#after10pm

I still need to get my driving temps, I need to get better at drawing, I need to get a guitar and play, I need to get more involved in school, I need to work on singing and acting, I need to write, I need to come out as trans, I need to pass as a man, I need to be a better person, I need to be happy.

There’s so many things I want to be good at but I feel like I have no time left to do them. Some days I feel hopeful that it’ll all work out, that I’ll be better and work on myself. That I’ll become my own person. But that’s rare. I don’t know how much longer I can live like this, I don’t how how much longer I can keep losing ppl and act like everything is fine.

I want a partner badly but I keep messing shit up every single time like oh my god bro

I’m going into therapy, but not for a long while. Besides, if I mention having quiet bpd, they prob won’t believe me or they’ll think I’m ridiculous. Like I think only 1 person believes I have bpd. Everyone else either doesn’t believe me, I haven’t told them, they forgot, or they don’t gaf. I’ve done my research, and I’ve thought this for well over a year now.

My therapist years ago didn’t think I had adhd when I brought it up. In fact, no one did except my father, who does have ADHD. (And obviously my friends.) and btw, I had been talking with her for a while. Long enough for a PROFESSIONAL THERAPIST to see any signs but yk. I just want help and I want to fix myself, I don’t want to keep hurting the ppl I love. I don’t want to keep messing shit up. It doesn’t help that I was in a pretty long relationship with a horrible person who fucked up my mentality. (And I didn’t realize how badly he messed me up until way after we broke up)

I think I’m just genuinely unlovable ngl 💔 I bet BIG money that someone has liked me, whether that be as a friend or more, and they lost that feeling bc I split, snapped, or whatever. Or maybe they just realized I’m too messed up and didn’t wanna deal with all of that— which is understandable, but it still hurts

Rant below

I really like how they show PTSD and dissociation with hughie or however u spell his name. Bc I personally think it’s really accurate to how ptsd feels like sometimes:

A sudden trigger and you freeze, everything around you goes blank, and you’re back in that moment for just a few seconds before you snap back. I like how they recently portrayed it when he was bowling and the strike of the ball and pins sent him into dissociation, bc of the explosion from last episode

Bc a lot of times I see ptsd shown as like…freaking out, screaming, whatever. And yes, it can definitely be like that! However, it can also just be dissociating. And people just…won’t know you’re currently having flashbacks because you ‘blank out’ for a sec.

I’ve experienced somth recently related to gun shots outside my house (everyone is fine from what I know). and for the first night, I couldn’t even sleep in my room bc I was in my room when it happened. I remember some asshole down the street was setting off fireworks, and I remember freezing or jumping off the couch in fear. Then my heart was racing and I was shaking, and I was back in that moment.

Anyways…I just wanted to appreciate how they portray that in the show :> might be meaningless to some ppl or whatever but I think it’s nice. I also just badly needed to rant abt ts bc I’m not sure a whole lot of ppl gaf when I told them. Like it was just another gossip story to them and not somth that genuinely affected me. Orrr idk they thought I was being dramatic

But holy shittt it’s so tiring. Then I wonder why I have all this anger an pain built up..ITS BC IM AN IDIOTTTT AND DON’T EXPRESS IT AND FIND AN OUTLET IN ANY WAY 💔 but then I feel weird bc I feel like a horrible person. And I don’t want ppl to think I’m lying abt not feeling good for that day just because I’m acting cool. Like so many times I will snap out of my dissociation cuz my friend is talking to me, and I’ll try my best to give them my attention. And this happens every single day. And ofc I’m not mad at my friends, bc how the hell are they supposed to know I’m not feeling good if I don’t show it?? And I don’t really mind when they talk to me. I’m just mad at myself for being a people pleaser and being too afraid to set boundaries. I’m always terrified to say no, because I feel like ppl always get pissed at me when I set boundaries

And I really need to find an outlet. Bc ik that when one thing pisses me off for too long, I snap. And then I ruin everything and nothing will be the same bc my disgusting mouth can’t keep itself shut 💔 so uhhhh yk I think I’m just cooked chat. Cuz this whole week I just want to go home. I’m too afraid to be around ppl rn ngl.

Sometimes I feel like people never really listen to me, or they act like my depression and anxiety have a free trial or somth.

Let me explain that. Yknow how free trials end after a few days and then you kinda forget abt it? That’s what I mean. I tell ppl abt my problems and what bothers me, then I’m cared for and given the comfort I need…until a day or two passes and it’s back to the same shit I was facing before.

It happens with my mom sometimes. I’ve told her countless times how depressed I am, and every time I tell her she acts all surprised. I feel like I have to constantly explain things to ppl bc no one really cares enough to remember. There’s so many times someone will yell at me or say somth that hurts me and I’ll think ‘I told them how that hurts me, I wonder if they even remember I said that.’

I can tell ppl my mental issues over and over but then they’ll yell at me days later when I do somth bc of those issues. Or maybe they won’t yell but they’ll talk shit abt me. Which I understand, sometimes I can come off as an asshole, clingy, and really annoying. But I try to tell ppl that I don’t mean it. I try to apologize for everything bc I feel like a disgusting freak who doesn’t deserve the amazing friends he has. But then I apologize too much and annoy ppl and it’s just a cycle. My mom recently emailed my teachers bc I’ve been really struggling lately and not in a good state. like, badly struggling. Mentally. And it was cool for a day or two, but the next day it went back to normal.

I feel like everyone does this to me, even since I was a kid. And maybe I’m just overthinking and overreacting or doing some stupid shit, but idk. My anxiety is horrible and that’s another thing that ppl don’t get. I can barely stay clean a week lately bc of how bad my anxiety and depression has gotten. Do I know why? Not really🥹 it spikes up like this. And sometimes I don’t want help. I’m lwk terrified of help. But then I beg for it? Like wtf is wrong with me bro. Bc who am I if I’m not depressed? I can’t imagine myself genuinely happy with no anxiety. I’m scared to be okay bc ik somth will trigger me and I’ll fall right back like UGHHHH REF CALL A FOULLLLLLLL

If I did good on the hon us history tests, i wouldn’t have to take the final. So like a 4 or 5 out of 5.