5 Things Clint Barton has never done and 1 Thing he's done a million times

Clint grunted, fixing a finger under his collar and tugging.

"Stop pulling on it, or you'll ruin the bow tie" Coulson said with a sigh.

"Ugh, I hate wearing this sit. I feel like I'm suffocating, Phil."

"You can survive for an hour in a suit, you're getting married Clint."

"Ugh, don't use logic with me. My idea was to go to Vegas. They wanted all the bells and whistles."

Coulson rolled his eyes. "Just because you grew up in barn, doesn't mean everyone else did."

"Ouch. Why did I make you my Best Man again?"

"I'm your only friend?"

"Wow, okay. Ouch. I hate more friends."

"The people you're getting married to don't count."

"I'm gonna jump out a window."

"Calm down, I'm joking." Coulson walked up to Clint, straightening his bowtie. "I'm very proud of you. I remember you being a scrawny piece of shit when you first started. Rude, immature, trusted no one. Now look at you."

Cint grinned, "Thanks Dad"

"Hey now, I'm not that old."

"Close enough. I can't call Fury my dad, no can I?"

"Would love to see you try."

"I like my balls where they are, thanks."

Coulson chuckled, patting Clint on the shoulders. "Wise decision. Now, I think we're about to start. Are you ready? If you say no, you'lkl have two angry Russian Super-Soldiers looking for you."

"I'm ready"

“Ow! Clint! Just because you have a robot body now doesn’t mean you get to hit people!” Tony whined as he rubbed at his nose.

Clint blinked open his eyes and groaned. “Mmm sorry, was taking nap. Bad dream”

“…You can dream?”

“Ye”

“…. Of course you can. Why would you not be able to dream?” Tony sighed.

“Ye. Now shuddup. lemme sleep.”

“Oh yes Your Highness, but no more hitting!”

“Mmmkay.”

*******

Clint was laying in a huge field of wild flowers, the wind rustling through them softly, and the sun was shining down in such a way to not make you too hot, just pleasantly warm. 

Phil way leaning on one elbow next to him, his fingers brushing through Clint’s hair. “You know we can’t stay out here forever, right?”

Clint hummed happily, “I know. Real world problems and all that, but 5 more minutes won’t hurt, right?”

Phil chuckled and leaned down to press a kiss to Clint’s nose. “Five more minutes.”

“Yay.”

“Clint I swear to all that is holy, if you don’t wake up, I’m gonna fry your specific circuits.”

Clint groaned, “Dammit, why can’t you stay dream Phil?”

“wHy cAN’t yOu StaY DreaM PhIl…” Phil mocked. “If I have to hear Stark ask for eggos one more time, I’m gonna scream.”

Clint sighed and opened his eyes. “You’re just jealous because you don’t get dreams.”

“Mmm, sure. Come on, slow poke.”

Clint stuck out his tongue, but did what Phil asked. 

*******

“Clint! Clint wake up!”

Clint jolted awake with a gasp. “Who? What? Where?”

Phil looked down at him with a frown. “You must have been having a bad dream. You started turning on all of the kitchen appliances at once, on full speed. Natasha got a strawberry banana smoothie to the face.”

“Oh fuck me…” Clint groaned as he sat up and rubbed his eyes.

Phil shook his head and helped Clint to stand in his robot body. “Yeah, she’s not happy. Care to share what the dream was about?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“I really do… You’ve been getting them more frequently.”

Clint pouted and looked at Phil, but the other AI just stared him down. Clint sighed. “Finnneee…. It’s about-” Clint mumbled. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that?”

“I said it’s about spmfers” Clint said again, the last word still mumbled. 

“Can’t hear you”

“SPIDERS. THE DREAMS ARE ABOUT SPIDERS.”

Phil blinked, “Spiders? That’s what all your bad dreams have been about?”

“Yes. Little creepy crawly assholes. Getting into my damn main frames and messing shit up.” Clint said with a shudder. “Gives me the heeby jeebies.”

Phil blinked a couple of times, and then nodded slowly. “Right... Understandable...”

Clint shot the other AI a look, “You’re gonna laugh aren’t you?”

“No, no I’m not”

“You can laugh, it’s okay. It’s pretty stupid.”

Phil sighed, “It’s not stupid if it’s making you afraid.”

Clint shrugged his shoulders. “It is irrational though.”

Phil pursed his lips, “Not so irrational. You did just smoothie Natasha.”

Clint shuddered, “Shit. You’re right. Now I have another thing to have nightmares about.”

Phil allowed himself to laugh this time, and wrapped his arms around Clint’s robotic body. “I’ll protect you. Maybe.”

Clint smiled and tucked his head under Phil’s chin. “Thanks. Possibly.”

“You’re welcome.”

“CLINT, YOU HAVE THREE SECONDS TO GET YOUR ROBOTIC ASS OVER HERE!”

Tony sighed and rubbed at his nose, “Yes Clint? What can I do for you today??”

“I wanna be Robin Hood.”

“…I beg your pardon?”

“I wanna be Robin Hood.”

Tony sighed. “I was afraid that’s what you said…. How does Phil feel about this?”

“Phil is fine with being Maid Marian.”

“… Alright fine.”

“Yeeeesssssss”

*******Phil looked Clint up and down. “Gotta say Clint, you are ten times sexier with that bow in your hand.”

Clint blew Phil a kiss. “Thank you boo!”

“EW GROSS. NO MORE OF THAT OR I TAKE AWAY THE PROGRAMMING.”

Clint stuck his tongue out at Tony and blew a raspberry.

*******Clint notched his arrow, aimed, and fired at the target 100 feet away. “I wish this was a little more real.”

Phil sighed and looked up from the book he had been reading. “You know we don’t have a human form, right? A holographic bow and arrow is about as good as it is going to get at the moment…”

Clint pouted and shot another arrow. “Maybe if Tony gave us-”

“We do not need robot bodies Clinton.”

“Ughhhhhh… Fine. Spoilsport.”

“Love you too.”

********Steve yelped as an arrow flew threw the air towards his face, only to phase through him and out the other side.

“Ten points!!!”

“CLINT I WILL TAKE THAT BOW AND ARROW AWAY SO HELP ME GOD!”

“I’m Robin Hood, you can’t do shit Stark!”

Someone else yelped. “Twenty points!!”

Tony glared at Phil. “Stop him!!!”

Phil rubbed at his forehead, “Don’t you think I’ve tried?”

"Fifty points!!!”

Tony shot Phil another look.

“At least he’s not actually hitting anyone? I know he’s asked for us both to have robot bodies, so this could be much worse.” Phil grimaced. “Please don’t ever give us robot bodies....“

“Maybe I will just so you can feel the pain of his madness!!!” Tony said as his hands shot up.

“One hundred points!!”

“I SWEAR PHIL I WILL MAKE A ROBOT BODY FOR YOU BOTH”

Phil groaned and immediately phased away to deal with his AWOL AI boyfriend before Tony made good on his promise. Neither one of them needed an actual form, and that was a fact. History had already plainly spoken for itself on that score.

“Two hundred!!“

“CLINT BARTON YOU STOP THAT NOW!!!!”

Phil pulled his homemade lasagna out of the oven right as the front door of the apartment opened.

“Just in time! Dinner is almost ready!” Phil called out to Clint as he set the pan down on the counter to cool.

Wiping his hands on a dish towel, Phil spun around to greet his husband with a long awaited kiss.

Only to come face-to-face with a kitty that looked like it had drowned in garbage.

“Clint, what did I say about bringing home strays???”

Clint pouted up at him and cuddled the kitten to his chest, “But it was gonna die Phil! Die!!!”

Phil sighed and pinched his nose in exasperation, “Clint. We barley have space for a kitten. The pigeon you rescued is currently hogging our guest bedroom, the squirrel you saved commandeering the bathroom, and the dog you found takes up half the bed every night! Where’s the kitten gonna go?“

Clint pursued his lips, “The kitchen?”

Phil gave Clint a droll look, “No“

“But Phiiiiiil” Clint whined.

“But nothing Clint! Stop bringing home strays!”

Clint shoved the kitten in Phil’s face. “You tell me this face is not the cutest you’ve ever seen”

The kitty gave a weak mew and licked Phil’s nose gently. Phil’s heart melted and he knew he wouldn’t be kicking the stray out anytime soon.

Besides, it’s not like he really cared that Clint kept bringing home strays. It would be hypocritical of him to do so. Phil tended to find strays all the damn time, his just usually ended up as SHIELD agents instead of house pets. And it was so cute watching Clint take care of an animal down on its luck.

But Phil could never tell Clint that, or their house would literally be overrun with animals.

“Okay fine. But no more after this one!”

They both knew that was a lie.

“Yay!!! Thank you Phil!”

Clint gave Phil a peck on the cheek and ran off to go give the kitten a bath.

Phil just sighed and shook his head, “Did you even buy any food for the poor thing?”

“.....Shit”

Phil rolled his eyes, “I’ll put the lasagna in the oven to warm and go pop out to get some”

“Thank you babe! Don’t forget dog food and bird feed!!”

Phil had been preparing for this moment for almost two fucking years.

It had two long years for Phil to finally track down the infamous Hawkeye.

Little Prick.

But it had been worth it.

All the long hours of bullshit was now worth it.

Phil, Dom SHIELD Agent Level 6, had Hawkeye cornered.

“Put your hands up!” Phil said calmly, his gun aimed for Hawkeye’s left hand. It wasn’t a kill shot of course, but it was a shot that would most likely put Hawkeye in commission for the longest.

Hawkeye didn’t move.

“I said put your hands up!” Phil said more firmly, walking closer to the assassin.

Still no movement.

Insolent little prick.

Calling out once more, Phil stepped even closer to the assassin.

Still no movement.

Pressing his gun against Hawkeye’s shoulder, Phil uttered his command once more.

“I told you, put your-oh dear god”

Phil understood now.

Dropping his gun, Phil spun around. “Get me a medic now!” He shouted to the closest team member.

Once the agent had run off, Phil turned back to Hawkeye.

Wiping his hand over his face, Phil sighed “This was not in your mission file.”

~

Clint was a sub on the run.

Had been from the first fucking day he had been brought on this Earth.

Now, he was a sub on the run, in the middle of a drop.

A drop that was caused by a damn needle from an asshole dom who thought he could get any fucking sub he wanted - willing or not.

What Clint hadn’t been planning on was a calculated attack from that damn SHIELD who’d been on his ass for two years.

Fucking Prick.

Clint thought he could escape before the drug fully hit his system, but damn was he wrong.

The drop hit him right as SHIELD caught up with him on a damn rooftop. In normal circumstances, Clint wouldn’t consider this a problem. He was the King of jumping off buildings.

But not during a drop.

His body began to shut down as the head honcho began to yell at him to raise his hands, his gun aimed at Clint’s left hand. The left hand that was his livelihood dammit.

Motherfucking prick.

The asshole just kept yelling his commands, and got closer.

Clint wished he could yell back, but all his body could do was sway. The closer the man got, the worse Clint got. In fact, when the man was right next to Clint, Clint let out a whimper.

Maybe this was the clue the older man needed to see that Clint wasn’t in the best of mindsets.

“This was not in your mission file”

Clint whimpered again, and collapsed into the older man’s arms.

~

Phil looked up at the ceiling, trying to ignore the sub curled up against his side.

The medic that had arrived on the scene could do nothing for Hawkeye. It was only a dom’s touch and smell that could bring the sub up from a drop. And since Phil was the highest level dom on the mission, the job went to him.

“Definitely not in your mission file” He whispered.

“’m sorry, won’t do it again” A sleepy voice said from above him.

Phil looked at Hawkeye. “Go back to sleep Hawkeye. We can do battle later”

Hawkeye looked at him grumpily (which Phil couldn’t help but think adorable). “’m name’s Clint”

”Pardon?”

”Clint. Not Hawkeye”

Phil blinked, “Clint? Clint what?”

”Barton”

Phil nodded. “Well it’s nice to know your name finally. I’ll add it to the file”

Hawkeye.. Clint… grunted and fell back asleep.

Little prick.

~

Clint stared out the window, watching the trees go by. “You’d think your boss would spring for airplane seats when they recruit someone”

The asshole,

Phil,

snorted. “If the accounting department doesn’t have to waste money, they won’t. Besides, the doctor says it’s probably best you not travel with a lot of people in case of a relapse”

Clint grunted, “What’s some fucking doctor know about my body? Nothin’”

”Well he is a doctor. They should know a thing or two…. Most do. Now get some sleep, Fury doesn’t tolerate mouthy subs… Or mouthiness in general”

Fucking commanding prick.

“Yeah, whatever”

~

”I can’t believe Fury assigned you to me. How’d I get stuck with a prick like you?”

”I was just asking myself the same thing Mr. Stick-up-the-ass”

”That’s

Agent

stick-up-the-ass to you kid”

”Whatever”

~

”Coulson! How the fuck do you deal with this prick? He’s impossible!”

”Don’t call Agent Barton a prick Agent Woo. It’s against regulation and just plain rude”

~

”Wow, Coulson’s a prick”

”You got two seconds to retract that statement kid before I remove you of your testicles”

”Y-yes sir”

~

”Damn Barton’s a prick. Definitely needs a good dom to beat him into submission”

”The subject of Barton’s dom is not under discussion gentlemen. Please stop all discussion about this topic, or you will find yourselves assigned to our Alaska HQ”

~

”I would hate to be Agent Coulson’s sub. He seems like a prick who would treat a sub like shit”

”Coulson is a man who wouldn’t dare hurt any sub, no matter who they were.. unless they were a bad guy of course. If I ever hear you talk shit about Ph-Coulson again, you’ll be sorry. You dig?”

~

”You’re a prick”

”I know you are, but what am I?”

”Smooth Clint”

”You love it”

”Shut up”

~

”Prick”

”Love you too”

~

”I may now pronounce you Dom and sub… Husband and husband”

Phil pressed a kiss to Clint’s lips. “Prick”

Clint smiled, “Your prick”

”Damn straight”

~

”You fucking prick!”

”I’m sorry Clint…. I never wanted you to believe I was dead”

”You have a lot of making up to do”

Phil smiled as his perfect sub went straight into his arms, almost like no time had passed at all. “Love you too prick”

Clint sniffled.

~

”Papa?”

”What is it princess?”

”Why do you and daddy call each other pricks? What does pricks mean?”

Phil froze, “Uhm… It’s an adult word that you can’t use until you’re at least 12. I’ll tell you what it means then, okay?”

”Okay papa”

~

”Hey dad?”

Clint turned around to smile at his little girl. “Yes baby?”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m 21 years old dad, stop calling me baby”

“Never! Now what did you want to tell me?”

His baby girl blushed, “I think I found my prick..”

Clint grinned at her, “I can’t wait to tell your papa”

“I already told him”

Clint gasped, “And he didn’t tell me? That prick!”

“Phiiiiiiill!!!” Clint whined at the loudest decibel his voice could reach.

Phil grimaced and grabbed another warm towel, crackers, and some flat ginger-ale. “I’m coming Clint!”

Taking a deep breath, Phil braced himself for the stench that was about to hit his nose as soon as he opened the bedroom door.

Gagging slightly as soon as the smell hit his body, Phil tried to put on his favorite ‘Agent Coulson,’ facade, and forced himself closer to the bathroom.

“Phhiiiillll” Clint whined again.

“Here! Here!” Phil squeaked out as he shoved his goodies towards Clint.

Clint looked up from the toilet he was leaning over, smiled, and yanked his goodies away from Phil.

“Thank youuuu” Clint moaned out.

Phil just smiled, gave Clint a pat on the head, and quickly strolled out of the bedroom and the stench.

A week ago Clint had eaten something (Phil was still not quite sure what, and Clint wouldn’t divulge) which caused him to have a nasty case of food poisoning.

For a week, Clint had been practically plastered to the toilet in their bathroom, and the stench had permeated through the entire room.  Phil had moved all of his stuff into the guest room, but usually stayed on the couch in case Clint needed him.

The stench may be ghastly, but his love for Clint was bigger than that.

“Phiiiiiiiil!” Clint whined.

Phil groaned.

*******

Phil smiled and brushed his fingers through Clint’s hair. “The doctors say a couple days of bed-rest and plenty of fluids should knock out any sickness left in you”

Clint nodded and curled closer to Phil, “Mmmkay boss”

“Are you falling asleep?”“Ye”

“On my lap?”

“Ye”

“Why?”

“Room stinks still”

“…. Okay sleep tight”

“Love you”