difficulties walking himself, he had to resist the urge to start running. In fact, he only managed to do that because he knew that no one, not even someone like him, had enough stamina to run about twenty kilometres straight. With an unconscious person on their back, no less.

One step after another, it didn’t take too long for what he was doing to sink in. He was unreasonably risking both their lives just because he refused to part with the wounded exorcist. Felt this need to do what he felt was best for the albino, not the most practical.

Fuck. Wasn’t that exactly the same as what Allen has done just a while ago on their last mission? And many times before that, in fact.

Weren’t they both just hopeless.

That and he normally would think more of his own state. Because maybe he couldn’t really die, but the pain was always real. The pain which he would just wait out if he was alone, letting his seal do the job. Because his side and head were really killing him. He also felt some minor cuts and gushes. Never minding that, he walked.

Getting used to how he was constantly hurting, he managed to speed up after a while. It was really dark, however, so he couldn’t move too fast anyway. He had to observe the ground.

Allen’s breathing accompanied him and he tried to focus on the fact that it was still there, not on how erratic it was. With the bean’s head resting on his shoulder, he could also feel the feverish heat radiating against his own skin. But it was going to be okay. Okay. It had to be.

All the while he was stubbornly telling himself that the albino can’t hear about this. About the way Kanda was abandoning any reason right now. It was just―

He knew perfectly well it wasn’t like him. He was supposed to be the one focused solely on the mission and the current task was to come back and report. He could have just done the shirt trick, could have remembered the train wreck position and tell the Order to come back for Allen. There wasn’t any need for more. It really had only slightly less chance of success than what he was actually doing. And that’s only presuming Kanda could pull it off not losing consciousness on his way to the goal.

If Allen got to know about this― He hated Kanda for not caring about people enough. So what would he think if he could see him now? He would probably look at him with those mind-reading eyes of his, wanting to know why he was treated differently. But even Kanda didn’t really know that. There was no way in hell bean sprout would get to solve it first.

Kanda was surprised to discover that things like that no longer mattered after two hours of walking. He walked, and walked, and walked and the panic steadily coursing through his mind haven’t lessened at all. His own breath was getting increasingly heavier. The wounds he had might have healed a bit by then, – maybe closed at least – but the blood he have lost wasn’t going to come back so fast. His head was spinning and arms were going numb from forcefully clutching Allen in an unchanging position. He didn’t want to risk rearranging his hold, because he didn’t trust himself to keep going if he disturbed the balance he had.

Driven by the thought of how short the remaining distance was compared to what he had left behind already, he quickened his pace again. At this point he could imagine literally nothing worse than passing out before making it to the station. How would the situation go then? He had his golem, so the Order people could locate them any moment, but how much time had to pass before they even noticed something was wrong? I would have probably been too late for Allen. That just couldn’t happen.

He was so damn glad for his habit of observing through the train’s window all the time. Thanks to that he knew his surroundings well and he was sure he had done right when he strayed deep into the forest. It ought to be a shortcut. And it turned out it really was, thankfully. But among the trees it was even darker. Kanda could also feel that his senses have dulled. He needed rest and time to regenerate. Badly. But half-conscious walking through that big, overflowing with flora and fauna, forest wasn’t going to give him any of that.

He honestly should have predicted it couldn’t end well.

Sudden, intense pain shot through him as he felt a sharp metal pierce through the muscles of his calf. He cried out loud, caught off guard and almost let go of Allen, but fell to his knees instead. He only clenched his teeth and dug his fingers into the albino’s thighs for a while before he could start processing what has happened.

He got himself caught in a fucking bear trap. It didn’t make much sense since there weren’t any bears in England, but Kanda just blamed the idiot who had dared set it.

The only upside to this was that the agonizing pain has made his mind clearer in a way. He really needed to hurry. Fuck.

He was still clutching Allen, no doubt leaving him some bruises that could serve as a friendly reminder of that fucked-up excuse of a mission for quite long. And he didn’t want to let go. Very much so, in fact. He felt like something bad would happen if he did. But he had to free his leg. No other way around it.

So he reluctantly released his hold, all the while remaining bent down in hopes that he could make it without Allen landing on the ground. His arms felt weak and useless as he moved them, skin unpleasantly tingling because of the numbness. In his position and with a not-that-light weight on his back, he couldn’t really look behind. He had to deal with the trap blindly. But he could do it. It was nothing compared to what he sometimes managed to pull off during battles. He just had to focus. Expertly calming his breath, he reached to his leg with both hands, wishing it wasn’t in fact as bad as it hurt.

String of nasty curses slipped out when he felt rust on the metal under his fingertips, but he didn’t let it stop him. All the difficulties didn’t matter. He had to keep walking whatever happened. He almost laughed at the thought. It kind of sounded like that nonsense Allen always spluttered.

His fingers got a hold of the two sides of the trap, trying to pull it apart. The first try only served to make the spikes dig deeper into his flesh and he had to bite his lip bloody to prevent himself from making any sounds again. Second try was more successful, but when the metal vice was halfway open, he almost let his grip falter once again. He took to holding his breath, covered in sweat, eyes clenched shut. But then, one last pull and a quick jerk of his injured leg that was really agonizing enough to make lesser men faint and he was free. He inched a little forward on his knees, away from the trap and placed his hands flat on the ground in front of him, panting. Among all the other things, even his loose hair getting into his face irritated him as fuck.

Get up. His mind screamed at him while he tried to catch his breath. It took a pained whine-like sound from Allen to make his body move.

The rest of the way was all a hazy blur. His mind registered later events in nothing but a few bright flashes. He knew he somehow managed to walk. Then there was the station, people staring in horror. The two of them must have been a pretty grotesque sight – one almost-dead person carrying another. His goal was the telephone, but his legs finally gave out on him on the way. So he wasn’t entirely sure how he made it, but the last thing he was aware of was growling at Komui through the line.

“Bean sprout’s bleeding.”

#$%

Kanda had died there.

According to Komui at least. He could hardly argue with that. He knew well enough how dying felt. It wasn’t like it have never happened before. And the fact itself really didn’t bother him much. He was as used to it as anyone could ever get – not that many people could pull off dying and then living on like it was nothing. What bothered him were the circumstances. He explained Komui as much as he actually had balls to spell out, which was a bare minimum, but he still admittedly didn’t want to have to repeat that. Ever.

He didn’t regret helping Allen, no. But one thing he really wanted was to fucking keep it all a secret after all. From everyone and the bean sprout himself especially. Because―

There was more people than he could count that he didn’t care about. And lucky few that mattered for him. Allen was beyond all doubts in the second category, he could admit that much. But so were Lenalee and probably Lavi and then some others, too. But could he really do for them what he did for Allen? It wasn’t even only a matter of a mindset, he fucking forced his broken body to move to help him. He felt the weight of that fact so much that something changed in his thinking slowly the more he thought about that. Having Allen almost die on him has flipped some kind of switch he wasn’t sure he wanted fiddled with.

As he was struggling with that in his forced free time during the hospitalization, all kinds of doubts drifted through his mind. Like – was caring so much about another person actually healthy? The thought of how he had first woke up came back to bother him frequently. He could still taste his panic, his fear for Allen’s life. And then the immense relief when he had noticed that bean sprout was right there, in a bed right next to his. And alive, no less. After that, Kanda had gone right back to sleep. Almost as if that violent, emotional reaction had drained all the energy he had managed to restore up until then.

Second time he opened his eyes, probably few hours later, the Head Nurse was in the room. She obviously came to check on the still-unconscious Allen and was fiddling with some medical equipment that Kanda wasn’t even able to name. But whatever it was the she was actually trying to do, it didn’t seem urgent and that fact alone told him that Allen was going to be fine. So he didn’t intend to ask about his state, there wasn’t any need to.

However, when the elder woman has finally noticed her other patient was awake, she sent him a look that made him feel busted – as if she knew his every thought. And he didn’t say anything. Why in hell would she look at him like he just did the most fucking heart-warming thing ever? He was just… watching.

“Is something the matter, Kanda?,” she asked with a little smile. Kanda felt his eye twitch at that.

“No.” He clicked his tongue, turning in bed to face the wall and not her.

He had always felt uncomfortable in her presence. Since ever, really. With how he practically grew up in Head Quarters after fleeing Asia Branch, the woman had plenty of time to get to know him. And, over the years, has come to think of herself, dare he put it this way, as his grandma or something. Though it really was apparent only in private.

“Is that so?,” he heard the question filled with bemusement and immediately hoped she would take her leave in a matter of few minutes and just let him be. He couldn’t have been more wrong.

“Lie on your back if you would,” she demanded and then manhandled him as she pleased, most likely knowing he wasn’t going to listen to her anyway. After tearing the blankets away from him, she started rewrapping his wounds. “How are you feeling?” The inevitable question came after a while.

“Never been better,” he gritted through his teeth, but she just smirked at that. What came next was a conversation he probably wasn’t going to ever forget.

The Head Nurse never asked questions. She was the kind of person that just did their job and did it good. Kanda admittedly liked that about her. She gave off an aura of the same kind of dutifulness that he himself sported. That’s why he simply couldn’t understand why in hell would she choose that particular time to change her usual behaviour.

She asked him what has happened to his leg at first. And no, that in itself wasn’t what aggravated Kanda the most. It was the way she had been looking at him. Like she was, uh, proud? Or even worse. Whatever that could be.

He haven’t even considered telling the truth and quickly barked some made-up stuff about a level two with metal teeth – a story that sounded pretty legit in his own ears, but his efforts were fruitless. She could obviously tell when he was lying. She always did. But it seemed it wasn’t at all what she wanted to talk about anyway.

“You really saved Mr. Walker here. I think you should know that.” She gestured at Allen with her head as she said that. “You were… too out of it” – dead – “to see it, but we had to react quickly for his condition not to get too serious.”

“It’s just a bean sprout,” he mumbled what he considered a safe response. The ‘Mr. Walker’ part was the only thing he felt he could address.

“Your pet names don’t really concern me,” she laughed, shaking her head at him. The way it was worded could be about how Kanda called people in general, but he somehow knew it was about how he and Allen were always insulting each other just for the hell of it. “It’s good to see you care. Very relieving.” The last part was muttered under her breath, but that somehow made it even worse.

When she moved away from him to leave the room with a smile and a reassuring “he’ll be fine,” Kanda wanted to start throwing things at her. Instead he just grumpily muttered “it’s fucking fantastic” and, again, turned around to face the painfully perceptive woman with his back.

Almost a whole day has passed after that and Allen had yet to wake up. Bet even in Kanda’s eyes, untrained in such matters, he appeared much healthier already. He stopped sweating and his face looked better. Meaning his normal pale, not pale like the dead. Though the soft neck brace he had on worried the swordsman a bit. He hoped that whatever happened to the bean’s neck, haven’t been made worse with how he had carelessly carried him around.

As for Kanda himself, he felt quite fine. Physically. But in all honesty, that was hardly a plus. He had never though such a day in his life would come, but he didn’t really―

He kept convincing himself so vehemently that he should reject Allen once and for all, make it a closed case. But at the same time he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Like moments prior, when the bean was having his jealous fit – breaking him down would have been so easy. He could have told him whatever he wanted. Hell, he even could have lied that this damned George smartass had really fucked him and that it was amazing or something.

Well, no, not that. He was pretty sure saying something like that would burn his lips like acid, but that was beside the point.

The point was he just felt a twisted sense of pride that he was able to bring Allen to such a state. Worse even, he hit him just to calm him down, aware that spiting insults was probably hurting the bean more that it did for Kanda to hear them. Being called a slut didn’t really affect him much, he felt it was kind of appropriate with how much his body needed sex at this point. And especially since the other exorcist’s behaviour did not only make him feel flattered, but also admittedly more than a bit turned-on. It was just so fucked-up. He was fucked-up.

Though he supposed it was time to face the truth that he wasn’t any kind of deviant and his body didn’t in fact abnormally crave sex in general. It really craved Allen. Just Allen. But that wasn’t any better, no. Not even the tiniest damn bit.

Regardless of his opinion, that fact itself was painfully apparent looking at how repulsed he was by this George fuckass. He initially assessed him to be the type to just stare and do nothing besides maybe saying something distastefully obscene. So he thought it was safe to stay outside – out of the situation the bean fucking brilliantly got them in. Kanda underestimated the guy though. He flexed his hand at the thought of him. His skin has already started to heal, but the wounds on his knuckles were still visible enough for him to study them with distaste.

George tried to get Kanda to follow him to the back of the house by telling him there was a bench he could sit on as he waited and that he was about to go back to his work anyhow and could no longer ‘entertain him’. He was all the while flashing him smiles that were probably supposed to be sexy or something, Kanda wouldn’t know. And the only vague thought on his mind as he let himself be led was that Allen was probably going to flip it when he finds out Kanda is not really waiting for him. That in itself was enough for him to go. He have felt like they needed a good fight to get all the problems out of their systems and act civilized with each other again.

Though he didn’t really mean to make Allen explode with this emotional kind of anger. It wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Then again, he blamed George for that. It couldn’t end well when the guy ditched his work to start hitting on him. Especially since he somehow managed to take his ‘do you want to lose your dick so much?’ as an invitation, only laughing that he liked rough guys anyway. Kanda’s fist was surely not the kind of rough he was expecting though. And the swordsman really did give him a chance to save himself, he received a last warning when he grabbed his ass, but didn’t listen. And Kanda was so nice as to give it only because exorcists weren’t really supposed to mess civilians up like that.

Well― the truth was he still have probably punched him a bit too hard. But that was just his own fault for calling Allen a ‘weird looking loser without balls’ behind the bean’s back. He could tell that to the albino’s face if he had to – Kanda always thought of talking behind people’s backs as a sign of weakness. Though that probably didn’t excuse the way Kanda went out of his way to explain just before the hit that Allen could easily snap George’s red-neck person between his fucking fingers if he wanted to, but was just too nice to do that. And, well, Kanda wasn’t.

It was obvious that bean sprout must have walked in on them somewhere before the punching part and the thought didn’t really sit well with Kanda. It was hard enough they even went on a mission together with Allen in such a fickle state of mind.

He noticed something was wrong with him even before they departed form Head Quarters. He looked sad and tired and being aware it was probably his own, Kanda’s, fault was bothering the man more than he cared to admit.

And then this.

Honestly, he felt like going back to Dukeshill just to punch George again. They didn’t need this. It couldn’t do them any good – the way Allen almost bled his feelings all over him.

Though couldn’t it really? Kanda guessed it depended on what he wanted to happen, but he wasn’t sure what the answer to this question was.

He searched Allen’s face for some kind of hint, eyes lingering for a moment on the bruise contrasting way too much with his fair skin.

Couldn’t the bean just punch him back? Really. It would have made things so much easier. Kanda, in fact, generally thought that it would be nice if they could only fuck and fight, not stopping to think about emotions or attachments. And it wasn’t even like he didn’t care about Allen. It was only that he wished he didn’t – for the sake of convenience and peace of his own mind. Because it really wasn’t easy the way he wanted to turn a blind eye, but still saw the feelings he was pretty sure the albino had for him. He refused to name them, but it didn’t make him as immune to them as he would have liked. Hell, he couldn’t even honestly say he really wanted Allen to redirect his interest – he often repeated that he wished for it in his mind, but he knew his reaction to something like that probably wouldn’t have been any better than Allen’s to George. Very likely worse, taking Kanda’s temper into account.

His mind was such a mess, wasn’t there an easy way to just fix that?

Giving up, he let the matter rest unsolved. If thinking things through led to nowhere, he could as well stop, focusing on a much simpler task that was just watching.

It was apparent that Allen’s rest wasn’t all that peaceful. The couple of hours since he had closed his eyes he didn’t change his position even once, but his expression wasn’t as relaxed as one would expect a sleeping person to have. His eyebrows were a little scrunched up, lips slightly pressed together. One of his hands was even balled into a loose fist. The only normal thing was pretty much his steady breathing.

It was unsettling in a way. It didn’t suit the bean sprout to be like this and Kanda admittedly felt a bit of guilt stirring inside of him, even if he tried to ignore it. Anyway, he didn’t let his mind go there. Thinking about how Allen’s face looked much better when it was relaxed seemed a wiser thing to do. Though maybe not really. Wondering if he could do anything to stop his lips from pressing against each other – deforming each other – wasn’t probably all that safe.

He soon forced his attention to change focus again. A large forest was the only thing to be seen through the window for some time now. He knew very well where they were. He liked to remember the road each time he travelled by train and he went in every available direction plenty of times, so it was obvious for him they were about forty minutes away from the next stop – their stop. Thinking about that led his mind back to Allen. He would have to wake him, which wasn’t very good. He wished he could just leave him like that. Waking Allen up meant interaction after all.

“Kanda!”

The man thought that he had somehow, unknowingly, woke the albino up right then for roughly two seconds, but then was proven wrong in the most unexpected way as the door to their compartment suddenly slid open with a loud thud. It revealed a young woman, her face passive at first, but quickly twisting in horror.

Then it all happened in a flash.

The woman’s high-pitched shriek tore through the air, Allen’s cursed eye spinning furiously, Mugen slicing the already transforming Akuma in half. The albino wide awake, both exorcists immediately switched to the fighting stance. Weapons drawn, senses sharp, stupid communication problems between them instantly forgotten – at least until after the enemies are defeated.

“I can’t even count them,” Allen mumbled vaguely, brows furrowing in worry much more than they did when he was asleep. Kanda didn’t have to ask to know he meant there was a large group of Akuma out there.

They both moved to the aisle, quickly making a bunch of level ones dissipate into thin air. “The train’s full of them, but I don’t know what about people!,” the albino shouted over the bullets and explosions of the living weapons disintegrate, Kanda cursing nastily when the mayhem caused gaping holes to appear all over the vehicle’s roof and walls. “I’ll go check the drivers cab!,” was the last thing Kanda heard before Allen ran ahead.

He broke into a sprint, swinging almost blindly at the creatures that were blocking his path. Fuck. Why, why did he have to fall asleep. Being tired was not an excuse. They were on a mission, goddamit. He knew well enough that being an exorcist meant he could only rest while being in the Order’s quarters. And what happened to the passengers? Where were they? How many people have died? It was his fault, he knew that. His eye could have made it avoidable if he paid attention.

He quickened his pace. It wasn’t a time for thinking about this now. The machine operator could still be alive if the train was in the move. Allen hoped the severe damage the vehicle suffered wasn’t going to make it stop or anything. It wouldn’t be an easy task to move it off the tracks if it stopped – and collision with the next train to take their route was to be avoided at any cost . As he neared the dining car, the attacks lessened and eventually stopped, but he saw more than enough of Akuma’s stupid tricks to be fooled like that. When he burst into the large section, the creatures were still disguised as humans eating in peace, only to break into panic right when they saw him. Their obvious plan to deliver a lethal strike in the chaos of faked running away failed because of his eye. He didn’t hesitate. Not even as some, in reality long since dead, little girl looked straight at his face, crying. His only focus was to save those souls, he couldn’t afford thinking about anything else.

Driver’s cab was already close, he could hear a laugh through the hollow cries of the level ones. Destroying the last of them, he leaped forward to slide the door open.

His jaw tightened when he saw the situation inside. The operator, very likely the only living person around besides him and Kanda, was pale, gagged and sweating. With eyes full of terror, he tried to look at Allen’s figure over his shoulder without moving his head too much. Because he couldn’t move, of course – the smiling creature standing next to him was threateningly resting its sharp claw on his throat.

“Oooh, an exorcist!” The level two would probably clap its oddly shaped hands in joy if one of them wasn’t occupied. “Let me guess, wanna save the fatty here?” He pointed at the man with his ridiculously long chin, laughing loudly. “I don’t know if I should let you, you know.”

“I’m not talking terms with you, let him go!,” Allen growled with his heart in his throat, ready to attack at any given second. He was warily observing the shaking man, too, praying for him no to do something reckless like people tended to when in a crisis situation like this.

“Oh no, you’re so stiff. And you have no consideration for me, too! I have my orders!” The creature moved its free hand to place it over where a human would have a heart. Allen tried to calculate his options, but there was nothing he could do now. The Akuma had to make a move first.

“Don’t worry, you won’t live long enough to receive any punishment for disobeyment,” he said evenly, but the creature just smiled creepily.

“You think so?,” it asked in a suddenly deeper voice and Allen could do nothing as it just jerked its hand, sending the man’s head to the floor. It charged to attack in the exact same second, when the albino’s full of horror eyes were focused on the decapitated man. A loud “we’ll see about that!” rang in his ears as he let it sink that he just failed to save yet another person and suddenly the situation changed.

The Akuma moved so fast. It didn’t waste the moment of surprise it created, burying its claws deep in Allen’s stomach and sending him flying through the demolished aisle coughing blood; before the exorcist could retaliate. He only stopped when he hit something with enough force to make him breathless for a moment, ending up in a messy heap on the floor. But there was too much adrenaline coursing through his veins for him to properly register the pain when the initial shock wore down.

He cursed in his mind, aware it was dangerous to fight in such a cramped space with a close-range enemy like that. Even if he preferred the contact himself.

With that in mind, he managed to climb on the roof of the still-racing train, immediately moving away from the level two following him. His steps were careful, mindful of the gaps that could make him fall right back inside.

The Akuma charged in again, but he easily blocked the attack with his sword, immediately kicking the enemy away. It moved rapidly, all the time trying to fool him with feigned attempts to attack, but he wasn’t going to be taken by surprise again. Using Clown’s Belt to hold the not expecting enemy down, he quickly finished it off, unmindful of his ragged breath.

He registered sounds of battle not too far away behind his back before he could even calm down and turned around only to see Kanda climb on the roof. He have probably finished all the level ones off by then, but was still dealing with an another level two, though obviously winning since the creature was trying to run away from him. The swordsman’s loose hair was flying everywhere when he moved in all his furious glory. Allen smiled minutely at the sight and was already going to join in and help him when the train suddenly lost its fluent movement, rattling threateningly.

And Allen had only had enough time to curse himself for being stupid enough to forget what the operator’s death meant before the train just derailed. It collapsed to the side with an indescribable noise and then the wreck was sliding down a small slope – both exorcist trying to grab anything but at the end getting tossed around like useless rag dolls. Weaker trees broke from the impact as the train hit the edge of the forest, losing its momentum completely.

Allen opened his eyes with difficulty when everything stilled, clumsily crawling his way out of the wreck he somehow ended up inside of.

“Kanda!,” he called urgently, managing to get up on his wobbly legs and forcing himself to run along the train to where his companion should be, panic clouding his thoughts. He almost cried in relief when he found him. The man was having a coughing fit, back resting on what was left from the vehicle.

“Shut up, I’m fine,” Kanda said trying to appear like he had everything under control, but the blood sliding down the side of his face kind of ruined that image for him.

“Sure. You don’t have a hole in your head either,” Allen mumbled and wanted to laugh, but sudden dizziness overwhelmed him, his legs ceasing to support him. Corners of his vision became blurred and the last thing he saw was Kanda’s face against the background of a night sky, his long black hair tickling his cheeks.

Having finally reached the Dukeshill Station, they had to walk mere twenty minutes or so to reach the village of the same name that was mentioned in the Akuma attack report. It then took them maybe an hour to locate the target and the danger itself was dealt with swiftly, but the two young exorcists, surprisingly enough, soon found themselves in trouble of another kind.

“I really insist. You saved my youngest son,” a middle-aged woman said to them, her lips trembling as she still couldn’t stop crying in relief. She was proposing them a meal and a place to stay for a night – even though it was barely late afternoon. Her hands were resting on a little boy’s back as he was hugging her leg, sobbing loudly.

It just so happened that the Akuma was disguising itself as one of young girls from a nearby orphanage and the woman’s son was about to be its next victim. And as Allen took the boy away from the scene and Kanda pierced the Akuma with a quick slash of his sword just moments prior, the woman fell witness to it. Or at least the part when her son was already safe in the albino’s arms and the ‘monster’ did no longer resemble a little child – skipping the part when any moral doubts would appear.

Allen tried to refuse as politely as he could, but the woman was truly insistent and he admittedly was a tiny bit hungry. Plus he kind of wanted to agree just to spite Kanda who obviously didn’t want to go, so... they settled on the meal only. The swordsman merely scowled as a comment.

As the woman calmed down a bit, she took the boy up in her arms and begun to lead the way. The kid was silent, warily watching both exorcists with a hint of fear and Allen really should have paid more mind to it and quickly back away. The woman was by then trying to make a small talk though and was successfully distracting him.

“Are you two travellers by any chance? We don’t see people from outside the village often. If anyone passes through here, they generally stay in one of the inns near the station,” she said, trying to force a small smile, but her hands were still shaking a bit, wrapped securely around her child’s small body.

“You could say so, yes. We travel to do our job,” the albino explained vaguely, not wanting to disclose too much.

To that she stared at his scar and hair, making the young male only slightly uncomfortable and then also eyed the exorcist uniform he had on as if she only noticed it right then, pressing her lips together. Before speaking, she also glanced at Kanda that was walking a few metres behind them with a displeased grimace on his face to make sure that yes, the other man wore a similar clothing as well.

“I see.” She nodded and then fell silent for a moment, making the albino wonder if she ever heard anything about the Order, but he didn’t plan to inquire.

He was glad their destination wasn’t far away, because the villagers were staring at them unashamedly and, no matter how he tried, he never got used to drawing so much attention. “We’re here,” she said as they approached a small, but seemingly well-kept house with a tiny garden. Allen thought it was nice and voiced his thoughts, making the woman smile and nod humbly. “I’m heading inside to put Sam to sleep, he has to calm down. You can come in whenever you want to, I’ll make dinner soon. I left it almost ready when I headed out,” she said, absently caressing the boy’s brown hair. She seemed to be pondering on something and when Allen wanted to once again thank her for the hospitality pretty much just to break the sudden silence, the woman did it herself. “George! George, come here!,” she called.

“What is it, mother?,” a voice could be heard from the other side of the house and a young man approached them shortly after, wiping sweat from his brow with the back of his hand. His breath was slightly quickened and Allen thought he must have been working before his mother beckoned him. He could only guess what he was doing exactly, but he wasn’t dirty with soil or anything, so chopping wood maybe? He looked strong enough for a task like that. He was tall, tan and probably not much older than Allen himself and if the albino wasn’t already head over hills for one god-tier-good-looking swordsman, he could probably call him handsome.

“We have guests over for dinner today.” She looked over at both exorcists before adding hesitantly in a small, shaky voice “they saved Sam from the monster.” As she said that, her older son eyed them curiously, clearly not needing any details on what ‘monster’ it was. Allen guessed that people were aware that their fellow villagers weren’t disappearing lately just by a mere coincidence. Probably someone already fell witness to the Akuma appearing before. His interest could have been piqued by it, but something else quickly became his main concern.

As this George guy was looking at them, it took him barely seconds to seemingly forget about Allen, focusing solely on Kanda. The albino would have thought nothing of it, really. Normally it would be a nice change from people constantly staring at his own face or hair and in Kanda’s case it wouldn’t even surprise him. Because let’s face it, how many guys out there had such a long hair? Not mentioning an Asian person was quite a rare sight in England. But it didn’t look like a mere curiosity, no. He was plainly ogling him. Feeling his jaw tighten, Allen tried throwing the man a nasty glare, but it went unnoticed. George’s mother said something right then before disappearing inside the house, but he barely heard her, too busy fuming silently. Instantly forgetting he was kind of ignoring Kanda, he turned to him with a stern expression.

“Let’s go in,” he said, blood boiling when he noticed the swordsman was looking at George as well. It was akin to a glare, but then again, how often was Kanda friendly or at least neutral. Whatever it was, it didn’t change the fact that he only turned to face Allen when the latter spoke up.

“I’m not hungry. Go play hero by yourself if you have to,” he scoffed haughtily and Allen clenched his fists in helpless anger.

“I’m not―,” he begun, but was quickly interrupted.

“Shouldn’t you let him do what he wants to, little fellow?,” George spoke up confidently, sending him a victorious smirk. Allen honestly wanted to wipe it off of his face with his fist, fierce jealousy licking at his insides. But no, he wasn’t one to act like that. He turned back to Kanda instead, stubbornly staring him straight in the eye for a moment, but the man only grimaced, folding his arms on his chest.

“Fine, suit yourself,” he said gravely, teeth grinding as he took the few steps separating him from the house. His politeness was the only thing stopping him from loudly shutting the door as he left the two men alone outside.

He honestly felt like not seeing Kanda for a while, prospect of the ride back to Head Quarters heavy on his mind. Somewhere at the back of his mind, he was trying to reassure himself that the swordsman will surely tell this George bastard to fuck off if anything comes to pass, but he hated himself for these thoughts at the same time. It seemed like a big part of him was desperately clinging to Kanda, trying to convince him that everything really had a chance to work out between them just fine. Had it really, he wondered.

He suddenly felt like agreeing to the woman’s proposition was the worst idea he had in a long time, but he still headed inside the house, quickly finding kitchen in the small interior. He vaguely thought he probably should stop doing things just to piss Kanda off, it wasn’t benefiting him in any way. He was not going to go back on his word though, the woman just wanted to thank them. Besides, he was going to leave as soon as he ate. It was better than waiting for the train doing nothing anyway.

“Oh, it’s you. Sit, please,” the woman said as she noticed him, gesturing to a small table with four chairs around it. “Where is your friend?”

“He said he’s not hungry. You will have to excuse him,” Allen put on a brilliant smile and nodded in apology, taking his seat quietly. It hit him again how tired he was, his thoughts felt clouded.

“Oh, I understand.” She smiled back, probably not even noticing that, in whole truth, he wasn’t all that cheery at the moment. He felt like laughing. It would be really nice if he could cog himself so easily, too.

The woman busied herself with preparing the meal for a moment. Allen could tell she was trying to come up with a topic to entertain him somehow, but was failing miserably, clearly embarrassed. Now that he thought about it, she reminded him of Miranda a little. In normal circumstances he would probably make a small talk himself, just to make her feel better, but he really wasn’t in the mood. Suddenly the woman’s attention was turned away from him.

“Mommy.”

“What are you doing here, Sam? I told you to rest,” she said, her voice filled with concern as she stepped into neighbouring room from where her son was calling her in a hushed voice.

“Make them go away, mommy. I don’t like them,” a frightened, childishly indiscreet whisper could be heard.

“What are you talking about, silly?,” the woman answered, but the albino could tell she sounded worried. He stood up from the table, knowing what was coming. Honestly, what was he doing? He knew well by now that exorcist’s work was very rarely appreciated. He shouldn’t bother these people.

“They turned Sally into a scary monster. Where is she, mommy?” The boy started sobbing quietly and there was silence, his mother probably lost on a way to react. After a while she exited the room with a frightened expression, her hands trembling as she faced Allen, lips parted to speak. “I―”

“I’ll take my leave, “ he said, bowing to her respectfully and heading out before she could utter anything more.

He was getting mad at himself. They should have just headed right back to the station. And it was entirely his fault that they strayed to this place. His self-hate only doubled in intensity when he didn’t find Kanda in front of the house. George was nowhere to be seen either and it made it even worse.

A really bad feeling was creeping its way to his chest. Something was telling him that if he could find George, Kanda would be there, too. His first and roughly only guess was the backyard of the house. It didn’t feel right to go there with it being a private property. And what’s more it was safe to say he wasn’t much of a welcome guest anymore, but―

Throat tightened, his mind got confused between anger and apprehensiveness. Surely he was just overreacting. Even if Kanda really was at the back with George, there wasn’t anything wrong about it. That was what he told himself. And then his throat went dry when he heard a saucy laugh as he was getting closer. It was undoubtedly George’s and Allen felt anxiousness mix with rage. He realised his dark thoughts were probably a pretty good guess at what was happening, but he still went white on the face as he saw the scene.

Kanda was standing with his back to him, posture gathered as it always was, but the other man was close to him – too close. Their bodies were almost touching. He was just leaning in to whisper something in Kanda’s ear, his cocky smile suddenly widening when he saw Allen watching. The albino was ready to intervene, to punch the bastard, not caring what Kanda could think or say. He didn’t expect George’s next move though. Looking straight into widening silver eyes, he shamelessly grabbed Kanda’s ass, his mouth moving, getting closer to the man’s ear. And then the swordsman just― turned his head a little, saying something way too quietly to be audible for Allen and he could stand no more. He bolted away from the house, through the village, only losing his speed when he saw the shape of the station appear down the road.

“Fuck,” he cursed to himself, legs giving out and he just let himself fall on his ass, hiding his head between his knees, hands tangling in white strands. His heart felt painfully heavy.

He didn’t want to think what Kanda whispered back to George. He didn’t want to know. He feared to know. He thought before that he trusted Kanda to push the man away, but then why would he even let the guy get so close to him? Did he find him attractive? Was that the real reason he didn’t want to come inside? To stay outside with George? Allen never once took Kanda for a person who could just share his body with anyone, but what if he was mistaken?

Questions were running in his head chaotically and his mind was helpfully supplying him with the worst of answers.

Fingers tugged at his hair painfully. He knew he should stop thinking like that. Kanda surely was going to head to the station soon. He just had to wait.

He kept telling himself that, but there was no way to know it for sure, was there? Unwanted images kept appearing in his head and he suddenly though of how ridiculous he really was. He was being irrational, Kanda wasn’t his to be possessive of. He owed him nothing. He didn’t need his approval to do anything. He surely didn’t even care what Allen thought about him.

Allen’s mind shortly went blank and he just waited. And waited, and waited, immune to the chilly, autumn wind. After what felt like far too long, he got up and directed his steps to the station.

He couldn’t be sure, but looking at the setting sun he guessed they had about half an hour for they return train to appear. He didn’t even care if Kanda was going to show up anymore. With as much time as had passed, it was obvious to him what occurred between the swordsman and that George guy. He didn’t want to look at Kanda knowing that. Mainly because he felt like he couldn’t trust himself with what he was going to do. He just―

Was he really imagining things all this time? Did Kanda really think nothing of him? His mind was screaming at him to give up. To just forget he ever felt anything to his fellow exorcist. Well― if it really was that easy... His chest constricted painfully for the nth time since he ran away, thoughts growing more bitter with each passing second. He wasn’t even paying attention to his surroundings anymore and wasn’t sure how he suddenly found himself sitting on a bench at the station, eyes staring off into space absently. He felt hollow, but one little thing was enough for his blood to suddenly start boiling in helpless rage.

“Bean spr―”

“My name is Allen for fuck’s sake,” he spit, sharply turning his head to where Kanda was standing, obviously displeased he’s been interrupted when he had something to say. But Allen didn’t even care what it was. “You finally showed up. Had your fun?” Words just spilled out and he made no attempt to stop them.

“What?” The swordsman had the nerve to sound like he really didn’t know what the albino was talking about.

“I’m asking if you enjoyed him fucking you.”

“What the fu―”

“Can you just stop that?” Clenching his jaw, the younger male stood up abruptly, glaring right into hardened blue eyes.

“Stop what? Who are you even talking about? George?” Kanda already had the angry scowl on, venom showing in his tone, and Allen didn’t pay much mind to how the swordsman practically spit the last word.

“Yeah. George,” the name rolled out of Allen’s tongue with contempt. “I didn’t take you for such a slut, honestly. How long did he have to convince you? Two minutes? Five? Or maybe you asked him to?” The albino just felt so fucking desperate. Was he not trying hard enough all this time? Or he really had no chances from the start and Kanda was just playing with him for the sake of it?

The younger male’s time for self-pitying was up when, without any kind of warning, a fist landed on his cheek, making him stumble back a few steps. He automatically touched the place with his fingers, feeling the unsteady rage quickly evaporate. The only feeling he was left with was uselessness.

Shoulders slumping, he turned his face away from the man he sometimes wasn’t sure he loved or hated and sat back down on the bench heavily. He didn’t speak up, he didn’t feel like it. Kanda wasn’t eager to interrupt the silence either and as a result they just waited for the train in silence, Allen’s cheek slowly swelling and changing colour.

The albino took to observing the ground with unfocused eyes. He only broke form his trance when Kanda’s boots appeared in the centre of his vision after a while. The man got closer to the edge of the platform to watch the train approaching.

“You should go to sleep when we get in, you look like shit.”

To that, Allen only let out a short humourless laugh, deciding against saying he honestly felt even worse than that.

#$%

It was unbearably tense and quiet between them as they were sitting in their compartment. Kanda was stubbornly looking outside the window like he usually did, leaving Allen to stew in his thoughts. Among all things, he knew Kanda didn’t do anything wrong. He was also aware he deserved that punch and even more than that. A thought crossed his mind that the swordsman didn’t get more violent out of pity and it was hard to bare, even if highly unlikely. There was no chance for him to win the man over like that, he had to get a hold of himself, it was not a time to break down.