#abouttohaveanexistentialbreakdown

#abouttohaveanexistentialbreakdown ... revisited i guess shot this 10.12.16 touched it up today whatever #thephonearchive

pt. iii /// hadn't shot a new #abouttohaveanexistentialbreakdown photo in a while ... this is straight out of the camera a minute ago on my coffee table available light from my TV. iso 100 at 0.5" free lens #myphotographslie #flowers #freelensing

10.16.15 a rose on a mirror in my kitchen #abouttohaveanexistentialbreakdown #wecanbedeadflowers #thoughtlesspost #ifitwaseasyeveryonewoulddoit (at The Heights, Jersey City) https://www.instagram.com/p/BviMZp_FKaX/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=jpjdntmlin6p

5.20.16 #abouttohaveanexistentialbreakdown a couple of flowers a strong breeze a slow shutter. i think a thing i still and maybe will always struggle with is when people think things about wether or not i’ve lived up to my potential(s) or not. that line of thinking always seems to come from, to me at least, such a negative and purely projected place. are people truly altruistic in thier thinking and righteous when they want you to be a more “successful” version of you or are they maybe envious or jealous and more in the “if i had you abilities i’d be doing so much more”. regardless or otherwise i have a bunch of things i have done for the 1st time and will be doing for myself in the future. i am going to read publicly a short piece of fiction i wrote soon, this is a first. i am going to start compiling a zine/book about mocktail’s and maybe some how to’s for going out or staying in and even entertaining. i want to perform, wether it’s s drag routine or with in a band perhaps i NEED to do it again. i wabt to start planning a trip back to JAPAN in october (probably the 2nd or 3rd week) do you have any interest in coming with me? i miss my dudes yagi and narukiyo ! these flowers died a noble death almost 3 years ago memorialized in this photo. did they live up to their potential? how would you or do you choose to measure that? is it just against yourself and what you would do? #nothingeverstayedstill #wecanbedeadflowers #ifitwaseasyeveryonewoulddoit #thetruthaboutlivinguptootherpeopleexpectations (at City Hall) https://www.instagram.com/p/BvUl26Pn9O3/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=14s25gbsz9kv0

5.10.16 some spray roses in the studio in what i think would be available window light. here’s an out of context hopeful quote to think on “when there is joy; we feel that our existence is justified.” - sartre. this is one of those days that just never felt natural or good. wether it was being the kid at school with the least or let’s be honest no valentines cards. i’d spend years as an “adult” doing anything to avoid the day because i’m stuck in a past full of unaddressed pain and cruelty. i look at my behaviors and coping mechanisms things i’ve done to limit my anxiety and panic. places people & things i’ve avoided. most recently avoiding my own photographs. certainly the idea of valentine’s is charming. an excuse to maybe show some affection and love to other people who might not get it regularly is seemingly altruistic and lawfully good but maybe the pressure it puts on people who don’t really have much in the way of tolerance for the day? so maybe today you think about what brings you joy. maybe you do things that will fill a portion of your daily needed contentment. if you feel low hopefully you have somethings to self sooth yourself with. maybe you are going to distract yourself and ignore the memories. maybe you will turn your phone off and stay away from a computer and not allow yourself to see the others who can and do find joy in this day. this time next year i hope to have put in enough work to not have to or want to write something like this. #abouttohaveanexistentialbreakdown #sprayroses #dyingonthestem #ifitwaseasyeveryonewoulddoit #dinnerfortwo (at The Heights, Jersey City) https://www.instagram.com/myphotographslie/p/Bt3sXLgn1ro/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=13z5whimukp57

3.3.16 a long dead flower for a morning when there was a sudden onset of some existential dread. a thing sees one of those old fashioned comic strips type things you might call a meme these days but it’s a therapist talking to a cat and it says “you’ve been killed by your own curiosity three times already. what do you think that means?” what a great question to pose to a cat! what a great question to look inside myself and try to search for things that i can that too with in. i’m sure there are going to be a lot of days where something brings up the dread and the traps that get me in my own damn head. THINKING. which leads me to basic existential questions on the internet. Who am I? What is my real nature or identity? What is the meaning of life? What is the meaning of existence? What is my greater purpose? What is death? What happens when I die? those are just the tip of the iceberg questions. i generally try not think think about. right now, i’m just in a “I AM” sort of place. i’ve never found a deeper purpose. i’ve never needed answers to some of those questions but still i’d like to think i could answer them if i was pressed to. regardless, what do you think that means? my coworker said “it means he’s got 6 lives left!” i might say in this moment “it means that curiosity is perhaps a danger to ones safety and health but is necessary to learn how to find a balance and explore without damaging yourself” still my other coworker says “it means you take things to seriously jesse” so yeah happy wednesday to you all too. #abouttohaveanexistentialbreakdown #nothingeverstayedstill #slowshutter #aflowerdyingonitsstem #daisies (at The Heights, Jersey City) https://www.instagram.com/myphotographslie/p/BtQ_D5Qlg-r/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=zy2ac265m4s2

3.12.17 a dead rose, one that which had died on its stem. withered and faded it still resides in the house. somewhere among other long dead flowers. it exists on a shelf collecting dust as it ages further and further past its life. it exists still, but it is not living, it exists but for what reasons beyond that which it can never control. as always i find a lot of comfort being surrounded by an array of dead things. not in some morbid trip but they definitely remind me to LIVE and EXIST in this life because i too will some day wither and fade and perhaps be left as a monument on some shelf just to collect dust and comfort someone. #abouttohaveanexistentialbreakdown #nothingeverstayedstill #wecanbedeadflowers #aroseofloveadaggerofhate #deadflowers #roses (at The Heights, Jersey City) https://www.instagram.com/myphotographslie/p/Bs_z20dlB7E/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1psnd2x83ojii

3.12.16 #abouttohaveanexistentialbreakdown @michaelpaulambrose posted last night something about my flowers/dead flowers stuff so it’s an easy choice for today’s from the archive photo. i feel like i don’t remember much about shooting this particular bunch of flowers. all i know is i was shooting these a lot and then reading some heavy shit and trying to shoe horn a quote from an existentialist writer that maybe gave the photo a certain “feeling”. so here’s a good one for today. take from it what you will, for me, right now, it’s a positive shining thing that gives me hope BUT i could see it being a depressive sad thing if you chose to or do see it that way. “There is something infantile in the presumption that somebody else has a responsibility to give your life meaning and point? The truly adult view, by contrast, is that our life is as meaningful, as full and as wonderful as we choose to make it.” - r. dawkins i don’t think starting my day job morning reading through some deep philosophical stuff did me any favors it might have actually just stirred up my mind and made me not see things from a more simple easy perspective. regardless thank you mike for the kind words and siting these dumb kitchen counter no frills photos as any sort of inspiration. i miss you dude and hope all is well out there. #wecanbedeadflowers #nothingeverstayedstill #existentialism #flowersasanallegory #sexualizedflora https://www.instagram.com/myphotographslie/p/BpPYUQpFo5r/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1an9swimajp92