𝐇𝐂 𝟎𝟎𝟏 : 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐧
So much of Malcolm’s inner turmoil is that no matter how much he knows his father is a terrible person and a serial killer he will always know that Martin WAS a great dad to him up until the point he started doing things out of self preservation to not get caught. (So aside from the murder and drugging and gas lighting lol) He was an amazing father. Very involved. Very supportive. Encouraging Malcolm to follow his passions and always made time for him even with a very busy position at a major hospital. There is no denying that Martin was a good father for the majority of Malcolm’s childhood and especially as a kid that was IMPOSSIBLE to separate from how he felt about Martin then getting arrested for serial murder. This was why he shut down the way he did because his mind could not process that this man that the kids at school were calling a monster and harassing him for being related to him was the loving man who had been raising him so well. This was why Jessica sent him back to visit Martin, hoping he’d be able to come to see him as just a monster. Yet he has these two views of his father that are different and yet somehow still all the same man and it is so incredibly difficult to make sense of.
Even now. Malcolm cannot actually get himself to fully hate his father as his father. He can hate what he’s done and that he killed people and hate what he did to their family and hate so many parts of the man but he’s not able to separate that this is still his father. He doesn’t call him ‘Dad’ he doesn’t even call him his father to his face or to most people. He’s distanced himself as much as he can. Calling him The Surgeon or Dr. Whitly. He changed his own last name to add further distance from the fact that he is the Surgeon’s son but that doesn’t get rid of the love he still has for his father in some capacity. These feelings aren’t something he’s able to admit to aloud because he’s scared of how people might react. They make Malcolm sick to his stomach and he can’t imagine any average person would ever be able to understand what that’s like or fear they’d look at him like he’s excusing anything his father ever did. Which he’s not. He would literally never excuse The Surgeon’s actions but people who don’t have a damn serial killer for a father can’t possibly understand what that’s like.
Even though he was able to cut Martin out of his life for ten years when he joined the bureau he still ultimately came back to the man and he knows how unhealthy that type of co-dependency is because Martin needs him there just as much if not more and Malcolm knows he’s just giving in to what his father wants by going back to him. But he goes back for answers despite being afraid of looking too deeply into himself. Afraid of what he might find and yet he can’t help but dig because he. needs. to. know. He goes back also because subconsciously he is still that kid who wants a relationship with his father. Which is exactly what Martin desires the most because then the possibilities are endless.
