and counting. I honestly don't know what I intended on typing here. I don't know what I intend on achieving. I don't know what to do. About anything.

I realized, I stopped writing because I lost the motivation for it. Not just that, but I lost the purpose for writing. I only felt comfortable writing about personal matters with one person and as soon as I lost that person, everything went to shit.

I suppose, that was the lesson I was to learn this semester. My motivation and purpose must come from within. It's hard to be honest with myself, especially since I like to cut myself down for being so "weak."

a pleasant realization, at that. Last semester, my first semester in college, had the theme:  "Beginning the Journey to Self-Rediscovery" 

All of the classes I took, opened up my eyes to life and the beauty in it. I learned a lot about myself in that semester. I gained more knowledge of who I am and how to shape the path I am currently traveling along. Academia is a wonderful tool, and it's great to have in the arsenal of "life's weapons," but we tend to forget the things that are most precious in life; we focus too heavily on academia. It's not a bad thing to focus primarily on academia, but losing sight of oneself is never a fair trade-off. 

On the beginning of my journey, I found myself asking a lot of questions; questions I had answers for and questions that I sought others out for answers. I re-learned what it was to feel happiness and how I can attain it independently (although, I still relied on others to feed my need and fill me with happiness). I began to see how, once steps are taken in whichever direction they're taken in, the path unfolds before me. I saw change and I did not welcome it quietly. I learned of the idea of impermanence and I began to apply that way of thinking to my daily life.

Last semester was amazing. I felt every emotion humanly possible and I connected with many astounding people as well. Things fell apart toward the end of the semester, but it fell apart because I felt as if I had no control over anything that had happened. Boy, was I wrong, but I didn't know any better. I was made aware of the idea of impermanence, and thought I was applying it to my life, but I wasn't; I was pretending to do so. I told myself, and others, that I was open to the idea, but I fought the inevitable every step of the way. "It's not supposed to be like this, I will fight until you tell me YOU DON'T WANT ME AND YOU DON'T NEED ME IN YOUR LIFE." 

I was made aware that things are inevitable, but I was not willing to change my outlook and my perspectives to live it. 

When this semester started, I had hoped for some sort of change in my favor. And at one point, it seemed possible, but I let my pride blind me from reconciling a situation I fucked up to begin with.  I read a couple of posts from last year and the beginning of this year, "what started out as curiosity, ended in tears." I found a post that made me ache so much inside. I am disgusted with that person I became. Regardless of the amount of pain I felt and the amount of hurt I was put through, that shit was NOT AND NEVER WILL BE OKAY.

I get it now, though. This semester is about me letting go and experiencing impermanence. So, dear friend, I bid thee adieu. Hopefully, life will bring us back together by chance and we will get back to the way we were, as friends. Unless you're willing to allow me more. But I must say goodbye, one last time. I'm sorry for my rudeness and I'm sorry I was not strong enough to just let everything go from the beginning. I hope, one day, you find it in your heart to forgive me. I love you, dear friend. You'll be in my heart always. Never too far out of reach. Take care of yourself, and don't forget to let go of the things you can't change. It'll take time, but I know you're strong enough to get through anything. I miss you and will constantly do so until we're no longer meant to miss each other.

Here's to moving on with life. After feeling as if nothing could bring me down, and then being dropped from the top of the empire state building as if I were the shit that a bird decided to shit out. Here's to impermanence and knowing that shitty situations don't stay shitty forever. Here's to love and it's many stages of growth. Here's to friendships that you hope will never die, but having to say goodbye because the hurt could kill you. Here's to life and all it's beauty. Here's to you and to me and to figuring out where we're all headed. Here's to me and finally allowing myself the pleasure of letting go. Here's to deciding to live life happily, but not through delusions.

How interesting! I'm extremely A.D.D. atm... I'm currently reading through poems written by local people and I was randomly reminded of this book I read last year. I only read 3 books last year, 3 more than the year before.

Green Angel, that's the book I read. It was pretty short, but it was a good read. I only remember bits and pieces, but the images engraved in my mind are very vivid. (: yay creativity.

I'm sleepy..

I had about 3 profound thoughts throughout my day.

The first occurred as I was trudging to work. It had to deal with how we are essentially alone in life, unique, but alone; how we always feel this need to fit right in with everyone else. It's not our fault, though. We're taught to blend in to avoid scrutiny for being different, but we are all different. So, why is it so hard to just be ourselves? We're presented with so many models of what others want us to be or what we feel we should be, but... We're never taught to be ourselves. Yes, we all must be taught to read, write, and comprehend, but when we get older, we should not have to deal with burying our heads in books or distracting our minds with movies or video games to "escape" reality. Our realities should be enjoyable. I suppose that's what happens when money rules everything.

My second thought occurred while I was at work. It dealt with my need to be the center of attention. I don't shout it out to the world as to how big of an attention whore I am, but I'm pretty up there. Almost diva status. Anyway, the thought itself reminded me of a photo that has circulated on my dashboard multiple times, by multiple people, I believe it read something like, "to be interesting you must be interested." Something to that effect. I don't think that's really true. I suppose the more curious the person, the more knowledge is gained. I'm not very up front with my curiousity because I feel it pushes people away. That's off on another tangent. Apologies. My main thought that stemmed from that quote was about how I'm not interested in anyone or anything around me. Not even myself. The only person I'm interested in is someone I shouldn't even think about, in a romantic way. I thought about my ex boyfriend and how I know pretty much EVERYTHING there is to know about him, but I'm not very interested in anything he's interested in and vice versa. I guess the main thing I got out of that was I need to start getting more interested in other people's lives because I fail horribly in that department.

The last thought dealt with both thoughts, in the way that I discovered a lot about myself and why things are happening the way they are. "let go of what you can't control" that's essentially what I got. And I'm actually trying to make an effort this time.

I had a wonderful yesterday. Bigot to bond with my brother, one of my best friends and my ex.

It was a nice change from my self-loathing and self-pity.

I missed you, though. A lot. -shrugsshoulders-

I was talking to another ex of mine yesterday morning. I was so sad and I felt so damn miserable. I talked out everything.. or well, I vented via txt. And it helped me to realize something, all I can do is wait on you. Wait until you're ready to talk to me, wait until you want me in your life. All I can do is wait and I don't mind waiting. Even if you only make room for me as a friend, I'm fine with that because... t least I'll still have you in my life.

M: I know I've asked you this before, but I was wondering... If I do go and dance for a studio, do you think I would be good enough to go places?

R: I could see it happening. If you dedicate time and work hard at it, I believe you can do really well.

M: really?

I woke up in a horrible mood on Tuesday. We did Insanity, and I just wasn't feeling it. And by it, I refer to the whole day, as well as the work out. I didn't do any of the exercises all the way through. So shame. I went home, ate ice cream, showered, drank my weight loss shake, camped on Tumblr for a bit, and sent texts to a friend to try and make me feel less horrible. I actually started to feel worse, but then it got better when I explained my sign. She said, "Wow, your signs are legit."