#m-l

After J's inspiring talk I thought I'd follow in her footsteps, so here we go:

Six years ago I had this best friend that was truly amazing in every way. We had tons of fun together even though we'd only known each other for six months or so. Just as normal, life goes up and down, things happen and we didn't spend as much time together and I panicked. I made up things that I thought would make me more interesting and it worked, but of course it caught up with me. When she found out she was of course hurt and we haven't spoken a word since.

This story really isn't what I want to talk about, it's the personal after math. Of course I felt horrible after doing what I did, and I have no idea what I was thinking when I made the decision to lie like that. For five years I carried this around until one day when I woke up and realized that I wasn't craving her forgiveness, because she probably won't even remember me now, I was craving my own. I needed to realize that I had to forgive myself for what I did, and that it didn't make me a horrible person even though what I did was horrible. We all do stupid things, but we can all find comfort in the fact that there is actually a theory in physics that states that nothing can be perfect, and this applies to humans too. What matters isn't if we screw up, what matters is what you do about it. Sadly it took me too long to figure out what my problem was to right my wrong, but hopefully I can help someone reading this, and for me that's enough.

When I finally got it, it dawned on me how much this experience changed me for the better. I never lie now, not even small lies. If someone asks for my opinion, I will tell them *exactly* what I think, even if it's harsh it's better than lying. I've learned to cherish and appreciate my friends in the way they deserve. Most of all, I've learned how to forgive myself, and that has helped me a lot. Just small things, like saying no to a friend because I need to be alone is much easier because I know they understand, and I don't have to feel bad about it.

Forgiveness is hard. There is no formula or theory that tells you how it should be done, and even if it's the same scenarios it depends on the people involved if it's the same outcome. You should *never* listen to advise on whether you should forgive a person or not. You can ask for peoples opinion, but that's it, because forgiveness is about as personal as it gets. No one else will know your situation the way you do, no one will understand completely how you feel, no one can tell you what's right for you. Believe in yourself, because you are the only one with the right answer!

And most importantly: Never hold a grudge against yourself. Take the time you need and think things through, see what you can take form the experience and grow as a person. Become even more amazing than you already are, break the rules of physics, reach the clouds. Sometime all you need is time, and don't be afraid of that.

Take your eyes, put them at the horizon and go there! Failing isn't falling down, it's staying down.