#abuse?

Whatever was done to you, whatever happened, you didn't deserve it. It wasn't your fault. You deserve to be safe. It wasn't your fault. I'll keep fucking saying it 'till you believe me. You DIDN'T DESERVE IT. You didn't deserve it. Whatever pain you were put through, that shit's not on you. It wasn't your fault. I'm sorry you had to go through it, no one should have done that to you. It's not your fault.

Second and final post I’m going to make on the situation regarding sixk-mutt or scarecrow collective or whatever else.

I think that this is good that it is coming forward. Since I knew them, Scarecrow collective has always been manipulative, a liar, and obsessive, they would blame all these traits on BPD, or some other obscure disorder they had. They had always been into the weird stuff they’d been into, and would always post about it in public servers, always making everyone uncomfortable . They’d use a “matching up system”, and were source daters, and tried to make it out like it wasn’t odd. They constantly tried to isolate us when we had little arguements with friends, and in the end ended up with only them, to which I then had to take initiative and apologise to everyone for being manipulated, because I was very obviously in a psychological abuse. Not to mention the explicit sexual things they would say to me with intention, knowing my age, and knowing how young I was. I knew from the getgo their sexual ideals were wrong, strange and oddly dangerous and disgusting (They used to say they wanted to be “forcefully fucked”, and “held down”.) We only dated them for about a month, and broke it off, and something always wonders what would happen if I stayed. Everything I said in that arguement after we left was true, and nobody held their hand on their heart and every told me so.

I have given in all my proof surrounding and regarding the situation, no matter them being older. I have shared my experience here, and with the people involved in this.

Sick to my stomach knowing that this has come out, and it is far deeper I have imagined, amongst it being sick and twisted.

At the time off all this, I would’ve been 13-14, being manipulated by someone across the world. I’m now almost 16. I would never ever dream of doing the stuff they did to me to anyone else.

For years I’ve been wondering if this was abuse, but I can’t tell, could you guys please share your opinion (if you’re comfortable)

So, my cousin is four years older than me. When we were younger she was badly abused by both of her parents (divorced) and used by her stepdad (I’m not using the actual word so I don’t trigger anyone, but I think you get what I’m implying)

She moved to about thirty minutes away from me when I was seven, my parents were generally pretty kind and caring to me, she was jealous. She used to hit me, and pinch me then twist her fingers. I never said anything because I didn’t want her to get hurt. For a year she pretended I didn’t exist, and convinced my brother to do the same. She used to scare me by creating horror stories with characters that were similar to my brother and I, he always survived in the story, I usually died. She caused my fear of bug and my horrible arachnophobia, bad enough to the point that if someone mentioned spiders I could feel the crawling on me then hyperventilate and cry. She occasionally put bugs on me after she formed my phobia, I used to love bugs, I’m terrified now even though it’s silly.

Whenever I shared bullying that happened to me she would compare it to her life to make anything that happened to me seem fine. She would tell me all of her trauma and problems. When I was eight she gave me graphic details on what her stepdad did. She also told me that I was annoying attention whore. Since she always called me annoying and said I talked too much, I barely talk anymore. She blamed everything on me because I would get in less trouble than her. She made me feel fat and ugly when I was younger, which has caused me to eat only one or two meals a day now, years after that situation. She made me feel like I was an overdramatic crybaby, I still think I am.

When I told her I was trans she started emphasizing the feminine parts of me and girly clothes I wore. Currently our relationship is healing(?). But she still makes me feel like I’m gonna fail in life and tells me I’m an idiot. Anything in my life that’s bad is just me being overdramatic and manipulating. She won’t let me bring up her past, because she’s “changed” but she constantly brings up my past to make me feel bad, which made me hate myself when I was younger. She was the cause of my mental health issues. She used to fail all of her classes, but the second I have less than a B she’ll laugh at me and make me feel like shit (I’m a perfectionist so it’s very damaging). I don’t know who I am anymore because I kept changing myself for her.

There’s a lot more, but I don’t feel like talking about it right now.

Is this abuse? Or am I overreacting? I’ve been told I’m overreacting and I’m just trying to manipulate everyone for years. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I feel like shit just writing this because I’m being and attention seeker and trying to make you feel bad for me.

Yes, it’s really interesting. It can have much to do with her upbringing-being raised by an active narcissist and then coming into the world all of a sudden woefully unprepared and falling back on the toxic tendencies she’s picked up from Gothel/from trying to survive the abuse Gothel threw at her. I personally HC that Rapunzel has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), which on its own doesn’t necessarily make a person “evil” or “mean just for the sake of it”, but it does explain a lot of her interactions and tendencies, along with her mindset. I don’t think there are many moments in the series when Rapunzel is “downright mean”...her problematic tendencies or behaviors do come off as self-centered and harmful many times, but she doesn’t necessarily take pride in tearing other people down or derive any pleasure from being accidentally “mean” to them. 

The ‘on-purpose’ part of this question is tricky...because there is knowing you have a tendency but not acknowledging it as problematic, so you continue “using” it because you’re comfortable with it, and there is knowing you have a tendency and realizing it could be problematic but not wanting to believe it is or not trying to change it because you still feel most comfortable using it. And of course, separately, there’s also not knowing you have a tendency and that everything you’re doing is perfectly alright. Which is also very problematic.

I do think Rapunzel doesn’t understand the extent to which her tendencies can harm others, and the effect she has on other people’s lives whether she knows it or not, and whether she tries or not. She doesn’t usually, actively abuse her power-she often just doesn’t recognize she has that power or denies that she does when the time comes to own up. But we also see that she has a bad habit of not owning up to her faults or flaws, and by default happening to spin the blame on other people to make herself feel less guilty. Which is also a trait of someone with NPD.

I can go over when she does this in Rapunzel Day One. Again, I don’t think she’s trying to be “downright mean”, but she does come off problematic in her attempt to make herself feel better because it is easier for her to soothe or justify herself than try to understand how someone else is feeling or apologize for a mistake she made.

“I get why Cass is mad at me. She told me not to use the decay spell back at the tree and I did.” She rolls her eyes.

“And she hurt her hand.” Focuses back on the picture.

“However, if she had just listened to me and stayed out of it, this all could have been avoided. And I feel like we could work this out but she just refuses to talk to me.”

This is, arguably, some of the worst shown of Rapunzel’s toxic thinking. Again, not being mean or hating on Rapunzel, but nearly all of her NPD traits are blaring brightly right here and they are all problematic. 

-An inability to accept fault/wrong: Rapunzel burnt Cass’ hand. Whether it be by accident or not, Rapunzel badly hurt and disabled her friend. And she does not look guilty, nor does she try apologizing. Accident or not, this is Rapunzel’s fault, and she refuses to acknowledge it.

-Misunderstanding the root of the problem because acknowledging the root of the problem would make the individual feel guilty-Again, this is all Rapunzel. She misunderstands that Cass is mad at her for using the decay incantation, and adds in “and she hurt her hand” in the end, as if it’s a small side effect. She thinks that this problem comes down to Cass’ ego. No, Cass is primarily angry at her for costing her so much in that decision-it’s not just that Rapunzel did something Cass disagreed with, it’s that Cass got hurt in the duration of that decision when she tried helping Rapunzel with it nevertheless.

-Offense when blame is implicated or redirected towards them-indicative of control issues and an inability to handle when someone else’s choice is in disagreement with that they think is best. All Rapunzel here. She is angry at Cass for not talking to her, something that Cass has every right to do. Rapunzel believes she knows best-that talking is always the way out. But because she so fundamentally misunderstands why Cass is angry, she refuses to actually try to understand why Cass doesn’t want to talk to her. She misreads Cass trying to distance herself or have time to recover as a personal offense-Cass refusing to do what Rapunzel wants is a direct hit at Rapunzel’s ego, and the more Cass continues it, the more Rapunzel feels she is “forced” to think that this was her fault and she had a part to play in it-which she does not want to do. Which leads her to the next part.

-Victim-blaming. “I told her to stay out of it.” “if she had just stayed out of it like I told her to, this all could have been avoided.” This is VICTIM-BLAMING. Rapunzel victim-blames her best friend for a disability that she herself gave her. The extent to which Rapunzel’s statement is reasonable or not is besides the point-the point here stands that Rapunzel would much rather blame Cass for being traumatized and irreparably hurt than simply admit her own fault. This is extremely problematic. Keep in mind that Cass only stayed behind and tried to help Rapunzel when Rapunzel herself told her that she couldn’t control the incantation. This could have been read as a sign of help in Cass’ eyes, and, given that it was literally Cass’ job to help/protect Rapunzel, Cass was arguably doing the most reasonable thing. It happened to be irresponsible, but she couldn’t have known that would happen. Both she and Rapunzel didn’t know the full extent of what this incantation was capable of. So Rapunzel is not only blaming Cass for getting hurt...she’s blaming Cass for trying to help her in her time of need. Cass is getting implicitly punished for being a good friend and doing her basic job because Rapunzel doesn't like the “side effect” and how it makes her feel.

Not once in this does Rapunzel try to look at this from Cass’ shoes. Not once does Rapunzel look upset and think about what more she herself could have done to prevent it-which is her job.Rapunzel is the leader. It’s her job to look back at things, recognize her faults, and see what she could have done differently.

Instead, she’s angry that Cass dares to have or show pain that makes herself feel guilty.

-Villainizing someone who makes them feel guilty-What does Rapunzel draw as she’s ranting?

For context, her friend is trying to train her disabled hand right in front of her. But Rapunzel is so offended that Cass even has that disability, so engrossed in how that makes Rapunzel herself feel, that she draws her friend like this. Again, Rapunzel can’t accept fault, so she pins it on someone else involved and lets them be “villainized” in her eyes when Cass didn’t even do anything villainous.

Cass hasn’t even properly talked to her yet. And Raps is going through all of this just to make herself feel better for that.

For the first half of the episodes, Rapunzel tries to force Cassandra to talk to her. She volunteers herself to go with Cassandra when Cassandra never even offered. She wants them to be alone and rambles on trying to get Cass to “tell her what’s on her mind”. 

But she doesn’t want Cass to tell her because she genuinely cares about how Cass is feeling. She wants Cass to talk to her so that she can justify herself and stop feeling guilty.

Now, the next time Cass shows her disability affecting her, a moment of pain and weakness, Rapunzel does show a little guilt. She offers to help, worried that her friend will fall into the piranha river. But Cass denies that help, claiming  she’s fine and that she’ll get to it, which leads to Rapunzel looking like this:

It could be that Rapunzel is actually guilty for the hand-she sees how it hurts her friend. But it could also be that Rapunzel is upset because the reminder of the hand makes her feel upset and guilty still-and her friend denying the help she offers, while it could be seen as a way of trying to be independent and “work through her disability”, could also be seen (in Rapunzel’s eyes) as a reminder that her friend didn’t want much to do with her, regardless of what she was offering, and was only putting up with her because she had to. Which is actually the truth. On a smaller note, Cass refusing Rapunzel’s help can also look like a hit at Rapunzel’s ego in Rapunzel’s eyes, even if all Cass is really trying to do is reasonably distance herself from a toxic friend.

I do believe Rapunzel’s NPD-related traits are easing up a bit here...she would have been offended if this was all about her ego still, but she does actually look a bit upset, implying she’s capable of feeling some ounce of guilt for a person beyond herself...but then that goes downhill

This may be read as a subconscious manipulation tactic. Rapunzel may not know she’s using it, but the implications are right there. “-about what we both know is going on between us.” 

Using intense emotional connection to control, police, or scrutinize another person’s behavior, or to assume an equal stance when it comes to “knowing how they feel” and implying a “shared knowledge/understanding” to elicit/stir conversation. Saying “what we both know is going on between us”...when Rapunzel clearly does not know if Cass “knows’ the same things she knows, and nor does she try to let Cass space to explain her thoughts”, once again shows Rapunzel’s NPD at work, though to a relatively lesser extent. Rapunzel is also implicitly dictating something-that Cass “knows” what’s going on and this couldn’t be because Cass just wants space.

Cassandra goes “Raps, there’s nothing to talk about. I never said I was upset.”

And Rapunzel goes “You didn’t have to.”

Cassandra says “oh yeah? What makes you so sure you know how I’m feeling?”

To which Rapunzel replies “friends have a way of knowing.” Which actually isn’t what she believes, because Rapunzel has shown how much she misinterprets and misunderstands her friends time and time again, and can be ignorant of their feelings. Rapunzel again uses this general label that implies emotional attachment-”friends”-and uses that to disguise the fact that she is assuming things about Cass on her own, without Cass informing her or getting to explain herself. Rapunzel, so far, is the one making all of the judgments, all of the assumptions, and all of the theories about why and how Cass is acting-Cass doesn’t get to have a say in how she feels, not without Rapunzel rebuking it and acting like she knows better of how Cass feels because of an assumption she personally wants to have or believe.

Cass clearly says she doesn’t want to talk about this right now. And Rapunzel pushes boundaries once again, diminutizing Cass’ wishes.

“Raps, I said it’s fine.”

“And you keep saying that but-” She might as well have said “but I don’t have to believe that’ or “but I know best”, because she continues pushing yet again. She’s pushing, because she personally doesn’t want to feel guilty. She’s pushing and doesn’t care about what Cass actually wants or how she actually feels. She comes off looking like she wants to understand, but then backtracks completely. This is confirmed in her very next sentence.

She instantly jumps on this topic. No acknowledgement of Cass’ disability, no acknowledgement of Cass’ trauma. Rapunzel instantly gets at the specific part of Cass’ troubles that concern her most...how Cass views her. She can’t handle the fact that Cass is angry at her for any reason because that makes her feel guilty. Her first concern isn’t “it’s okay that you’re hurt” or “it’s okay that we’re taking time apart.” It’s literally “it’s okay that you’re mad at me!” Once again implying that in Rapunzel’s eyes, it’s actually not okay. This whole conversation, and why they’re both there, is only happening because Rapunzel is incapable of being okay with someone being mad at her.

Again, this isn’t to hate on Rapunzel, but it’s a glaring observation. It’s typical for narcissists to say they’re not feeling exactly what they are feeling, and it is possible for people, with and without NPD, to have these toxic tendencies and interactions without knowing it.

And then, of course, Rapunzel spins this around and makes Cass feel worse by saying “the terrible awful”-”I’m mad at you too. I told you I had it under control and you didn’t listen so....If you’re upset, then just tell me.” Rapunzel is implying, once again, that Cass is at fault for this disability, this injury, this traumatic experience-victim-blaming her and going even further to say “I'm mad at you because you didn’t listen to me”...which is an awful thing to say because Cass did technically listen to her when she told her she couldn’t control the incantation and was only trying to help her, and there’s more at stake right now than Rapunzel’s perception of her own leadership and relationship(s)-the perceptions which she puts above being directly empathetic to her best friend or trying to see where she herself went wrong.

Then Rapunzel says something that’s actually been bothered her- “please Cass, I just want things to get better between us.” And this makes Cass angry for good reason. Because every time they come close enough to talking, Rapunzel is more interested in justifying herself and blaming Cass instead of trying to understand why and how Cass is actually upset, and then furthermore Rapunzel herself admits what this is really about-what she wants. Implying things like “I want things to get better between us-I don’t care if you have trauma”. “I want things to get better between us-I don’t like how you being hurt makes me feel bad about myself” This is bordering on something that many abusers even tell their victims. I’m not exactly saying Rapunzel is an active abuser here, but Rapunzel is being selfish without knowing it-she’s being narcissistic and toxic when she should be trying to be empathetic or at least compassionate.