Aug 8
getting assessed for autism, bpd, and other disorders and whew Baby this shit i’d tough on your mental to be asked ~700 questions oftentimes repetitive ones and focusing and also the questions be hitting like omg
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getting assessed for autism, bpd, and other disorders and whew Baby this shit i’d tough on your mental to be asked ~700 questions oftentimes repetitive ones and focusing and also the questions be hitting like omg
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also been lowkey struggling w the end of chainsaw man because that was my comfort series for yrs and i… didn’t love the ending
it just felt rushed and like there should’ve been a part three with all of the events in the last chapter just fleshed out and stuff so idk but that’s not me saying i didn’t like the series, i love it so much
idk more yapping
haha it’s been yrs but i once again need a safe space to vent and this page is always here.
genuinely just so anxious and i think i may be teetering on manic but i can’t really tell if im being dramatic and it’s just hard because so many symptoms overlap between my disorders and i don’t feel like my meds are doing anything but im scared to also stop taking them in case they are helping and things are actually worse than i remember
i haven’t seen my therapist in about a month or so now and i’m so upset because i genuinely just can’t afford her nor my psych rn but my intrusive thoughts have been so fucking bad that it’s been keeping me up or waking me up or making me have weird/bad dreams so i’m also paranoid because dreams and reality lowkey be blending sometimes and i have trouble differentiating what actually happened vs what i dreamt sometimes
my apartment desperately needs to be cleaned too and it’s been stressing me out as well. i’m going on a trip next week and i want it clean by then but i also work and im gonna trip next tuesday so i need to emotionally prepare for that, too.
idk just getting some thoughts out because i’m wide awake and it sucks
i think things are getting bad again.
rephrase: i know things are getting bad again.
tonight was just the night i realized how bad bad is sometimes. i don’t even know how to explain it. i sent myself into a full blown hyperventilating inconsolable mess earlier. it was fucking pathetic. the more i think about it the more i hate myself.
i hate the way i look, i’ve gained so much. i hate my brain. i hate that it convinces me that every wrong step i makes means that he’s going to up and leave me. honestly, i think he might e been considering it tonight.
i talk to myself. i tell myself that i need to be a reason for relaxation and not another added stress but i can’t help myself. i know i’m being irrational, i know things aren’t the way my brain makes it seem, but i can’t think of it any other way. the reality i see in my head is so far from the truth but i can’t stop myself from believing it. i know he’s not going to randomly change his mind and leave me, i know he loves me so much, i know he cares, even if he’s frustrated, but i cannot convince myself that i’m safe.
sometimes i can, we had a moment last night that i’ve felt the most comfortable in in a very very long time. i knew i was okay and i knew everything else was also okay, or was, at the very least, going to be okay. i was happy, i was content, i was safe. but it’s like today i threw it out of the window and i keep myself in this headspace that there could be a threat coming from any angle and i have to be on the highest alert at every moment or else something catastrophic will happen. and that’s exhausting. i am so tired from just existing but i also can’t sleep anymore. its all restless fits of bad dreams and discomfort.
sometimes i think i may actually need some form of therapy, to ease the pain of dealing with me or being with me or even being me. although i do fear that i am just being dramatic and i’ll just get invalidated. but i’m done now, for now.
the urge fo self harm has been so strong lately and idk what to do because if i do i’ll disappoint my boyfriend and i want to be better than that but idk how to cope in any other way than that
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i fuckin. feel shit now and it is one of the most god awful things ever sometimes. i cry constantly, my mood swings dramatically, i can still shut down when necessary but it’s not the same. i’m mostly caught up on the crying thing. i used to just like cry once a year but now it’s every 2-3 days and can get as bad as multiple times a day. i would like to just blame it on my birth control but i can only blame so much. it fuckinf sucks. i feel like a weak ass bitch all the time and it’s ridiculous
haven’t had a bad night like this in a while. can’t fucking sleep and i. just sitting on my kitchen counter not sure what to do because god i’m so fucking hungry but the idea of getting fat is more than terrifying. i don’t know what to do or who to talk to but i’m just. angry and idk why but in crying and i’m trying to watch netflix to like distract me but it’s not fucking working and i can’t focus and i just. can’t.
the feeling of me touching my own skin is even too much for me to handle right now and i don’t fucking know what to do and i’m pissed at so many people. everyone i’m supposed to be friends with just fucking judges me all the fucking time and like i don’t necessarily care but i just don’t see why people feel the need to pass their judgement all the god damn time as of theyre so much better than we are. fuck.
maybe i’ll just get drunk and deal with this shit tomorrow.
so things have been. fine. except last night something happened and the first thing i did was reason to myself why nothing mattered, why nothing matters at all. why i have so much to lose, but if it were to disappear it would be fine. i would be fine, and if not, i always have the option of suicide. i always have an escape and i will hold that close to me. and that is selfish, so extremely dearly selfish and unfair to some people in my life but i don’t know. i haven’t slept. i’m doing quite badly right now. i don’t know what to do.