gaining clarity

at 5:01AM

That was the last time I received a text from you and honestly, I’m fine with it. I could tell by your lack of interest and short responses that something was up. I assumed what was up and it ended up being true. 

Initially, I was hurt. Initially I reverted back to “oh fuck, here we go again,” but here I am 5 days later still alive and learning to live with knowing you don’t love me the same way I love you. I’m here learning to live with knowing I’m not good enough for you. I’m here learning that although we could be phenomenal together, you don’t want me. 

And maybe I’m wrong. And maybe my viewpoint is skewed. But I’m re-learning how to live my life without you. 

“oh wow” 

fuck man. 

I didn’t tell you the entirety of the last dream you were in. I told you the beginning part of the dream. 

Here’s the dream as I remember it (keep in mind it’s been almost 10 days since I had the dream):

We were sitting at a starbucks, enjoying coffee. It was a nice sunny day out. I was staring at you while sipping my hot coffee, and smiling. You were sitting across from me, scrolling through your phone, and sipping on your iced coffee. I was observing you and framing the moment in my mind so ardently. I could not believe that you were 3 feet away from me. It was so peaceful and bright and I was happy. All the sleepless night I endure without you by my side, all the tears I cried because I wasn’t enough for you, all that time I thought I wasted hoping and praying that one day we’d make it back to each other, but knowing the chances were slim to none, all of it was worth it in that moment because you were 3 feet away from me and I felt untouchable, invincible, alive. All my dreams had finally come true because you were right in front of me, in the flesh and I had not longed for anything anymore. The world was right and everything was great.

And then it wasn’t. Your body language shifted from being opened to being closed, from happiness to pure hate. You slammed your phone down and it caught me off guard. 

“What's going on?” I asked, “What’s bothering you?”

You began almost yelling in a frustrated tone, “It happened again! This keeps happening to me! I don’t understand why this keeps happening!”

I asked, “What keeps happening?”

(in my text I explained that you began to explain what was going on, but I woke up so I didn’t know what was bothering you, but I lied or... didn’t tell the whole truth)

Here’s the part I left out:

You began to explain, “Sienna cheated on me. (or maybe you said lied). Why does this keep happening to me? First Kalena, now Sienna. Why the fuck does this keep happening?”

At this point, I woke up and my answer to dream you was, “Because you are meant for me.” 

But I had this thought in the transition from dreaming to waking. But I didn’t want to tell you because it just makes me look like a jealous creep. 

And as long as you’re happy, that’s all I care about. Even though my ego hates that you’re happy with someone other than me. 

-lesigh-

The rain didn’t make me think of you tonight. I was already thinking of you. But it reinforced all the happy thoughts I have of you. 

I’m worried about the next time we talk. I’m worried about what I’ll do or what I’ll say. I’m worried that I’ll give in and let you in again. I’m worried because I don’t want to lose you and that’s very selfish of me. 

God, I miss you. 

I don’t want to be played.  I don’t want to get hurt. 

I’m done with you until you come at me with more than the bullshit you’ve been dealing me. 

I love you, but I deserve you in all aspects of you. I love everything about you, even your flaws. So please, make yourself vulnerable to be because I don’t know what more I can do or how much more I can give. 

We talked about this recently, but I’d like to revisit this topic because I never got to fully develop my thoughts on this. 

I don’t know the exact reasoning behind why I’ve remembered that you love driving with the windows down when it rains, but I have and it’s something I always think about when it rains or when I get caught in the rain. 

I smile whenever I get caught in the rain because it reminds me of you. It reminds me of your smile. It reminds me of how at peace you are in the rain. 

It’s something that has stuck and something that matters because it’s something that you love. And I love the rain as well. Sometimes, when I’m feeling blue, I hope it’ll rain so I can go outside, get rained on and think of you. 

haha, why do i need the rain to think of you? I don’t really. You’re almost always on my mind. At least now. There was one year in which I didn’t think of you as frequently; 2014. I stopped trying to check up on you, I stopped trying. 

And now we’re here in 2015 and I’m back to being the sappy piece of shit I was four years ago. 

Well, not completely. A lot has changed since then. My heart has changed and so has my mind. The excitement I used to feel four years ago has now been infiltrated with anxiety. I still love you as much, if not more, than the amount I loved you back then. My head isn’t as confused, my heart isn’t as confused. It’s just, it’s hard to ignore the fear of rejection. Especially coming from you. -sigh-

I’m hesitant because I don’t want to go through the same heartache I felt back then. And most people would probably be like, “Uh, then you shouldn’t get yourself back into a position to be put there.”

Hell, if I was on the outside of this situation giving someone advice, I’d probably tell them that. 

But here I am, again. Vulnerable. Ready to be let down again. But I meant everything I said four years ago. I meant everything I have ever said. 

And even though it’s hard for me to say it directly to you, I would gladly risk everything I know and love for a fleeting moment of being with you. Because no matter how long or short an “us” would be, it’d be worth it. You are worth it. 

I’ve had a thought floating around in my head for a few years that I’ve been waiting for an opportune moment to tell you about, but there’s never an opportune moment, gotta make moments opportune. 

But I’m almost certain I’ve always loved you in the “more than a friend/best friend” capacity. And I don’t know why I’ve never shared these thoughts with you before, but when I think about it... it makes sense. 

I used to cherish every moment we spent together. I would get really jealous of your boyfriend (whoever he was at the time). Like, when you’d detach from “us” time to go chill with him, I’d be upset. But I always brushed it off as “I’m just jealous because the attention isn’t on me”

But why? Why would I crave your attention and get so upset and jealous? (not saying that in a negative way) But I’ve thought about this for quiet some time and like, with every (female) best friend I have ever had, I would get jealous when they weren’t hanging out with me or not giving me attention. And it’s because I have loved all my best friends. 

In some instances, I was more honest about my feelings toward my best friends than others, but either they didn’t feel the same way about me or I was too chicken shit to admit I loved them more than a best friend. 

And with you, I hesitate because I really don’t want to lose you. I have a hard time trusting people and loving people and being vulnerable, truly fucking vulnerable. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to fuck up. And I don’t want to get hurt. Of all the fears I have, getting hurt and the thought of getting hurt mortifies me. And rejection. God, I hate rejection. but with most people I brush it off and say “fuck you too”

But I don’t ever want to say that to you. And If I have said that to you black out drunk, I’m sorry. If I have ever said anything hurtful to you while I was black out drunk, I’m sorry. 

If I’ve ever said anything hurtful to you while sober, I am sorry. 

I’ve been sober for 12 days. and idk why I felt like sharing that. I’ve had urges to drink, but I haven’t given in. Being sober has helped me sort through my emotions. God, I miss you. It’s raining right now and feeling the raindrops on my skin makes me miss you. 

It's been pretty long since I've typed on this blog or even wrote anything intended to go to you. I've only had thoughts of you and questions about how you are and how life is treating you. I never wrote them down, though. I felt like I couldn't because it just hurt too much.

I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't write or text or call or do anything that had to do with you until I felt like I was ready. I have kept track of the days since I had last contacted you. It's been 33 days. I intend on keeping this streak on for as long as I can, at least until your birthday. But we'll see how that goes.

I've gone through many scenarios over a hundred times in my head, but those are just guesstimates of everything. I don't know where life will take the two of us, but I hope life takes you to where you want to be and I hope you get everything you want in life; every last hope, every last dream, every last "impossible" thing, I hope you achieve it all. You deserve the best of everything and one day you will have it all. You are meant for greatness. I hope you never forget that.

Until we are no longer meant to miss each other,

Last night, I cried myself to sleep. I was drunk and I couldn't stop thinking about you. I cried and cried because I miss you a lot. Anyway, I was finally able to sleep when I thought about work.

I thought about what could happen if I sent you a text. I thought that Sunday morning, you would wake up and see that I thought of you and that uneasy missing you and you'd let me know that you're missing me too. And then you would have come to my work place, out of the blue, to say hi. And I wouldn't have words, but i would have hugged you. And within that silent embrace, I would have found my voice again,

"I've missed you so much," I would whisper in your ear.

"I've missed you too," you'd respond in a whisper as well.

All the while, we'd be holding each other tightly and then, I'd grip you tighter and I'd say,

"I don't want to let you go."

"please don't."

"never."

And that's how I went to sleep happy. Because I knew that all this time, I've been trying to convince myself that "it's over" our love, our friendship, our existence in each other's lives. But in my heart I know that's false. I still love and miss and care about you. And even if you don't feel the same way, I feel like my love is enough for the both of us.

Even though I knew some form of that scenario could have happened, I knew it wouldn't because I don't want to take advantage of your vulnerability to get what I want. That'd be even more selfish than shit I've already put you through.

Anyway, it's four am. I need to sleep cuz I've got school and work today. Yay me. Lol.

I miss you so. I just can't seem to let you go. It's selfish of me, to believe you've held on too, but that belief keeps me going. I'm sobering up. I wasn't thinking about you, initially, but sadness that swelled on the surface, awakend the sadness in my heart. I saw a picture of all my friends that went out to celebrate birthdays. I was sad because I probably wasn't even thought of when it came to inviting people. And then I re-directed my sadness and realized how much I miss you. I went on your blog and saw the turmoil you're dealing with, but I forced myself to not txt or message you. 13 days. It's been 13 days since my last txt. I won't txt you. Not until my birthday. If I get drunk enough, I'll probably txt or I'll call. Who knows. Idk.

But this is me, typing to you to get it all off of my chest so I don't bother you. I fucking miss you. All I wanted to do after I saw that picture was to talk to you. Because I don't want is to end up like that, like them.

I miss you and I'm starting to believe that doesn't matter anymore.

But I know it does because in the depths of my heart, I know you miss me too. In the depths of my heart I know you love me too.

It drizzled lightly. Each raindrop that touched my freshly moisturized skin reminded me of you. It reminded me of how much you love rain. It reminded me of how much you love to keep your windows down when it rains. It reminded me of how much I miss you. It made me want to call you. It made me want to call and tell you about how I remembered that and how I miss you and how much all of this sucks. It made me miss your voice. It made me think of your smile and your laugh. Oh how my ears long for the slightest of your giggles. Oh how my body longs for the slightest embrace. Oh how my eyes long for the slightest peek at your soul. Oh how my chest aches for the slightest of your love. 

I wrote about it on my other blog.  LOL. I have too many blogs to keep track of. So shame. Xanga status.

I miss you so much. I'm sorry for your loss. I know that being sorry doesn't change anything. I know that I'm selfish for wanting to be the person you go to when you don't know who else to turn to.

I thought that you would reach out to me and tell me what's been going on. I mean, I assume that you assume that I know what's going on because I camp out on your tumblr, but I wanted you to tell me. I wanted you to open up to me. And I wanted to help you get better. Or help to make you feel better.

I know what it's like. Not completely. I haven't experienced the same exact situation, but I have experienced things similar. 

I'm sorry I didn't realize that you were reaching out to me that night. I'm sorry I'm so egocentric and stuck on myself. I feel horrible about it. I had a chance to fix all the stupid shit I did and I blew it to bits. I'm so sorry. :/

I don't know how I can make this up to you. Or if I can even kinda make it up to you. :/

I've been missing you a lot lately.  I can't go a day without texting you. My hope is that you don't forget that I haven't forgotten you. My hope is that you smile when you see my text, just because I thought of you. My hope is that you don't delete the message as soon as you get it.

I miss you, friend. I miss you, Love. I miss you.

I had a wonderful yesterday. Bigot to bond with my brother, one of my best friends and my ex.

It was a nice change from my self-loathing and self-pity.

I missed you, though. A lot. -shrugsshoulders-

I was talking to another ex of mine yesterday morning. I was so sad and I felt so damn miserable. I talked out everything.. or well, I vented via txt. And it helped me to realize something, all I can do is wait on you. Wait until you're ready to talk to me, wait until you want me in your life. All I can do is wait and I don't mind waiting. Even if you only make room for me as a friend, I'm fine with that because... t least I'll still have you in my life.