#admin axxent

It's good that she's opening up to you, because sometimes all you need is just for there to be someone to listen and be there for you. Take it easy, and help her as much as you can. See where things go and take it from there. You shouldn't push her or yourself into something. Solid relationships take time and effort to build. It's hard to give a more exact answer, because every case is so different, but I hope it helped some. You should trust your gut and go with that! Trust in yourself and your feelings!

-- Admin Axxent

Maybe, if you feel like you dare, you could try dropping a hint or two about your feelings, just to see the reaction. If you want a more exact answer, though, and don't like it when it's all vague, then you should probably gather some courage and tell her - that will always be the easiest way to know for sure. She's said she doesn't think she can love anyone, I take it; but love doesn't start as love. There needs to be a base for love to grow from, and since she's opened up to you it must mean she trusts you, right? So you two already have a base, which is a definite good sign. ^^

I'm sorry to hear that, but I hope that we could be of some help at least! I'm so sorry that your parents weren't supportive of your dreams, but I still think that you should go after what makes you happy either way. They should accept whatever makes you smile and brings rainbows and butterflies into your life no matter what, that's what parents are for, at least in my book.

If you feel like you are stuck I think you need to back up a bit and get some perspective on what is going on in your life. Where did it go wrong and how to fix it. Maybe the answer is to go in a completely new direction, and you shouldn't be afraid to do that. Sometimes taking a right at the intersection is just a shortcut of the left turn.

I wish you all the luck in the world and that you find something that really makes you happy. Feel free to ask more questions or vent a little more, it's what we are here for!

I think you should be honest with him and tell him that deleting the messages from this person made you feel weird. It seems to me that you have a very healthy relationship with your boyfriend since this nutbag didn't cause too much harm even after all the trouble he/she went through, and this is a really good thing which you should believe in. Trust is, in my eyes, the most important part of a relationship. If he tells you that he didn't cheat on you, you should trust him if there is no reason for you not to, if you get what I mean.Just sit down and talk this through with him and I'm sure it'll be perfectly fine. Don't let nutbags like this get in between!

--Admin Axxent

I agree with Admin Axxent, Trust and communication are the key elements in all relationships. Just talk to him. Ask him straight out but don't sound accusing. Express your concerns and clear things up with your boyfriend. I hope it works out and the nutbag goes away, cus thats a strange thing to do o.O

--Admin E

Ask your boyfriend straight out why he deleted those conversations because you have a right to know. It's what any strong-willed girl would do, and it's what I would do. Of course, I'm not by any means telling you to expect the worst--it's just a precaution that I think is wise to take. I would also consider these questions: Has your boyfriend been acting suspiciously (apart from deleting the conversations) lately? What was the condition of your relationship before the person started telling you your boyfriend was cheating on you? And, has anything like this ever happened before and if it did, how did it turn out?

I have some pretty short and heads-on advise for you; Ask him!! Just build up the courage and ask him! If you really want to know it's the only way you can get the answer. There is no point in trying to figure it out by his actions, because that will only be confusing and lead to misreadings and all kinds of weirdness.Take a leap of faith! I promise that it'll feel a lot better when you know, (if not knowing bothers you that is). You never know what awesome adventure you two might start together if you are just honest about what you want!

--Admin Axxent

~

Just think; you're sitting here asking yourself if he likes you, without saying anything out loud, what if he's doing the same thing at his end...

-- Admin Nee

~

All I can say is, listen to Admin Nee. She has an excellent point. Otherwise, I'm not experienced with relationships and such (though people say I give great relationship advice, go figure), so I won't say very much on this matter. But I will say this: It won't be easy to find the answer to this question unless you go and look for it yourself. :)

~Admin MM

--

Definitely ask! The very worst feeling is regret so even if he doesn't like you back, the hurt from rejection is only temporary. Going the rest of your life regretting is the worst.

It's really no problem at all, it's what we're here for! ^ ^

~Admin MM

It's what we are here for!  We are all just happy to help in any way we can.

After J's inspiring talk I thought I'd follow in her footsteps, so here we go:

Six years ago I had this best friend that was truly amazing in every way. We had tons of fun together even though we'd only known each other for six months or so. Just as normal, life goes up and down, things happen and we didn't spend as much time together and I panicked. I made up things that I thought would make me more interesting and it worked, but of course it caught up with me. When she found out she was of course hurt and we haven't spoken a word since.

This story really isn't what I want to talk about, it's the personal after math. Of course I felt horrible after doing what I did, and I have no idea what I was thinking when I made the decision to lie like that. For five years I carried this around until one day when I woke up and realized that I wasn't craving her forgiveness, because she probably won't even remember me now, I was craving my own. I needed to realize that I had to forgive myself for what I did, and that it didn't make me a horrible person even though what I did was horrible. We all do stupid things, but we can all find comfort in the fact that there is actually a theory in physics that states that nothing can be perfect, and this applies to humans too. What matters isn't if we screw up, what matters is what you do about it. Sadly it took me too long to figure out what my problem was to right my wrong, but hopefully I can help someone reading this, and for me that's enough.

When I finally got it, it dawned on me how much this experience changed me for the better. I never lie now, not even small lies. If someone asks for my opinion, I will tell them *exactly* what I think, even if it's harsh it's better than lying. I've learned to cherish and appreciate my friends in the way they deserve. Most of all, I've learned how to forgive myself, and that has helped me a lot. Just small things, like saying no to a friend because I need to be alone is much easier because I know they understand, and I don't have to feel bad about it.

Forgiveness is hard. There is no formula or theory that tells you how it should be done, and even if it's the same scenarios it depends on the people involved if it's the same outcome. You should *never* listen to advise on whether you should forgive a person or not. You can ask for peoples opinion, but that's it, because forgiveness is about as personal as it gets. No one else will know your situation the way you do, no one will understand completely how you feel, no one can tell you what's right for you. Believe in yourself, because you are the only one with the right answer!

And most importantly: Never hold a grudge against yourself. Take the time you need and think things through, see what you can take form the experience and grow as a person. Become even more amazing than you already are, break the rules of physics, reach the clouds. Sometime all you need is time, and don't be afraid of that.

Take your eyes, put them at the horizon and go there! Failing isn't falling down, it's staying down.

of my time with both of them for the first week (it was 3 weeks) before a friend of both A and I (who had also guessed that A liked C) told me that A thought that C liked me or I liked him. I was shocked because it had never crossed my mind and I didn't think C liked me either. A started to act differently and would get weird if I even WALKED beside C. She apparently talked to our mutual friend about C and I all the time. After the first week, it started to become just C and I more, because we nominate activities and A had chosen some different things. There was a transition in C and I's dynamic and I started to think of him differently. C and I finally discussed A's crush on him and he said that he was really weirded out by it (she was quite aggressive with it and obvious) which I had begun to suspect. The mutual friend asked what was going on and I admitted I thought I might like him, though I wasn't sure if it was just because he was 'there' or if I would anyway. I didn't know where C stood initially, but then it became obvious he liked me as well although we never discussed it. A didn't know any of this but was really upset about the time we'd been spending together but wouldn't acknowledge the real reason. She complained to the mutual friend that he was 'touchy' with me, and she thought he liked me. She then told me for the first time about her crush on him, though claimed she was over it, but I think she was warning me off. It really changed her attitude to me.

The thing is, nothing really happened between C and I. We live a long way from each other and we discussed other people's long distance relationships and both said what a bad idea they were so it was clear where we both stood. And I denied to A that he liked me, to avoid hurting her I guess. I don't think she really believed me though. But it made me wonder, did I do the wrong thing? I didn't seek C out and I was friends with him first, hadn't even considered it. I also didn't steal him away because he wasn't interested in her so nothing was going to happen. She hadn't acknowledged to me that she liked him, and I didn't set out to 'take' him from her. Still, I felt a little guilty. And after getting home and thinking back, I'm wondering if the view I took of it was correct or if she was right to be angry? I'm confused because as I said, I don't really understand the 'rules' between girls and my friends are mostly guys so I can't ask them. Sorry this is so long!!

---------------------------

No, you didn't do the wrong thing. There's nothing wrong at all with what happened between you, A, and C.

There's no such thing as having dibs on someone because they happened to "like them first". God, no. If the other person reciprocated your feelings, then, yeah, go for it, but if s/he doesn't then it's a free for all. You did absolutely nothing wrong by liking him or even just hanging out with him.

Just because one friend happens to like another friend doesn't mean YOU can't be their friend anymore. A was very immature in thinking that she had a right to C because she liked him first. She also should have talked with YOU about her "observations" instead of your mutual friend - this would have made things clear and caused less tension.

So, go frolic, sing, run through a field of wildflowers because YOU, Anon, are not in the wrong and you experienced one of those romance (ish) stories of meeting someone you like on a random trip that I have yet to experience!

吻吻爱爱 J!

________________________________________

Anon,

If you ever, Ever, EVER find out about any "rules" about relationships between guys and girls, please tell me. I don't exactly believe in "all's fair in love and war," but I just don't think anyone could be held accountable for anything when it comes to love. I mean, even if A had told you about the crush and asked you not to lead him on or anything, but he still preferred you, whose fault is that? Definitely not yours. And since she said she was over him and all that, she doesn't have a right to get mad at you about it.

I know, 'cause I always hung out with guys in elementary school and then going to an all-girls' high school was a HUGE change. Dating (especially when friends come into the equation) is always hard in that situation. Period. But being naturally comfortable around guys is something most girls envy about girls with that talent. Be proud of that trait, by the way. It helps.

But, the moral of my ramble? You did absolutely nothing wrong. I promise, A will get over it and laugh and say "I don't know why I even liked him in the first place," like we ALL do (....okay, most of us do). Don't worry about it, but if she brings it up again, talk it out and put her trust to the test. Friendships are built on trust, after all.

Okay, I'm done now. Good luck with everything, doll! We're always here if you need anything else!

Momma A

-------------------------------------

Hi Anon,

I totally agree with all of the above. During the last seven years of my life I've been studying technology, computers, electronics, basically all "boy"-stuff which mean there aren't a lot of girls around, hence, I have only guy friends. There will always be the eternal discussion whether people are hooking up when a guy and a girl hangs out, it's just human nature... You did absolutely nothing wrong, at all. Even if in this case there was feelings involved, I'd say that as long as neither part has a partner you can't put blame on anyone that has feelings, or makes a move. In my mind it's actually A that made the mistake of not talking to C and expressing her feelings in words, rather than signals. If she had done this she would have known if C liked her, and if not she could have moved on and things would be peachy.

.... I started having thoughts about death a lot as well, I'm not suicidal, but I just don't know, it's not good. I don't really know what you can say but I just needed to let this out. I guess it's just anxiety and stress getting to me. Thanks (sorry for dragging this into 2 questions)

--

Hello Anon!I know what you are going through, because I'm in the middle of it myself. I'm in my third year at university, so I consider myself to have a considerate amount of experience with this.The main advise I can give you is: Take a step back and find your perspective again. It's easy to get lost in the piles of essays, labs and exams, but you need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

Find a good routine and stick to it! Devote a certain amount of time for school a day, and when you are done you are done, no matter how much there is still to be done. And never forget to take regular breaks to clear your head so that you can focus better. Most important: DO SOMETHING FUN! Hang out with friends, play the guitar, draw, sing, build a huge boat if that's something you'd enjoy!

You should definitely reconsider talking to your friends, it's what they are for! I sure they would listen, and it's good to have someone that knows, maybe they can help you more than you think.

Drop the smoking immediately! It's an addiction that will only drain your energy without bringing any good what so ever. D: Stop while you still can.

Don't lose faith in yourself, remember that you are amazing.

My advice though would be this: During these times when you feel anxious find something that calms you. Try this, breathe deep through your nose to your navel and out through the mouth, close your eyes while doing this and picture your pulling in good air, (give it a color, for example mines yellow, makes me happy ^^) and pushing out the bad air and anxiety (give that a color as well like black)   focus on your breathing and only your breathing for as long as it takes to calm down. The colors help make focusing easier.

-- Admin E

You should try this, it really helps. And if you are in class, go outside if it's possible to give yourself some space.

Prioritize what you need to get done, and slowly work off the list when you feel that you can. Your health and wellbeing is the absolute top priority, nothing comes before that.

I hope this helps, and if you feel like you need more don't hesitate a second to send a million asks if that's what you need!

It get's better, I promise.

-- Admin Axxent

I agree with everything Admin Axxent said, and I really just want to stress the importance of talking to your friends. Even just getting it out is always a huge relief, especially crying with somebody. Do you have anyone you feel you could do that with? If so, I really think it would help a lot.

And like Admin Axxent said, send however many asks you want, say whatever you'd like, and I hope that we can make you feel better somehow!

-- Admin Nee

Talk to your friends, I find that it often helps best to talk about things like this with someone of your age rather than a grown up, because adults tend to all say pretty much the same thing, and chances are that, like Admin Nee said, even just letting your friends know what you're going through can be really helpful in de-stressing! ^^

Try and focus on the good things in life, and like the other admins said, talk to us as much as you want! That's what we're here for! ^^