The days bleed into each other down here. Central sends in someone new everyday but they all ask the same things.

Where is Kanda Yu?

Allen will never tell them, he’s hidden them far out of the Order reach. It’s all he can do for them now, and it’s a secret that will die with him.

What did you do with Alma Karma?

Freed them; hopefully.

—

Allen has seen the tortured souls of the Akuma for six years now. He had sworn his life to fight them, to serve the Order.

The Black Order dedicated to stopping the Earl and eradicating the Akuma.

Kanda isn’t an Akuma but his creation was so much like one. A tragedy, a soul forcefully given new life.

—

It’s dark and musty in the cell he’s placed in. He hadn't even known the Order had jail cells.

With his sense of direction and the size of the new Headquarters maybe he would’ve found them under different circumstances.

His arms ache, bound together for days now with the seals from the Crows. He leans heavily against Timcanpy’s large form. Allen remembers when he was younger and slept against Tim like this all the time.

He’s glad that with the golem here, he isn’t alone.

Especially since Tim has tried to bite anyone attempting to move the golem out.

—

They bring in meals. His stomach aches and howls loudly for food, but Allen still refuses to eat.

He doesn’t trust what measures they’ll take to get him to talk.

Where is Kanda Yu?

He doesn’t know. He really doesn’t know.

—

Sometimes when Allen dreams, when Mana isn’t cheerfully tugging him along a long narrow road, calling him by a name he can never remember. Though Allen is certain it is not his own.

He doesn’t like those dreams.

No, sometimes he sees Alma and a woman whose name he doesn’t know.

They sit in a pond, the calm water spanning with of infinite reach. He stands at the edge of water. Lotus blooms swaying as they call for him to join them while they wait, their beckoning is so welcoming.

Whenever he wakes, he always wants to cry. He doesn’t understand.

Where is Kanda Yu?

He’s gone. I’m so sorry. —

He never stays in one place long, Allen can't risk getting detected. Not by the Akuma or The Order.

Inhale.

He’s so fucking exhausted, his feet have been numb for an hour. He wonders if it’s sweat in his shoes or blood this time.

Exhale.

Too many innocent people will get hurt if they get too close to him, Apocryphos will do anything to get to him.

He has to keep walking. —

The moment Allen’s eyes landed on Kanda, several thoughts and confusing emotions occurred simultaneously.

First, the disbelief. The heart-stopping shock, paralyzing him.

Which is then followed by one of the most intensely nauseating floods of butterflies that begin fluttering in his stomach.

Because Kanda was right there! He was okay, as surly and beautiful as always.

Then following quickly behind that was anger.

Why the fuck is Kanda wearing that uniform? He’d survived, and went back?! Is he stupid?

Scratch that, Allen knows Kanda is stupid. He’d just thought he would’ve at least had more sense than this.

He had been free, he had the love of his lives returned to him. Yet, there he stood just mere feet away. It made no sense at all.

And fuck, he definitely can’t let Kanda know it’s him if he’s with the Order. He is a “fucking Noah” now, as Kanda had so eloquently stated during their last battle.

—

“What did I just say about being too rough!!” Johnny shouts at him and Walker yelps in discomfort, Kanda just tunes them out as he forcefully scrubs away the chalky white face paint. He doesn’t want to dare to hope. That it’s really Allen and not the imposter daring to wear his skin.

Until Walker swings his leg up, cracking Kanda in the back of the head with it. The impact of it is strong, but he remains above the brat, and keeps him pinned against the cobblestone.

“Are you trying to rub my face off, Kanda, you jerk!!” Stupid beansprout’s stupid fucking flexible legs. Pain spider-webs out from where Allen’s knee connected against his skull. It exacerbates that hangover that is slowly chipping away his brain.

Kanda stares down at Allen. His eyes are a brilliant silver, and so clearly irritated. Smeared paint covering his face. His mouth is stained red.

And all Kanda can think is. It’s you. It’s really you.

—

When Allen wakes up next the moon is high in the sky, the room he’s in is dark and quiet. The only sound is the slow sleeping breath of his two unexpected companions.

Johnny is in the bed across from his own, he has fallen asleep with his glasses on just like Allen used to see him do when he’d stop by the science division sometimes. He snores every once and while.

Kanda is on the couch, his elbow propped on the armrest, his head resting against his hand. Mugen is placed across his lap, like he’s in a position to be alert quickly.

He’s happy Kanda’s alive, but looking at him..hurts. Allen is used to looking at Kanda and feeling conflicted to say the least, but now seeing him here is extra bittersweet.

Because Kanda is fragile now. Allen knows he can die, realizes that fact and feels it in a visceral way.

So, Allen takes this moment to look at Kanda. Like really look at him while he’s got the opportunity.

Kanda’s hair has been returned to its original inky black, now neatly tied back into a low ponytail.

There’s no trace of the cracks that once made him look like a dilapidated statue.

Allen has always held a begrudging respect, even admiration for him. Though he’d never admit that to the bastard’s face. Kanda has always been a person Allen has seen as not needing his protection, he was more than capable of taking care of himself.

Allen remembers when Kanda had been teaching him to sword fight, after he’d first learned to summon the ark. Kanda had seemed so untouchable to him back then.

He always sneered in the face of danger, absolutely fearless and always came out on top. Strong and prideful, ready for a fight at any moment.

But those parts of Kanda no longer seem like a strength that he feels he should aspire towards.

Not when he knows exactly how Kanda even came to be the person he is now. When he knows intimately the pain and countless guilty, blood stained hands that made up Kanda Yu's very existence.

How many times has Kanda fought himself into the grave, just to piece himself back together than get up to do it all over again?

He had been curious once, just how Kanda could heal so quickly. Thinking about it now makes him feel sick. He hates knowing that a place he once thought of as home could be capable of such horrid things. Though Allen supposes that it was always the people that had felt like home, not the place.

Not like that matters anymore. It’s not like he'll be going back there. He’s not even sure he’d want to.

“It’s creepy to stare at people while they're sleeping, Walker.” Kanda says, “Shouldn’t you be asleep anyways?”

He jolts at the unexpected voice, “Motherfuc-“ Allen catches himself before he can finish the curse. Flicking his eyes over Johnny first to make sure he hadn’t woken him with his outburst.

He hears the huff of breath through Kanda’s nose, the closest approximation to amusement he ever gets to hear from him.

Then he looks back to meet Kanda’s now open eyes this time.

Allen doesn’t think he’s ever heard Kanda laugh, like actually laugh. At least, not this Kanda, he doesn’t want to count the younger Kanda he saw in Rhode’s trap. Those memories with Alma were never his to touch in the first place.

“Shut up..” Allen grumbled, embarrassed to be caught mooning over his apparently not actually sleeping companion. He flops backward onto the inn bed, but tilts his head to continue to look at Kanda sitting across from him.

“Is there a reason why you look like you were thinking so hard you were going to pop a blood vessel?” Kanda pauses for a moment, considering. “Either burst a vein or start crying like a baby.”

“I wasn’t going to cry!” Allen says affronted. Because he definitely can not tell this jerk how just looking at his stupid pretty face tore his heart up into bits.

“Well, you do have a history of being a crybaby.” Kanda says, looking unimpressed.

He feels familiar irritation flaring up at the comment. “I do not!” Allen says in a harsh whisper.

Because he’s not! Allen cries when it is reasonable! And when you deal with such tragedies as an exorcist, of course he's going to cry!

“God...I can’t believe I almost actually missed your shitty attitude.” Allen muttered. It’s the closest admission he can ever give to how much it had hurt to think he’d never see Kanda again. It would’ve been worth it, for him and Alma to have been happy together finally. That didn’t mean it hadn’t made him sad.

Kanda scoffs at him, "You're still too soft, you know.” but he isn’t scowling.

Instead when Kanda says it this time, it doesn’t feel so mean-spirited. Not like it was that first time in Mater. Now, it’s almost fond. Like when he’d said he was glad Allen had been there, when everything went to shit with Alma. It catches him off guard, and Allen tries and fails to not let that mean too much to him.

Allen Walker hasn’t ever loved anything in a way that didn’t hurt. Why should this be any different?

—

Allen is too silent, yet his misery is still an oppressive presence. He doesn’t cry. He stares forward, empty and hollowed out. At least back in Mater he’d cried over that stupid broken doll.

Kanda wishes he would react. Wants him to scream, lash out, and blame him. It’s partly his fault the golem is dust now anyways, right? Since it intervened with Apocryphos because of him.

Kanda wants to say something to comfort him, anything.

But because he’s Allen goddamn Walker, the single most infuriating and stupid fucking idiot martyr to have ever existed.

He pulls shit like this.

Walker finally looks up at him as the ark gate summons below him. Allen sounds truly apologetic when says he couldn’t tell him anything, and then he smiles, that pathetic fake smile with his sad silver eyes.

A fury flares explosive under his skin, because no fucking way Walker.

The Black Order, death and Alma had not been able to stop Kanda from following Allen Walker into hell.

You’re not weaseling away that easily, you little clown bastard.

—

Kanda doesn’t even like him. Why can’t he just make this one thing easy for Allen, and get away from him.

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?” Allen doesn’t understand why he’s being so persistent.

If he won’t leave, then Allen will make him.

They have done this before, strike for strike, barb for barb. He may not be in the best condition to match Kanda in combat but Allen can be just as venomous as Kanda in words.

Kanda has always had a way of getting a rise out of him. Dragging out an unwilling and ugly honesty in him that he can’t stand.

And Allen is more than well versed in getting under Kanda’s skin in return.

“What’s it matter to you?! I’m just a fucking Noah, anyway right?! It’s not like you care!”

“You’re not a fucking—“ Kanda had been near shouting until he pauses and Allen is almost certain Mugen was about to make an appearance. But instead, Kanda closed his eyes briefly, breathing deep and pressed the heel of palm to his temple.

When Kanda opened his eyes again, his gaze was intense. But he didn’t seem angry at him, per say. Which was surprising, Kanda could always find a reason to be mad at him.

“You’re Allen Walker, an exorcist no matter what, that’s what you told Lenalee.” As he speaks Kanda takes a step towards him, and Allen steps back. “And you told me that you wanted to be a destroyer who could save.”

Kanda takes another step toward but before Allen can back away this time, Kanda snitches the lapel of his coat and drags him in close.

Kanda's eyes were burning as he glared hard at Allen. His breath is warm where it brushes his face. Allen glares right back, there’s nothing Kanda could do to intimidate him.

The thing about Kanda is that his eyes are the most expressive part of him.

And right now, he looks so fucking sad. Allen hates it. When people look at him like that.

“You’ve never given up on a fight before.” Kanda says, “Why should the Fourteenth be any different?” He almost sounds disappointed in him.

If Kanda hadn’t had a grip on him, Allen feels like he would’ve physically recoiled at that.

”You were the one who said—“

”I know what I fucking said, Walker! And I was wrong, okay!?” The hands that grip Allen’s lapels are shaking. “Cut the shit, sprout. I know what you’re trying to do, and it’s not gonna work.” His breathing is quick, panicking. Why is Kanda looking at him like that? It hurts. “Get it through your thick goddamn skull, I’m not leaving just because you love acting like you can handle everything on your own.”

“I don’t even want you here!” Allen’s voice is strangled, the lie dying in his throat. Leaving only the faltering protest behind.

Allen doesn’t know how to let him stay, because that’s just the first step of having to watch him leave for real. Maybe not today or even next month but Kanda will leave. Either in death or once he realizes that there’s no saving Allen.

“And you expect me to believe that?” Kanda tsked, “Usually you’re a better liar, Allen.”

He is stunned silent when Kanda calls him out so blatantly. Even more surprising though, is when Kanda uses the back of his semi-gloved hand to swipe under his eyes. Wiping the tears away with a gentleness Allen hadn’t conceived that Kanda was capable of.

Or at least, capable of showing to Allen. But in retrospect of everything he’s learned he doesn’t know about Kanda, maybe he should start preparing to continue to be surprised by him.

“Wow, even Bakanda can be sweet sometimes. It’s shocking, really.” He says. Mostly because he doesn’t know how else to respond to the way Kanda is looking at him. Allen averts his eyes, unsure of this unfamiliar kindness. He feels far warmer than the weather around should allow. This is terrible.

“Who the fuck are you calling sweet, crybaby.” Kanda scoffed, still more amused than truly annoyed.

“Am not!” Allen insisted, crossing his arms. “You just gave me a motivational speech about not giving up and you’re not even going to let me enjoy it, are you?”

Kanda steps away from him, ”You not giving up will literally help stop the hostile takeover of whatever brain you’ve got left.” He says, reaching out enough to flick the star that scars Allen’s forehead.

Allen reaches up to touch the cursed mark, frowning at Kanda. “See, that’s exactly what I meant. You’re no fun.”

“Shut the fuck up, Walker.”

“Aw, c’mon! At least call me Allen again. That’s much nicer.”

“I can stab you again at any time, you know.”

“Of course, you could. But BaKanda wouldn’t that be the opposite of helping protect me? And when we find him again, I’ll tell Johnny you’ve been bullying me.”

“God, you’re so annoying.” Kanda grumbled at him. “..Might be worth it, if it means you’ll stop talking, you brat.”

“Let it be known, most people find me incredibly charming.” Then obviously, to prove his point, Allen sticks tongue out at him.

Kanda looks at him, seeming very unimpressed and raises an eyebrow at him. “Right, and that’s definitely helping your case.”

—

Alma, would it be wrong to want to stay with him just a little longer?

Allen doesn’t want to be selfish but he just doesn’t think he can take it alone any longer. Alma would understand that better than anyone, wouldn’t he? Would understand all the love Allen keeps trying to smother before it can blossom out of his tender heart.

Please, Alma. Don’t hate me for this, Allen prays.

—

The train platform is crowded. He’s terrified to look anyone in the face too long. His eye hasn’t picked up any Akuma yet. That’s just making the anticipation worse. Allen knows they’ll come. The Akuma, the Noah.

Inhale. It hurts to breathe. Exhale. Is he blacking out? Oh fuck. He’s so overwhelmed with everything that’s happened.

Apocryphos, The Order, The Earl...Mana. Not to forget the demon clawing its way out from inside.

And then, someone grabs his hand. “Allen. Look at me.”

Inhale. It hurts.

Allen feels like he’s going to be sick.

Exhale. Allen looks at him.

“Take another breath, sprout.” Kanda says, squeezing tightly once. "You're going to pass out like that.”

Everything closing in to snuff Allen Walker out. Yet, Kanda Yu has remained.

This is the closest extended contact he’s had with someone that wasn’t trying to kill him lately. He doesn’t know what to do with his arms. He remembers when Kanda refused to shake hands with a cursed person like him.

Should he move away? He should let his hand go.

Inhale.

“Just breathe like me.” Another squeeze.

Allen is touched and also continuously confused by this softer side Kanda keeps showing to him. Before Alma, Allen wouldn’t have thought Kanda was capable of such things but now...it’s something.

Exhale.

He can’t say it to his face but he does need Kanda to know how much this means to him. Allen rests his forehead on Kanda's shoulder. Kanda tenses for a moment, his posture rigid and Allen is almost certain he was going to move away. But he relaxes instead, allowing Allen to cling to him.

His hair is soft against his cheek, and it smells clean. Maybe a little like flowers. He feels his heart beat a little harder in his chest.

“I’m really glad that you’re here.” Allen mutters from his hiding place against Kanda’s chest.

—

He sometimes wishes Timcanpy or Johnny were here too, then at least he could’ve pretended that this was just another mission. Missions with Kanda had been normal, not...whatever this is.

Running away together to..save him?

Allen’s eyes trace over the black lines down Kanda's arm from his own curse mark. He had removed the Order's coat once they’d settled on the train. Does he know that Allen despises seeing him in that uniform?

Kanda isn’t turned toward him, his gaze is following the scenery flying past. Kanda is still gently holding his clawed hand.

Exhausted, he finally shuts his eyes. Kanda will take care of him.

—

Awareness comes back to him slowly, creeping in gradually like the morning sun.

He’s so warm. It’s nice, after all the time he’d spent sleeping in alleyways dodging Apocryphos.

He hadn’t dreamt at all. Allen doesn’t even recall the last time that happened because even in his sleep he’s pursued by the Fourteenth’s fractured memories.

It really feels like the first time he’s truly slept in years.

Beside him, Kanda is still asleep. He has one arm propped on the train seat arm, like he had at the inn the other night. Which feels like a lifetime ago now.

His other arm is tucked behind Allen’s back. Kanda’s hand rests upon the place he had stabbed Allen in his rampage to fight Alma. The heat of his palm soothes the sharp ache of the healing wound on his hip.

Allen is somewhat surprised that he’s awake before Kanda. But then again, in between Allen’s consciousness being..inconsistent and Johnny definitely hadn’t been a fighter. It had been Kanda’s job alone to be on the defensive. He’d probably been just as exhausted as Allen himself.

Kanda’s face is relaxed in a way it never is when he’s awake. His breathing is slow and rhythmic, reminiscent of how he breathes when he’s meditating. Or guiding Allen though another panic attack.

Allen reaches up to brush the hair away from Kanda’s face, tucking the stray hair behind his ear.

Kanda catches Allen’s cursed hand before he can pull it away pressing it to his cheek, and when Allen looks up to meet his gaze, Kanda’s eyes seem unfocused like he’s still half asleep. Still dreaming.

“You’re still Allen..that’s good.” His voice is rough from disuse, but gentle in tone nonetheless.

“Y-yeah, I’m..still me.” Allen can feel his face heating up fast against his will, he will not blush just because of Kanda using his name like a person should. Absolutely not.

The grip on his hand slackens after that, and the heat that sweetly hums under Allen’s skin fills him with the urge to run, run away right now. Away from Kanda and whatever trouble this feeling is bound to get them into.

He’s already tried that though, and thus far has failed to shake Kanda off. Devoted as Kanda seems to be to making sure Allen is always in his line of sight these days.

Allen knows exactly how that feels. He's not exactly eager to let Kanda go again either. So instead, Allen tightens his grasp in return.

Running away together to save each other, maybe.