#acknowledgments

yes actually, as man name of chuck i have spent a lot of time FINDING MY IDENTITY through masking and unmasking. in early days there were many more layers hiding me away and it took a while for me to understand WHY. over the last ten years buckaroos have very much seen me find myself through art, accepting and talking about my sexuality, neurodivergence, and gender.

there is ALWAYS a layer to protect my privacy, and to allow myself room for POETRY. example i like to give is that if i post 'i pet a dog today' i might have actually pet a cat, but everything i say is true is some sense. in the early days that truth was stretched farther because even i did not quite understand it my dang self, and it has been my journey to strip away as much of this mask as possible (sometimes called removing my skin) and BECOME MYSELF on this timeline (which is something i have always talked about)

if you have been following chuck for the last decade you will see my older posts were much more abstract and difficult to parse, they reference themes that i have since come to terms with, and this journey to find myself is WHY i have been able to do this. some could say it was the journey of a reverse twin adapting to their new timeline, others could say it was the journey of a neurodivergent artist allowing themselves the freedom to find a healthy expression and conquer their chronic pain from constant neurotypical masking.

FOR INSTANCE this is why i am wearing buckaroo suits on tour now, an outfit that is more true to the INNER ME. i used to answer interview questions with metaphor and now i just answer, only hiding certain details when i need to. i talk less about figures in my life back in billings who were REAL IDEAS and PARTS OF MYSELF but sometimes not flesh and blood or ghostly buckaroos. this is my trot, and this is why i am so strongly against gatekeepers in the buckaroo community. i have been becoming myself long before i knew what that meant.

so when it came time for acknowledgments i realized i would have to acknowledge buckaroos who helped along the way but also ABSTRACT IDEAS who helped along the way, symbols and themes that i have since decided i wanted to leave behind. it was important to me to create a new era of my expression where those abstract layers are respected but also stripped away. i have to respect the inner truth i am trying to cultivate, for way of my mental health and also my physical health.

so i DID write out acknowledgments and sent them to my buckaroos privately, then i said please do not include this in the public book. these days i want to hide behind as few layers as possible, that is my artistic journey now. buckaroos were very respectful and supportive.

very quick before we finish, there was one other small and important reason. i am so sincere ALL the dang time it is kind of my natural state to get very emotional and thankful, that i kinda thought 'i am going to give myself space here to NOT stress out over this for once'. i am constantly thinking about acknowledging others and i LOVE this part of my trot, but doing it in a way that is so defined and specific and maybe even performative (gotta write your acknowledgments now bud. HAVE to do it) felt at odds with my inner way.

In last days I asked some amazing creatures to make moodboards/wallpapers for me as naturesoul, I want to share with you and show you all these amazing pieces. :)

In alternative text to every picture you can find author. ;)

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Thank you sooo much to:

@brightlynightly

@fuzzytadpole

@k9catastrophe

@kitthefoxkin

@kthecritter

@narratinghelper

@ogerponkins

@spacedreamon

@yourlocal-therian

love as acceptance. — romeo & lacey.

acknowledgments, Danez Smith

I can count on one hand the long-term creative writing projects I’ve finished in my life: One handwritten, unpublished Final Fantasy VII fanfic I wrote when I was 13-14 years-old and, as of today, my Horizon Forbidden West fanfic To Know Peace.

It may seem silly to some, since it's just a fanfic. But to me, it means that I finally managed to get back into creative writing following years of being too overworked and burnt out from my previous jobs and actually finish a project. As someone who went undiagnosed with ADHD until last year and whom at one point became disenchanted with writing, it's a huge milestone for me.

First and foremost, my brother has been my unfaltering support, both before and after I reembarked in my creative writing journey. I couldn't have finished this fic without your beta'ing and our discussions on how to approach the narrative (Chapters 3 and 6 came to be because of you). Gracias por nunca dejar de creer en mí.❤️

I can't thank @fogsblue enough for sharing the link to invite me to the Kotaloy Elysium Discord server. To say that the discussions and art from fellow Kotaloy shippers/Horizon fans have spurred my creativity is an understatement, and fogs made that happen. Thank you for this, and for always being one of the first people to read and comment on every new chapter and fic I posted.💖

Thank you to @jadefyre, for being a sounding board for ideas and to troubleshoot snags, and for serving as a fellow writer to commiserate with, especially during the more difficult chapters. Our DM chats have been been a highlight during my time in the server, and I’m glad I get to call you my friend.

And special thanks to everyone in the Kotaloy Elysium Discord server who became invested in my little famfic by hyping me up in the different channels, leaving kudos and comments, and just being an awesome group to interact with. There are too many to list, but each and every one of you boosted my confidence with every reaction, every flail and every message. 

I still got plenty of ideas to develop related to Horizon, so I’m not walking away from fanfiction. What I do hope for next is returning to my original fiction work, which had always been the intent after this little exercise.