#acosas

Happy Thanksgiving 🍁🦃 🍽

It's almost the holidays again so I sat my butt and forced myself to write, even if it was torture, as a gift for anyone still reading this fic.

Enjoy haha.

Chapter Length: 2,665 Words.

(Approximate) Reading Time: 11 min

Pairing: (Eventual) Azriel x Reader; (budding) Azriel & Mc/Starlight friendship, general inner circle friendships.

Warnings: canon typical stuff, allusions of PTSD , that's it I think.

After the incident with Elain a few days ago, I was back to being babysat when around the house- but especially if Nesta was nearby, which I found absolutely ridiculous, although I understood where the others were coming from, despite how much it grated on my nerves.

But for now, while the rest of the inner circle were gathered in the House of Wind, waiting for another visit from Lucien, I found myself staring down at a full bathtub, fidgeting from foot to foot and picking at my cuticles.

I’d decided that today was the day, truly; I was going to take an actual bath instead of this silly washing I’d been doing since… then.

Except… I’d been standing over the fucking bathtub for over twenty minutes now, staring down at the water as if it were about to jump out at me and drown me, incapable of actually stepping inside.

How pathetic that I couldn’t even enter the tub, like a scared child in need of their parents to soothe them of their fears.

Slowly falling to my knees beside the full bathtub, I slammed the side of my fist on the lip of the tub; my only outlet for my frustrations as they bled over.

Helpless.

Slam.

Childish.

Slam.

Stupid.

Slam.

My eyes burned with tears that I refused to allow myself to shed, despite how frustrated I was with myself.

But I wasn’t going to cry about this.

“What are you doing?”

I startled at the sudden voice, turning my burning, blurry vision towards my now open bathroom door.

Through the blurriness of the tears swimming in my eyes, the blue glow of siphons I’d come to recognise were the first things I could identify, revealing the dark blur just outside of my bathroom door to be Azriel.

“Wha-what are you doing here?” I sniffled, blinking away the wetness in my eyes as best as I could.

I watched as Azriel tilted his head, his narrowed eyes analysing the scene he’d stumbled into, the few of Az’s shadows that were not hiding in corners were moving around his shoulders slow as molasses.

“I asked first.” the male rebuked, not without what I’d come to identify as his gentle quietness he reserved for those he saw as friends or family- or in my case, someone he constantly had to keep from getting themselves into trouble.

I looked away from his intense, searching gaze, embarrassment suddenly joining into the cocktail of negative feelings that had been swirling around my chest.

“Your shields are down; you’re spreading your feelings around… the whole block, I think; so I came to check on you.” Azriel explained once it became clear to him that I wasn’t willing to be forthcoming on the matter.

“Also Penumbra came to get me.” The last part was said a little awkwardly as the little shadow darted in my direction and took her rightful place around my wrist.

Oh.

Now that I focused on it, I could feel hundreds of feelings that weren’t my own, Azriel’s worried confusion included, but I could also tell that I really was pushing my own negative feelings onto others.

Oh, now I owed him an explanation for this.

“I’m… I’m trying to take a bath.” I leaned my forehead against the lip of the tub, unable to even look in his direction as I confessed to what had been one of my greatest points of shame since… since the incident in Hybern. “I haven’t been able to do it since… then.”

“You’re scared of the tub?” Though I could sense confusion and worry, there was none of the mocking judgement I expected to find- in his tone or feelings- over me being scared of a tub of water.

I nodded, the skin of my forehead moving uncomfortably against the porcelain made warm by the water.

A hesitant silence.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” He sounded gentle and genuine and he felt it too; he wanted to help me, no judgement.

The sigh I let out had my whole body deflating.

“Unless you know how to keep me from completely freaking out as soon as I step in the water, then no.” I told him, perhaps a little more curt than I wanted to be, but right now I was feeling too many things to care- besides, Az could feel what I was feeling right now; he was smart and so I trusted him to understand.

“I don’t know about keeping you from ‘freaking out’ completely, but… maybe I can help you.” Azriel’s voice came from closer now, one of his hands settling on my shoulder in a friendly and comforting manner.

I shrugged, willing to try nearly anything as long as I managed to get the bath I was hoping for.

“I need you to trust me.” He told me patiently.

What a silly male, I found myself thinking, nearly amused. I told him I trust him already.

“You already know I do.” I voiced my thoughts.

A deep inhale. “Alright; up you get.”

I tensed as hands grabbed my forearms, pulling me gently to my feet and then immediately sweeped me off them, Azriel now holding me princess style as he stepped- a bit awkwardly- into the bathtub.

Az quickly set me on my feet inside the tub, making sure to stand close behind me while I leaned back in apprehension, my back to his chest as the hot water that reached our calves slowly climbed up the fabric of our pants like desperate, reaching hands, threatening to pull us under.

Threatening to unmake us.

“Your clothes will get wet.” I observed tonelessly, my voice sounding far away to my own ears as I stared at my feet below the water, warping delicately with the lazy movement of the liquid.

“That’s fine.” Was his only reply, but then his hands were on my shoulders, gently guiding me down until both of us were sitting down inside the full bathtub, the water reaching up to my chest; making it harder to breathe and had my whole body tensing up so much that my muscles immediately started to ache dully.

Once my brain registered what was happening, I found my body lurching forward against my own will in a desperate attempt to stand up and get out, but a strong arm settled just below my collarbones and something settled over my eyes, holding me in place in this water that was freezing me and burning me, blacker than the night sky.

I was dying and someone was holding me down, killing me, just to bring me back!

“It’s okay; you’re okay.” A voice I distantly recognised promised. “It’s just water, and I won’t let it hurt you.” They tried to soothe me.

“It hurts, it’s killing me!” I desperately tried clawing my way out, but was held firmly in place despite my efforts.

“You won’t die; I won’t let anything hurt you.” The arms around me tightened, bur not enough to hurt. “I’ll never let anything hurt you again, if I can help it.”

I wanted to believe that voice, but they were holding me down in the blackness!

“You’re okay.” The voice insisted.

And since I couldn’t fight them, no matter how hard I tried, since I had nothing I could do to fight against the voice or it’s grip around me, I forced myself to believe them, trying to focus on something that wasn’t the panic or the fear.

My breathing was too fast, I had to slow it down.

I tried focusing on that, but no matter how much I tried, my breaths still came out stuttery and stillted and still far too fast; once I realised that I wasn’t going to be able to regulate my breathing, I moved onto something else.

The water.

The water wasn’t freezing or scalding, I told myself, it was just warmer than my preferred temperature.

And It made me feel sweaty somehow, despite being in water.

But it wasn’t hurting me, so it couldn’t be the Cauldron.

It couldn’t be unmaking my very being to turn me into something else because it wasn’t hurting me to do that.

The water was safe, or… as safe as it could possibly be.

Next I set my attention on the arm around me: firm and steady but gentle, despite how large they were; they also weren’t hurting me, but holding me softly and carefully, almost holding me together, in my current, panicked state.

They weren’t doing anything to hurt me.

They weren’t doing anything to hurt me.

I repeated that mantra a few times before I could actually believe it, but eventually, I did.

And lastly, I focused on the steady breathing hitting the shell of my ear, only realising now that I had subconsciously calmed and matched my breathing to Azriel’s.

Azriel, who was behind me, helping me.

“Okay?” Azriel asked after a few quiet seconds of stillness, removing his hand from over my eyes.

The sudden from the window had me wincing away.

As an answer to his question, I shrugged, unclenching aching fingers, which I had, in my panic, brought up to grip at Azriel’s forearm, leaving crescent-shaped indents on the surface of his skin- though he didn’t seem to mind.

We sat there together for a couple of minutes, our clothes absolutely drenched, especially after my panicked writhing, but Az didn’t utter a single word or complaint as he waited for… something.

“I think… I’m okay.” I finally sighed, feeling drained from this whole ordeal.

“Okay.” Azriel confirmed, moving to get out of the tub.

As soon as he made to walk away, the panic was back, and it had me scrabbling to grip onto his hand, water sloshing over the tub.

Azriel turned back, waiting patiently.

“I… please, don’t go far.” I begged, pathetic to my own ears.

The curious tilt of his brows softened and his feelings along with them, turning into something gentle and caring that I couldn’t quite describe.

“I wasn’t going to, but I’ll be just outside.” He promised, squeezing my hand, then walking out and moving to shut the door behind him.

“Don’t close it.” I hardly cared for modesty right now, not when Azriel knew, had seen and had felt me get scared of the water, as if I were a child.

“Okay.” Az confirmed, searching around thoughtfully, and it was almost comical, the way he was looking around my room with a critical eye, all the while dripping water on the wood flooring.

But at last his eyes lit up with an idea and Azriel moved back towards the bathroom door before sitting down against the wall right near the door frame, in such a way that I could see his stretched out legs from the tub but he would not see into the bathroom unless he turned his body and leaned over.

“This okay?” His voice rung out suddenly, starling to hear without seeing his face speak.

“Yeah, yeah… this is perfect; thanks, Azriel.” I nodded despite knowing that he obviously couldn’t see me right now.

I stripped down, throwing my clothes beside the tub with amusing, wet ‘plop’s.

Although I bathed quickly, scrubbing at my skin a little more harshly than I should, if the way it after stung was any indication, I also worked on rebuilding my shields, and by the end, I felt cleaner and better than I had since… then.

A real bath made all the difference in the world, evidently.

I stepped out of the tub feeling simultaneously more relaxed and tenser than I had before my bath: although my muscles felt loose and pliant after the (too) warm water, my head was moving faster than I could keep up with and without a single focus.

I dressed myself in the clothes I’d left on top of the sink: simple, loose pants and a t-shirt; appropriate lounge wear, seeing as I had no plans of leaving the house today.

Spotting myself in the mirror, I took a moment to take myself in: the way my hair was dripping on my shirt, the way my chest moved slow and steady with my breathing and the way I didn’t look completely miserable in the same way I had been after I had cleaned myself yesterday.

It was probably silly that a simple bath could affect my disposition so much, but suddenly I was feeling… optimistic.

I gave my own reflection a tentative smile before moving towards the door, ready to relieve Azriel of his duty as the sentinel standing guard outside my bathroom door.

His clothes and the floor were dry now, and it occurred to me that Azriel probably used his magic to to dry the water, which… I’d never thought of doing before.

How silly of me.

Azriel rose to his feet smoothly, his eyes taking in my form, looking for any signs of injuries or discomfort, perhaps.

“I’m okay, but thank you for helping me, Azriel.” I laughed, feeling awkward as I pushed gently at my cuticles, noting that I should probably get my nails done sometime soon, as Mor had been pushing me to do.

“I… have you been having trouble since Hybern?” He questioned, sounding… worried.

I couldn’t stand to look at his face. “Yes.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Azriel asked, confused and even… hurt, if i was interpreting his tone right. “Any of us would have been willing to help. Mother above, Mor might have gotten into a slap fight to be able to wash your hair.” He said the last part jokingly, trying to lift my mood even though we both knew Mor would truly and gladly get into a fight to be allowed the chance to have a life-sized doll, so to speak, for a few hours.

Shrugging at first, the earnestness with which he was looking at me had me folding. “It’s embarrassing.”

“To be scared?”

“Yes! And to need help to take a fucking bath as if I were a five-year-old! It’s pathetic!” I shouldered past the Illyrian, walking from one end of the room to the other, feeling trapped.

When I turned to walk back, of course he was there, watching me what that curious gaze, his head tilted like a puppy, but all the while his body was tense and still as a wolf ready to pounce.

“What?” I questioned, confused.

“I’m just wondering… if you thought Cassian was pathetic for needing help with his wings’ rehabilitation.” Azriel’s eyes narrowed, his voice almost accusing.

“What!?” Of course not!” I backed up when he took a slow step forward.

“Then was Elain pathetic for needing your help to come back to herself after the Cauldron?” He pressed on.

I tried not to flinch at the mention of that thing. “You know I don’t think that!”

“Or when Rhys was in his head while Feyre was spying on Spring? Was that pathetic?”

“Okay! I get your point, Azriel.” I turned away from him, tired of his intense eyes looking at me as they were. “You can go.”

Azriel sighed. “… All i meant with all of this is that… You don’t judge anyone else as harshly as you do yourself; you worry so much less for your own well being than everyone else’s. Why are you so much kinder to everyone who isn’t you?”

Azriel’s clothes ruffled as he turned to leave.

With dropping shoulders, I made an effort to be kinder to myself.

“Azriel…” I began as I turned back towards the Illyrian.

He turned towards me, gaze curious, maybe hopeful.

“Can you come back tomorrow?” I requested, having a hard time continuing to look at him, but making the effort. “Can you come back and… help me?”

Chapter Five is coming along and we get some Mor & Az bonding time!

We start with the just straight two legs on the floor

He sat through the opening ceremony like that and then we get to the Wesper panel

He crossed his legs (however so intriguing, i promise, just sit this through)

Then, im not sure if this was before or after the knee over knee but we have the one leg up (i fully understand that this, if you have enough space, is a wonderful way to sit)

He signed autographs sitting (i believe) with two feet on the floor. (Also he was so nervous and apparently he was saying thank you to fans and he is the literal embodiment of Wylan)

Then he sat on air (this is just my new favourite photo so I had to include it)

I have no idea what was going on here but oh how I understand how comfortable it is to sit like that (until my hips get sore of course)

And in the closing ceremony he sat with his feet squished onto the chair until he just migrated to sitting on the edge

A court of grief and talons

A court of smoke and secrets

So here are the titles and mood boards for Tamlin's and Eris's books. I hope you like them!

If you get confused by the pictures let me reveal that Tamlin has a really special love interest...