#absurb

The radio crackles on, and a man’s voice just barely warped by static rings out loud and clear:

“Ladies and gentlemen, you’re listening to 1320AM Ground Shakes and our pop-up news!” the voice sings, rising and falling with vigor. “We’ll send you right back to your music, but first, we wanted to update you on the state of things!”

A drumroll clatters behind the voice as it rises back up into another sentence. “Llllllet me tell you, folks; things are pretty bad right now. A carousel swung by the Orioles crashed a building into the Grand Slamyon, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

“You don’t say!” This is a woman’s voice, canned and rehashed, adding a counterpoint to the man’s frenetic speech.

“I do say! Two birds in the hand, as they say.” He lowers his voice, as if he were leaning closer to the microphone. “I don’t, but they do. You know who I mean.” He immediately returns to his peppy conversational tone. “But before then, a rolling derby won second place! That’s two places above failure, and you know what I say about failure: Nobody fails if nobody tries.”

The radio crackles and the voice is lost for a moment, then it comes back. Now he sounds like a different person. It’s still the same voice, but the pep sounds faked, strained almost.

“I just wanted to let y’all know that we’re doing fine out there. You’re doing fine. Wherever you are and whatever you’ve heard, it’s all a lie. No pines, no cars, no bats, no trees. You know what that means, and if you don’t, I’m not talking to you.” A canned laugh track rips across the airwaves. “Don’t drive without your shellmet, and never feed a whale two horses for supper. This has been 1320 Ground Shakes and our pop-up news; you know what’s happening whether or not you understand!”

image taken from super mario plumbing