I used to think I wasn’t deserving of affection and attention. I used to think I was unworthy of connection and investment. I used to think I don’t deserve love, on any level: romantic, friendship, or other wise. I spent my younger years searching anywhere and everywhere for any small morsel of reciprocation of all this overflowing love and affection that I have within me. That weighed heavily on my heart and soul. I took the love and attention from wherever I could, and that’s toxic.
Having had experienced loss, death, and grief at such a young age gave me a serious dose of reality.
Life is temporary; we are all temporary.
We only have what we do in our lives in the present—in this moment—to leave an imprint upon this world. I tried to make my mark on, and through others, because I never wanted people to experience anything like depths of my pain and longing. I used to be so afraid to be alone because it would always bring me back to those negative emotions.
As I begin to reach my 30’s, I have found myself intent on making sure that I am being kind to myself. Not that I was ever unkind to myself on purpose, but it was hard to find something good in myself for the longest time.
I am now starting to give that time back to myself that I spent searching outside of myself, little by little. I am starting to see more value in myself and for myself. It’s much easier to give love to others—on any level—when you find something of worth within yourself. I know I can be a bit much with strong emotions and energy, being very extroverted, loud... but, I will not apologize for anything that is elevating myself and the value and worth I wish to give to others. I spent too long in a dark place, mentally and emotionally, so I will spend my time making sure that I am doing okay in everyday I can. And, then, I’ll make sure to remind any of you that I interact with.
