#actually depressing

First, I want to apologize. I promised you all that when I get back, I would fix everything on the Youtube channel and get it all organized and back on schedule again. I hate breaking promises and if the circumstances weren't what they are (I'll get to it later in this post), I would 100% prioritize that. I honestly don't know what's going to happen over the next couple weeks, but I am in no way leaving Youtube. Hell it may end up being my coping method and I just make ridiculous amounts of videos. I just don't know if I'm going to feel up to it and I know I'm going to lose subs for it, but please at least read the rest of this before you go unsub. I also want to quickly apologize because I promised a vlog with Dana and I, but it's just not going to happen. 

Okay. Good news before all the bad stuff. Good news, I finally purchased a capture card! I thought about it and it helps me not run into as many errors (I think the worst thing that can happen now is my facecam video stops in a video, but my gameplay will keep going). It should be getting here in a few weeks and I'm really looking forward to that.

And now we go to the bad stuff.

I don't talk about this here at all, but for the past few years my mother has been fighting liver cancer. Everything was up and down for a few years, with one treatment all but eradicating her cancer. Then, around last Christmas when I stayed with her (you can see me at the house in some of the later FNAF videos), I found out that it had started to come back. She was going to go through chemo to weaken it and then a trial surgery to hopefully get rid of it. We had a plan and for all I knew she was going to be fine. As I was heading to the airport for the trip, I called her and I found out she had a lot of fluid building up in her stomach and she wasn't doing as well. The cancer had taken over enough of her liver that it was starting to affect her. She said the doctors had a plan and if it didn't work, she would have a few months. 

I got a call the day after from my grandmother telling me that her kidneys are failing and that she has a couple days. Today, she was moved to hospice and I haven't heard anything. I'm thinking people just forgot to let me know when she got there. (Idk optimistic thoughts). I'll be heading home early to stay with her, but I don't know what;s going to happen after that. I don't know how I'm going to handle her passing emotionally and even though she's been fighting this for so long, it feels like it came out of nowhere. I honestly don't know what's going to happen in the next couple weeks and I just don't want to promise anything. There's going to be a lot of legal stuff to figure out and I have no idea about the logistics of being an orphan. I mean I'm an adult, so maybe there isn't much, but I don't know. 

I'm making this post, not for sympathy or pity, or anything like that. I just value transparency and I feel like you all have a right to know why I'm not able to keep my promises right now. Thank you in advance for those of you who will stick with me on the page and the channel throughout all this and I understand if some of you want to unsub/unfollow. 

If anyone else has gone through this, I would appreciate the chance to talk maybe?

And the one thing I do ask all of you not to do is tell me you hope she will get better. I know it comes from a good place (you all are wonderful people), but she's not getting better and I just hate the reminder that it's hopeless and inevitable.