Embracing the Spectrum
Very few people know what they want to be in life. Some are told, some are forced, some are lucky enough to choose.
Happiness isn’t a choice. Expecting to be happy is unrealistic. Even if I do manage to achieve it for a period, Life will constantly laugh at me for it, and attempt to push me off my newly-acquired throne.
I’m not going to figure life out. No one ever has, and no one ever will, and I’m no different.
Should happiness be our expectation? Should it be our goal? Or is it futile, like the words written above so paint it to be.
Our expectation should be to be true to ourselves; our passions, our hopes, our responsibilities, our realities. The obligation of life shouldn’t be understood as an obstacle but an opportunity to learn about ourselves. New conditions force us to adapt, and we discover what we can do, what we can be.
No, I’m not going to figure things out. And if I ever think I have, that’s just a sign that life already claimed me as another one of its suckers.
Our true hope is to embrace ourselves in our entirety. Because without doing so, how you can expect to do the same with others? A world of facades, a world of walls, a world of saving face; that’s not for me.
Mark Twain once wrote: “Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.” Despite our society’s attitudes and (ironic) anxiety about mental illness, I believe these words to be true. A person’s sanity makes little sense to another, much like, as it so often the case, a person’s happiness makes little sense to another.
Do I want to be happy? Yes. Do I ever expect to be? No.
Do I want to feel fulfilled? Yes. Do I ever expect to be? I wouldn't still be alive if I didn’t.
Just as we've been shamed our whole lives for masturbating physically, we’ve been shamed for masturbating mentally. Not for sexual gratification or motivations, but for exploration and growth.
I don’t expect everyone to understand this process; I don’t believe I do either. But I believe in its importance, because without it, I’m not sure how to continue life. They say we only use 10% of our brains, but I’m convinced that it’s our minds that we truly underutilize. The capacity we have for emotion, for adaptation, for transformation. We change so quickly, and yet we’re often so convinced that we’re the ones that changed the right way. Without exposure to the full spectrum of ourselves and human experience, I fear we lack the ability to understand ourselves and, consequentially, to understand others.
I’m prepared to hurt. I’m prepared to cry. I’m prepared to smile, and I’m prepared to die. The one thing I’ll never be prepared for is to deny.
