#aggressive devotions

The wolf did Loki | with Angrbotha win, And Sleipnir bore he | to Svathilfari; The worst of marvels | seemed the one That sprang from the brother | of Byleist then.

YOU GUYS HAVE YOU SEEN LOKI’S COCK? IT’S FUCKING AMAZING. NO REALLY. LOOK AT IT. MOST OF THE INTERNET HAS SEEN ITS POWER. HAIL LOKI, O WILEY ONE, WE PRAY THAT YOU WILL USE ITS POWER FOR GOOD…MOST OF THE TIME.

I SEE YOU ARE SKEPTICAL. YOU SHOULD SEE IT FOR YOURSELF. AND IF YOU ARE HEADBLIND AND CAN’T SEE HIS COCK, YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT COMES OUT OF HIS COCK. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE. HAVE YOU SEEN THE FENRIS-ULFR? SO FUCKING BADASS. JORMUNDGARDR? A SNAKE SO FUCKING BIG EVEN THOR CAN’T PICK IT UP HAIL LOKI’S COCK

STILL NOT CONVINCED? LOKI’S COCK HELPED MAKE THE QUEEN OF THE DEAD THAT’S RIGHT. WHEN YOU DIE, YOU BETTER HOPE HIS DAUGHTER LIKES THE WAY YOU TREATED HER DAD.

MEANWHILE IN A 200 MILE RADIUS OF THIS EVENT PANTIES EXPLODING MEN TURNING GAY ORGIES IN THE STREETS FUCK ERGI, I WANT TO FUCK LOKI WOMEN TURNING INTO MEN MEN TURNING INTO WOMEN MEN TURNING INTO HORSES TURNING INTO MARES AND GIVING BIRTH GODS CROSSDRESSING EVERYONE MAKING HAMMER JOKES FANGIRLS EXPLODING

SPEAKING OF YOU GUYS KNOW HE’S TROLLING YOU ALL WITH MARVEL RIGHT?

JUST LOOK AT THAT SMUG GRIN ON HIS FACE YOU KNOW HE’S ENJOYING HIMSELF WATCHING YOU FANGIRL ALL OVER HIM YES THAT’S RIGHT YOU KNOW YOU LIKE IT SAY HIS NAME YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO SAY IT LOUDER LOOOOUUUUDDDEERRRR

LOOK AT THAT SMIRK HE KNOWS YOUR DICK IS HARD AND YOUR PANTIES ARE WET SO FOR EVERY HEATHEN WITH A MONOTHEIST HANGOVER WHO WANTS TO TREAT LOKI LIKE VOLDEMORT JUST REMEMBER…ENOUGH FANGIRLS ARE SAYING HIS NAME TO DROWN YOU OUT AND KEEP HIM IN THIS WORLD. SLEEP WELL ON THAT, BITCHES.

BUT NOW, MORE ABOUT LOKI’S JUNK I DON’T THINK WE TALKED ENOUGH ABOUT HOW CAPSLOCKINGLY AMAZING IT IS HE’S A SHAPESHIFTER YANNO JUST THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A MOMENT ARE YOU A SIZE QUEEN? HE CAN HELP WITH THAT DO YOU SHOP AT BADDRAGON.COM? HE CAN HELP WITH THAT TOO IF YOU CAN IMAGINE IT HE CAN MAKE THAT SHIT HAPPEN EVEN STUFF YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU WANTED LOKI IS RULE 34 ON GODLEVEL. LOKI EXISTS, THEREFORE THERE IS PORN OF IT

ALSO: IT IS SCIENTIFICALLY KNOWN THAT LOKI’S COCK IS MORE ADDICTIVE THAN HEROIN TRU FAX WE COULD SHOW YOU THE RESEARCH BUT IT IS KNOWN ALSO, DID YOU KNOW LOKI CAN FUCK YOU IN PLACES THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW COULD BE FUCKED? NO KIDS, I DON’T MEAN YOUR ASS. BUT HE CAN DO THAT TOO. HE CAN FUCK ALL THE PLACES AT THE SAME TIME WITHOUT EVEN TRYING LOKI’S COCK IS SO FUCKING VERSATILE THAT YOU CAN SUCK IT AND FUCK IT AT THE SAME TIME

LOKI’S COCK IS WAY BETTER FOR YOU THAN HEROIN, THOUGH IT’S BEEN PROVEN TO CURE A WIDE RANGE OF DISEASES INCLUDING DEPRESSION CAUSED BY LACK OF SEX AND STICKUPYOURASSICUS AND NOHOMOITUS

THE OTHER GREAT THING ABOUT LOKI’S COCK? IT’S NOWHERE NEAR AS INTIMIDATING AS FREYR’S UNLESS YOU WANT IT TO BE IN WHICH CASE, HE’LL BE GLAD TO OBLIGE

BUT AMAZING JUNK ISN’T THE ONLY THING LOKI HAS GOING FOR HIM YOU MAY HAVE HEARD HIS DEVOTEES REFER TO HIM AS SILVERTONGUE YOU MAY HAVE THOUGHT THIS WAS JUST A KENNING JUST A CLEVER WAY TO REFER TO HIS SKILL WITH WORDS IT’S NOT JUST GIVE HIM TWO MINUTES TO SHOW YOU WHAT IT’S REALLY REFERRING TO YOU WON’T BE SORRY NO MATTER WHAT SHAPE YOUR BITS HAPPEN TO BE, THEY’LL BE SINGING “O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL” OR “SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE, AT LAST I’VE FOUND YOUUUUU”

http://youtu.be/E81ICJywqwg

SO IN CONCLUSION LOKI’S JUNK IS MORE AMAZING THAN THE MOST AMAZING THING YOU CAN THINK OF SLICED BREAD? TROGDOR THE BURNINATOR? DAVID BOWIE FLYING IN ON A TIGER MADE OF LIGHTNING? ALL THAT AIN’T GOT NOTHIN’ ON LOKI’S COCK

KNOW WHO DOESN'T GET TALKED ABOUT ENOUGH?

TYR

LET'S DO THAT

HE IS A PRETTY AMAZING GUY WISE AS HELL AND WITH AN IMPRESSIVE STRENGTH OF WILL

THE MAN GETS SHIT DONE

AFTER LOKI AND ANGRBODA HAD FENRIR

AND HE ENDED UP IN ASGARD

KNOW WHO TOOK CARE OF HIM?

TYR

HE WAS THE ONLY ONE BRAVE ENOUGH TO APPROACH HIM

HOT DAMN, WHAT A BADASS

AND THEN

AS TIME WENT BY

EVERYONE WAS LIKE

HMM

THIS WOLF JUST –

WOW HE KEEPS GETTING BIGGER

AND HE'S PROPHESIED TO WRECK SHIT

MAYBE WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING?

YES

THAT IS PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA

SO THEY WERE ALL TRYING AND FAILING TO BIND HIM

WITH THESE BIG CHAINS

AND FINALLY WENT AND GOT A NICE SHINY RIBBON

(HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO TEAR A RIBBON THAT SHIT IS FUCKING HARD)

ANYWAY AFTER THEY GOT SOME DWARVES TO MAKE GLEIPNIR

WHICH IS NOT JUST AN ORDINARY PAIN IN THE ASS RIBBON

IT'S MADE OF MAGICY SHIT

A BUNCH OF STUFF THAT YOU CAN'T FIND IN THE WORLD WENT INTO THE RIBBON

LIKE THE ROOTS OF MOUNTAINS

BIRD SPIT

THE SOUND OF A CAT'S FOOTSTEP

BREATH OF A FISH

SINEW OF A BEAR

AND A WOMAN'S BEARD

(THOUGH SOMETIMES WOMEN CAN HAVE BEARDS

AND I AM PRETTY SURE WITHOUT SINEW BEARS WOULD NOT WORK BUT MOSTLY THE STUFF IS NO LONGER AROUND)

TO MAKE DAMN SURE

IT COULD BIND THIS IMMENSELY STRONG WOLF

FENRIR WAS FEELING MIGHTY SUSPICIOUS

AND WAS NOT REALLY WANTING TO BE BOUND

NOT MUCH GLORY IN BREAKING A RIBBON AFTER THOSE BITCHIN' CHAINS

HE WOULDN'T GET ANY STREET CRED

ALSO THE RIBBON WAS KIND OF SUSPICIOUS AFTER THE CHAINS

SHENANIGANS WERE AFOOT

BUT HE AGREED, IF SOMEONE WOULD PUT THEIR HAND IN HIS MOUTH

AS TO ENSURE THAT HE WOULD BE RELEASED IF HE COULD NOT BREAK IT

YEAAAAH

NO ONE REALLY WANTED TO DO THAT

BUT TYR STEPPED UP

DID WHAT NEEDED TO BE DONE

PUT HIS HAND RIGHT INTO FENRIR'S MOUTH

WHEN FENRIR WAS UNABLE TO BREAK GLEIPNIR

AND THEY DIDN'T FREE HIM

HE BIT TYR'S SWORD HAND OFF

HE MADE A CHOICE

AND GAVE UP SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO HIM TO SAVE EVERYONE ELSE

AND BIND FENRIR UNTIL THE START OF RAGNAROK

THAT'S A PRETTY GREAT THING TO DO

HE'S THE GOD OF OATHS

IF YOU MAKE ONE TO HIM YOU BETTER KEEP IT

OR EXPECT TO PAY THE PRICE

HE VALUES STRENGTH

BOTH OF BODY AND OF WILL

PERSEVERANCE MAN

DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE

I LIKE TO GIVE HIM SOME PROTEIN DRINK

CAUSE IT IS BOTH DELICIOUS AND ALSO GOOD FOR MAKING YOU STRONG

HE SEEMED TO LIKE IT MORE THAN ANY OF THE ALCOHOL I HAD TRIED

SO NOW SUMBLE SOMETIMES HAS PROTEIN DRINK

MMMM

IF YOU HAVE TO MAKE A DIFFICULT CHOICE

OR GIVE UP SOMETHING TO HELP A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER

MAYBE HAVE A CHAT WITH TYR

HE IS WELL ACQUAINTED WITH SELF SACRIFICE

AND ALSO WITH DECISION MAKING

SERIOUSLY HE REALLY LIKES WHEN YOU HELP OTHERS

AND COMING THROUGH WHEN YOU ARE NEEDED

HE IS ALSO ASSOCIATED WITH IRMINSUL, AND KEEPING ORDER

HEY

I LIKE WHAT YOU DO HERE SO I WANT TO HELP YOU GUYS WITH SOMETHING I KNOW ABOUT APHRODITE

BECAUSE SHE'S MY FUCKING PATRONESS

AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL

NEVER DOUBT THAT

SHE'LL GET REAL PISSED

AND SHE WAS BORN FROM URANOS PENIS

WHICH MAKES HER ZEUS ANTIE

A BEAUTIFUL ANTIE THOUGH

SHE IS REALLY SASSY ALTHOUGH SHE IS MARRIED

BUT SHE DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT

MAYBE THAT IS A FAMILY THING

BITCHES LOVE BEAUTY

AND SHE LOVES BEAUTY TOO

SO DON'T GO PRAYING FOR HER IF YOUR HAIR IS NOT FIXED

SHE'LL TURN YOU INTO A PIG

BUT SHE IS ALL NICE BECAUSE SHE MAKES PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE

LOVE IS GOOD RIGHT?

EXCEPT IF YOU FALL IN LOVE AND STARTS THE FUCKING TROJAN WAR BECAUSE OF IT.

THEN MAYBE IT'S NOT.

BUT SHE'S A GOOD PATRONESS 

I LOVE HER.

ISHTAR.

I LOVE THIS WOMAN.

SHE DO HER THANG.

SHE GETS CALLED NAMES LIKE WHORE AND PROSTITUTE.

BUT SHE'S JUST LIKE "WHATEVER I'M A VIRGIN, HONEY"

SHE DON'T LET NO MAN LABEL HER.

SHE HAD A COUPLE OF CONSORTS BUT SHE WAS ALWAYS THE ONE ON TOP!

MUTHAFUCKEN QUEEN OF HEAVEN!

SHE BRINGS THE LIGHT, AND SHE LOOKS GOOD DOING IT.

IN THE MORNING, SHE'S UP AND READY TO KICK SOME A. SHE GOES BY DILBAH AND SHE GETS THANGS DONE.

HER PLANET IS VENUS WHICH IS COOL CAUSE YOU CAN SEE HER TWICE A DAY.

AT NIGHT SHE'S ALL ABOUT LOVING. THEY CALL HER ZIB THEN, AND SHE'S SO FINE.

SO FINE IN FACT THAT WHEN SHE GOES INTO THE UNDERWORLD, SEX ACROSS THE LAND JUST STOPS. IT'S LIKE "WHY BOTHER WHEN OUR HOT ASS QUEEN AIN'T HERE?"

GILGAMESH GAVE HER SOME SHIT AND CALLED HER A MANEATER OR WHATEVER WHEN SHE WAS TRYING TO GET SOME GOODIES.

SHE DON'T PUT UP WITH BS.

ISHTAR GOT THE GIANT BULL FROM HEAVEN FROM HER SKY DADDY TO RUN HIM AND HIS DOUCHEY FRIENDS DOWN.

TAKE THAT A-HOLES!

THEY MADE AN EPIC ABOUT IT, AND I GUESS THEY ALL HIGH FIVE OVER KILLING THAT BULL.

ISHTAR JUST ROLL HER EYES. SHE'S THE QUEEN, SHE KNOWS SHE'S HOT. AND SHE CAN DO WHAT SHE WANTS BECAUSE SHE'S ALSO A WARRIOR.

HELLS YEAH.

METAPHOR FOR ALL WOMEN. YOU CAN BE SMOKING HOT, HUNT DOWN WHATEVER YOU NEED, GET LAID, AND GIVE ALL THE JERKS THE FINGER CAUSE Y'ALL ARE ALL WARRIORS.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHO'S A TOTAL BADASS?

ATHENA, THAT'S WHO

YOU WANT WARRIOR GODDESSES?

HELLENICS GOT YOUR WARRIOR GODDESS RIGHT HERE

ATHENA REFUSED TO EVER MARRY 

BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T NEED A MAN RULING HER LIFE

SHE'S NOT GONNA PUT UP WITH THAT SHIT

SHE WAS EVEN BORN BADASS

BECAUSE ZEUS ATE METIS, THE WISE TITANESS

SINCE HE THOUGHT THAT SHE'D GIVE BIRTH TO SOMEONE GREATER THAN HIM

BUT HAHA JOKE'S ON HIM

HE GOT WICKED MIGRAINES

AND HEPHAESTUS HAD TO SPLIT HIS HEAD OPEN

(HAHA HEADSPLITTING HEADACHES I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE GREECE)

AND THEN OUT JUMPED ATHENA

ALL FULLY-ARMORED AND SHIT

WHERE DID SHE GET THE ARMOR INSIDE ZEUS' HEAD

THAT'S LIKE TONY STARK MAKING AN IRON MAN SUIT INSIDE A CAVE

CRAZY SHIT

ANYWAY ATHENS IS TOTALLY NAMED FOR HER TOO

BECAUSE WHEN IT WAS NEW THEY WANTED TO KNOW WHO TO WORSHIP

SO POSEIDON AND ATHENA COMPETED FOR THEIR ATTENTION

AND POSEIDON CREATED A MIGHTY SEA

BUT THE ATHENIANS WERE ALL "LOL THIS IS GREECE

WE HAVE LOTS OF SEAS, SHOW US SOMETHING NEW"

SO THEN ATHENA GAVE THEM THE FIRST OLIVE TREE EVER

AND THEY WERE BIG FANS OF THAT

BECAUSE GREEKS REALLY FUCKING LOVE OLIVE TREES

SO ATHENA WON THE CONTEST 

AND NOW THE MOST FAMOUS CITY IN ALL OF GREECE IS NAMED FOR HER

BECAUSE THAT'S JUST HOW SHE ROLLS

ALL VICTORIOUS AND SHIT

SHE'S EVEN CALLED ATHENA NIKE SOMETIMES

BECAUSE SHE'S SO VICTORIOUS SHE GETS CONFUSED WITH VICTORY

AND SHE DOES EVERYTHING

GODDESS OF WAR? CHECK

GODDESS OF CRAFTS? CHECK

GODDESS OF WISDOM? CHECK

AIN'T NOTHING ATHENA DOESN'T DO

BECAUSE SHE'S A TOTAL BADASS

OKAY BEEN NEEDING TO DO THIS ONE FOR A WHILE. BUT SURGERY. AND COLLEGE. BUT NOW I HAVE THE TIME AND I AM GOING DO MY GODDAMN FUCKING BEST ON THIS FUCKER.

OKAY SO SIGYN. 

SHE'S LIKE THE BEST.

EVER.

SO COOL.

GOTTA WEAR SHADES AROUND THIS BITCH HER SWAG TOO BRIGHT.

FIRST OFF HER NAME MEANS EITHER LIKE "VICTORY WOMAN" OR "VICTORY GIRLFRIEND"

EVEN HER PARENTS KNEW SHE'D BE A BALLER.

I BET THEY LION KING'D HER AS A KID.

LET A WEIRD OLD GUY PRESENT HER TO THE OTHER GODS WHO ALL BOW AT HER GLORY.

HERE'S THE THING, BITCHES NOW SOMETIMES DON'T RECOGNIZE THAT SIGYN IS CLEARLY A BALLER.

BITCHES ALL LIKE "SHE'S ABUSED AND USELESS AND SHITTTTTTTTT."

BITCHES DON'T HAVE READING COMPREHENSION.

UNLESS THEY THINK IT'S OPPOSITE DAY

OR THEIR ASS IS BIZZARO SUPERMAN THAT SHIT IS WRONG AS A MOTHERFUCKER.

SIGYN IS A BALLER WIFE AND MOM.

THE OTHER GODS TURN HER SON INTO A WOLF HAVE HIM KILL THE OTHER SON AND USE HIS INTESTINES TO IMPRISON HER HUSBAND. THAT WASN'T SHIT ENOUGH THOUGH SO THEY TOSSED A GIANT DEATH SNAKE IN THERE FOR GOOD MEASURE.

BECAUSE INFANTICIDE WASN'T ENOUGH THEY NEEDED SOME XTREME WATERBOARDING AS WELL.

SO WHAT THE FUCK DOES SIGYN DO AFTER WATCHING THE DEATH OF HER SONS AND THE IMPRISONMENT OF HER HUSBAND?

SAYS "FUCK YOU" TO THE OTHER GODS AND TAKES CARE OF HER HUSBAND UNTIL RAGNAROK.  

LIKE WOW, THAT'S SOME SHIT. 

SHE IS LIKE THÉODEN MAN. 

"NO PARENT SHOULD BURY THEIR CHILD."

BUT EVEN WITH THAT SHE JUST PICKS HER ASS UP AND IS LIKE "I WILL NOT LET ME HUSBAND SUFFER ALONE AND IN AGONY FUCK THAT SHIT I AM A GODDESS."

SO SHE STAYS WITH HIM.

LIKE WOW, IF THAT'S NOT A SHOW OF CHARACTER I DUNNO WHAT IS. 

BITCH IS PURE OF HEART MAN,

SHE CHOOSES TO REMAIN OUT OF LOVE AND COMMITMENT WHEN SHE COULD GO AND LIKE, NOT BE SURRONDED BY A SHIT STORM OF AWFUL 24/7.

BUT SHE JUST DOESN'T CARE.

SHE LOVES HIM AND GOD FUCKING DAMN IT THAT LOVE IS GOING TO KEEP HER BOO SAFE.

WHAT A GOOD PERSON,

WOW 

SIGYN IS GREAT.

AND I FEEL THE NEED

TO FUCKING

LIKE

CONTRIBUTE AND SHIT

CAN WE JUST POINT OUT

THAT THIS ONE TIME SHE WAS WASHING HERSELF IN A RIVER

AND THIS KING CAME UP AND WAS LIKE

"YO I WANNA WIN THIS BATTLE"

AND SHE WAS LIKE

"YO LET'S HAVE SEX AND I'LL THINK ABOUT IT"

AND THEN LIKE

IN EXCHANGE FOR SOME MAGIC AND SHIT

SHE LIKE

RIPS THE BLOOD OF HIS HEART, AND KIDNIES

AND IS LIKE

"YEAH THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH"

AND THEN SHE SHOWS UP AT THIS FIGHT, RIGHT

AND THEY'RE ALL LIKE

"HOW ARE YOU GONNA HELP US"

AND SHE'S LIKE

"VAGUE THINGS THAT ARE POETIC BLAH BLAH AHAHA STUPID MORTALS"

AND THEN LIKE ALL OF THEIR ENEMIES ARE DRIVEN INTO THE SEA

AND THEN SHE JUST CASUALLY PREDICTS THE END OF THE WORLD AND WALKS OFF

LIKE

WHAT THE FUCK

OH

I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT THEN SHE DRAGS TWO HANDFULLS OF THAT KING'S BLOOD BACK TO THE RIVER

AND JUST LIKE

DROPS IT IN

BECAUSE FUCK YOUR SHIT

ALSO IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU SHE'LL FUCKING KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

BY LIKE

TURNING YOU INTO A POOL OF WATER OR SOME SHIT

MIELIKKI IS TOTALLY A FOREST GODDESS

PEOPLE PRAYED AND OFFERED TO HER FOR GOOD A HUNT AND FOREST FOOD GATHERING

BUT CAREFUL BECAUSE IF SHE'S PISSED

SHE'LL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP

SHE'S MARRIED TO A TREE

OKAY

HE MIGHT NOT BE A TREE

BUT HE HAS MOSS EYEBROWS AND A LICHEN BEARD

SOUNDS PRETTY GODDAMNED TREE-LIKE TO ME

AND SHE MARRIED HIM

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

WHO DOES THAT?

A BADASS GODDESS WHO DOES WHAT THE FUCK SHE WANTS

THAT'S WHO

SHE ALSO MADE THE BEAR

PROBABLY THE BEST ANIMAL IN EXISTENCE

AND IF YOU HUNT BEARS YOU BETTER DO IT RITUALISTICALLY AND RESPECTFULLY

GRANDMOTHER BEAR DOES NOT TAKE YOUR DISRESPECTFUL SHIT FOR HER CREATIONS

SHE LIKES SHINIES AND COINS

AND PRAYERS

ALSO FOOD, ESPECIALLY THINGS GATHERED FROM THE FOREST OR HUNTED

IF YOU'RE A HUNTER YOU BETTER FUCKING GIVE HER A PRAYER AND SOME SHINIES

OR ELSE

ACTUALLY, IF YOU LIKE TO WANDER THROUGH THE FOREST YOU BETTER GET ON HER GOOD SIDE

OR A BEAR MIGHT FUCK YOUR HIKE UP