#affect?

I crave consistency and the place I’m eyeing is new, close, and I scoped it and the employees today and they seem very nice and the space seems doable. 😭 (and “close” is relative tbh… “close” in terms of civilization by U.S standards)

I wish everything wasn’t like, so unpredictable. I have a level of stubbornness as to where I don’t quit places at least no matter how bad a day may be. At least, that’s how I treated my old job. And thinking back, while it had perks I would rather not get into how gross that job could get.

Me tired of having to worry about near-biweekly bills and payments that are becoming increasingly less and less sustainable, but getting rid of them is not an option. I am not in a position where I can. (At least one will be gone by 2027 at least.)

I have timetables for when I allot time to commission work 🫡 (even when “closed” I’m still working.) I have never made a real profit from all my grinding 🫩, even if someone was more generous.

Granted, if I am in the headspace to do so whether or not I can may vary. As time goes on I’ve gotten a lot less prompt, which bothers me a lot and making people wait longer and longer intervals makes me icky. It’s been a weird slope since September, high key. …So taking on more wasn’t ideal. I kind of can’t bring myself to take on more until I finish my previous commitments, and even then… I am admittedly not enthused at the prospect.

I have completed a few recently. Baby steps I suppose.

With everything getting more expensive I really don’t feel good about charging more for anybody. Like, folk should hold onto as much as possible for themselves. I already went on a whole diatribe about it a month ago so I probably won’t bear repeating it here. 💀

It feels cruel and advantageous. Like those streaming services who uncharge but aren’t offering much to justify doing so.

Trying day job again just seems like a more apt option at this point. (Not that I wasn’t looking, people just never answered back. 🫩🫩🫩 Which, btw, shitty ahh practice. Really makes me feel like I’m just not qualified for anything.)

but

mpmh

Not enthused of having to re-enter traditional day job work and have upwards of 40 hours of my week dedicated to it. But at least pay is consistent (if disproportionate) and once I’m home it’s over. But physical exhaustion goes up.

Not enthused at having to constantly rely on commission work and spend also just about as much time on them, and while pay can be more than one day at a traditional-job depending on what it is— it is not consistent and it’s technically never over cuz I operate on the whims of a outside cycles. Mental exhaustion goes up.

I’m grown I should have figured this out sooner.

I don’t know. I’ll end up doing something anyway. Lack of security is more pressing

i’m willing just weary and sometimes that whole “wow why dont you want better for yourself” mantra is exhausting

I DO

but can i have some security first or yknow, not weird judgement