#adriithewriter

She’s my best friend. More that even, she’s like the twin sister I never had. We’re so similar, yet so different. She’s a morning person, I’m a night owl. She likes the light of the day, the rays of the sun. I refer to stay in the dark or stay in and not really do much. She can easily start a conversation about anything and everything with anyone, a close friend, or even a stranger. I can’t, I’m too self-conscious, too shy to even say a word, I have a fear of sounding dumb or weird. But her, she doesn’t care. But deep down she carries a burden, a burden of sadness out of her control. She may not show it, but I know it’s there. I know she tends to focus on others, what they have to say, what they want just so that she doesn’t have to face her own demons. But when she does face these demons, it feels like the end of the world. Getting over that feeling of the world ending doesn’t go away by itself. How could it, if she doesn’t even acknowledge it? To her it’s like “Yeah that happened to me, let me just bury it and ignore the feeling, let me just say I’m okay whenever someone asks”. But I know her, I know sometimes she’s not okay. All that is different now. She’s happy. She has found a person that makes life worth living every moment. She’s in love and he loves her. He loves her as she is and isn’t afraid to show it. Yeah, sometimes they argue and sometimes the arguments are brutal. But he still stays. He hasn't left her. I don’t think he’ll leave her anytime soon. They’re building a life together, and honestly I’m happy for them. I’m rooting for their relationship to last. Although I haven’t seen her in a very long time, I know she’s happy. I miss her, I do, but she’s happy. I’m happy she’s happy. She’s my sister and I wouldn’t wish anything but happiness and joy to her and to him as well. I’m jealous he gets to spend so much time with her. Life’s just too complicated for her and I to hang out like before. We’re growing up. We’re at that stage in life where we have to start making a living, where we have to settle down and build a future. She’s at that stage in her life. Maybe in time things will get not all the way back to normal, but maybe her and I will get to see each other soon. In the meantime, I wish her all the best and I want her to know I miss her, and I love her very much.

Did we rush into this? Were we just two lonely people who wanted to love and to be loved? Are we even meant to be together? Do opposites really attract? I’ve come to realize that we’re too different, our attraction towards each other isn't strong enough, it’s one sided. We got together before completely knowing each other. It was a mistake that happened to fast. If we had waited longer for this relationship there might have been a different outcome, or maybe not. Maybe it was my mistake. Maybe I was just too lonely and just needed someone there, but I shouldn't have gotten into this relationship. I wasn't ready. I don't know if i'll ever be ready. I need to love myself, to be okay with my life, to see myself and my actions in a different perspective before I jump into a relationship, before I involve someone else into my sad life. I say sad not because that's how I feel but because I have nothing to show for the past couple months or even years. I haven't accomplished anything, I'm still stuck working at the same shitty restaurant, I'm still not happy with where my life is going so far and I'm not happy with myself. In my eyes I'm not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not athletic enough, not happy enough, I'm just not enough. I have too many issues to impose onto someone else, maybe that person is willing to face these issues with me, but I can't let someone take on this pressure if I can't even handle it myself. I can't let myself bring someone down with my faults and insecurities. I need to work on these on my own. I can't really depend on someone to help me, because I know it won't work in the end. I have to figure it out on my own. Most people say you need someone to help you surpass whatever brings you down. But what if sometimes you don't? What if the answer lies within ourselves and that person can't help us find it? What if we just need time alone enjoying life and doing things we love for just ourselves? Alone we learn to break ourselves, and alone we should be able to learn how to rebuild ourselves without help, to build a better version of ourselves. Maybe alone we can learn to love ourselves.