Transition Tuesday 11.26.24

I thought this was going to be just another “why I left xyz religion” video, but it turns into an amazing conversation piece about how we should speak to each other. Please watch this!

I wanted to share something that happened recently at a gig. This post is not me saying I ticked all the boxes and did all the right things at the right time. Part of my own problem is doubting myself and my reaction to things. The reason I'm even typing it up is as a reminder to myself and anyone else that it's important to look out for each other at gigs and anywhere really. Before I get into what happened (and I don't believe it requires content warnings as it was not serious, thankfully) a useful tool is learning about the "D's" of an active bystander. There are various versions out there, one of which can be found here and I've summarised below: Distract: A a subtle and creative way to intervene. Its aim is simply to derail the incident of harassment by interrupting it.

Delegate: Asking a third party for help with intervening in harassment

Document: Either recording or taking notes on an instance of harassment. It can be really helpful to record an incident of harassment, but there are some keys for safely and responsibly documenting harassment

Delay: Even if we can’t act in the moment, we can still make a difference for someone who’s been harassed by checking in on them after... Many types of harassment happen in passing or very quickly, and it’s not always possible we’ll have a chance to intervene in another way. But we don’t have to just ignore what happened and move on. We can help reduce that person’s trauma by speaking to them after an instance of harassment. 

Direct: Sometimes, we may want to respond directly to harassment by naming the inappropriate behaviour confronting the person doing harm. Use this one with caution, because Direct intervention can be risky – the person harassing may redirect their abuse towards the intervening bystander, or may escalate the situation in another way.

A note about safety: Don't get hurt while trying to help someone out. Always prioritise safety, and consider possibilities that are unlikely to put you or anyone else in harm’s way. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - So what was it that happened? In the grand scheme of things, nothing especially dramatic, but equally, it's an important reminder of looking out for people around you, whether you know them or not. I've gone into detail where possible just to outline how mundane and low level things may seem, but that it's important not to overlook things and trust your instincts.

I was at a gig in London; my partner's band were playing. A female friend of my partner who we'll call "Sammy" came along to watch him. There was also a drunk, hefty man around 6'10" tall who I'd seen earlier buying a beer for a couple of folks from one of the other bands; he seemed in good spirits and friendly. We'll refer to him as "DW" (You can make your own mind up of what that stands for). DW approached Sammy and me a couple of times to comment on something, e.g. My earplugs. He even took hold of Sammy's face to see if she was wearing any. A little forward, but we didn't want to make a fuss over unwanted/unexpected/unpermitted physical contact. We knew he was drunk and just let him off, in a sense. It was also quite intimidating just how massive he was. His hand literally fit over Sammy's head and most of her face. DW wandered about the venue - a small and busy pub - and hung around with us every now and then. He kept trying to talk with Sammy and she was friendly and polite, but gave signals that she wasn't seeking out his company. I couldn't hear the conversation at all times as it was a loud gig and I was behind the merch table, but I could read her body language. Sammy had his back to him and he kept trying to get her attention and pranking her, pretending I wanted her attention; basically just messing around. DW then started trying to give Sammy a shoulder rub. He looked over at me and I shook my head and wagged my finger at him. She kept laughing nervously, and I was trying to keep it light because I felt like it might escalate with someone as drunk as him. He stopped. He kept miming to do it again (about 6 times) and I kept shaking my head, trying to laugh it off. Eventually someone he recognised from another band took him outside, presumably having seen he was being a nuisance (I wasn't able to confirm).

Later, after the bands had played, DW was outside in the smoking area and was talking to 2 women who he'd essentially cornered and was towering over. I saw they were uncomfortable and made up an excuse that they were 2 friends who hadn't seen each other in ages, so DW should leave them be (Distract). He then joined our group and I said to him that he shouldn't have been trying to massage Sammy and that he can't just go round acting like that generally. I put it quite bluntly in phrasing and tone (Direct). He denied having done that and also said he didn't care, before staggering off. I then spoke to the 2 women and they said he'd kept approaching them all night; one of them was clearly upset by something else and said to me she was not having a good day and just wanted to talk with her friend. I went to the bar, and because it was so loud, I had typed up a text message on my phone and showed it to the bar staff, who clocked DW. I said they shouldn't serve him any more alcohol and that he had been harassing women (Delegate). I then went outside for a while. When I came back in, DW was nowhere to be seen. He had been kicked out when he sat himself down at a table of women he didn't know and started helping himself to one of their drinks. I later relayed this to some of the men that had seen and interacted with DW. They didn't really know what to say but seemed disappointed that someone behaved in that way. I felt like it was important to tell them what he had been up to, so that they could be aware that shit like this - and worse - happens at gigs and that we have to look out for each other. A really good organisation to support when it comes to safe gigs for women is an organisation called just that! https://www.facebook.com/safegigsforwomen

I took my family to a local festival today, and while we were there we came across some kids horsing about. A teen girl and her friend, talking to another teen boy I don't think they knew. Girl was vaping, and new boy was angling for it. There was a bit of back-and-forth but what came out of the mix was that he needed to say please, and then he said: "I ain't saying please to a woman"

Reader, this boy was <16 years old and already that misogyny as humour/flirting was deep in his soul. My blood ran cold. I could see she felt vulnerable, her friend was no help. I had my own kids with me and my heart broke that *this* is still, in 2023, the world they are being brought into. I didn't know what to say, and I shamed myself by grabbing my kids tighter and moving on. In my hope that they didn't witness it, I showed them that it's OK to let stuff like that fly. It's not - and it's been eating me up since. I know what I'd say now:

(To him) Hey. That's not OK.

Show some respect. If you want something, you say please. My 3 year old knows better than that.

You say please, and if she says no, you respect that.

If she says she doesn't want to talk to you, you respect that, and you jog on.

(To her) Are you alright? You don't have to accept anyone talking to you like that, and you're safe here with us

We can't let the fear in ourselves (heck yes I was intimidated by this weedy teen, and I'm 30+ years old) allow that fear to pass on to another generation. This was crystallising for me. Stand up for one another. Stand up for the future. Stop teaching girls to accept this (and yes you do teach them that when you don't show them otherwise!!) and stop teaching boys that it's OK to act with aggression like the world owes them every damn thing.

That people will tag posts as “#CasualAbleism” and then they still reblog it... like if you’re going to acknowledge ableism in the post, why would you still share it? Maybe you’re doing it as a sort of trigger warning, but why? If you actually care about people with disabilities you wouldn’t share something you find ableist.